My coworker's son...

[Valerie]

When I first met my coworker's son roughly three years ago, he was seven years old.  I adored him right away because he was so affectionate.  I also noticed that he had a somewhat girlish way of exuberance.  I later learned that he liked Bratz dolls and was wild about High School Musical.  I remember thinking that one day he'll Ppneed his older sister to be his best friend... not sure if she will or not.

He's ten now and the other day I asked her how he is doing.  She said that he's doing well but he's upset that he doesn't have any guy friends. She added that he has many female friends and a male cousin that he likes to play with.

I'm not going to try to label him, especially so young, but it's clear to me that he's having challenges and I don't see them getting better soon.  I wish that I could be closer to him and his family so that I could be there as some sort of support.  His mom is a social worker, and I think she would accept him if it happened that he were gay, but I'm concerned she wouldn't accept him if he were trans.  I don't think his dad would accept either one.

Our schedules and lives don't allow my colleague and I to be more familiar with each other or spend time outside of work, so it's hard to gauge her thoughts on this...and there's no opportunity to work it into a conversation and have a "teaching moment."

All I know is, I pray for that kid...


~Valerie

[ilanthefirst]

I'm not sure I understand why you think he's having trouble.  He has friends, so what does it matter if they're boys or girls?  Even if it's bothering him, unless there's any indication that it's been a serious concern of his for a long time, I don't think there's any reason to worry, and I think based on your limited interaction with him, assuming he's trans or that there's any significant chance of it without hearing the kid say anything to that effect would be making a big assumption.  If you're out as trans to his mom, you might want to let her know that you're willing to be a resource for them both if they want a contact in the LGBT community, but I think anything more would risk overstepping your bounds.

[spacial]

I understand what you mean Valerie.

In these sort of situations, all you can do is wait for developments.

I know, so well, the feeling of wanting to just give the kid a big hug and tell them it's OK. Especially when the parents or another adult are being a bit hard on them.

But reasonably, we just need to back off and hope things work out.

I recall, a numbr of years ago, a young boy was so much like that. He was smart, preceptive, considerate and so gentle. But in his case, his parnts were divorced. Frankly, they were using the kids to get at each other. The father, especially, seemed to want to dis thir mother at every opportunity and sometimes said that his son was 'like that' because his mother was so inadequate.

I just had to walk away I'm afraid. There was nothing I could do. By staying I was hurting myself and not helping there at all.

Best of luck

[Valerie]

Well, Ilan, it's not so much that I think the kid is having so much trouble now, but that I sense that if things continue as they are, he will have a hard road ahead of him, particulalry if his parents are unsupportive.  I wouldn't expect a kid of 10 to mention anything indicating dysphoria or homosexuality/what have you-- he's still at an innocent stage at this point....I'm not making assumptions about what he may or may not be, but face it, trans or not, gay or not, boys who play with 'girl' dolls and act girlish in most cases have a hard go of it socially.  I can't be 'out' to his mom--I'm not trans...

I remember years ago when I used to interact with all the neighborhood kids, and babysat many of them....even when I was 18 or so, I could just tell which ones were going to have some really hard growing pains...and they're all grown up now...and I was right, in every case .... It breaks my heart to be able to intuit that, to know the flavor of the future (the flavor, not the details), but not be able to help or influence it.  I guess with my coworker's son, I am just acknowledging the possiblilty of certain future challenges for him, and acknowledging that I'm helpless....and just praying out loud, I s'pose. 

[Valerie]

Sorry to re-hash an old thread, but I have a legit update.

Said coworker and I still work for the same company and due to our schedules & office set-up, over the course of the past few years have rarely interacted. A couple times she's brought her kids to the office while she dropped off paperwork or something, and her son would always seem happy to see me, give me a hug and the like.  But very brief interactions.  Sweet kid. Oh, and the parents got divorced a couple/few years ago, which was probably a good thing.  So my coworker's been a single parent.

A few months ago, though,  my coworker and I both had dinner with a mutual friend. During dinner, she mentioned that her son is gay, but was being very difficult & causing problems at home--refusing to bathe, acting mean, etc....I think he's about 14 now, or close to it.   

We didn't talk about him again until this past Friday.   I passed her in the breakroom & told her if she's interested for her son that our Pride Festival was the next day. She said, "Oh, he's at (name of local group home for troubled kids) now, for a month...."  She told me he's seeing a counselor, things are getting better, how horribly he's been behaving, refusing to bathe, how his older sister can't wait to leave the house to get away from him, and how when he shoved my coworker, it was the last straw.

But in the middle of all this, she said, "he's having gender-identity problems".....and I just got this pit in my gut.  I must have had some expression on my face because she said, "You didn't wanna' hear all this; I'm sorry."    And I'm like, "No, it's OK, it's just.... (I was searching for words because I couldn't tell her what was really first on my mind)...it's just that I know people from online and in my life who've had this sort of problem, and...the pain they go through..."   Here I put my hand on my heart. 

Coworker's like, "I know he's in pain, but he can't treat us like this! We're in pain, too! He didn't pick this, but neither did we!"   At one point I was able to ask if the counselor was a gender-identity counselor, and she said "No, this isn't a gay thing, it's a behavior thing; he needs to learn manners and to not treat us horribly."   

But again before she parted, she said "we're getting better" & I'm not certain in what context she means since he's not home yet.  Inside I kinda' freaked because I suspected this place he's at for a month isn't the most suppprtive or nurturing, period, let alone for someone like her son.  I saw my counselor Saturday & she confirmed that it's pretty bad & he'll be surrounded by kids who already have a criminal record.  She said the place.is free, which could be why my coworker chose to send her kid there. 

I feel conflicted because I want an opportunity to be there for this kid, to be some kind of ray of hope and support...but I have no access to him except through his mom...and, social worker or not, I suspect she may not fully grasp LGBT issues....so I want to help with that, too, gently, if she'll let me...

I just have to be careful to not be pushy about it.  I hope I didn't upset her while we talked by empathizing more with her son than with her.  My childhood memories remain very close to the surface and because of this, I naturally am able to see a kid's point of view more easily than some adults.  If it turns out that he does identify as trans* I can only hope to have some influence in pointing his mom to good resources,  at the very least.  I picked up a couple things at Pride that might help, if and when she's ready....I might just write her a short note of support for her family & offer to be there for whatever/whenever....

~V.

[Pikachu]

My heart aches for him (or her). I hope things turn out okay in the end. But you're right, the mother doesn't seem to have much understanding of trans issues.

*hugs*

Just do whatever little you can... I wish I knew of a way you could help more. I know it must be very painful to just have to sit back and watch it all unfold.

[androgynouspainter26]

This just makes me so sad :/ So much like what hapened to me when I was younger.  I really hope the poor thing is alright.  And no.  It's not a behavior thing, it's a repressed gender thing.  I hope one day the mother can see that.

[Valerie]

I know, and such a sweet thing, too. 

I found the kid's FB page and noticed he lists 'male' on his profile, but uses a feminized version of his given name.  I think I'll start using "they/their/them" pronouns until I learn for certain how the kid identifies. 

My coworker is a pretty neat lady, and I hope I can help her and her kids once she calms down a bit from her horror at his behaviour.  This morning I reached out to a woman in the local trans* community who gave me a couple ideas, too. 

xoxo,
~Valerie

[Jill F]

Testosterone poisoning, anyone?  I sincerely hope this kid gets the help they need.  That was the age where I was highly confused and getting pummeled on a daily basis.  Kids that age can be merciless.

[Valerie]

So, from a trans-person's perspective, if it's not due to generalized depression, is their refusing to bathe likely tied to dysphoria, ie, not being able to view/touch/care for a body they don't see as "theirs?"

[androgynouspainter26]

Ehhhh...I mean, it might have something to do with that, but I wasn't that in touch with my dysphoria until a bit later in the process.  I'd guess it really is just bad depression, but depression brought on by dysphoria.  At least, that's what it was for me-when you suppress something huge like this, it really messes you up.  I cut myself off from everything, and now and then emotion would roll over me in waves and I would just lose it...but usually, I didn't really allow myself to care about anything.  Again, what this kid is going through sounds just like where I was at that age.

[Pikachu]

I can relate to that. During my teenage years, I basically just stayed shut away in my room getting lost in games and such. I didn't care about my weight or personal hygiene much at all because even if I was clean and in shape, I still hated my appearance and how society viewed me with a passion, so why bother? Depression also makes it difficult to feel motivated to do anything at times. I suffered from pretty severe depression due to my dysphoria, and still do to an extent, although it's gotten much better since accepting myself as my correct gender.

[pianoforte]

If I were you I would definitely try to get in touch with this kid. The problem, of course, is doing so either in a way their mother will approve of or without her finding out.

I don't know what you can do in this situation other than maybe send them a letter letting them know they're not alone. You've found their Facebook page, which might be a way to make contact, but also the mother might read it.

Hugs to you and to the kid who is going through this rough time. And to your co-worker too, even. It's a difficult situation all around.

[Valerie]

I meant to update you all months ago.  Long story short, not long after I last wrote, I took some material from P-FLAG during our local Pride Fest (October, for us).  When I next saw my coworker, I checked in with her to see how things were, and there was an appropriate segue at which time I offered the P-FLAG materials to her, and she accepted.  I offered myself as a grown-up friend to hang out with her child & connect on weekends.  She let me give her my number, but I didn't hear from them & didn't want to be pushy. 

A few weeks ago we had dinner with a mutual coworker/friend, and she later took us to her new home where I also saw the kids.  The child in question seemed happy to see either me or our friend or both, and when I asked the kids for hugs before leaving, the one in question gave me the best hug--not surprising as even at 6 they were such a little cuddle bug.  Their mom drove me home & shared one of her concerns with me.  As non-threateningly as I could, I asked her if she feels comfortable taking them shopping for some 'girlish' clothes.  She said she's not ready for that & she doesn't think her child is either.  I said, "I wish I could help him," hoping she might remember my earlier offer. (I have to use the male pronoun when referring to the kid in front of her).  She said it'll be alright and that things will work out in time.  She's struggling, but she loves her kids and knows the child in question has their own unique struggle. 

This morning, she approached me at my desk to chat a moment (a rare occurrence--I'm stuffed in the corner and our job functions are different).  She spoke of a couple other concerns, and I acknowledged how hard it must be for her.  I asked her what her child does on weekends & said, "why don't you see if he wants to hang out over the weekend?  We can take the bus, go to the 2$ theater.  He doesn't have to talk to me about anything...he needs a grown-up buddy on the rainbow spectrum."   She nodded in agreement about the last part.  I told her it'd be good to hang out.  "Are you sure?"  And after assuring her yes and that I love her kids, she expressed her gratitude & asked for my number.  "I tried everything else; why not."   

I don't want to lose her trust or my friendship with her, peripheral as it's been over the years.  So I'm navigating carefully to avoid stepping where she's not ready to go...but I think I've done alright, so far.  The main thing is that this kid will know they have an adult friend, regardless of whether they choose to share their gender-identity struggles.  As they get to know me and eventually learn that I regularly go to therapy, and take anti-depressants, perhaps they might consider alllowing for those interventions themself.  And if they DO choose to share their gender-identity concerns with me, you can be sure I'll be writing again if and when their questions are way over my head--no doubt at some point they will be. 

Kinda' excited to spend one-on-one time with this kid--it'll be good for us both, I think.  :-)

--V.