Confused about my dysphoria?

[Cody Jensen]

Now I'm not so sure who I am anymore. I'm uncomfortable with my girl chest sometimes even though I look and feel female sometimes (rarely). But it seems to be the worst with my chest. I mean, it's not just that I simply "wish I didn't have it" anymore. I actually FEEL uncomfortable when I look at it. And it just feels like it doesn't belong there anymore. Anyways I thought I knew what I wanted but now I just feel confused. The last thing I want is to rush into this though, despite the way I feel about myself. Today I had so many visions of myself being a boy and having a girlfriend and a family of my own. The worst thing is I don't have anyone to REALLY talk to about it. And I wish I did have someone and knowing that they'd support me in it. I have one person that comes to mind that I have a strong feeling she'll support me, but the problem is I'm scared to tell her (a good friend). I don't have the courage to tell anyone now that I think about it. I'm hoping you guys can point me in the right direction? I'm at a loss and I really just do NOT know what to do with myself anymore.

[Turtle]

Hi Josh - what you're feeling is what most people on here have felt at one time or another (and probably still do). You're in a good place to talk about your feelings, as there's heaps of shared experience on Susan's. I don't know what your personal circumstances are, but can you start seeing some sort of counsellor to talk through your feeling towards transition? I'm based in the UK, so don't know how things work if you're in the US, but it may be possible to get free counselling through a local LGBT group? Just don't think the confusion and weird feelings are just you...they're very normal.

Mark

[Dante]

I'm in the same place right now; I'm sure that I want to be male, yet the particulars are eluding me. It's kinda putting me on edge.

Anyway, if you think you can talk to this person without ruining your relationship, then I would go for it. I'm sure it will make you feel much better to talk about it. If that doesn't work, try a councilor. (I'm a bit of a hypocrite that way; I always suggest seeing a councilor/therapist, but I'm too scared to go myself.  I guess it's because I wish I had the courage to do so, and I've heard it helps a lot.)

If you really don't know what to do, just hang in there! I'm sure it will pass. You'll have to be able to understand things again soon--and maybe even better than you did before.

[Sean]

Can you try to see a therapist? It can help you work through your confusion and feelings. It can also help you plan and think about how to come out to your friend.

You may or may not be ready to come out to your friend. As part of deciding if you are ready, you do need to be prepared for her to not be ok with it or take time to get used to it or not to be able to keep your secret for now. I'm not saying these things are likely. Just that these things are all possible, and if you aren't prepared for the possibility, then you should probably wait a little longer. Then again, if you feel that you are so close to 'bursting out' that you don't think you'll be able to keep it in much longer, then you probably should plan to come out to her, so you can 'control the environment' in which you tell her (e.g., do you tell her or write her a letter? where do you tell her/give it to her?).

Also, please don't think that friends are substitutes for therapists, counselors and trained professionals (or the other way around). Friends are friends, therapists are therapists. If what you want is the support and understanding of a friend, then you should work towards coming out to your friend. If what you want is a safe place to discussion your confusion and work out the aspects of your gender identity that are causing your difficulty, then you should try to see a counselor or therapist. Yes, therapists can give you support and understanding. Yet they are not your friends. And friends can give you a safe place to work out your feelings. Yet they are not therapists and counselors & you can't really expect your friend to be one, both because she has no experience to do so and because it's not really a fair/healthy friendship dynamic for that to become a key component of your friendship.

[Cody Jensen]

At the moment I'm finding it difficult to even come out to a therapist so that's not an option either. I was actually thinking of moving out as soon as I can (hopefully within a year) and then find someone to talk to (a therapist). And also because my cousin is trans (girl in a boy's body) I was thinking of waiting to see how my family would react to her transition. Chances are they'll have the same reaction towards me and by that I can make a few decisions. Unfortunately that's only my mom's side of the family. I can't say how my dad's side of the family will react or even my own family (dad and sister). While we were on the subject of my cousin, I thought now's a perfect time to get an idea of her opinion on trans people so I asked her if she would still love me if I turned out to be trans (I made another post about this earlier). She said she'd still love me but she'd be surprised. Then I explained (to make sure she didn't suspect anything) "because everyone seems to hate my cousin right now so that upsets me that they don't love people for ho they are". My sister then explained "well, they still love him, they're just surprised." I hope my family will support me in this. I hope I don't have to stop talking to them.

[BloodLeopard]

This is exactly how I felt before I got my top surgery. I basically risked everything on the line (and lost my job, my guardians, and a friend in doing so) to get the surgery.

If you want to verbally or even or email talk about stuff, I'm definably a mind or even willing to be a phone call. It's assuring just to hear a friendly voice whom agrees with what's in your heart.

Things are tough, and it's really unfortunate and harsh that it does have to be. I don't even really know you, but because we have this rare connection, I already feel a sort of bond and love, and this goes for everyone that's on this forum as well.

You aren't alone. There's many a persons who have gone through the same thing, and many a persons who paved way to be able to have a safer life for people who suffer from GID.

[AlexanderMorpheus]

I agree with Leopard-otaku(I'm an otaku, too, so nothing was meant by that one, man!). I'm going through that stuff. during the summer I had collected lots of guy clothing and even got a sports bra that made a make-shift binder, but my mom freaked and I get worried about upsetting her (she canm be depressed and suicidal, sorry, bad grammar/spelling) so I went back to being a 'girl' Ugh..! I'm going to be (HOPEFULLY) out on my own in a few weeks and can go full blown (I have been wearing what's comfortable, tshirts, baggy pants and whatnot, not a binder, not until I am living on my own). I love her, but sometimes she'd say/do things that'd hurt me or make me feel ->-bleeped-<-ty... Like buying me really girlie clothes or saying things like ' i love my pretty baby girl' and if I said anything about cutting my hair she'd say 'but it makes you look good' 'you're hair's so thick and gorgeous, why cut it?' when she knows why already. DX
LOL, but, in short, I get, going through it and can also relate/talk. Same with you, Leopard! Maybe we could talk anime/manga sometime!

[oniRyan]

--- snip ---

The worst thing is I don't have anyone to REALLY talk to about it. And I wish I did have someone and knowing that they'd support me in it. I have one person that comes to mind that I have a strong feeling she'll support me, but the problem is I'm scared to tell her (a good friend). I don't have the courage to tell anyone now that I think about it. I'm hoping you guys can point me in the right direction? I'm at a loss and I really just do NOT know what to do with myself anymore.

Your own reasons aside (I have my own) ... it's painful. Full stop.

So sorry to hear you're in a rough bind. My own answer took the shape of being "dress for comfort" effectively... being intersexed / FTM ... can pretty much just write any surgery off as elective anyway. I see my thearpist just the same  regardless of any stigma associated with "not picking a gender role"

----k then....

For me, the answer in embracing a genderfluid / part-time identity rather than a surgical medical-type path lied in my ancestory...

I am "sihg ghee" (aproximated cherokee... it's been transliterated into "two-spirit" countless times though the literal meaning in cherokee is "that way"

... that's my own cultural / personal experience... you mileage or results in life may vary... other than "a good therapist or maybe a clergy" ... can't really say much.


---snip ....

unitarian churches tend to be non-denominational as well as accepting of LGBT...

also, you might consider a hospital which offeres emergency psychiatric services, but ask to speak to the chaplin before you even register or show ID or anything... so long as you don't pose a danger to yourself or othrers you're in no risk of being admitted against your will.

catholic, well... I've never embraced catholicism or attempted confession to a catholic preist before, though really, som religions you might run into risk of judgement (not always... not all mormans are causing he grief for LGBT in utah, and not all baptists are running anti-LGBT sites)

...

traditional western / non-faith approach see if you can get a referral to a therapist through a crisis hotline if you don't currently have anyone to talk to...


1-866-4-U-TREVOR


more convenient than trying to guess what resources are available in your area, sorry about such a generic series of answers... as I said though, you're less likely to be denied treatment as FTM or  intersexed... and bottom surgery only requires consistently living male ( I do not wish bottom surgery, hence going genderfluid / remaining intersexed as-is )

[Cody Jensen]

Wow... it's great to know that I'm not alone in this after all! Thanks for all the support and useful links...