how to tell a guy that you are transgender

[amandax]

I would like to know if there are any good advices on how to tell a guy/girl who become serious on the relationship that you are a transgender? I know a nice guy who I met twice start to like me and getting serious on our relationship, I didn't expect that and  now I have to tell him the truth, so how I should tell him nicely. e.g just give him some hint instead of fully open up the trueth? It's very hard for me to say to him directly that I am a transgender. any good advices? thanks.

[LordKAT]

Personally, I would like to get a feel for how he feels about trans people before I even think of telling him. Second, tell him in  a public place but in a private setting. It would be safer that way.

Write out your thoughts and be sure to give him time to come to terms with it and let him know that you are open to questions if he seems to be able to deal with it. Be aware that your relationship will change and it may not be in a way you like.

[spacial]

Best of luck Amandax.

[Janet_Girl]

I have sorta dated a couple of guys.  One knew, but broke it off because of my religious views.    I am Wiccan and he was Baptist. 

The other two I told thru electronic means.  One was an email, the other thru YIM.  The email one, I never heard from again.    Too bad, he was really cute.   The YIM did not seem to mind, but he never showed up at our next day and never call back.

Protect yourself when you do tell him.  Public area with a private place to talk.  If you feel you are in danger, get some help.

It sounds like he is getting serious.  Have you been dating long?

[Cruelladeville]

I don't....

But I do tell them I can't have babies..... but at 52 that's not so odd anyways....

(right at the very start i used to be honest with folks).... but the repeated same ole crap difficulties meant that it was simply better for me all round to keep schtum.... and I was advised to do so as such.

Do i feel bad about this....?

Absolutely not.....

[Muffin]

If you mean post-op transsexual then read on: I feel that how you present it to him has a huge impact on how he could take it, if you make it sound serious and like it's a big deal then he's more likely to take it that way. But if you just tell him you were born with a medical condition that has since been taken care of (I assume it has) then you can just play it down as being no big deal. Which in my opinion it isn't. It's not something you identify as and it's no longer a part of your life so it requires nothing more than a quick mention then move on with your lives hopefully together. ^____^
If pre-op/non-op then:

[milktea]

yeah why do you feel compelled to tell him your medical history? i mean to be fair you can tell him you can't have kids, but why are you obligated to tell him about your srs any more than any genetic girl should disclose about her plastic surgery or the removal of her appendix?

[pretty pauline]

Everybody's situation is totally different, I posted about my own situation in this thread way back https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,41242.msg278947.html#msg278947  the situation changed when we got engaged, I was torn every way, I felt I had to tell him, I tolded him over dinner 1 night, he was in shock, but I felt a sense of relief, always remember Northern Jane posting, its better to tell than finding out from another scource, its just finding the right time, never tell on first few dates, he might walk, Mark got to know me sooo well, he just found it hard to believe I was ever a guy, he only knew me as a woman, he excepts me now, but has never tolded his family, thats ok, its not an issue, he never asks me now about it, unless I want to discuss it which I seldom do, at 53 babies are not an issue, he's a totally straight guy and now fully excepts me as a woman, his Wife, his gorgeous princess as he calls me lol
My advice, wait till you get to really know him, then maybe tell, you'll know the right time, if he really sees you as a woman, it may not be such a big deal, wait till the relationship is strong, there are a few ladies on this board and their fiancé know and except that they are transgender, we are just unique and very special girls.

Pauline

[Nicky]

mmm

I think there is no great way, just worse ways. Like if he has had a crappy day, then hold off. If you just had sex then don't tell them right after.

But yeah, just be honest, tell them how you feel about them, and your fears in telling them and that you would like to continue a relationship with them. Hinting never works I think. It feels easier but most of the time they probably won't get the message. Better to just do it right tell them in no uncertain terms. And be prepared for rejection, it is the hard reality of being trans and being open about it, sometimes we get rejected. Make sure you have support avaialable if you need it.

Good luck!!

[Make_It_Good]

Im sure we all share your worries Amanda, but like others have stated, it is best to get to know them first and get a feel for how they may react.
  Im extremely fortunate enough to have met an amazing woman who Im with who fully sees and accepts me as her boyfriend, she sees it no other way, and I was so scared to tell her.
We were both doing voluntary work abroad for 10weeks, I worked with her everyday so wimped out on telling her during this time. However, I told her about my "friend" who is trans. We spoke alittle bit about my "friend", this helped me to put across my opinion, help her to understand and also get a sense of how she is with the whole situation.
  I dont know, I guess you could do that if you dont feel ready to tell your guy yet...?

Once me and her were back in England, I sent her a looong email explaining how, remember the friend I told you about who is Ftm? Im the same etc etc.

Hopefully this helps atleast abit.

Try not to worry too much, I hope it all goes well for you



K

[amandax]

Thank you all for sharing your good thoughts and advise. I wish I could give you some good news, or initially I thought I can, but reality not always bring us good news as we expected. I told that guy the truth through email the day before thanksgiving, and I didn't expect to hear from him any more after that, but somehow he got back to me the next day to tell me that he were shocked and frightened, but he seems still see me as a lady and like me so much to willing to give it a try. I were really touched. I thought I can share this good news to all of you. but at that time, I thought I may want to wait for a while and see how this goes, so I can give a right update. We kept on chatting on email and txt msg without seeing each other because he was busy working on a important case and I need to go to my parents for some family emergency during thanksgiving weekend. Because I will be on a business trip for a week immediately after the thanksgiving weeke, so we said we can continue to chat or talk on the phone or email, but after my trip start 1.5 weeks ago,  he suddently disappeared and I haven't heard from him any more since that. So it seems he has cool down and realized what he is facing with and gave up. I didn't contact him neither since I don't think I am in the right position to drive this and I respect his decision. 

I thought this is a good story initially but end up still a sad story. but I believe this is part of difficulty and reality I have to face for picking up this life path. I have decided to give up dating until I have my SRS or leave in Gods hand. I think I can find other interest things and friends to fill up my life. right:) 

[Octavianus]

I am sorry to hear that Amanda. Sometimes you can't do anything about peoples ideas and preferences. I do like it that he at least tried to continue the relationship.
In my experience I can say that I would have probably dealt better with this situation if I knew more about this condition, about what you go through. For me it felt like being thrown in the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim. Maybe if it was casually discussed before disclosure or if I was given a book after to read things over. But then again I would have never met you kind people.
Despite what other people wrote in this topic, I certainly want to know that my life partner is trans. I fully understand it is a difficult subject to bring up for most of you and that you do not identify as such and do not want to be seen that way, but for me it is a simple matter of trust. If you want to share your life with a special person but you are not comfortable enough to tell him or her this then you must reconsider if this person is right for you.

Amanda don't let this experience get you down, you walk this path to be happy so shrug off the pain and look forward.

[Laruza]

I agree it is a difficult subject to handle; and should not be taken lightly. Although it depends on both people in question, it is probably a most difficult path faced by transgirls that date cisgendered men (like myself).

My general policy is that I will only tell those whom desire a serious relationship with me, but even so, it is extremely hard in doing that. As I mentioned in my introductory thread here, I am a pretty emotional person, beneath my cold exterior. A lot of times I start to cry when I tell that kind of information to him, simply because I am afraid that the person I like will no longer like me back because of some sort of misunderstanding on the matter. Despite the fact that it has very much hurt me in the past, in that quite a few people are not only not understanding of my 'issue', but are just plain hateful when it is not necessary.

(Sorry if the following derails the thread by the way, but I find it on-topic somewhat, and is just a personal story of mine.)

The worst case i can think of, which was pretty recent actually, was that a friend of mine (whom we tried a relationship before but didn't work out well and for long, but he claimed it wasn't because of my condition) tried to hook me up with one of his close friends. I got to know him somewhat well, and he seemed like an overall nice person, eventually he said that he liked me a lot and wanted to take it further. I'm a shy person overall and I just want to help others, so I decided to tell him about myself via messenger, and saying it didn't go over well would be an understatement. I've never seen someone so upset, he said I made him gag and have to throw up before blocking me, and then we talked through my friend the next day he said so many mean things to me until I had to tell my friend to stop relaying the messages because I was hurt. I wouldn't talk to him for a few weeks until my friend said I should send him a message on facebook apologizing. I did so, and he just replied with a silly stupid picture and blocked me there. 1 month later he unblocked me and accused me of hacking his computer, which is something I would never do, let alone if i even knew how. I then had to block him on facebook because he continued to harass me, and what's more is that he claimed 'I' was obsessed with him...

Anyway, enough about my personal misfortunes. I agree with Octavianus, in that you should not let it get you down, but continue on your own path.

[Octavianus]

Laruza, why should you apologize for just being who you are? You don't have anything to be ashamed about in that situation nor have you done something wrong. He should apologize to you for being so cruel! I really, really wish there was something that could be done to raise awareness because the way I see it this is mostly based on ignorance. In this I feel kind of powerless. A few weeks ago I was visiting friends when the topic of "->-bleeped-<-s" came up. The question was raised on how you would react if you discovered your girlfriend was a "man". The general spirit of the discussion was that it would be a thing so shameful that would not even be shared with your closest friends. How can one best respond to this? I really do not know. Maybe they were just acting tough to keep up their "manly" image in the company of friends, maybe they were serious. Anyway, it was then made clear that even having some insight in the subject of transsexuality is regarded as highly awkward and my view on the subject was disregarded. At least they don't call me gay anymore now I have Rose as my better half. If they only knew.

I really want to be supportive but I fail miserably in these situations. Have you any idea how to spread even the tiniest bit of insight?

[CaitJ]

Well, it really sucks that it went the way it did.
My thoughts:
Either tell them when you first meet or don't tell them at all.

[CaitJ]

I really want to be supportive but I fail miserably in these situations. Have you any idea how to spread even the tiniest bit of insight?

My approach is to state that I don't support bigotry in any form. Saying that doesn't mean you have to out yourself - a trans guy I know who works in a heavily labour related, working class male culture has made it clear that he will no tolerate gay/trans/whatever jokes. This has not outed him; people simply know that he has high standards of conduct.

[spacial]

Telling people is never going to be easy and if they don't accept it, it can leave us feeling really bad.

There was a time when most birth certificates recorded whether your parents were married or not. This caused a lot of problems for many people, who did eventually have to tell, prospective partners, their utterly shameful secret!!

We need to begin from a position of confidence. We need to get it into our heads that we are not ashamed of who we are, we don't offer any apologies to the world for being here.

We, like everyone else, are ready to offer to someone, the most precious gift anyone can give, our unconditional love and support, for life.

We get to know you, we both exchange a taster of what we can each give. If you don't want to go any further, then don't, but please, don't make out some sort of neurotic case of victimhood over it.

We have no intention of being your trophy. If your friends won't admire us, or you for winning us, we don't care.

If you are so shallow, that that is important to you, then good luck and good bye.

[Laruza]

Laruza, why should you apologize for just being who you are? You don't have anything to be ashamed about in that situation nor have you done something wrong. He should apologize to you for being so cruel! I really, really wish there was something that could be done to raise awareness because the way I see it this is mostly based on ignorance. In this I feel kind of powerless. A few weeks ago I was visiting friends when the topic of "->-bleeped-<-s" came up. The question was raised on how you would react if you discovered your girlfriend was a "man". The general spirit of the discussion was that it would be a thing so shameful that would not even be shared with your closest friends. How can one best respond to this? I really do not know. Maybe they were just acting tough to keep up their "manly" image in the company of friends, maybe they were serious. Anyway, it was then made clear that even having some insight in the subject of transsexuality is regarded as highly awkward and my view on the subject was disregarded. At least they don't call me gay anymore now I have Rose as my better half. If they only knew.

I really want to be supportive but I fail miserably in these situations. Have you any idea how to spread even the tiniest bit of insight?

Octavianus - thank you for the kind words to me; I very muchly appreciate it. I just did feel ashamed of who I am because sometimes it just feels hopeless in that people will not accept you. But therein lies my problem - I don't really have much experience in telling others of my 'condition', and most of whom I have told have indeed reacted negatively, despite how I try and word it. As Valeriedances suggested, I usually don't use terms such as 'I used to be (this)' or 'I am (this)' (where (this) is usually substituted for trans-related words.), but usually just try to explain it in that I am a girl with boy parts. But I just struggle with trying to convey my situation without the other person feeling confused. I am not sure of other people in the same situation, however I just want to be treated as I was before the person knew, as a 'normal' girl. But rarely that happens and most are either negative of it, or insanely positive an admit that it's a 'fetish' of theirs. What I really want is just 'unconditional acceptance', as spacial said.

But for the original poster; don't let my negative experiences get you down, I think it is better to be honest and see what happens, rather than hide things and be happy.

As for your discussion (Octavianus) with friends and "->-bleeped-<-s" came up, I would either just ignore it if you do wish to stay friends with those people, or try to find new friends whom don't seem to be as low-brow. Unfortunately, Rose's situation will have to put you in a place wherein you have to choose your companions and allies wisely, but you may find that it may be a good thing. Thought ultimately I am not in your position and you will have to decide on your own accord.

[annette]

Hi Amanda

sorry to hear how the story is ended, don't let it bring you down because if a man can't say: okay, i'm not in for a tgirl and the relation has to stop here but silencly sneakes away, it's cowardly.
You'll meet other people and he will never know what he's missing, a beautifull loving woman.
I agree with octavianus, when you can't feel comfortable with a bf, is it the right person for you?
and octavianus, let your friends talk and be manly and tough, it's just a pose, everybody is vulnerable when your in love, they too but together with a bunch of men they are keeping up appearancies of toughness.
so, trek het je niet aan, als je maar gelukkig bent met rozemarijn dat is het belangrijkste.

love
annette

[Cruelladeville]

*I am very scared in telling, but will keep at it as I believe it is important in telling who I am.*

Initially for a few years or so post-op.... I felt like this Valerie.... (so keep strong ma dear) !!

But real life experience eventually shaped me different... who am I = a key statement for sure.

What I 'am' is a woman with a female brain, body, mind and female sexual parts and characteristics...

And what i found was when you then 'confess' all to your new-found beloved that this is not 'real', tis man made (in his minds eye)... then you smash and then 'negate' this all....

(Result = you all loose)

And believe me though, in some rare cases your fully-on-board hetero chap, mate boyfriend/hubby gives you the benefit of the doubt... i.e he might be settled in his own sexuality... with you when solo...

When out with his work colleagues, mates family et al...it would sh#t him, unsettle or break him if 'someone else' ever twigs your dirty little secret and dares suggest he's really gay...

(Therein lays your BIG problem)

So if you choose to tell him - tis he too that has to live too with the ticking time-bomb...

(Stealth has proved my very best ally personally with my love interests, and I only have almost two decades of experience with this)

I think this is defo what you would call a catch-22 situation.... my way only means i have to live with the burden of it all... and its a very small one in reality I've found....

For a normal life then to unfold.... and remain.