For years I've struggled with my gender. It's been a long time since I've been confused, though. I've known that I'm male for about five years now. I know who I am. At the same time, I've always been... afraid doesn't seem like the right word, but hesitant about going through transitioning or getting surgery and going on T and what-not... and like... I always thought that I was just a horrible transgender or that maybe everyone was right, maybe it was just a phase...
...but I knew it wasn't, and it just.. it haunted me for years, all of this fear and this guilt and.. I just felt like I was doing it wrong for so long. I kind of hid away on the internet, the one place where I could be myself and not have to lie or pretend based on how people see me. I guess a part of me didn't like.. get it. The operation thing. I know that it would be great to have a penis. If I woke up tomorrow as a biological male, I would be the happiest that I've ever been... but the truth of the matter is, even if I went through all of that to get that penis, It would never work like it should. I wouldn't be able to father children.. I wouldn't have a real penis. No, I'd be a woman with mutilated genitals, no matter what I did.
I often thought that it would be... like.. just not worth it, once I realized that I would never actually be the man I want to be. That just made me feel even more guilty about everything, and I would go through periods of my life where I would just watch FTM transition videos and sob because I couldn't have that, and I don't even know why. I just felt like everything was so hopeless and that I was the biggest failure and liar in the world, and that if I really was the man I say I am, that I would just go do it, and not worry about it, or what other people would thing, or how it would affect my future.
I always wanted to go into politics. I knew that would never happen if I transitioned, no one would elect a man who used to be a woman, especially since I am a Republican. It just wouldn't happen. I started to wonder if overcoming this struggle was really worth everything I had to lose, my dreams of being in politics or the ability to have children (I don't even know why that bothers me so much. I don't really ever want to get pregnant or carry to term, but being ABLE to have children just doesn't seem like something I can give up. I would just feel... like.. I would regret it. I wouldn't feel productive. I am getting really off subject). It kind of kept me down.
.....and I just... I don't know. I had to struggle between who I know I am, and working with what I had.
This is a little off subject, but I swear all of this has a point somewhere. I genuinely enjoy dressing up like a girl. I like putting on makeup and putting pretty things on and wearing jewelry. I think it's fun. I also feel really, really guilty for that too. It's like.. playing pretend. Playing dress up. The only thing I can think to relate this to would be like.. being in drag. All the time. It's fun and I enjoy doing it, but none of it is real. It's all a game I'm playing, a character I'm portraying. I feel like if I was a MAN I wouldn't want to do those things. The logical part of me tells me that MEN do things like that sometimes too, and that there's no one way to be transgendered, but I have a hard time believing it, even when I know it's true.
Lately I've finally taken the first few steps and I feel more like myself, and happier with who I am that I've ever been. I cut my hair and bought myself a pack of men's V-neck shirts. That's all it took, and I IMMEDIATELY feel better about everything. I feel more outgoing and more confident and everything. That's not the point, though.
The point is, I've always felt guilty beyond belief that I never really wanted to transition, though I know that my biological sex doesn't align with my actual sex. I've always felt so alone and like I was the worst transgender ever and that I ought to just stop "lying to myself" and get on with my life as a woman, but I knew and I still know that it's not a phase and it's not going away. Knowing that there are other people out there... who are transgendered but won't transition.... make me feel... like, a lot better about myself. It's something I can finally feel... less guilty about being myself. I can start dealing with my life and my happiness and everything.. So, I just wanted to thank all of you. Even though I didn't post in any other topic, I feel so much better... just knowing that I'm not the only one and that I'm not judged for it.
So... thank you. God, thank you.
