I've recently become aware of a huge amount of trans-related memories and issues from my past. I only became aware I was trans a little over 3 months ago - so how come I took concrete, physical steps in preparation for transition 4 years ago? How come I was researching transsexualism 6 years ago, and rejected it only because of the 1-year-RLE-before-hormones requirement? How come I couldn't remember any of these, or the nights I'd go to sleep and make myself believe I'd wake up with a female body in the morning, or the stabs of pain when I realized I'd hae to order a T in boys' model, or the self-contempt over being male? How come all of these were true, and existed, and I can remember them now, but couldn't just 4 months ago?
I must have partitioned my mind off, like a hard drive. I can remember deliberately repressing the desire for a female body, and editing my own dreams at night to push myself out of the head of female dream characters, out of a sense of shame. I can also remember not remembering any of this. I had myself convinced I was male, that my gender identity was secure when every tiny reminder of the myriad ways men were inferior (lifespan, aggression, sex drive, etc.) was enough to hurt me deeply. I can remember the day when I was 12 years old, and for the first time my reflection showed a monster. I can also remember convincing myself this was because I was fat, when I've never been.
What I can't remember is when this sense of shame first developed. I can remember playing with girls' toys early on, and feeling ashamed, and playing with them in a boyish fashion because, even alone, I couldn't for the life of me transgress the gender boundaries I'd set up for myself. I could remember playing with girls' toys - I could not remember the shame. Only that I was afraid of being teased. But now, the shame is remembered. When did I first partition my mind off? I don't know. I remember going through adolescence, and feeling like a clumsy and vulnerable girl hidden inside an exterior of iron. I remember altering my gait, my mannerisms, my speech patterns, because I was convinced everyone saw the shameful truth: That I was a girl within. But I can also remember remembering none of this.
Now, I could just be deluding myself. This is entirely possible - memories can be constructed. But I have real, tangible, physical evidence of at least part of this - a certain object I procured surreptitiously from my place of employment in preparation for the day I'd have a female body. So, at least some of it is true. I've no idea when I first divided my mind - it could be before I have any conscious memory. It could have happened so gradually I didn't notice. My first definite trans-related experience was at age 12, but there are things that could be signs as far back as I can remember. Especially, the all-consuming fear of people seeing as "girly", because I felt I was and I didn't understand how people could miss it.
Is this a common experience? Have any of you discovered you'd done the same? My impression is it's more usual for trans people to be aware all their lives, but only part of my mind was aware, and that part I didn't have access to.
