I am so depressed ... I wish I was never born...

[Elsa]

After 1 month on HRT I was very happy that despite all the crap that has happened to me ... my life was finally going the way I wanted it to... until today..
I decided today to head to the mall to buy clothes that will make me feel a bit more feminine but my hope were dashed when I got there ... there was nothing that would fit me or look good on me...
after some time I decided to head to loo ... where in the mirror I saw an average guy who looks no where near a girl and could never pass... (me)

I was soooo depressed that I went out of there as fast as I could... and on the way after 2 years of quitting smoking I found myself smoking again.. I could barely hold back the tears as I was still presenting as a male at the time... as soon as I got home I went to the bathroom and started crying ... and still am right now..

I cant help thinking what if I never pass as a women .. I have never succeeded at any relationship because I keep letting my GID get in the way.. I wish I was never born... I dont want to be a guy any more its not who I am ... I am fed up of pretending to be someone I'm not... 

I wished that I had started HRT years ago ... but I dont want to stop now only to wish 5 years from now that I had continued...

[purple sky]

hang on to your dreams , allow yourself to cry, it is ok! remember the hormones will work its magic, You will find your feelings develop  and intensify and it will be difficult at times so realize your chemistry is changing and it will have more of an impact on your physc.  Remember it is ok to tripp up and have  a smoke, just drop them.  its ok

[jessica]

just hang in there, i can relate to what your feeling and I know how down it can make you feel.  What I do to try and get out of that mindset is to just remind myself that I'm moving my life forward and things take time. I try not to dwell to much on the past too.  anyways i hope the rest of your day is good times

[Amazon D]

firstly dump the smogs and be patient. Your only 23 and will do well with HRT over yrs. I started out almost twice your age and did well. Relax go slow dump the ciggs because they will ruin everything positive for you.

[Astarielle]

Everyone has up and down days. If we didn't have the bad days, how would we know that the good days are good?

Moving past that, it's only been a month. These things do take time; taking hormones will not magically make you a girl. You have to believe in yourself, and do your best. I'm sure you'll look great after awhile, once the hormones have done their job. What's important is how you feel. If you feel good about your body, it will show, and people will like you.

[Sandy]

It sounds like you had a fashion melt-down at the mall.  Don't worry, that happens to all of us sooner or later!    There are some days that NOTHING looks right, let alone good.  Don't let that get you down.

You are stronger than this.  Now dry your eyes (and put out the cigarette) and go put on some make up and make yourself look pretty and put something on that you have already.  It may be something you've worn a thousand times before, but if it makes you feel good about yourself, then put it on.

The first steps in learning to become yourself is to believe in yourself.  The beauty that is within needs to shine.  You have it in you.  Really!

And don't worry about the relationships right now.  There will be time for that later.  And you are a girl, not a guy!  Like many of us you have been born with a birth defect that needs to be corrected, that's all.  The whole idea is to take it one step at a time.  You can do this, you are strong, and you are brave.

And don't stop the HRT.  As you probably know by now, it takes time to change.  Puberty takes years and it will take time for you.  Just as an aside, male puberty does not complete until the late 20's.  So you will actually have a much better result since you are still in pubescence.  Old bats like me don't fair quite as well in our second puberty.

Go to the mall another time and you will find that they have put out new things and you may find something more suitable then.

Deep breath, hon, just take deep breaths...

-Sandy

[spacial]

If you don't mind me pointing out, you've made the classic mistake.

You've looked in the mirror and found yourself inadequate.

One of the lessons I've learnt here, in Susans' is that we are the worst judges of ourselves. There's just too much anxiety, too many self doubts, too much self criticism.

Let's face it, we start off with what we don't like, as we change, we still see the old self. Surprise??

[Elsa]

thanks guys that really means alot to me ..

and I've put out that ciggy...

still quite upset after what happened ...

I guess sometimes we need to keep going .. I am really glad I have you guys for support ... (here I go ... crying again....)

[V M]

Seems allot of gals tend to go through this sort of thing right around the one month mark for some reason

But hey, relax... Give the HRT time to work it's magic... Most gals don't see much results until around the third month

After one year of HRT I bet you'll  have a whole new perspective

*HUGS*

[Janet_Girl]

SSDD, Vibes.  I think we all have been there.  Mall meltdown.  When I was beginning I never went to the mall.  I shopped online and at thrift stores.

It does get better.  You will see.

[Elsa]

thanks guys ... (wiping away the tears ... and trying to get a hold of myself...) 

really appreciate having you guys for support...

you guys are great!

[Ayaname]

I would do almost anything to be able to go back and start hrt at your age. You're still young and you have only been on hormones for a short while. It takes some time. I do understand the struggle though. I had almost 2 years of constant meltdowns. My transition went VERY slowly because I used some not so effective methods to start with. And since the change was so gradual it made it much more difficult to notice it. Even after I had friends who didn't know I was trans I'd still constantly tell myself that I didn't pass and never would. Even now I have plenty of days where I look in the mirror and wonder if I'd changed at all since starting hrt. But as long as you are starting out with the correct hormones you should have a much easier time than I had. Just be patient and try not to get ahead of yourself. The first couple of months are the hardest.

[samantha1976ts]

sometimes i wish i was never born, and why did god create me only for me to find misery at times..they say god doesnt make mistakes, well can you explain why i feel like a girl and am male by birth?
i cant explain but i try to find some kind of peace, and hope in my journey to become a woman. so im going to keep trying to live the life i should be. i hope you all try to do the same and get what you desire in life... 

[Bird]

Vibe, 1 month still is a very short time on HRT, as others said. It will take quite a while before it has full effects, as you are essentially going through a second puberty.

[pebbles]

Hey girl I'm your age, it took me 5 months on HRT before I was even referred to as female by a stranger and then it was "Was that a dude or a chick" deal for ages it was 8-9 before it became the norm for me to be referred to as female. I of course wish the same thing about fixing this mess before It and going back in time to fix the past but it's not somthing you can do so you gotta mourn what you lost then go on with what you have got we still both started in our early 20s it could have been another 20 years.

[Megan]

Just give it a few more months, I doubt much change could occur in 1 month to make you stunning, but maybe in 6 months you might be?

Just remain strong.

[BunnyBee]

I didn't notice a whole lot of changes in my first month on HRT, besides feeling a little better about life.  Hang in there .

[Elsa]

thanks everyone ... I really needed that ...

will stick to the HRT... don't want to give up now...

::::big hug to everyone::::

[Sandy]

***hugs back***

-Sandy

[marissak]

Vibes,

I live as female now. Everyone accepts me as female. About 99% of these "everyone" seem to not know.

However, when I see myself in the mirror, I still see the guy staring back at me. On some days, he looks more masculine than on other days. It took me a very long time to accept that regardless of how I see myself, other people do not see me the same way.

Perception is a weird concept. People will only see what they expect to see. If you dress like other women your age in public, most people will not try to guess your gender.

If this is just your first time, please do not despair. Some transwomen are living as women and nobody can tell even though they looked very masculine previously. There are ways out, depending on your preferences and perspectives. Here are three things you could start to do to solve the problem that is behind your current depression ...

- If you can find someone (preferably a genetic or trans female) who is good at makeup and picking clothes, ask that person for help.

- I have not seen you so I cannot tell for sure, but some transwomen do need FFS to feminize their bone structures which do not respond to hormones after a certain age. The best way to tell is to check with someone you trust who has undergone some FFS and then to check with one of the FFS surgeons around the world (inquire, send pictures/videos, ask them ... and get multiple opinions ... do not get fixated on one because they are in it to make money too).

- Make a list of things about you that do look feminine. Then look for celebrities or women you know who also have those feminine features. See how they bring out those features through clothes or makeup or hair or something else.

I hope this helps.

Whenever you encounter a severe difficulty, it is normal to want to never have been born (I have been there too), but the more pragmatic thing to do is to figure out ways to solve the difficulty. And this forum seems very responsive. So please do not give up hope.