Where should I start? When should I start? What should I do?

[Chea]

I'm a F in biological identity. A Chinese leave in Malaysia where 'conservative Muslim' rules the country. Strong hatred and social stigma towards LGBT. I hate wearing skirt since childhood itself. I always play arm-wrestling, racing toy car, and punching with my 3 brothers.

When I was 9, I developed a feeling of want to couple with 1 of my classmate (F). Since then, I solely find that I'm not suppose to born as F, I had crushed with 5 girls till now but I never tell them how I feel towards them. I always want to be a boy. I'm affraid, I will be stigmatized with my behavior and the feelings towards girl. I don't call myself a homosexual and I really don't accept the term 'homosexual' to suit my feelings. And I never told my mom or my brothers what I want to be. It's really hard to tell them and I can't resist myself to act or dress like a male.

As I grow older, started high school and college life, my college mate always ask me why do I keep my hair short? Why not let it grow longer? Have I ever wear a skirt? And I can't get myself to be frank with them then I start lying, say I will have allergy or rashes when I feel hot. And it happens that I keep myself isolated from them, I feel guilty and at the same time I don't want to be ask the same question again and again. I keep myself a distance with my classmates, seniors and even girl that find me interesting. I started to have life that is so boring. I have no one to talk with, I don't want to be judged. I want a life where people accept me who I am.

[heatherrose]

Welcome, we are glad you are here. There are many people here who feel the same way that
you do and have been through the same things that you have. I know just how alone you must
feel. I wish that I had a place like this to come to when I was your age. Is there a therapist or
counselor at your school that you can go talk to? I know that it might be awkward to talk to a
stranger about your private feelings but it might be the only way that you may find some relief.
You are not evil or sick, there are millions of people that are going through the very same things.

[Chea]

Welcome, we are glad you are here. There are many people here who feel the same way that
you do and have been through the same things that you have. I know just how alone you must
feel. I wish that I had a place like this to come to when I was your age. Is there a therapist or
counselor at your school that you can go talk to? I know that it might be awkward to talk to a stranger about your private feelings but it might be the only way that you may find some relief.
You are not evil or sick, there are millions of people that are going through the very same things.

Thank you for your warm welcome.

I in fact a student of physiotherapy in India, they do have therapist here and I can easily approach them but I'm not sure they can help in my situation.

Furthermore, we are working in the same hospital. I'm afraid my confidentiality will not be secured. Drs, nurses, students and interns are living in the same campus area. I don't want my classmate and senior to know despite to some extent they should have guessed or known through my behavior.

[Kairi]

Hi Chea,

Does your study institution not have any generally counselling service? I don't mean those people who deliver your course, but rather a separate service especially for students.

Although I am M in biological identity so going the other way from you, I am also Chinese but was born and raised in the UK.  I can totally understand your situation about the cutural taboo regarding LGBT and because of this I have a hard time coming out to my family and haven't done so yet. You can PM me if you want to talk about the cutural aspects of things.

[kyril]

Welcome.

You will find many other boys and men here who share many of your feelings and experiences. A lot of us can relate very easily to your feelings of loneliness, isolation, and boredom. Have you found any resources in Malaysia to help trans people?

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to the site Chea  I wish I had something helpful to say but I do wish you luck on getting help and I'm glad you found the site

[Chea]

Thank you so much guys. Really thank you a lot and I appreaciate the warm-sharing you guys gave.
I'm trying to find a friendly therapist in my working hospital, I hope I can 1st try to come out to a professional, then to my friend, and lastly my mother.
Thank you once again.