starting to feel like it all an unnatainable dream...

[Eve of chaos]

I started really facing my gender issues about a month ago, but all my life i had those nights where i stayed up late praying in every way i could that i would wake up a girl, id fantasize what id do even if it was for one day. and eventually i decided that when i die ill be able to choose my gender and even if i live in some twilight zone world where im the only real person id finally be happy.

i was always under the impression that the only thing that could be done was srs and id be a boy without a weiner and a slit that looked nothing like a vagina. i was afraid to actually research it because i didnt want to admit to myself i was considering it.

then a month ago it started getting bad again and i faced my fear and researched it, and what i learned not only gave me hope but it also instilled so much more fear in me...at that point my mind completely shut down, i had a terrible breakdown. from the little i ahd learned at that point i knew i needed therapy to help me face it, but i had no money and no job. so i told my mother, she was supportive somewhat, and she found me a therapist who deals with transgender for $20 a session. in the time between that session i was glued to the computer, i read every website i could find, tsroadmap, transsexual.org...ect ect. and i felt like i was learning everything, yet what i did more than anytihng was watch peoples transition videos on youtube, i thought that if the majority of the people i saw could fool me and look good at the end id be ok, but i only ever saw two that i could honestly saw looked like girls. and they looked very fem to beign with.

i stressed out over my voice, im still stressing it. i stressed out over everytihng at one point but i tried to hold my composure till i made a decision. and i wasnt gonna do taht without therapy.

ive had two sessions so far and she has had transpatients before but not recently, im not sure how much she can help at this point but i know its all i can afford.

at the last session she told me i should dress myself as feminine as i could and decide if i could be happy with myself, or something like that, so i did, and i didnt know waht to tihnk, i look at myself and i dont see a female, nor can i see one buried underneath, i see an impossible sculpt. and i feel like even if i could get all the money for everytihng science can offer id still not look female enough. there are jsut some tihngs taht notihng will change...

im trying my hardest to take it all slow, but i feel like my clock is ticking. i feel so much regret for not facing this sooner now and i know Tahiti only get much worse if i decide to hold off for a few years.

im not a strong person, i try so har dot be but i get discouraged easily, and i see so many strong people facing this, and im cracking at the very beggining. cracking so much taht with deep regret and disgust i feel a little suicidal...i jsut think back to my thought of being what i want in the afterlife...

i cant figure out why i want to be a girl so bad, id be a tomboy. id wear pretty much what i already wear, i already wear girl pants and tight shirts, ive even seen my hairstyle on plenty of girls and i love it.

yet i hate everything about being a boy, i hate boys in general.

growing up i alwasy felt sympathy for the girls whos boyfriends didnt treat them right, even way before pubert, and i swore that wouldnt be me. and i grew up to be a clingy emotionally attached person who is a turn off to msot girls. but my love life is ffine now, i ahve a gf who loves me for that, but i cant help but wonder if this is all stemming from hating boys so much

i dont even know, at thsi point im still in shutdown. and i cnt turn it back on, i cant bring up the courage to say that im truly a transexual...who am i to even say that i am?

since joining this site i ha dfelt wonderful inside. i was being treated as a girl witohut having to lie in anyway, and untill tongiht i thought i was getting somewhere.

i looked in the mirror for a long time, i stared at my shoulders...i stared at my hideous gut and the way my back curves in to make it worse. and everytihng else on ym face. and i feel liek all progress has halted, i feel alone...i feel like my brow has become so heavy and is encompassing ym face, i get this undomfortable choking feeling in my larynx, and i walk everywhere with my arms over my chest becasue it feels liek its collapsing in itself, and ive been shaving myself all over osessively and daily, my razor burn is starting to hurt.... I feel like everyone is so sure, and i cant make my thought processing work.

ive been unemployed for months with no luck anywhere i go. im stuck at my gf's parents hosue and feel completely unwanted here. with my real family in a different city.

i feel liek i cant face this, whether it be financial, living situation, or my own fear, i desperately want to, and i want to do it soon...

im sorry for the long post, and all they typo's, i cant stop shaking. i feel like this is probably against the rules in some way, ive never been a part of a forum before so im really not sure...i jsut really wanted to tell people who might be able to understand...i dont even know for what reason, im jsut having a breakdown;.;

[Colleen Ireland]

Aw, honey, I so identify with you.  What you've just described I could have written 33 years ago.  It's scary, I know.  But you're very lucky to have the Internet.  Just remember that the people who post videos on YouTube aren't always the best ones to go by.  As you note, some of them are good, but others... well...

Seriously, life is a very, very long time.  A very lot of things happen.  Even 30 years is very young.  I'm 54, and I'm nowhere near ready to lie down in the dirt.  And it DOES get better, it really does.  Just hang in there, try to be patient, hang out here a lot, and insist on finding people (friends, support groups, therapists, whatever) who can help you.  Network.  The more people you open up to, the more likely you will find someone who will offer all KINDS of help.  Be brave.  You ARE strong.  Trust me on this.

[Eve of chaos]

Aw, honey, I so identify with you.  What you've just described I could have written 33 years ago.  It's scary, I know.  But you're very lucky to have the Internet.  Just remember that the people who post videos on YouTube aren't always the best ones to go by.  As you note, some of them are good, but others... well...

Seriously, life is a very, very long time.  A very lot of things happen.  Even 30 years is very young.  I'm 54, and I'm nowhere near ready to lie down in the dirt.  And it DOES get better, it really does.  Just hang in there, try to be patient, hang out here a lot, and insist on finding people (friends, support groups, therapists, whatever) who can help you.  Network.  The more people you open up to, the more likely you will find someone who will offer all KINDS of help.  Be brave.  You ARE strong.  Trust me on this.

thank you for the kind post, i have to keep reminding myself that i have it much better off than most, i just get discouraged by how lost i feel, and knowing that this is the most important decision in my life :/

[A]

Who are you to even say that you are a transsexual ? You are you, and while my very personal opinion is that you probably are one, I never even met you. And even your therapist, who will get to know you more and more, cannot possibly ever know more than yourself who you are.

I've had a breakdown exactly like yours about 1-2 months ago, and that made me write a frigging 9-page essay describing my whole "transsexual history" to the psychiatrist, haha. Doing it helped me much. Putting your thoughts on paper, especially like you just did, "automatically", even if it's often a big pain to do, helps much.

For now, just NOW. I think you should go to bed and try to sleep, or read a good book, or watch a good anime, because thinking too deep while tired, shaking and panicked is pretty depressing and not as effective as thinking calmly.

Plus, If I were going to post pictures (which I fear to do, on top of having no camera), I would probably have the same attitude as you, even though the few comments I have had were that it really wasn't so bad (your body's better, I think, though). And you know what ? Stereotypically, relentlessly repeating that you are ugly and look like a guy... Isn't this a girl's attribute ? Haha.

When I'm too panicked or stressed to think effectively, I try to temporarily forget my concerns - Anime has been the best solution for me so far - and think about them again later.

And about suicide : What do you know about the afterlife ? As far as I'm concerned, no one has very hard facts about this. And in front of the absolute unknown, I prefer to keep the negative attitude. If it CAN be that bad, I assume it WILL be that bad. So I assume everyone who dies then falls in eternal and ultimate suffering for eternity. That belief is what made me survive. Good optimistic beliefs are for the non-suicidal.

[Eve of chaos]

Who are you to even say that you are a transsexual ? You are you, and while my very personal opinion is that you probably are one, I never even met you. And even your therapist, who will get to know you more and more, cannot possibly ever know more than yourself who you are.

I've had a breakdown exactly like yours about 1-2 months ago, and that made me write a frigging 9-page essay describing my whole "transsexual history" to the psychiatrist, haha. Doing it helped me much. Putting your thoughts on paper, especially like you just did, "automatically", even if it's often a big pain to do, helps much.

For now, just NOW. I think you should go to bed and try to sleep, or read a good book, or watch a good anime, because thinking too deep while tired, shaking and panicked is pretty depressing and not as effective as thinking calmly.

Plus, If I were going to post pictures (which I fear to do, on top of having no camera), I would probably have the same attitude as you, even though the few comments I have had were that it really wasn't so bad (your body's better, I think, though). And you know what ? Stereotypically, relentlessly repeating that you are ugly and look like a guy... Isn't this a girl's attribute ? Haha.

When I'm too panicked or stressed to think effectively, I try to temporarily forget my concerns - Anime has been the best solution for me so far - and think about them again later.

And about suicide : What do you know about the afterlife ? As far as I'm concerned, no one has very hard facts about this. And in front of the absolute unknown, I prefer to keep the negative attitude. If it CAN be that bad, I assume it WILL be that bad. So I assume everyone who dies then falls in eternal and ultimate suffering for eternity. That belief is what made me survive. Good optimistic beliefs are for the non-suicidal.

I took your advice and went and watched a movie, im a night person so theres not gonna be any sleeping for me for another few hours>.<

im still sad and a little teary but im feeling better, i also talked with a friend and he told me he can see the girl in me much better than i can and always could, it felt good to hear that for what its worth anyway.

but thank you for replying, just knowing people are out there that care enough to give advice and to even reply makes all the difference.

[tekla]

Not all dreams come true.  How many people get off the bus or plane every single day in LA who are going to 'make it in movies' or 'be a rock star'?  How many really make it?  The old show-biz adage is/was "There is a bright light for every broken heart on Broadway" and that's a lot of lights.

So, who does make it?  Those that plan and work towards it instead of dreaming and hoping it just happens.  The people who are sitting at the Starbucks waiting to be 'discovered' sit for a long, long time, while those that get up early and hit every audition they can, every day, day in and day out - they do better.

And the first key part of any plan is to prioritize what has to be done.  It's easy to be overwhelmed, trying to solve everything at once, to have it done all this month, when any huge complex task is really just a series of smaller bits that have to be performed in an order.  Having the plan, working the plan (and adjusting it when needed) does a lot to mitigate that overwhelmed feeling.  Putting first things first, and working that gets people to where they want to be.

[AweSAM!]

Ekuryua, I know it's rough, and I'm currently upset (again), and sleep is not coming any time soon. It might not be good, but letting your emotions out will leave you tired, and you'll be able to fall asleep.

I wholeheartedly agree with Tekla.

And the first key part of any plan is to prioritize what has to be done.  It's easy to be overwhelmed, trying to solve everything at once, to have it done all this month, when any huge complex task is really just a series of smaller bits that have to be performed in an order.  Having the plan, working the plan (and adjusting it when needed) does a lot to mitigate that overwhelmed feeling.  Putting first things first, and working that gets people to where they want to be.

[Eve of chaos]

i wouldnt say that i feel like i have to get it all done this month, just that i have to make up my mind soon if im going to start or not. i cant just sit around in shutdown mode much longer.

i think once i make up my mind i wont feel so rushed, cause ill have a direction.

[Cindy]

We all have hopes, we all have doubts, we all have fantasies. Reality is one step at a time. Plan, as Tekla said.  It isn't a race or a contest it is life. As many others have said in different posts, our perceptions of ourselves can be very misleading.  Indeed we should never judge ourselves as we never really see ourselves. We see what we hope or see what we expect. But rarely do we see what we are.

All of these issues placed on top of your financial and family problems must be totally draining. And we are also bad at recognizing that. The insidious creep of depression can be on us before we are aware. Even if everyone who knows us has recognised it, but don't help us by saying so.

Try and take easy steps. Don't rush, and if you are happy being a woman who likes to wear jeans and T's rather than skirts and dresses, guess what? Do so. I reckon most (western) women do.  Unless I'm going out, I usually wear trackies and tops.  I don't run around the house in high heels and a mini. Unless I feel like or unless I'm having friends over. I don't see many woman in the supermarket dressed in night club gear. What you wear does not define your gender. It may be an indication; but that is all. GI Jane is still female in battle gear.

Try and get some of the anger and depression out. I do know how hard it is.  Many, many of us have been in the same place.

Hugs Honey


Cindy

[rejennyrated]

You know self perception is a slippery customer, it changes all the time. If you look at yourself in the present all you can see is one thing, but go back to those images with the perspective of several years history and you see things you never noticed.

When I was young all I ever saw were my masculine features, even when I was being allowed to express my transness, which thanks to exceptional parents and schools I was allowed to do from the age of 5 or so. At the time transgender/intersex was not a thing anyone understood and thus I was teased by boys at school who called me ugly (because they knew I was "different" to the other girls).

At the time I believed them and throughout my childhood I honestly thought I was ugly. I went on believing that until four days ago when I was looking through some old pics and I found a picture of me at school which I posted on here in the photo sharing thread. I was stunned when someone told me I was cute!

But here comes the strange part - now I look at the pic I can see it too. I WAS cute! - and all the time I thought I was ugly.

On and off I have now lived as a female for about 40 years of my 50 years of life. I had two periods of pretending to be male. The first was prior to the age of four or five and the second was in my later teens when some idiot doctor decided that he could straighten me out with an early version of reparative therapy. Despite this it took me until I was over 40 before I started to feel consistently happy with my image, yet when I look back at the photos they show a reasonably pretty girl... perhaps not in Northern Janes league but certainly nothing out of place.

NOW lets come to you. Is that your picture in the AVATAR? I guess it is. Now I know that the angles and pose are deliberately chosen by all of us to show ourselves to best effect, but my honest opinion is that that picture is of a GIRL, beyond a shadow of doubt.

Then of course perhaps the avatar is not you, and is some hapless female whose image you have borrowed. Never the less my observation would be the same. You will not see yourself as others see you. Ask Helena, for example, whose elfin black and white Avatars have become something of a feature of this site. She is positively pretty and achieved a pretty well 100% pass on her first outing in female attire. I know because I was there! But at the time she could not see it for herself. At that point she still had the delusion that she looked male!!!

Now lets move on to other people. Forget glossy magazines with their airbrushed idealised images of girls, LOOK at the REAL girls and women around you every day, not with the eye of longing but with the eye of brutal analytical criticism, and SEE what is really there.

You will suddenly realise that while there are lots of eye catching feminine girls there are also a LOT of rather average ones who you simply don't notice and many of them have pretty masculine features. In fact a lot of them technically don't "pass" at all... and yet they ARE natally female.

Bottom line is, such fears are MEANINGLESS. If you feel that you are female inside, and if you act reasonably female, and dress reasonably female then by and large people will see you as a female.

What is more even though you may not be able to see that in your own reflection at the time, I almost guarantee that if you take some pictures and look at them in a few years time, your eye will be kinder and you will see what you are not seeing now.

So don't let these fears put you off. Personally I think therapists should often come with a health warning. It is true, transition is a rocky and hard road, and it is not one for the faint hearted, so a therapist will naturally do everything they can to test your resolve. The question you need to ask yourself is this. If I don't do this now, in ten years will I be happy, or will I be filled with inconsolable regret at the loss of my girlhood?

Ask any of the late transitioners on here if they wish that they has started sooner and they will pretty well all say yes, because it  cannot be easy becoming a woman without ever having been a girl!

Oh here is the photo of that ugly masculine little intersexed girl that I started off as - you judge for yourself how accurate my perceptions were, and then realise that yours are similarly not to be trusted, because I'll bet you anything that you look better than you think!

[Eve of chaos]

@rejennyrated

that is a picture of me in the avatar, and im glad you said what you did because out of all the ones i took that one has really spoke to me, i could not post fast enough to get 25 and able to upload it :p

ive been trying to go out more often and study females and theyre faces and such, ive actually made it an obsession to find at least one masculine feature on every girl i come across, and im sure i look creepy or like im checking them out haha.

i think i have too much of an idea of how i want to look, if i was born female id probably still hate my looks because everyone thinks i look just like my sister and i find her distasteful blagh. what i think i need to do is get past the looks so i can focus purely on gender. i really dont want to be that superficial. i think day by day im getting better though, i can see the improvement ive been making and mostly i feel impressed with myself, I am prone to depression though so i know ill have some more breakdowns, but i cant stress enough how much everyone on here has been helping. ^.^

i really like hearing stores about others, i like being able to relate where as for so long i never imagined other people felt this strongly about it, some people even stronger! (i was very oblivious to transgender issues most of my life>.<)

so thank you for sharing with me, it really helps. and that is just such an adoreable picture^.^im gonna hold onto these first pre hrt pictures too look back on someday now, you've inspired me.

@CindyJames

im gonna try and step back and take a breather for sure, ive got therapy tomorrow which im really looking forward to now. there is a lot draining me on top of these gender issues and although breaking down is not fun in the slightest it helps me get motivated even more when i get past it.

im starting to feel good again

[moonrise]

Ekuryua,

I too see your Avatar as female!  I wish I looked even half as cute as you do.  When I was much younger I thought I looked SO male.  The truth is that I was my *worse* judge.  I really could have pulled off a very good looking girl.  Now many years later and a lot less hair on my head I'm not so concerned about how I look but care more about how I feel.  You will do fine and you will be cute, I'm sure :-)

Rylee

[pebbles]

Have you looked at the before and after of many of the women here on this forum I have several photos of various members before and after. For moral support.

Alot of them look very female these days and they used to look very male.

Looking at your picture I'd say you have a very good starting position and I'd say your one of those who are already "half-way there"

[moonrise]

Ekuryua,

OK, so I responded to your post when your girlfriend helped dress you up.  For your first time dressing your really do look wonderful!  Sweetheart, your dream is *very* attainable!  The only one who can take your dream is you.  Girls don't become women overnight and neither will we.  One day at a time, one step at a time.  Learn all you can and keep walking in the direction of your dreams.  One day you will look back and be surprise at how far you have made it.   

Rylee

[Cruelladeville]

Hey Ekuryua, you have a big advantage over me.... I only started on HRT when i hit my late twenties (during the late 1980's).... you look like you're just past/in yer teens?

So here's my thoughts on this for you....

Rule 1: Forget about an afterlife

Rule 2: Simply ask yourself these two questions: (and think long and hard before answering them)

Who really are you?

And what do you really want?

And ponder on this, is it better to dig deep, cultivate courage and live your life as honestly and femininely as possible, or do you really think it's going to be better to give up and live as a quirky but femmish style male?

If over the coming months the girl within option wins out....

That's where you need to head for, and no it won't be easy.... but then nothing of any value ever is?

Remember...the only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work!

[Renate]

I agree with most of what was said above already.

1) Concentrate on the here-and-now, ignore the question of an afterlife.

2) Don't think in terms of "fooling" people. That does an injustice. I'm a woman no matter how I look.

3) You are the least able to judge how feminine you look, now or later.

4) This is about being happy, not necessarily a beauty star.

[Lacey Lynne]

Not all dreams come true.  How many people get off the bus or plane every single day in LA who are going to 'make it in movies' or 'be a rock star'?  How many really make it?  The old show-biz adage is/was "There is a bright light for every broken heart on Broadway" and that's a lot of lights.

So, who does make it?  Those that plan and work towards it instead of dreaming and hoping it just happens.  The people who are sitting at the Starbucks waiting to be 'discovered' sit for a long, long time, while those that get up early and hit every audition they can, every day, day in and day out - they do better.

And the first key part of any plan is to prioritize what has to be done.  It's easy to be overwhelmed, trying to solve everything at once, to have it done all this month, when any huge complex task is really just a series of smaller bits that have to be performed in an order.  Having the plan, working the plan (and adjusting it when needed) does a lot to mitigate that overwhelmed feeling.  Putting first things first, and working that gets people to where they want to be.

Perfectly true!

This is the best advice you'll ever read.  Follow it.  Thanks, Tekla!  Couldn't have said it any better myself!   

[Megan]

Not all dreams come true.  How many people get off the bus or plane every single day in LA who are going to 'make it in movies' or 'be a rock star'?  How many really make it?  The old show-biz adage is/was "There is a bright light for every broken heart on Broadway" and that's a lot of lights.

So, who does make it?  Those that plan and work towards it instead of dreaming and hoping it just happens.  The people who are sitting at the Starbucks waiting to be 'discovered' sit for a long, long time, while those that get up early and hit every audition they can, every day, day in and day out - they do better.

And the first key part of any plan is to prioritize what has to be done.  It's easy to be overwhelmed, trying to solve everything at once, to have it done all this month, when any huge complex task is really just a series of smaller bits that have to be performed in an order.  Having the plan, working the plan (and adjusting it when needed) does a lot to mitigate that overwhelmed feeling.  Putting first things first, and working that gets people to where they want to be.

That's awesome...

[Alexmakenoise]

Not all dreams come true.  How many people get off the bus or plane every single day in LA who are going to 'make it in movies' or 'be a rock star'?  How many really make it?  The old show-biz adage is/was "There is a bright light for every broken heart on Broadway" and that's a lot of lights.

So, who does make it?  Those that plan and work towards it instead of dreaming and hoping it just happens.  The people who are sitting at the Starbucks waiting to be 'discovered' sit for a long, long time, while those that get up early and hit every audition they can, every day, day in and day out - they do better.

And the first key part of any plan is to prioritize what has to be done.  It's easy to be overwhelmed, trying to solve everything at once, to have it done all this month, when any huge complex task is really just a series of smaller bits that have to be performed in an order.  Having the plan, working the plan (and adjusting it when needed) does a lot to mitigate that overwhelmed feeling.  Putting first things first, and working that gets people to where they want to be.

I agree, but what if you don't know what all the steps are or what order to perform them in?

[Rock_chick]

Ask Helena, for example, whose elfin black and white Avatars have become something of a feature of this site. She is positively pretty and achieved a pretty well 100% pass on her first outing in female attire. I know because I was there! But at the time she could not see it for herself. At that point she still had the delusion that she looked male!!!

It be true, I was convinced that someone was going to leap out from behind a bush with a great big flashing neon arrow with the words "She's a man" written on it and point it at me. I did pretty much think that the only reason I passed that time was due to having a Cornish pixie sat on my shoulder blinding people with pixie dust. Sometimes it's hard to see what other people actually see because we're too busy focusing on the most minute of details.

They say the devil is in the details and yes she is and she's a heartless bitch to, so ignore her, take one step at a time and pretty soon all the steps add up and you won't be able to believe how far you've come.

This was me in august of last year...they're even the same pair of glasses that I'm wearing in my avatar. I even half seriously joked with my friend i was with about being a girl, but never in a million years would i have thought that i could look into a mirror and see the girl in my avatar. But I can and I'm slowly accepting that it's true.



Oh and you totally look like a girl i knew, even down to the ramones t-shirt.