Living in a twilight world between boy and girl

[Melody Maia]

Hey everyone on Susan's,
I haven't been posting as much for a bit. For a little while now, I have been feeling kinda unmotivated about my transition. I've been taking my hormones, letting my hair & nails grow, working out and going to trans center meetings, but not much else. Not a lot of experimenting with voice, makeup or clothes. I think this is mostly due to feeling discouraged at the prospect of ever passing because when I look in the mirror, I still see the boy. A boy that needs to lose a lot of weight at that. However, as I have read in others threads, we are the least qualified to judge how we appear to the outside world.

Recently, several things have started to perk my interest back up. My wife's therapist saw me for the first time the other day and then told her that he wasn't prepared for how "far along" I was. My therapist asked me if I was starting to get mam'ed yet and my wife tells me that when I walked into my son's basketball practice and joined her on the bench, a man in front of us did a double-take when we started to talk like a married couple. I don't think my body has changed very much at all due to HRT yet, but my softer features combined with longer hair with a more feminine style (not really long or girly yet) has allowed me to take a step into a more androgynous look. My wife and therapist both say I could be passable with the right clothes and makeup, but it has been so hard for me to believe. I am starting to believe.

These recent incidents though, as small and silly as they are, have given me hope. As Mrs. Erocse said we should all do in another thread, I need to be a bit easier on myself (thank you very much for that reminder Mrs. Erocse). Styling my hair last night, I started to get a hint of the woman peeking out. My marriage is ending soon and I will be moving out and the idea of RLE is not so abstract and far off anymore. This morning I awoke with a new sense of purpose. I think these last few weeks have been an interlude where I needed to get things sorted out in my head. Really believe that I am not just a woman on the inside, but that I will also be one on the outside. I need to take charge of this and push through to what I want and not be so afraid all the time. Nobody else can do it for me.

Onward and upward!

[Izumi]

Hey everyone on Susan's,
I haven't been posting as much for a bit. For a little while now, I have been feeling kinda unmotivated about my transition. I've been taking my hormones, letting my hair & nails grow, working out and going to trans center meetings, but not much else. Not a lot of experimenting with voice, makeup or clothes. I think this is mostly due to feeling discouraged at the prospect of ever passing because when I look in the mirror, I still see the boy. A boy that needs to lose a lot of weight at that. However, as I have read in others threads, we are the least qualified to judge how we appear to the outside world.

Recently, several things have started to perk my interest back up. My wife's therapist saw me for the first time the other day and then told her that he wasn't prepared for how "far along" I was. My therapist asked me if I was starting to get mam'ed yet and my wife tells me that when I walked into my son's basketball practice and joined her on the bench, a man in front of us did a double-take when we started to talk like a married couple. I don't think my body has changed very much at all due to HRT yet, but my softer features combined with longer hair with a more feminine style (not really long or girly yet) has allowed me to take a step into a more androgynous look. My wife and therapist both say I could be passable with the right clothes and makeup, but it has been so hard for me to believe. I am starting to believe.

These recent incidents though, as small and silly as they are, have given me hope. As Mrs. Erocse said we should all do in another thread, I need to be a bit easier on myself (thank you very much for that reminder Mrs. Erocse). Styling my hair last night, I started to get a hint of the woman peeking out. My marriage is ending soon and I will be moving out and the idea of RLE is not so abstract and far off anymore. This morning I awoke with a new sense of purpose. I think these last few weeks have been an interlude where I needed to get things sorted out in my head. Really believe that I am not just a woman on the inside, but that I will also be one on the outside. I need to take charge of this and push through to what I want and not be so afraid all the time. Nobody else can do it for me.

Onward and upward!

I was exactly like that when i started, HRT is painfully slow and you will never fully like what you see, you will always see things you want to fix, but thats true of most women GG or TS, but there will come a time you look in the mirror and go... huh... i look different today, wtf happened....   That is when your body and face starts looking more female then male, and it makes your day, then it just continues from there. 

In perspective i recently found a picture of myself, to give you an idea of what i was like before and after my transition.  You see i didnt think I would pass without major surgery, take a look if you like:

Before: (2005ish)
www.hawaiibd.com/U2.jpg

After (HRT almost 2 yrs)
www.hawaiibd.com/AC10.jpg

[Cruelladeville]

Tis a fabulous transition Izumi....

And just shows what hard effort, rigid discipline and determination can do for a dysphoric soul.... well done!!

(If that doesn't inspire a few peeps, who need help with focusing)

Not sure what else could?

Keep up the great work.....darlin.....

And enjoy the reward that brings....

[VeronikaFTH]

I was exactly like that when i started, HRT is painfully slow and you will never fully like what you see, you will always see things you want to fix, but thats true of most women GG or TS, but there will come a time you look in the mirror and go... huh... i look different today, wtf happened....   That is when your body and face starts looking more female then male, and it makes your day, then it just continues from there. 

In perspective i recently found a picture of myself, to give you an idea of what i was like before and after my transition.  You see i didnt think I would pass without major surgery, take a look if you like:

Before: (2005ish)
www.hawaiibd.com/U2.jpg

After (HRT almost 2 yrs)
www.hawaiibd.com/AC10.jpg

Wow Izumi what a difference... You look adorable.  It never ceases to amaze me how much HRT can work it's magic...

As for the OP... I felt the same way when I first started HRT. Yes, everyone else is correct in that we're poor judges of ourselves. Even now its hard for me to see the woman in the mirror sometimes...after two years on HRT, I get ma'amed even in guy mode, without especially trying to use a female voice. This is great, but I'm a tad concerned because I have to work in male mode for now (need the money).

Anyway, I think it's normal to feel stagnate sometimes. I tend to go in bursts, myself, I have good days and bad days just like anyone else....

[Colleen Ireland]

(If that doesn't inspire a few peeps, who need help with focusing)

Not sure what else could?

Wow Izumi what a difference... You look adorable.  It never ceases to amaze me how much HRT can work it's magic...

+1 on the above, although in fairness to Izumi, I'm sure the results had more to do with her hard work and determination - diet, exercise, rigid adherence to the plan - than just with HRT.  Well done, indeed!

@Melody:  I think of this period as my time in the cocoon.  At the moment I'm pre-crysalis.  Someday this caterpillar will emerge as a butterfly of some sort.  Maybe not a Monarch, but hopefully not a moth.  At any rate, not a caterpillar.  In fact, I wear a butterfly necklace most of the time, because I like the symbolism, and also it looks nice on me.  Take heart, you WILL get there.

[Melody Maia]

Izumi,
I have used your transformation as inspiration since the beginning for me. I looked something like your before photo when I started. It is amazing what you have been able to accomplish and I hope to follow in your footsteps. One thing though, I never see you smile in any of your photos. If I looked like you they would have to surgically remove my grin!

[Melody Maia]

It seems like my emotions fluctuate hour-to-hour. I get discouraged and then encouraged. My wife told me today that friends of ours that know I am transitioning mentioned to her yesterday that things are starting to get noticeable. For awhile, I was flying under the radar. In another month or two, people are going to start asking questions. However, in another month or two, I won't be living here anymore, so it won't matter. I am starting to look forward to my future as a single (almost) lady free to do what she needs to do to complete her transition.

[Lacey Lynne]

Melody, you WILL do just fine!

Focus on THE NEXT STEP.  Any major goal looks overwhelming at the outset and most especially so in the early and middle stages of its attainment.  By the way, I share your concerns.  Sometimes, I get so bummed out:  "I'm too old."  "I look like s--t!"  "I don't pass and never will!"   

Sometimes, I just want to flat-out give up, but I KNOW I cannot give up ... ever.  I take my HRT religiously, and it'll be for one year in exactly 7 days from today.  Worse yet, I planned to go full time in October.  Had to change jobs ... twice ... and stay in guy mode of necessity.  Knowing that I don't pass anyway, I said, "WTF, I'll be an androgyne ... sigh."   

Out in public at the mall, I certainly do get the looks ... from lots of people.  Guess something has happened, but I'll be damned if I know what it is.  Looks like other people can see what I cannot.  Well, that's certainly true for you too ... for all of us on here.  Who knew?  We're too close to our own situations to be able to tell, I believe. 

Izumi's transition is inspirational.  Her secret ingredients besides HRT and determination?  Well, I was not there with her to actually know, but I'd bet that a good diet and regular exercise had a lot to do with her success!  Never to late to start that regimen, girl!

Hang in there, hon!  I think you're gonna be a babe!        Lacey

[alexia elliot]

wow, this post could have been written by me as well. Mirror mirror on the wall is the girl or boy you reflecting for? Up and down nearly hourly, some good days and more bad days. Interests in pursuing feminine trivial things such as clothing and accessorizing diminished almost to non. Although feeling of femininity within has risen 100 fold, but the reflection in the mirror is the culprit of depressing moods and negative tendencies. I fail to see the girl, and even though I am repeatedly encouraged by my sis and therapist of beginning to show some serious fem in me, I fail at accepting the image as anything but a man. Lastly I have been officially labeled by my therapist a Transsexual, yet even though joyful and affirming, this event was, I felt as though this revelation suddenly felt more of a burden than release. Now, I must have my femininity emerge and come to the surface, no more maybes, but concrete immediate results. Well as you all know, life doesn't answer to such requests in turbo mode. Man, how tough does it have to get to finally be a woman?

[Melody Maia]

Thank you Lacey and Alexia. I would settle for convincingly female and reasonably attractive  Thanks for the vote of confidence though!

[Nero]

In perspective i recently found a picture of myself, to give you an idea of what i was like before and after my transition.  You see i didnt think I would pass without major surgery, take a look if you like:

Before: (2005ish)
www.hawaiibd.com/U2.jpg

After (HRT almost 2 yrs)
www.hawaiibd.com/AC10.jpg

Damn!  How did you do that? 

[sarahla]

Izumi:  I would not believe that the two people are the same.  The transition is remarkable.  Wow!


Melody:
I do not know the details of your marriage, but I am sorry.  Hopefully, it is for the best.  At least, you will be your true self and have someone who will love you, for you, all of you.

I understand how you feel about passing.  I also still see a boy (male), when looking in the mirror.  I especially see a boy, when I go out to eat and see women.  I feel more masculine than Arnold Schwartzenegger.  Yet, I understand that I am changing, slowly but surely.  I do get people using male pronouns, but I get female ones too.  At the temple where I go, I asked about joining the women's club and nobody batted an eye and everyone calls me by female pronouns.  Okay, this one kid a few weeks ago, about 5 or 6, stopped me and asked if I was a girl or a boy.  I did not know what to say, so I obfuscated.  It is happening.

What I am realizing is that yes, I am not female looking yet, but the real transition is that in my head and that takes time.  Being a female was always this dream, not a reality.  "Believing" is what takes time.  Then again, seeing a penis, male pattern baldness, deep voice, male forehead, and narrow hips does not help matters.

You will do fine.  You are on hormones and they will and do have an impact.

Congratulations Melody!

[Izumi]

Damn!  How did you do that? 

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain ....

heh, actually i just worked my ass off for 2 years doing every little thing to improve my appearance short of surgery..  rigid diet, rigid exercise schedule focusing on improving the look of female secondary sex characteristics, corset training, HRT without missing a pill/shot, wax, laser/electro, and so on and so on.

I think a lot of people just go on HRT and not do anything else, a healthy body reacts better to HRT then one that isnt.  I was 100% focused on my transition, when i was short on money, i even ate instant ramen just so i could afford my HRT shot.  No matter how tough or discouraged i got, i wanted to see it to the end.  I didnt want my transition to fail just because i didnt give it my all.  Even now i dont slack at all, i am working 2 jobs (full time) to pay for SRS and still maintain my diet and exercise schedule.  So now it looks like i will have my surgery in july 2011.  After that i can relax a bit... 

[Izumi]

Izumi,
I have used your transformation as inspiration since the beginning for me. I looked something like your before photo when I started. It is amazing what you have been able to accomplish and I hope to follow in your footsteps. One thing though, I never see you smile in any of your photos. If I looked like you they would have to surgically remove my grin!

Smile photo:

www.hawaiibd.com/AC9.jpg

[Glenn]

I have to say that all of you have accomplished a great deal.  Izumi you look fantastic. sarahla you look very good as well. I only hope that with hard work I can accomplish the same as most of you have.

You all seem beautiful to me.  Inside and out.

Hugs Simone Wales.

[sarahla]

Thanks Simone Wales, but the compliments belong to Izumi, who looks fabulous and nothing like her 2005 photo.

Although the photo has no retouching of any kind, uses my webcam, and I have absolutely no makeup by any stretch of the imagination on, the photo somehow makes me look more feminine than in real life.  The photo hides my lack of hair and the smallness of the photo makes my forehead look okay.

I am further behind than Izumi, but I never miss an electrology session and have religiously kept up the laser sessions in the past.  I will restart that hopefully next year.  I keep working on my voice, which is free and does not cost a cent, practice styling my hair, etc. etc.  I am trying to also eat healthy eating salads, soups, and trying to cutdown on bread stuff.

Exercise is a bit harder, but I talked myself into going to the gym at least once a week.

Becoming a female is hard work and not a cheap endeavor.  The hard work is not letting society get you down.

You will get there too.  Hopefully, we all will.  It just takes patience.

I can tell you gals (and guys, if you are here), I am looking forward to not hearing "boy" anymore one day hurled at me.

[Gwenhyvar]

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain ....

heh, actually i just worked my ass off for 2 years doing every little thing to improve my appearance short of surgery..  rigid diet, rigid exercise schedule focusing on improving the look of female secondary sex characteristics, corset training, HRT without missing a pill/shot, wax, laser/electro, and so on and so on.

I think a lot of people just go on HRT and not do anything else, a healthy body reacts better to HRT then one that isnt.  I was 100% focused on my transition, when i was short on money, i even ate instant ramen just so i could afford my HRT shot.  No matter how tough or discouraged i got, i wanted to see it to the end.  I didnt want my transition to fail just because i didnt give it my all.  Even now i dont slack at all, i am working 2 jobs (full time) to pay for SRS and still maintain my diet and exercise schedule.  So now it looks like i will have my surgery in july 2011.  After that i can relax a bit...

Hi Izumi,

I think you're absolutely correct... I didn't really realize it, but I believe I've been looking at HRT as a holy grail or panacea that would magically turn me into a mostly passable female, with FFS adding the finishing touches.  Your change is an inspiration, TRULY, but to hear how much actual work it took to get there is what I really needed to hear.

I am a fundamentally lazy person, so the real question is 'How badly do I need this? Enough to get off my lazy buttocks and work for it?'. The key word is need... and the answer is now obvious. Yes.

-Gwen