It's been a while since I've logged on to this site, and it stems from a couple of reasons. Firstly, I ran out of time, for a while I was working three jobs, with different degrees of being paid, and employment has been turbulent during and since. Secondly, the site has been extremely helpful for me, finding people opening themselves to strangers for help and to help one another, and because of that I've learned more about what I'm going through and how I see myself. So I needed time to step away from the on-line realm and live for a while with what I've taken.
Now I come back with a long extensive post. It's long because it's a huge decision for me, and two because I feel the need to make myself as clear as possible. Please excuse my gigantic post.
I've been living in Chicago for a little over four years for college. I've graduated this summer, and the "openess" of being transgendered is different from a closed off educational atmosphere in an art school, and for lack of a better word "the real world." And I need to start figuring out how I'll live.
During college, I lived a lie by tellipng my arents one thing while doing another. I compromised by trying to do what I wanted while making half-hearted attempts to also appease my parents wants, without actually communicating with them, in my mind so that I would not have to confront the issue and then possibly make things worse. It made me extremely resentful of my own weakness and my parents, and regretful of wasted time at a very expensive school and time I would never have back. In the couple days I've been back for a holiday vacation I have decided I will start the coming out process to my father, my mother is not yet ready to hear what I have to say, and I will wait. But a couple anxieties strike me.
When I was in high school, I was "outed" for being bisexual. It was a very traumatic experience and was really an attack from my peers and some people I thought I could trust, I still haven't fully recovered from it. We don't talk about this, at all. This is an emotional barrier I'm having a hard time getting over.
Another is cultural. During college my friends pretty much fell into two categories: Korean, and not Korean. Though they sometimes intermingled, there was an obvious difference of thought. My "not-straight" non-Korean friends had one outlook in life, and it was do what you want for yourself, that is being true to yourself and that's what's important. A bit of an exaggeration, but that's what it came down to none the less. My "not-straight" Korean friends on the other hand said, I will try my best to have my parents come to terms with what I am, but in the end I am "the only child" or "the eldest son" or "add situation here" and I can't "break their hearts" or "force them to do that" or some variation of "yeah, it's a hard choice to make, but that's life, you make do with the hand dealt." Once again, simplifying the matter greatly, but that's the gist.
So where does that put me? I found out I don't have it in me to just "do what's right by me" no matter what, but nor can I pretend to be what I'm not and put on a happy lie. I'm wondering how much do I tell my father, and how much can I ask of him. I've always been "daddy's little girl" in his mind, and I know he will say outwardly "I want you to be happy," but the true is far more complicated. He wants me to achieve all my dreams and be successful in a world that is vicious and competitive, both corporate and/or art world which I plan to engage in. He knows the hardship of being a minority in the corporate world, how much worse will it be for a trans Asian man.
How do I tell him "I want to be a man like you" without it breaking his heart?
