Scared of coming out and Lost...

[otransist]

I have been reading the posts and they are wonderful. I have been very scared of coming out for two reasons. 1. I just got out of the US Army after 3 years and 2. All my friends are still in the US Army. I have been going crazy thinking about what to do! These are my friends I went overseas with, they are like my family but I know they won't understand. I have been so scared of telling my closest friends that I have thought of moving away and severing all ties with them. I want to see a therapist but in a military town I still have some fear.

I know they don't suspect anything (well at least I think). My idea: Move away and start a new life. Call them later, explain and hope they will understand? 

[Janet_Girl]

Hi otransist,

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First, Thank You for your service and May the gods bless.  As for your friends.  You spent time together, in a life or death situation.  They most likely would not understand, but they probable would support you.  You need to decide if you can just vanish.  I would tell them you need to work on somethings and move.  You could also drop a line to let them know you are still alive and doing well.

Then later you could explain things to them.

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[spacial]

It would be a shame to just vanish. They are your friends and deserve better.

But since they are your friends, they also deserve to know. If they don't like it, then they are welcome to find other friends.

[otransist]

I know they are my friends and they deserve to know. That is the hard part, that they are my friends. In the military it is not acceptable to come out. I know I am out of the military now and I know I should be happy. Vanishing on my friends who I considered family for several years is hard. If they didn't understand I would accept it but it would still break my heart.

I appreciate all the advice, I really do. Is there any former military that have come out?
Thanks.

[otransist]

When out with two of my friends today to look at new cars. Let me tell you, he is good looking. Okay enough of that.

We started speaking about the military ban and how it might get lifted! Yeah! He told me if they wanted to fight just like everyone else he didn't have a problem with that! Yeah! He is probably the sensible one out of my friends. I think if I feel comfortable telling him than it will be okay.

Coming over the house you would think a woman lives here to begin with. I feel so relieved in a way. It's like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders!! Even though I am not out it feels good to know how he feels.

O.Transist

[spacial]

One thing. My personal experience is that, when males find out thir first thought is often, 'Does this man he fancies me?'

To be frank, I think that is the biggest problem most men have with gay or transgender.

I suggest you ebar that in mind and make it clear you're not after any relationships right now.

[otransist]

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I need to keep that in mind... 

I have tried to tell myself in the past that I would never date a friend once I came out. Telling myself and doing it is going to be difficult. For now, I just have to think....

O.Transist

[Cindy]

Hi otransist,

Although I'n not an American, and I presume you were in the USA military, I would also like to thank you for your service to hopefully keep the world safe for all. I have grave issues with the politicians but not with those who follow the orders.

I know there are several ex-military MtF at Susan's and maybe some will respond.

I suppose the question is one of trust. In the military I presume again that you and your friends totally trust each other with your lives. You would never willingly let then down, or them you. If we play the number game about 10% of males are homosexual. There is no real reason to suggest a bias in military service.  I'm not sure of the frequency of TG people but I think it is slightly lower, but around the 5-10% mark.  So there are probably people among your friends who are either gay or TG.

Males seem to have more problems accepting TG MtF than females. I think because we frighten them, male sexuality seems to be quite fragile. But so far I have had none of my male friends not accept me. Ok I haven't had any asking for a date , but no one has been rude to me and they treat me as a woman at parties etc.

I think disappearing would be quite rude to the comrades who love and supported you. Maybe when you move on in life you can write too them and explain. That way they have a choice, and a private choice.

I have come out to most of my male friends by showing them a picture of Cindy, and explaining who she is, me, and taking it from there. Some of them thought they would meet a bloke in a dress. I can assure you I do not present as a bloke in a dress.

Good luck for the future and keep posting

Cindy

[lilacwoman]

Lots of people transition once out of the military and everyone understands that going in military is one way to fight the feeling of being TS.

On the other hand there is a sizeable movement centred on the Rocky Mountains of ex military crossdressers who woudl be best kept away from.

I'll try find a link to them

[spacial]

Thank you for the wonderful advice. I need to keep that in mind... 

I have tried to tell myself in the past that I would never date a friend once I came out. Telling myself and doing it is going to be difficult. For now, I just have to think....

O.Transist

The dating issue is a bit more subtle in my opinion.

Backing up Cindy's perspective, I went to an all boys boarding school where, like the military, there was a need for absolute trust. If you thought there was a chance that another boy might try to come onto you, that would completely disturb the whole relationship.

I was gay then of course, (transgender in fact, but I didn't understand the issues), but I would have reacted in much the same way to someone else being overtly gay as anyone. I may be gay, but that doesn't mean I'm a desperate whore who will jump into bed with any man.

Now you're out of the military structure. You come out to your friends. If, by some chance, one says he actually likes you and you like him then why not?

The point I was attempting to make though is that, to men especially, suddenly announcing you're gay or transgender may be seen as an open invitation. Which as you know, it is not.

[Renate]

This is a fun novel that you might like.
I won't ruin it by saying anything about it.

Trans-Sister Radio: A Novel (2000) - Christopher A. Bohjalian * Amazon * WorldCat

[otransist]

Thank you for all the wonderful comments.
I have been trying to figure this our for a couple of days now and realized that I have time. I am just rushing into this too much. As much as I want it to happen now, I have to make sure I am coming out in a good time.

The holidays always get me down..

[otransist]

My overdue update: I have been visiting family for the holidays and friends from back home before the military. I now have  a chance to post something useful, Yeah!

Since my last post my hair has gotten longer, I have new clothes (a bit more on the feminine side) and I have decided to act like myself. It is a wonderful feeling!! I haven't come out yet but I am just being myself now.

I think my friend Adam, who I think is good looking is suspicious.  He doesn't do anything out of the ordinary but he likes to go out more often than usual. He is still in the Army so I think he is keeping his distance. I am keeping my distance for his safety but I will still be there for him. Next month I start going to see a therapist. I want to try and do this the right way so this is my first step. Wish me luck!

[spacial]

Thanks for the update otransist.

Sounds like a good plan. Hoping to hear what happens next.

[Diane Elizabeth]

      As one that retired from the Army 17 years ago.  I understand the stgyma with which you are talking about.  I spent 20 years in and was fearful of being known to have gone to a therapist.  Hence I buried me with family and Army life.  Friends that I made in the military are fond memories.  None have stayed in touch and the ones I can track down we were merely  acquaintances.   The DADT and the TG/CD issues are very sensitive.  Since you are out of the military you are free to move on at your own speed to transition.  Those that were your friends will stay your friends when they find out.  And those that were your friends before and choose not to remain friends are no friends at all.  Just acquaintenances meeting briefing before passing on to other phases of their/ your lives.    Good luck with your endevour and please keep us all posted on how well all goes for you.

[otransist]

Well I have finally come out to my friend Adam! We had a late night last night watching a soccer game and decided to get Chick Fil A on the way home. We got home, turned on the television and then I told him "I have to tell you something". Of course he asked what and I told him that I am going to see a therapist. He though it was for PTSD and started talking about all of our friends. I told him "Gender Therapist". Silence..... He looked at me funny for about a minute. It was so awkward for about a minute but seemed like a lifetime! He started to explain to me that he always had his this feeling that I was but didn't want to say anything. He made a reference about how I was the guy that never took the Hustler magazine when we were deployed.

I cannot begin to tell you how relieved I am about this! I am so happy! I didn't tell him that I liked him yet and I probably never will because I don't want to lose his friendship. He is such a great friend and he dates women too. Wow! I actually told somebody that want to be a girl! This is the funniest feeling I have ever had but I also feel really happy about this. I know some may not understand but it feels like the first day I jumped from a plane in Airborne school. After he left it was a rush of excitement in the house, I sat on the couch with a big smile.

Thank you for all the support I appreciate all of this.
O.Transist

[japple]

My idea: Move away and start a new life. Call them later, explain and hope they will understand?

I don't think this is a bad idea.  Especially being in a military town in the south. That's going to really color your transition...and actually might not be safe.  Go somewhere exciting and be yourself. 

[Lee]

I'm glad to hear things went well.

[spacial]

That is a positive start and thank you so much for the update.

[Cindy]

Great news, I'm so glad he took it well.  Now be careful, because when I came out I found it so 'cleansing' that I almost stopped people in the street to tell them

Hugs

Cindy