What if I am not Transsexual?

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

I hate to get into a state of mind that opens me up to denial, but I can't help wondering all the time, what if I am not transsexual? I mean, what does that make me? I am sure I would not think such thoughts if I had ever been officially diagnosed with GID.

The problem is, there are many things about me that don't fit the puzzle. I don't hate my penis. I have been sexually aroused from crossdressing, although that was back in puberty. I married and had children. I enjoyed sex with women.There were times when I masturbated or had sex 2-6 times a day, everyday for years on end. I am not attracted to men, but enjoy being penetrated.

The other side of the coin is that since I was nine years old and found out what a transsexual was, I have felt I was one. I have always longed to be a girl. I used to pray to be a girl. I used to lay awake at nights wishing I would wake up a girl and this was all just a bad dream. Never have I not wanted to be a girl.

I don't know what to think. I have been living full time as a woman for two and  a half years now.  I would never go back to living as a man. I really would rather be dead that have to do that. But because I don't have the means to transition, I also don't have a burning desire. It would be like building myself up for nothing. I have considered going ahead and changing my name, but being so far from transition, that could turn into a nightmare in and of itself.

I recently read an article written by a gender therapist that said that 52% of transsexuals never have SRS for one reason or another but that is not how it is determined if someone is transsexual. I guess the reason all this is important is because I do want to transition, but before this year I never really honestly considered it, because I thought I could not because of my health. It was not until I actually had a heart attack that I found out I can transition, even though I have high blood pressure and had a heart attack.

I am worried that when the time comes, when I am done with college and go back to work, that I might be turned down for transition. I am not sure what to do or to think. And it stresses me out.

Your thoughts?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Hazumu]

Hi, Elizabeth;

I've heard that the distinction (or label, if you prefer,) is that a transgender is someone who wishes to present externally as 'the opposite' of their birth-sex, but has no desire to undergo SRS.  Usually, hormone therapy itself is sufficient.  Here where I work, the trans-woman who retired last year describes herself as transgender.  She decided she really didn't want SRS, but is on hormones and has legally changed her name and gender on her drivers' license (she had an 'ambidextrous' name she feminized through spelling.)

You shouldn't confuse sexual orientation with gender identification.  Although in greater than 90% of the population there's a correlation between body sex, gender identity and sexual preference/orientation, variations from that norm do occur.  Imagine being a transsexual female who's attracted -- not to straight males, but to gay males.  With very rare exception, the gay males don't want to have anything to do with her, because she lacks the equipment they desire.  But, I believe there are G-girls who are also attracted to gay males, and with similar results.

As to the arousal/tumescence you describe, people for the most part think it's only sexual arousal that produces the effect.  For years I've experienced this 'effect', if you will, in non-sexual settings (such as listening to/playing music, editing video, performing well at listening to and speaking Japanese,) and with no accompanying urge to engage in sexual behaviour.  At first, I stressed over the episodes -- "I've a fetish for What???", but  I've concluded that the mechanism that produces physical arousal is part of some larger mechanism that lets you know when some activity is good, and what I'm experiencing is some sort of unexpected 'crosstalk' or 'leakage' over events that produce a strong 'this is really GOOD!' reaction in me.  For instance, it's a great 'indicator' when I'm editing video that I'm really on the right track.  And, realizing this aspect, I'm no longer concerned when things are clicking, and I'm getting ma'amed left, right and center and I'm now in danger of er-- uhm-- ...you know... 

Being transsexual or transgendered is largely self-diagnosed, with a good therapist getting you to honestly explore your feelings in a non-judgemental setting, and asking you to consider if, for instance, you're REALLY avoiding acknowledging you're gay (gender identification: male | sexual orientation: same sex/gender).

I'd say if your gender identification is that of the opposite of your body sex, you're transsexual.  Sexual orientation is a separate issue.  The goal is to become the TRUE YOU, whatever it may be, and irrespective of society's norms/expectations.

I hope this gives you a new perspective from which to consider your own personal unique situation.  And everyone gets their own personal unique situation, although the majority end up strongly resembling each other.  Cherish/celebrate your uniqueness!

Karen

[Susan]

I've heard that the distinction (or label, if you prefer,) is that a transgender is someone who wishes to present externally as 'the opposite' of their birth-sex, but has no desire to undergo SRS.  Usually, hormone therapy itself is sufficient.  Here where I work, the trans-woman who retired last year describes herself as transgender.  She decided she really didn't want SRS, but is on hormones and has legally changed her name and gender on her drivers' license (she had an 'ambidextrous' name she feminized through spelling.)

Each person defines things in their own way. For me and the purposes of this site transgender is an umbrella term combining into one group ->-bleeped-<-s, Crossdressers, Intersexuals, Androgynes, and Transsexuals. We are the crossroads of Gender. It has nothing to do with Transitition or SRS.

What if I am not transsexual? I mean, what does that make me? I am sure I would not think such thoughts if I had ever been officially diagnosed with GID.

The problem is, there are many things about me that don't fit the puzzle. I don't hate my penis. I have been sexually aroused from crossdressing, although that was back in puberty. I married and had children. I enjoyed sex with women.There were times when I masturbated or had sex 2-6 times a day, everyday for years on end. I am not attracted to men, but enjoy being penetrated.

If that is how you truely feel then you simply are not a transsexual. You are the only person who can truly know what you are or aren't.  It's not the end of the world. It doesn't make you a freak. We still welcome you in the community here at Susan's.

But the most important thing of all is be yourself. Don't try to force yourself into a mold that you feel doesn't and never will fit you.

[Stormy Weather]

...Dr. Russell Reid, a psychiatrist who treats an average of four TS persons daily.

Tinks, I'm just going to pedantically point out that Russell Reid retired earlier this year and is currently undergoing a disciplinary hearing by the General Medical Council.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/theissues/article/0,,1936653,00.html


Elizabeth: Labels tell us nothing about people... if you've been living full-time for over 2 years, then you have effectively transitioned. The rest is a formality... And if you have health problems that may prevent certain treatments, then there are other ways around that.

Not one therapist or psychiatrist ever said to me: you're a transsexual. They never put a label on any of my behaviour at all... the fact that I was actively pursuing surgery was a definition of goals, not a diagnosis. In my experience, treatment is tailored to the individual and it sounds to me that you'll have no problems at all.

One of the most difficult things to do in life is to avoid comparing yourself to others, and each and every one of us makes their own way through this maze in a different way, but these paths all lead to the same goal: being at ease with yourself.

I understand that you're worried but easing those worries comes from doing. You might just surprise yourself.

[Elizabeth]

WOW!!!!!!

That was some really great stuff. Personally, I have always believed I was transsexual.  I have never wanted to be a boy or a man. It was always a character I played. The doubts I have had, have come from things I have read that tend to stereotype transsexuals.

I want to transition. I always have. I just never thought I could until recently, so I have never really tried to make a plan to make it happen. It appears to me that we tell the therapists we are transsexual, not the other way around, that is why I have always felt comfortable calling myself a transsexual.

While I don't hate my penis, I also don't really have a need for it either. It's more like I use it because it's there and it feels good. The whole thing with my sexuality is what was really confusing me, but the stuff that Tinkerbell put in her post really put that into perspective for me. This is what was causing me the most distress.

I don't need a vagina to have sex with, I need a vagina so I will feel complete. While I don't hate my penis specifically, I hate having a male body in general. I have to practically force myself to shower each day because I hate being nude. I wonder if any of you have similar feelings?  I wear my breastforms 24/7 and keep them glued on so they remain my body temperature. They also change my center of gravity and posture. I feel strange when I don't have them on. One of the things that is really important to me, is having real breasts. But also, it almost panicks me if my penis becomes untucked and I can feel it when I walk or sit. Wherever I am, I immediately go to the restroom to fix this.

I guess I am just in this weird stage. When I went full time I thought I was non-op. I emotionally prepared myself for the fact that I would never be able to take hormones or transition. I would have to have breast augmentation, laser hair removal, hair implants on my head and that was probably the best I was going to be able to do. It was hard to choke this down, but I accepted it because anything else would have been setting myself up to be unhappy.

However, when I discussed it with my heart surgeon, he told me as long as he was in communication with my endocrinologist and could make sure my blood pressure remained stable, I was at no greater risk than anyone else. That was April of this year. After that meeting with my doctor, I discussed it with my wife and told her that I was going to have to decide what I was going to do, as I had never really considered transitioning.

Although, I personally have always wanted to transition, I wanted to really weigh the pros and cons. Since I am attracted to girls, did I really need a vagina? My wife was the first to call it. She told me that I needed to stop hemming and hahing, it was obvious I needed to transition. I asked her how she felt about how it would affect our sex life and she said that realistically it just is not that big of a part of our sex life and just as she accomidated me with a sex toy, I could do the same for her when she really needed it. I had told her from day one that if there was ever a way I could transition, I probably would. From her point of view, she always assumed I would transition. She told me that she don't believe I will ever truly be content unless I transition. I also beleive that.

So after that, I have made a tenative plan to transition. But it is six years away at the earliest. This is because I am disabled and live on Social Security. So before I can do anything, I have to finish college and get back to work. I can scrape together enough money to see a gender therapist this spring and get on hormones, but being six years away, I am worried that my penis and scrotum will shrink so much in six years that there won't be enough to make a vagina. While my penis is average while erect, it is very small when flaccid. I also am concerned about changing my name when my gender marker change is at least six years away. This could cause me problems getting into grad school, getting my student aid, and having a hassle with Social Security getting my disability renewed when it is looked at again in 2008.

So? following my plan makes me feel like I am not doing enough, but I just don't know what else I can do. Not having the urgency I see in other transsexuals only causes me more distress and makes me feel inferior. I know it's lame, but I still feel that way at times.

Anyways, thanks for your words, they really do help and I welcome any other thoughts and views.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Steph]

Hi everyone,

I hate to get into a state of mind that opens me up to denial, but I can't help wondering all the time, what if I am not transsexual? I mean, what does that make me? I am sure I would not think such thoughts if I had ever been officially diagnosed with GID.

What does that make you... How about a normal human being who is going through a bit of turmoil dealing with who or what they are.  It doesn't matter what a person has been diagnosed with either as there would always be a little self doubt, it's normal.

The problem is, there are many things about me that don't fit the puzzle. I don't hate my penis. I have been sexually aroused from crossdressing, although that was back in puberty. I married and had children. I enjoyed sex with women.There were times when I masturbated or had sex 2-6 times a day, everyday for years on end. I am not attracted to men, but enjoy being penetrated.

This is not a problem Elizabeth.  Many folks find themselves in the same situation, and I would go out on a limb here and say that there are more people out there that do what you do but would never admit to it.

The other side of the coin is that since I was nine years old and found out what a transsexual was, I have felt I was one. I have always longed to be a girl. I used to pray to be a girl. I used to lay awake at nights wishing I would wake up a girl and this was all just a bad dream. Never have I not wanted to be a girl.

Still this does not make you TS.  You said that "since you found out what a TS was that you felt you were one", but normally a person would suffer the symptoms and then find out out the diagnosis.  It is possible that you found a diagnosis and then developed the symptoms, so to speak.

I don't know what to think. I have been living full time as a woman for two and  a half years now.  I would never go back to living as a man. I really would rather be dead that have to do that. But because I don't have the means to transition, I also don't have a burning desire. It would be like building myself up for nothing. I have considered going ahead and changing my name, but being so far from transition, that could turn into a nightmare in and of itself.

So you live as a woman 24/7/365 in every thing you do from work to home life, socially, financially and all in between - No you haven't - you haven't changed your name.

I recently read an article written by a gender therapist that said that 52% of transsexuals never have SRS for one reason or another but that is not how it is determined if someone is transsexual. I guess the reason all this is important is because I do want to transition, but before this year I never really honestly considered it, because I thought I could not because of my health. It was not until I actually had a heart attack that I found out I can transition, even though I have high blood pressure and had a heart attack.

It would be interesting to read that article Elizabeth if you have it handy.  To me, based on this statement, it seems as though you are looking for reasons not to transition.  SRS is a surgical procedure, plain and simple, and just as with any other surgical procedure you should be in relatively good health.  However that being said it is up to the surgeons to determine if you are in fact healthy enough to have it.  And surgery would only be recommended with a diagnosis of GID.

I am worried that when the time comes, when I am done with college and go back to work, that I might be turned down for transition. I am not sure what to do or to think. And it stresses me out.

But you have to ask yourself why would that stress you out.  If you are under the care of a competent gender therapist and that person determines that you are not GID, then you must be something else and that would be revealed through therapy.

Your thoughts?

Love always,
Elizabeth

I think that it's safe to say that we have all gone through what you are experiencing.  The information provided here at Susan's I hope will help in that determination, but it should never be used in place of competent medical advice.  I would also like to put forth that there are many, many members of the TG community who read the available information on the web and arrive at a self diagnosis of being TS and go from there.  Just because a person wants to be a woman, or wished they were a woman, does not make them TS.

We often hear, and I used to profess this myself, that we are in the best position to determine who and what we are, but one only has to scour the web including Susan's, and you will quickly see that there is such confusion out there that one should realize that self diagnosis is fraught with dangers and pitfalls.  Often folks get caught up with the fact that it's very vogue to be TS right now, we're the flavour of the month so to speak, there is more publicity about being TS that there has ever been before and more and more TS are being portrayed and talked about in the media.

I think that I have said this before and I'll say it again, but the people in the best position to help and diagnose are gender therapists.  Too often I see folks pull out the SOC read through them and based on this determine for them selves that "Hey! I must be TS", and immediately start making life changing decisions.

A lot of words, I know, but it's just my thoughts, and you did ask for our thoughts

Steph

[Elizabeth]

Steph,

Thanks for your comments and thoughts. I agree with much of what you have said. Just thinking I am TS, does not make me one. When I was nine I read a story in Readers Digest about a man trapped in a woman's body. The things he described feeling, matched what I felt. I always knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. From that point on, I have always beleived I was TS. I know my road leads to a Gender therapist to help me wade through all of this. I also know that people like you and others here are my greatest source of information. No one knows better than real transsexuals. I appreciate your words, but as you know, I am going to have to have the help of a professional, at this point. I see no other choice. My beleif that I am TS does not mean I am and changing that beleif will not mean I am not. I beleive I am a girl, but who knows, perhaps it's just depression or some other mental disorder. In any event, thanks.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Melissa]

Often folks get caught up with the fact that it's very vogue to be TS right now, we're the flavour of the month so to speak, there is more publicity about being TS that there has ever been before and more and more TS are being portrayed and talked about in the media.

Interestingly enough, I never paid attention to the media and I had heard of a transsexual as a man who changes their sex to be a woman.  It actually seemed like all the media started coming out AFTER I was already prepared to transition.  Anyways, I have had 2 professionals agree I was TS and ALL the steps I have taken in transitioning thus far have had a profoundly positive effect on me.

Elizabeth, I agree that seeing a therapist and questioning everything along the way (such as you're doing now) is definitely a good approach.  I think constant self evaluation is very important.

Melissa

[Kate]

The problem is, there are many things about me that don't fit the puzzle. I don't hate my penis. I have been sexually aroused from crossdressing, although that was back in puberty. I married and had children. I enjoyed sex with women.There were times when I masturbated or had sex 2-6 times a day, everyday for years on end. I am not attracted to men, but enjoy being penetrated.

If that is how you truely feel then you simply are not a transsexual.

Which item(s) in the above list disqualifies her as being a transsexual?

[cindianna_jones]

Coming to terms with yourself is the most arduous and difficult part of all of this. Ultimately, you will decide who you are and where you want to go.  Don't worry about the labels.  Call yourself an Elizabeth.  

Cindi

[Susan]

The problem is, there are many things about me that don't fit the puzzle. I don't hate my penis. I have been sexually aroused from crossdressing, although that was back in puberty. I married and had children. I enjoyed sex with women.There were times when I masturbated or had sex 2-6 times a day, everyday for years on end. I am not attracted to men, but enjoy being penetrated.

If that is how you truely feel then you simply are not a transsexual.

Which item(s) in the above list disqualifies her as being a transsexual?

My statement is based not on her list of things but her statement which you left out.....

I hate to get into a state of mind that opens me up to denial, but I can't help wondering all the time, what if I am not transsexual? I mean, what does that make me? I am sure I would not think such thoughts if I had ever been officially diagnosed with GID.

She is the only person who can say if she is or is not a transsexual. If she feels that she is not a transsexual then she is not one. It means nothing more than that.

[umop ap!sdn]

Elizabeth, if it's any consolation all but one of the things you say don't fit are also true of me and I'm now happily 7 months HRT and almost 2 months RLT so they certanly don't disqualify you. (Only difference is I really dislike my awful thing.)

I also sometimes get feelings of being aroused and/or the physiological effect associated with it (to me they don't usually go hand in hand though) when truedressing. It was even more frequent at first and there were times when I would go for days trying desperately to relieve the desires (HRT has thankfully put an end to that). But you know what, I've heard that many GGs are aroused by certain clothes so I don't let it bother me.

I also have wondered what if I'm not TS. Given how important it is to be absolutely sure, and having read horror stories of patients who suddenly lost interest in being female, it was a big concern of mine for a long time. But, I'm a programmer, so being thorough and allowing for every possibility is a habit I've gotten into. What keeps me going now is how much I hated having a completely male body and how it makes me physically ill to look at pictures of me that were taken a few years ago.

[Melissa]

But you know what, I've heard that many GGs are aroused by certain clothes so I don't let it bother me.

Oh really??   That's very interesting to know.

Melissa

[Teri Anne]

Hi Elizabeth,

You wrote:
"I am worried that when the time comes, when I am done with college and go back to work, that I might be turned down for transition."

Being a former English major, I get particular about what words people use.  To me, in the above sentence, you are REALLY asking "...that I might be turned down for the SRS operation."

To me, as many have said before, you've ALREADY done the heavy lifting as far as "transition."  You're already doing RLT 24/7. 

You asked if others found discomfort in the shower.  That was my CHIEF reason for the SRS.  I couldn't stand looking at that thing on my body.  When you put on clothes, no one knows but me that I DID IT, but it's still very important to me in making me feel WHOLE (no pun intended).

As to your questioning whether you are or aren't a TS, I would say that you would be crazy if you DIDN'T question whether it was a rational logical correct choice for yourself.  I don't really understand people who believe things (like organized religion) on faith.  Unfortunately, there is not, at this time, PROOF we can prove to others what we are inside...with time and scientific research, that will come.  In the meantime, as others have suggested, we each have to choose our own path.  I didn't need a therapist to verify I was a transsexual but I know that they can be a big help in the search inside ourselves.  The biggest help my therapist had was in calming me when I did the RLT (I felt people were staring at me).  You're already over that hump.  Is there clear sailing ahead?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  It's a tough road due mainly to societal bigotry rather than moments in our own self-doubt.  I had no doubt in myself and my choice but society does, from time to time, still make me uncomfortable whenever I hear of bigotry.

I wish you happiness in whatever road you choose.

Hugs, Teri Anne

[Julie Marie]

Elizabeth, probably more than anyone here, you've seen me question who I am more than I care to admit.  The outside world has a label for me and it's called transsexual, ->-bleeped-<-, crossdresser, pervert, sicko....  and a whole lot of other things.  But that's because they can't see inside me. 

What I know about myself is I'm happy living as a woman and miserable living as a man.  That tells me all I need to know. 

Another label that may be used to describe me would be transsexual lesbian.  I'm attracted to the female form.  That's just another ingredient making up who I am.  The idea we all have to be heterosexual within our identified gender is just as silly as saying gays and lesbians should all be heterosexual.

We can beat ourselves up with trying to find the right label that fits us but one doesn't exist, for anyone.  And that's because we're all unique.  Labels were created to control people.  I won't tolerate being controlled.

You are who you are Elizabeth, a warm, kind, caring person.  That's all that matters.

Julie

[Stormy Weather]

Not one therapist or psychiatrist ever said to me: you're a transsexual.

No?  They did to me, and the diagnosis is even listed under my psychiatric records
(Yes, I have a copy ). I agree with the fact that transsexualism is a self-diagnosed medical condition; however, a gender therapist/psychiatrist has to rule out the possibility of other psychiatric illnesses before someone can be diagnosed with transsexualism and recommended for HRT.  I don't really know if things work the same in other countries but here in the US, a gender therapist/psyhiatrist has to make a diagnosis of GID/transsexualism before hormones can be prescribed.

I have no doubt that my diagnosis is in writing in my records but no-one uttered the words to me. Basically, it went like this over the years for hormones and surgery:

Me: I want this... I need this because I think — in fact, I'm sure — I am like this.
Them: Well, prove it then. This is what we want you to do.
Me: OK then, I'll do it. And I'll be back...
Them: Good to see things have moved on. Here's what you wanted and asked for.

As it were... 

Fixed quote tags - Steph

[HelenW]

Elizabeth,

The points of doubt that you raised all exist in my experience too.  I was/am married, I have two sons, I enjoyed sex with women and they still make my heart flutter.  I don't hate my gentals.  (I am more and more annoyed at their damnable inappropriateness though.)

I was also very doubtful that I'd be able to get HRT because I'm diabetic.

Now, after almost 4 months of HRT - I was wrong about my physical limitations - I know that I'm doing the right thing.  My first months of HRT were designed to be at a low enough dose to make changes that would be uncomfortable for a non-TS person but are easily reversable.  I like what's happening and that's all the confirmation I need.

While it's good to question and look deep into your self for an answer to your questions I think it does no one any good to obsess over them.  Don't get discouraged before yo know ALL the facts, the ones only a medical professional can tell you.

hugs & smiles
helen

[Elizabeth]

Hi everyone,

I am really moved by the open and honest responses I have been given, it really helps when everyone is so unafraid to confront these things. I know that in the end only I know what I am. I however have to be honest with myself. That means I have to ask these kinds of questions of myself and answer them honestly. Whatever I am, the proof should withstand scrutiny. I must look for evidence that I am not transsexual, in order to be sure that what I am feeling on the inside is not something else. In the end, the dysphoria is what needs to be cured.

The amount of releif I have felt from transitioning my life and living in the open has been tremendous. I have been over the initial uphoria for quite sometime, but still I can't help going around with a smile on my face. It still amazes me that I finally get to live my life as a woman. There was a time when this seemed impossible to me. Still, though I have this longing to be a real woman, not just a pretend woman. As far as I am concerened, it's really just a matter of putting the finances together to make it happen. It's a feeling of wasting time or loosing time. If I could work, I could speed the whole thing up, but being disabled I really have no choice. Maybe  I will start buying lottery tickets, laff.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[umop ap!sdn]

But you know what, I've heard that many GGs are aroused by certain clothes so I don't let it bother me.

Oh really??   That's very interesting to know.

Specifically lacy undergarments, that type of thing. Then too, we all like to feel pretty, right? 

[Kate]

But you know what, I've heard that many GGs are aroused by certain clothes so I don't let it bother me.

Oh really??   That's very interesting to know.

Specifically lacy undergarments, that type of thing. Then too, we all like to feel pretty, right? 

Exactly. I mean heck, a natal woman can dress up all sexy, head off to a dance club, slither around the dance floor, running her hands up and down her body, turning on all the men AND herself in the process... and people just think she's sexy and confident.

But if a TS woman did that... oh my... it must be a sexual fetish, she must have transitioned just to be her own sex object, etc.

Kate