but it's not so chic...
I succumbed to the desire to get my hair cut again, went from ooh! to oh? to, sigh...thank goodness it grows fast...
It looked a lot better on the woman whose picture I took in...her hair isn't nearly as thick as mine. Mine tries to look like Eric Estrada in CHiPs.
I have to part it way to the side and/or use ten tons of gel not to look awful.
I now know how short I have to cut it to pass as male in public, though, in my thinner bod...I got called sir yesterday.
The thing is, though...I'm now kind of feeling like cramming myself back in the girl box. Not that my feelings of androgyny aren't real, they just
aren't as overwhelming as my depressive disorder right now. It's also that the social penalties are likely to be so incredibly high for being me.
And I've become good at crafting a face to meet a face, so to speak, doing what it is that society requires of me to get what it is I really want. Jobs, friends, people smiling at me-not giving me hostile stares...
Either way, I'm feeling not at home in my own skin again and all spazzy. I hate things that require me to just sit and tolerate them. I am better when I have a clear course of something to DO...
But I have to wait ...and quite frankly, work on other things that need to be worked on. My marriage-we have got to improve communication or we're going to divorce. We're going to be doing couples' counseling ASAP.
And we really love each other, which is the really sad and ironic thing. I think if my marriage fails I won't ever fall this deeply in love again, I won't let myself.
Maybe I'll determine I'm entirely woman after all, although one little part of me feels...squashed?... to think that... but I'm not even a man, I'm pretty sure.
Argh.
I am just frustrated with myself that I had to find yet another way of not fitting in!
