I can't take any more of this...

[MaxAloysius]

Today I got up super early and caught a coach for a four hour trip to a large city, where I was to meet with a new psychiatrist. My new endocrinologist, before refering me to him, told me that I would only have to see him once, and that once I'd done so, I could then go that very same day to see him (the endo) again, and get started on T.

Having to make the large trip, I planned to go back in a couple of weeks to see the endo, since I couldn't fit it all in the same day. Well, after meeting my new psychiatrist, we went through the usual psych trawl 'how was your childhood?' 'Do you dislike your body?' etc, and I thought I was all done. I was then informed by him that I would have to go back and see him for twelve months of psychiatric treatment.

This totally threw me off, and on the verge of tears I managed to get out that I'd been told I would only have to see him once, then I could start HRT. You know what he did? He laughed at me.

The SOB then asked me if he could call my mother, and tell her all about what he advised for me, which I refused. At the time I was too in shock (and crying) to really get out why, but god damnit, my mother has nothing to do with this! She is behind me, has written countless letters to say so, and on top of that, I'm the one who paid for the trip to and from this place (eight hours all up) and I'm the one who pays all of my medical bills, and whose choice it ultimately is to be who I want to be.

But now I feel completely crushed. I've been out for twelve months as it is, and seeing doctor after doctor since then trying to get on HRT. I've been stabbed in the back by one psychiatrist, told by an endocronologist that there's nothing he can do, passed through three GP's and now 'misinformed' by my new endo, and given a twelve months schedule by my new psych, who I won't be going back to on account of him being a jack-arse.

I just can't take any of this anymore. I feel like all of the life has gone out of me. I no longer want to be with my boyfriend, because I can't handle another twelve months of being with him in the body of a woman, and I don't think I can stomach to see another doctor or psych of any kind.

As far as I can see, this is the end.

I'm out.

[xAndrewx]

Man, is there no one else you can see? Can you do informed consent where you are at? Since your mom supports you I agree there is no reason for her to be brought into it all.

I'm sorry that happened Did you try calling your endo to ask why they both said differently?

[MaxAloysius]

I tried for informed consent with the endo, but he told me they don't do that in Australia. My mother wrote a letter expressing her agreement that I should be allowed informed consent and everything, it didn't make any difference.

And no, I didn't call. Right now I'm having a hard time keeping it together, and I don't think I'd be capable of doing so during that conversation

[spacial]

The guy is playing with you. Sorry, but there isn't any other way to put it. We dilude ourselves that these people are some sort of higher life form, in reality, they are failures who opt for psychiatry.

Sadly, you may need to play along. Your mom is the key here. Try to get your mom to go to the psychiatrist and tell him in no uncertain terms that she knows you, she knows what you need and approves.

It's a real drag, but you many need to do a little more work on this one.

But whatever you do, don't fall apart.

It may sound cruel, but I think that's what he's looking for. Stand proud. This is just a gate. He's just being officious. Maintain your dignity and treat this as just another hurdle put in your way.

[jmaxley]

I pm'ed you some links.  I hope those will be able to help. 

[Lee]

Man, he sounds like an ->-bleeped-<- 
Is there anyone else you can see, or would psychiatrists who work online be okay?

[Randi]

It sounds like you have good reason to be very pissed off about it but try not to let them see you sweat. Keep youself together and move on-it ain't the end of the world. You are young and there will be other opportunities to get closer to the goal. Don't give up!
Randi

[Arch]

This is not the end, and don't you forget it. After a setback like this, you're going to need time to regroup. That's all it is--time to pull yourself together so you can try again. So go ahead and fall apart a little. Most of us do at one time or another--sometimes over and over. And then, at some point, we jump back into the game. You can, too.

Once you feel ready, you can confront the endocrinologist and, depending on what he says, start planning your next move.

[MaxAloysius]

Thanks for your kind words everyone

After stewing over it all night, I've decided to get my mother to call the endo and find out what's going on, and why he told me something so dramatically different to what the psych said. Hopefully something can be worked out...

I just can't believe how many times I've been screwed over! And every time it hurts more

Forcing myself to go to work today is not going to be easy...   

[Tad]

That sucks bro. I'm sure it won't be a year, however it might not be right away like the endo suggested. See if you can get your endo to communicate with the psychiatrist and collaborate on a T-date that they are both comfortable with.

[Arch]

You've got your mother on your side, and that's huge. Maybe she can get an explanation for you. Good luck.

[Morgan]

Keep us posted, yeah? I really want to know how things work out for you, man This blows chunks.

[MaxAloysius]

Hey, so I don't know if anyone still cares about this, but I was called today and told that without the psychiatrist's say so, the endocrinologist won't do anything. The year stands.

I don't know what to do with myself. I want to fall apart about this, but I can't, I can't even cry. I just feel cold and empty and lifeless and it hurts so much!

I can't do any of this anymore, I can't go and see a single other person, I can't start over again, I just can't! It seems like my only option is to go back to my first psychiatrist when her year is up, but she'll probably stab me in the back again too. I just don't understand! Surely it should be harder to convince my friends and family than the people who's job it is to help and understand me!

I feel so angry and hurt and confused, and so very tired. I want to cry but I can't, and I'm just about ready to give up on everything.

Coming out and starting this change was supposed to make my life better, instead I'm being pushed and shoved around without any say in the way my own life will be run, and I can't stand it.

How can these people do this to us?! They're supposed to help us! Not slowly crush us until we can no longer get up!

And people wonder why so many of us kill themselves... It's not my being trans that is making me this way, it's them! The people who are here to help me are killing me, and I'm just not strong enough to bounce back a third time.

[Nero]

I'm so sorry, Max. I don't know how the system works in Australia. Is there anyone else you can see for a second opinion?

[spacial]

Max.

If your mother interviened and that didn't shift them, then I have a feeling you're just going to have to go along with it.

I am so sorry for you. I want you to know that I and others are still interested. I know many of us will be feeling your pain.

But there really doesn't appear to be any other option.

[Tad]

Have you looked into online therapy for referal of T? It's relatively short and you can do it on your own timeline. I looked into one dude in the states that offered 12 sessions - he'd send you a list of questions to answer - you write back and reply after giving them some thought. He'd read that and incorporate that into his next set of stuff he'd send you. Only takes a few months.

[MaxAloysius]

Thanks for all of your comments.

To the admin, no, there's no one else I can see, not without traveling about eight hours to get to a new psych, and I just can't afford that.

And to Tad, no I haven't looked into it at all, I didn't know it was an option. I'm very interested though, will a letter from them for T really allow me to start, even though I got it from the internet?

[Tad]

In the US and Canada they work. There are a few Trans specialists that offer there services this way for people who are stuck in regions with out anybody that will deal with them. Most are psychologists or psychiatrists.

[Aussie Jay]

Dude that really blows..

Can I ask where in Australia you are? I have a couple of numbers but they're for people in Brisbane, Townsville and Melbourne.

Have you been to the FTMAustralia website (www.ftmaustralia.org) it has a directory of numbers. Maybe you can contact someone and do the internet consultation thing or maybe they can arrange something for you - but anything is worth a try right!!

I have heard of having to wait 3 months or a set number of visits etc before getting a letter for T but not a year! Seems a little steep...

The only thing I can think of he would have concern over would be if he found something else he wanted to check into - like an underlying mental health issue, in which case they have to deal with that before your dysphoria - to make sure its not the underlying cause of your GID.

Sorry again man.. And as spacial said we still care - it's a hurdle most, if not all of us have to get over.

Chin up mate,

J

[MaxAloysius]

Thanks for the comment Aussie Jay, I'm in the ACT. I went to a gyno and psych here and they screwed me over, then I went to Sydney and was screwed over there too. The only other person I can see is the other side of Sydney, and there's no way I can afford it. It couldn't really afford to go to Sydney the first time.

And I know what you're saying, but I don't have any other issues that would need twelve months! My first psych told me I was in a very healthy place for someone in my possition (but still stabbed me in the back and told me a year after three months of therapy) and the second one told me twelve months is what the guidelines demand, which I know is a bloody lie.

I'm just so frustrated and hurt at the moment, it's really hard to deal with! I've sent an email to an online therapist though, like Tad suggested, so with any luck that will get me back up on my feet.

I just can't believe I've been screwed around for a year now, and am still no closer to my goal than when I started