Someone to talk to...

[Jessikee]

Well, I'm new to this site, my boyfriend actually sent me here...
Really my reason for joining is this:
I love my boyfriend dearly and I just found out, after being together for two years, that he is FTM. We met online but ever since meeting we have always, always been comfortable with each other and have been open with each other from the get go, but this wasn't one of those things, and I can understand him wanting to keep it to himself.
He's done his transition, he started it when he was in the 7th grade. In my mind he's always been a male and has never thrown up any flags for me, it's just a lot to handle. I found out about this the night I met his family, which I think is part of everything being so hard for me, as I've tried so hard to win his mother's approval before getting the chance to meet her.
The only reason this even came up between us was because at dinner his Mom referred to him as "she" and even called him by his birth name and that was the first red flag that has ever gone up with me.

I guess this post is really long winded and I apologize for that, I just really need someone to talk to. We aren't telling my parents about this as I've grown up in a very religious family but, growing up in New England, I've always been comfortable with the LGBT community... it's just a lot to handle as I've always been a Straight female, and I know and understand that he's a Heterosexual male, it's still just hard to wrap my head around, we've made love, we've been to hell and back in our relationship and I believe more than anything that our relationship will be able to make it through this... we're exploring the religious side right now and things are going well, I'm just a little overwhelmed because I'm alone, but I'm open and accepting of who he is and he's open and accepting with me and we're each others rock...

So I guess all I'm asking is... is there anything else I can do to make this any easier? I've read a lot of posts on here and I'm really looking forward to being part of this community because I know you'll be able to answer some of the questions that I won't be able to ask him...

Thanks for reading this terribly long and I'm sure awfully written post.

*Sigh* I feel better already...

[findingreason]

Hello! First off, welcome to Susan's. You have come to the right place, there are a number of wonderful people here, and you can find lots of advice, thoughts and experiences from others on the forum.

I'm really glad to hear you are taking well and coming to find advice. You sound like a wonderful and considerate person.

It's very understandable your feeling alone, and having a tough time processing this. You aren't by any means, and you will meet a number of people willing to talk with you.

To answer your question, I'm unsure from reading the message, but is he already aware your accepting of you? I'm sure he's having a tough time having been outed by his mother right in front of you, and is a direct embarrassment as well as insult to him by her. If he knows that, it will likely help a lot, as he is probably facing the fear of losing you because of his past, and if you can openly talk to him about your wanting to make sure you guys can get through this, it will make a difference. When I was outed to my mother, after the horrible results that followed, it was communication that I believed really saved our connection with each other. If we hadn't, I may not have been in contact with her anymore now.

I send my sympathies to you as well and I believe you will make it through this tough time, and we are all here to talk.

[Jessikee]

Thank you so much, FindingReason.

Yes, he's well aware of my accepting him. It took me a couple days or so to sort out some emotions and to start my 'research' to get a little more comfortable with the situation. The night I found out and after we yelled, screamed, cried, and everything in between he held me the tightest he ever has and never let me go once while we slept.

His mom outing him like she did was wrong and we've talked about it and he's talked to her about it and she feels awful about it, but it doesn't make it any easier for either of us to deal with. Sometimes I feel like she does the things she does to test me and see if I'm going to stick around. After two years I think I've proven that I'm not going anywhere.

I think the thing that makes it easier is that we both have a corky sense of humor and he's comfortable with me asking him questions and he answers them to the best of his ability. I've never met anyone like him. He's the sweetest man I've ever met and is so strong and makes me feel so safe, there hasn't been a single moment when I have questioned his masculinity, the only thing that worries me is my religious background, but I'm being open minded and I've read things in the religious sections of this page and on the transchristians.org page, so I feel like I'm making positive progress... I'm just so thankful to have this website/forum.

[findingreason]

Your welcome.

The night I found out and after we yelled, screamed, cried, and everything in between he held me the tightest he ever has and never let me go once while we slept.

Wow, it sounds like you have something special with him. Reading your post made me smile, you two really sound like a great couple. Your making that extra mile to inform yourself as well as explore your worries about what is happening.

It's past my bedtime here, I apologize if my replies sound sloppy

[Cindy]

Hi Jessikee,

There are plenty of SO who will start to reply to you as they get your post.
Welcome and yes you have found the right place.  Finding out that your partner is 'TG", a horrible expression that many of us have problems with, and dealing with it is difficult. But from reading your post you like, indeed love your boyfriend and are sexually, physically and mentally compatible. Tends to be  good start in any relationship. Your guy would have been so upset by his mothers remarks. That is so rude, it's like going up to a new mum and insulting her baby. It is just horrendous.

That he has handled it well does show his maturity and manliness.

So what is the issue, you love him, he loves you. Oh religion. There are many religious threads on this site and many religious TG people. I'm not one.  I'm also not an American (I'm Australian) so I have a less narrow view of the world. But I think I can safely say that there is not a single person on this site who believes that being TG is against any law of any god in any of so many religions. Yes there are bigots, often in fundamentalist religions of any number of faiths that disagree, but they tend to disagree with anything that  affects their power structures.

Have a think.

Have a long think.

Do you love this man?

Do you want to spend your life with this man?

He will not be able to inseminate you. But you can still have family.

And love, compatibility and friendship are the major keys to a relationship.

Oh, I've been married to my wife for 28 years. She knew before we married that Cindy was me. There have been rocks but very small ones. We married quite simply because we loved each other, and still do.

Take Care and Keep Posting away

Cindy

[Jessikee]

Reason
We do have something special, I have never in my short 22 years loved anyone the way I love him. He has my whole heart and I have felt that he was my soul mate after just two weeks of talking to him. I never want to have to live my life without him...

And I should probably say that most of our yelling and screaming was about how much he loved me, didn't want to lose me and how I felt the same but I was hurt for not being told sooner, it wasn't an all out war or anything, just a mix of emotions...

Also, no need to worry about sounding sloppy, it's way past my bed time too and I have to get up soon.


Cindy, I appreciate your input as well.
When his Mom outed him the way she did my heart broke and I was terrified, I thought my world was ending, I was having a hard time with the idea that my man wasn't in fact a man, but I was completely and utterly wrong and we talked about all of it. He is every bit of a man as he possibly could be and wants to be. Thinking about what she did to him breaks my heart. My only real issue is the religion thing, but I've been looking into it and we've been exploring it together as he grew up in a relatively religious household as well. I'm only having a hard time with it because I had no idea he was TG until last week and we've been together for more than two years. But I'm adjusting and I still look at him the same way I did before and we've discussed IVF if we get to the point where we're going to have children, which we're sure we're going to do, since we're considering marriage hopefully sometime next year or sometime after, as he graduates from College in May.

[rejennyrated]

If you haven't already, you may like to read this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Whittle

Alison (with whom I have been partnered since 1987/8) and I had the privilege of knowing Stephen very slightly during the early 1990's when he was founding Press For Change. He currently is an OBE (one of the Uk's high honours) and I would not be surprised if he gets knighted sooner or later so he would then be Sir Stephen Whittle.

I know this isn't exactly the aspect you are struggling with but I thought it might help you to read the lives of other couples who have faced this situation. His wife is a very lovely lady and they are totally devoted.

As far as the religion thing is concerned, think of it as a birth defect. No reasonable religious person would object to the correction of a deformity. So if the brain is internally wired up for a body of the opposite sex to the one in which it ends up then the whole body becomes like a deformity and the surgery is merely the best efforts of modern science to correct that.

There are many scientific papers that prove that such differences in brain structure DO exist. The work of Professor Louis Gooren and that of Dr Vincent Harley both show measurable cross gender development in the brains of trans people. Dr Harley even has a theory as to why it happens, concerning variations in the potency of androgen receptors in cerebral tissue.

Most religions hold that souls are genderless anyway. (I am not sure I agree - but lets not over complicate this).

The upshot is that I do not think that a God worth believing in would be so cruel as to allow a scientific cure, which can and does relieve the suffering, to be developed and then arbitrarily deny the people that it can help the right to access it.

Nor are chromosomes the ultimate determinant that some would like to think. There are naturally occurring XX men and XY women, and then there are people who are intersexed and are not fully one thing or another. All of us are valid parts of creation, God does not cease to care about me because I was different, not does he cease to care about me because I availed myself of a solution which exists.

So I hope you will succeed in working through this. Unfortunately there are always those who do not understand an issue and seek to unjustly persecute those who suffer from it. Equally unfortunately even popes and other religious leaders can sometimes fall into this trap. So let your reason be your guide here.

God (if you believe he exists and is worth believing in) is not a cruel sadistic monster. He above all will be the healer and redeemer, not the repressor. So I can say with absolute confidence that those religious leaders who say that this is a sin are seriously in error on this matter and have fallen into the trap of the pharisee, namely to criticise and oppress the action of others whose lives they do not understand.

I hope that may be of some help. I used to be an ordained preacher, but since I got together with Alison I have become a pagan, in part because I was disgusted with the uncaring judgmental attitude of many Christians.

[Jessikee]

If you haven't already, you may like to read this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Whittle

Alison (with whom I have been partnered since 1987/8) and I had the privilege of knowing Stephen very slightly during the early 1990's when he was founding Press For Change. He currently is an OBE (one of the Uk's high honours) and I would not be surprised if he gets knighted sooner or later so he would then be Sir Stephen Whittle.

I know this isn't exactly the aspect you are struggling with but I thought it might help you to read the lives of other couples who have faced this situation. His wife is a very lovely lady and they are totally devoted.

As far as the religion thing is concerned, think of it as a birth defect. No reasonable religious person would object to the correction of a deformity. So if the brain is internally wired up for a body of the opposite sex to the one in which it ends up then the whole body becomes like a deformity and the surgery is merely the best efforts of modern science to correct that.

There are many scientific papers that prove that such differences in brain structure DO exist. The work of Professor Louis Gooren and that of Dr Vincent Harley both show measurable cross gender development in the brains of trans people. Dr Harley even has a theory as to why it happens, concerning variations in the potency of androgen receptors in cerebral tissue.

Most religions hold that souls are genderless anyway. (I am not sure I agree - but lets not over complicate this).

The upshot is that I do not think that a God worth believing in would be so cruel as to allow a scientific cure, which can and does relieve the suffering, to be developed and then arbitrarily deny the people that it can help the right to access it.

Nor are chromosomes the ultimate determinant that some would like to think. There are naturally occurring XX men and XY women, and then there are people who are intersexed and are not fully one thing or another. All of us are valid parts of creation, God does not cease to care about me because I was different, not does he cease to care about me because I availed myself of a solution which exists.

So I hope you will succeed in working through this. Unfortunately there are always those who do not understand an issue and seek to unjustly persecute those who suffer from it. Equally unfortunately even popes and other religious leaders can sometimes fall into this trap. So let your reason be your guide here.

God (if you believe he exists and is worth believing in) is not a cruel sadistic monster. He above all will be the healer and redeemer, not the repressor. So I can say with absolute confidence that those religious leaders who say that this is a sin are seriously in error on this matter and have fallen into the trap of the pharisee, namely to criticise and oppress the action of others whose lives they do not understand.

I hope that may be of some help. I used to be an ordained preacher, but since I got together with Alison I have become a pagan, in part because I was disgusted with the uncaring judgmental attitude of many Christians.

Rejennyrated, I wish I could express in words just how helpful and how great your post has made me feel. I have hope, and your words are certainly going to help me. I don't plan on leaving his side, not ever.

Thank you so much.

[cynthialee]

Welcome aboard.
The others pretty much covered it all rather well so I will just introduce myslef.

Not only am I a transsexual (male to female) I am married to a transsexual (female to androgyne). We started out married as man and wife and have pretty much completely switched social roles.
I see both sides of transition, as a spouse and as a transsexual. If you ever want to talk I am here. (and as I am a housewife I am always online)
I know your man was transitioned before you met but there are still going to be issues that come up.
We (the people on susans) will be here for you if anything comes up and you need us.

[ToriJo]

I love my boyfriend dearly

That's what is most important!  I'm married to a woman who was mis-identified at birth as male.  Like you, I've considered myself straight (although I'll admit that having my eyes opened to the wide variety of gender expressions and such, I think I would now say that I would be with the person I love, regardless of gender, as the physical attraction is only one part of the relationship - although I am glad my wife is of the attractive gender!).  One difference between my experience and yours is that my wife told me a bit of her history (she is, by far, the bravest person I've ever known) early on, before we started dating (IMHO, as an SO, I feel that's the better choice).  But I would have 100% understood if she didn't - it's a painful subject, with lots of misunderstanding.

If it helps, he probably didn't tell you because, among other reasons, he's incredibly attracted to you and very much loves you - and was scared he'd lose you.  Most people don't understand gender very much, and have a lot of prejudice.  Most people wouldn't even consider dating someone who transitioned, sadly.  When I look at that, I think it's kind of stupid that people ignore potentially wonderful people simply because of prejudice.

... just found out, after being together for two years, that he is FTM. We met online but ever since meeting we have always, always been comfortable with each other and have been open with each other from the get go, but this wasn't one of those things, and I can understand him wanting to keep it to himself.

The good news now is that you can support him.  My wife has parents that call her by her old name, try to bring over people who knew her when she was living the lie, call her by the wrong pronouns, etc.  It's incredibly painful for her - it's basically like being rejected by your family.  They don't want her, they want someone else.  That, to me, is uncomprehendable and it must be horrible to experience to live through - being unwanted by your parents.  He'll probably need some support, and he may need some reassurance that you see him just as masculine as he was before that night.

In my relationship, knowing my wife's history has let me give her more support than I could give if I didn't know it.  For instance, if her parents use the wrong name or pronouns, I will correct them or immediately jump in with something to show her that I don't accept that view of her (the view of her as their son).

I guess this post is really long winded and I apologize for that, I just really need someone to talk to. We aren't telling my parents about this as I've grown up in a very religious family but, growing up in New England, I've always been comfortable with the LGBT community... it's just a lot to handle as I've always been a Straight female, and I know and understand that he's a Heterosexual male, it's still just hard to wrap my head around, we've made love, we've been to hell and back in our relationship and I believe more than anything that our relationship will be able to make it through this... we're exploring the religious side right now and things are going well, I'm just a little overwhelmed because I'm alone, but I'm open and accepting of who he is and he's open and accepting with me and we're each others rock...

My parents don't know my wife's history either.  It's none of their business - they aren't her doctor or her SO.  She's female - she's not "transitioning", so she's not transgender in her eyes (or mine).  So I interact with others the same way anyone else would when talking about their wife.

As for the religion, I am a Christian.  I believe Christ shapes my entire life, and my wife shares in my beliefs.  We have a wonderful church that we attend, that fully welcomes, accepts, and affirms us.  I can say, beyond any doubt, that verses on homosexuality have been greatly misinterpreted, misunderstood, and misused by the American church - they do not say what people say they mean.  Beyond that, God is absolutely silent in the Bible on transgender people, who, if they are like your boyfriend, are not gay (of course they can be - like anyone else!).  There's verses people try to stretch to apply to transgender people, but they are adding to God's word.  Now, I don't know if you're Christian or something else, but I'm glad to give you insights if you are Christian.  There's also a Christian section of this forum that may answer your questions.

I, personally, am so very glad that God loved me so much that he didn't just spend 9 months forming my wife, but spent many years of her life forming her body.  It's a miracle that she was able to emerge from pain that I can't pretend to understand as the kind woman that she is.

So I guess all I'm asking is... is there anything else I can do to make this any easier? I've read a lot of posts on here and I'm really looking forward to being part of this community because I know you'll be able to answer some of the questions that I won't be able to ask him...

I'd say that there is an "elephant in the room" in your relationship, and it is important to talk about it now that it's standing in your living room.  Recognize that he's probably experienced a lot of pain and prejudice, so things might not be easy to talk about (and us guys don't like talking about our feelings!), so be careful when you talk.  If you do hit something painful talking, understand that people may respond in a way that they never normally would respond - they are just very much in pain.  Be quick to forgive!  Let him know that, no matter what, you understand why he didn't tell you and that you would never ever betray that sacred trust.  Never use this as a weapon in an argument, no matter how frustrated or upset you are - doing so is abusive (in my relationship, I feel it would be no better than physically harming my wife - something I would never ever do).

If you are curious about things, be honest with him.  But let him know that you don't want to lose him, and that your curiosity is not as important as your love.

Show him that you're still as much in love with him as you were before this.  As his girlfriend, I'm sure you could come up with a perfect date or evening for him, to show him you're still there for him, and your love is still strong.

Work through the faith issues.  Find out what you believe, and why.  Be willing to question the common view.  If you're Christian, remember that Jesus never promised the wide and popular road, but a narrow one that not many people would choose.

I will say that I have never once regretted marrying my wife.  It was the easiest decision I've ever made, and my wedding day is still the happiest day of my life.  We had a wonderful and unique wedding, with only those who fully accept us as we are - there wasn't one person there who we invited out of obligation or because they were expected to be invited.  As a result, it was a celebration of love that I've never seen at other weddings!  I'm so glad bigotry and prejudice didn't keep my wife from me, I'm so glad she loves me in a way that nobody else ever has.

[Elizabeth A.]

Hi there,

This is my first post here. I've been reading here for a while, but was motivated to register so I could reply to your very moving post!

I just wanted to tell you, you have a lot of company. I too am a straight woman, partnered with a wonderful transman. There are thousands of us around the country. Stealth, not stealth. Happy, not happy. Crazy or sane. In short, we (our trans partners, and ourselves) are no different than everybody else.

Relationship issues don't change just because one of the partners is trans. Nor is he a different person now than he was before the seventh grade. He's always been male; just no one acknowledged that till after he transitioned, and apparently his mom still struggles with it.

And it sounds like he is a beautiful man, and you have a beautiful relationship. NOTHING can change that.

A couple of things to add to what people have already written:

Please don't worry about labels. Dating a transman does not turn you from a "straight" woman into something else. Only you - nobody else - gets to decide what your sexual orientation is. Since dating my man I've been called lesbian or queer, at times, which is pretty much a slap in the face to my man, because it implies that he is female or something non-male. To which I reply, No, I'm still straight; I just discovered to my great happiness that I like transmen as much as cismen (men born in the usual male body), and maybe more. My transman is more emotionally nuanced than men I've dated in the past; he thinks this is because he has had to live in a woman's shoes for a while. I like his emotional intelligence.

Second, you don't have to tell your family. You don't have to tell friends. In fact it is up to your man to decide who he wants to be out to. My man is out in some circles and stealth in others. He is out to some of my family members that he trusts, and some of my friends; and not to others. This is something you need to communicate very clearly about with him! If he leaves it up to you to decide whether to tell certain people in your life, err on the side of not telling. This is the kind of gossip that spreads like the wind, in some circles. Plus, why do people in your life need to know? He is still the same person he was before.

Finally, there are some resources for significant others of FTMs. I enjoyed the books, "The Testosterone Files" and "Just Add Hormones." These will help get you to up to speed. There is also a support forum for SO's of FTMs, but I just read the site rules here and I think I am not allowed to post a link to an outside website here. Also, if your sweetie ever attends trans meetings of any sort, if SO's are also welcome, go, and you'll enjoy meeting the other SO's.

Elizabeth

[Jessikee]

Slanan:
I am Christian and was brought up in a Christian household, so that's where my struggle is, but with all of my reading and what not I'm getting very comfortable pretty easily and I'm actually looking forward to this journey where as I was terrified before. I know that might seem like a quick change of heart and attitude, but I love this man and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him. He completes me. I would really be interested in talking to you sometime about the Christian side of things, as I have a hard time posting about it on boards and what not, my spirituality is pretty private.

Elizabeth, thank you so much for joining and posting and thinking that my post was moving.
I really have felt so much better since I gathered up the guts to post that first post on these boards. My heart is a little less heavy and I look at my hubby and I'm more attracted to him now than I was before. There are no walls between us now and it's made us stronger and closer.

I realize that there are still going to be things that are going to be difficult, he's contemplating going back to Therapy, mostly to get his Mom to go with him and perhaps work out some things with her about her choice of pronouns and names, if he ever asks me to go with him to a session, I'll be totally up for that. Anything to support him. <3

As for the whole telling people and going stealth bit, I know it's up to him who we tell and we've already discussed everything. He's being so open and comfortable with me and I'm so thankful. He's told me about his past, his struggles, the smiles, and the sad times. I'm so proud of him. We feel like it's none of my family's concern considering as long as they've known him, and as long as he's been alive, he is and always will be a man and the man that I love. We probably won't say much to any of our friends but none of them really need to know either. We both currently live in the South which, as I'm sure you're well aware, can be pretty terrible. I grew up and lived in Maine my whole life, but just recently moved to South Carolina to be closer to him, he lives in Georgia, and to help my mother take care of my disabled father, so things are a little more stress filled right now, but I feel like everything is going to work out, long distance or not, I'm putting my all into this and hoping and praying for the best.

Again, I can't thank you all enough for being here. It makes me feel so much better to be accepted with open arms and makes me feel so much better to know that I do in fact have people to talk to. Each and every one of you are beautiful.

[Tad]

Just wanting to subscribe to the thread for mah GF. Nothing to say.

[Jessikee]

Just droppin' in to say hey and I hope you all had a great Holiday and I hope your 2011 brings you loads more happiness and love.

The BF and I got to spend Christmas together so it was nice. I'm still struggling a little bit, mostly because of a few things that have happened recently, but we're on the slow and steady track to forever.

[sweetie87]

Hi Jessikee,

It's wonderful to hear you're making progress. You love each other a lot and that's great. I hope his parents will one day be accepting towards him, since the way he was outed by his mom must've been very awkward and painful to him. I think you're a great person to have accepted him as he is and still being his girlfriend. Your boyfriend is a soulmate for life. I'm an MTF myself and besides being special because of the whole transition we have to make we're just ordinary people.

I have experienced myself you'll have to be very patient with parents. When I came out to my parents initially they were very supportive and understanding but when I transitioned it became somewhat too close for comfort for my dad and went to the point I eventually contemplated moving out of the house which in the end I did. It took my dad 2 years to accept me fully as his daughter and using the correct pronouns. As for my stepmom things have never been really an issue and she used to right pronouns from day one. I hope one day your bf's mother will be accepting to him.

It's also nice he's very open with you about everything and it means he trusts you very well. Also you have to sort out together whom you're going to tell about all of this. Since you're parents are very religious you'll probably have to very considerate with telling them if you're willing to tell them at all in the near future. Just as rejennyrated told, it's usually best to talk about is as a bioligical condition and a birth defect which has to be corrected (there's no choice involved). She's right as there is many scientific evidence the brains of transsexuals function as one of the oppositive (birth)sex. These difference in the brain and wiring are evident even prior to HRT and telling it this way may validate the need for transition to many religious people I think, at least I hope.

I hope you can find support and have your questions answered through this forum. Oh.. and recently there was a similar thread from a boy whose girlfriend came out to him as being MTF. Maybe it is helpful as well, you can find it over here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82001.0.html  (if you haven't found it already)

Finally I hope 2011 will bring the both of you lots of joy and of course love.

Michelle

[Jessikee]

See, what blew us away with his Mom, is that she's always been very accepting of him and was with him every single step of the way with this process, and his brothers and sisters are great about the whole "situation." When I talked to him about what happened at dinner he was so surprised and couldn't believe his Mom had done something like that because she's never done it before. What it comes down to for me, is that I feel like she did it on purpose. She's never really liked me, mostly because of how we met and what not, and she's so afraid of not having control over her son and his life that I think she feels like I'm a threat, and that breaks my heart because all I want to do is love her son and be a part of their family so we can start our own, I just feel like she does things to try to get me to leave, and I'm sorry, but it's been 25months and I don't plan on throwing in the towel any time soon.

His father is a completely different story. D (I'll use the first initial of my bf's name instead of his full name) didn't have a 'normal' childhood and now that he's transitioned his father just kind of looks at him like he's his own personal sideshow and he treats him poorly and he's not part of his life, thankfully his Mom and Dad are divorced and his Mom's boyfriend/fiance' absolutely loves D and is so proud of him.

The thing I'm dealing with right now is that someone actually asked me if I was dating a man or a woman, and I'm sorry but if you take one look at my boyfriend it's obvious he's a man. Sure, he has beautiful eyes and the long eyelashes all women wished they had, and a round face from some weight gain, but he is all man. He acts, smells, and looks like a man (in all areas  )... and when people ask these questions it's hard to deal with. Someone also asked me what I would do if my boyfriend came to me and told me he was previously a woman... how do you deal with things like that? It just gets under my skin and makes me so angry. He suggested increasing his hormones but we don't know if that's how we want to go... I'm fine with the way he looks now, but I feel like he'd be more comfortable if he did increase them. The only thing stopping him is the risk of hair loss, 'cause he's so happy with his full head of hair and he doesn't want to go bald yet, and he doesn't want the change to be so drastic that people will be like... "Wow D looks really different, whats going on?" **Sigh**

As for the telling family and friends, we're still planning on keeping it very hush, hush. As far as we're both concerned, D is who is has always been and now his outward appearance is just the icing on the cake and he's complete and happy with where he is and everyone in my family and all of my friends know him as a male and nothing different, so there's no real reason to tell them otherwise. If we decide to change that someday, then so be it, but right now I think this is a good place for the two of us, my family absolutely adores him and the relationship him and my father are building is beautiful and fulfilling for both of us. We made a step this holiday and he got me a promise ring, so I'm definitely looking forward to the future and all that 2011 is going to bring, even all the bad.

Sorry about the long post... heh... Happy New Year!

[sweetie87]

Hmm if his mom did the 'outing' on purpose than maybe she did it to 'test' you. I'm not sure but probably she wanted to look how you responded and maybe she fears you will be leaving her son because of the whole 'situation'. Obviously it is not going to happen but it sounds to me his mom wants to know you're going to love her son no matter what... just some rambling of thoughts. If she sees the relationship between the both of you sustains she might get a different view of you and I hope you will be part of the family one day.

As for telling your friends and your own family, it's not a mandatory thing. He's just male and there's no need te be open about it. I can very much understand it upsets you when someone asks you in the face what to do if your boyfriend would tell you he once was a woman..Or the person who asked you if you're dating a man or a woman... It's hard to deal with that, especially because you see him just as the male he is. Why did they ask that sort of things in the first place? Reading your posts it seems you're boyfriend looks and acts all male so why would anyone ask things like that? How did you respond to that sort of questions? You're just a straight girl and being in a relationship with an FTM doesn't make you any less straight. But people who have never dealt with LGBT issues may have a different outlook on things.

I'm glad your bf has a good relationship with your friends and family though. It's very nice your dad likes his son-in-law And it's so sweet he bought you a promise ring, it really moves me and made me smile to read that

Happy newyear:) and I hope things will get even better in 2011 for the both of you.

[ToriJo]

When I talked to him about what happened at dinner he was so surprised and couldn't believe his Mom had done something like that because she's never done it before. What it comes down to for me, is that I feel like she did it on purpose. She's never really liked me, mostly because of how we met and what not, and she's so afraid of not having control over her son and his life that I think she feels like I'm a threat, and that breaks my heart because all I want to do is love her son and be a part of their family so we can start our own, I just feel like she does things to try to get me to leave, and I'm sorry, but it's been 25months and I don't plan on throwing in the towel any time soon.

I don't know the specifics, but it still doesn't sound very supportive or loving of him to me, even if she hates you and wants you to leave - you don't attack a person because you don't like someone else!

The thing I'm dealing with right now is that someone actually asked me if I was dating a man or a woman, and I'm sorry but if you take one look at my boyfriend it's obvious he's a man. Sure, he has beautiful eyes and the long eyelashes all women wished they had, and a round face from some weight gain, but he is all man. He acts, smells, and looks like a man (in all areas  )... and when people ask these questions it's hard to deal with. Someone also asked me what I would do if my boyfriend came to me and told me he was previously a woman... how do you deal with things like that? It just gets under my skin and makes me so angry.

It probably depends on the reason they ask the questions, and who the person asking is.

For the "man or woman" question, if it's a stranger, and they are questioning his sex, I'd probably let them know that's a rude question.  A friend would be told it's hurtful and ignorant.  Same goes for the "if he was previously a woman" if it is someone questioning your boyfriend's sex.  I would not answer specific questions at all, as they aren't anyone's business - I'd never answer any questions about what's in anyone's pants, for instance (fortunately nobody has asked, because I think they would be 100% sure that I thought they were an $#@! after asking such a question).  How exactly you respond should be something you discuss with your boyfriend - although this may be a painful subject for him (having your sex questioned after putting in as much work as people transitioning put into it is really awful).

One thing I do that seems to keep people from asking me questions like that, from people who don't "get" it and think it's fine to question my wife's sex or gender is to make sure I make it clear that I know she's a woman.  What I mean is things like, when in a restaurant, I might order my food first and immediately say, before can say something dumb like, "Sir, what would you like" to my wife, is, "I think my wife's also ready to order".  Or if they do get the pronouns wrong, immediately correct - don't give a long lecture (if someone got my sex wrong, which - to my wife's chagrin happens occasionally, they don't get a long lecture about sex vs. gender, how my mind fits my body, etc - I just correct them).

If they "know" (because they were told) that your boyfriend is transitioning, then I'd just say something along the lines of, "Yes, he's the bravest person I know.  I've learned how lucky I am that my body fits who I am.  I'm so glad to he was willing to live honestly."

If it is someone making a joke but not talking about your man specifically (office banter or such from people who don't know him or suspect that he's TS), I'd tell them that they have no idea how hard it is for people in that situation.  Of course I would be careful to not out him, so it might be best to talk with him about how you should respond.  But it is important for us with privilege - those of us who's bodies always have fit our minds - to counter bigotry.  It let's people know these attitudes are unacceptable.

He suggested increasing his hormones but we don't know if that's how we want to go... I'm fine with the way he looks now, but I feel like he'd be more comfortable if he did increase them. The only thing stopping him is the risk of hair loss, 'cause he's so happy with his full head of hair and he doesn't want to go bald yet, and he doesn't want the change to be so drastic that people will be like... "Wow D looks really different, whats going on?" **Sigh**

What I've told my wife on similar cases is that I love the way she looks, and, most importantly hope that she realizes how much I love the way she looks (of course it's important to be able to say this truthfully - a significant other will know if it's truthful).  But depending on how I think she (my wife) is feeling, I also might say, "But I'd love the way you would look after X too, I'm sure.  And if you are doing it for yourself, I'll be here to support you."  It's similar to how anyone in a relationship would respond to their S.O. if their S.O. was talking about going on a diet - you probably wouldn't say, "Yep, a diet would help" but rather "I think you're fine the way you are" but also offer support.  Usually when my wife asks about something related to her looks, she's just feeling a bit down and can use some reassurance that I really do love the way she looks - something I'm glad to provide!

We made a step this holiday and he got me a promise ring, so I'm definitely looking forward to the future and all that 2011 is going to bring, even all the bad.

Sounds way more good than bad.  It's wonderful to be in a good relationship.

[Jessikee]

Hmm if his mom did the 'outing' on purpose than maybe she did it to 'test' you. I'm not sure but probably she wanted to look how you responded and maybe she fears you will be leaving her son because of the whole 'situation'. Obviously it is not going to happen but it sounds to me his mom wants to know you're going to love her son no matter what... just some rambling of thoughts. If she sees the relationship between the both of you sustains she might get a different view of you and I hope you will be part of the family one day.

I feel like she was/is testing me, to be completely honest. You see, when I say that she's always been supportive, I do believe she has been, D has told me how much his Mom has been there for him. She's very protective of him, in a way that makes me feel a little uncomfortable, though with everything he's been through in his life I can certainly see why she'd be so protective of him. I just feel like no matter what I do I can't win her over, but I suppose that's how mothers are with their sons. He has one older brother, three younger brothers and two younger sisters, so I didn't think it would be this bad for this long, considering how many children she has to care for, but I guess I was wrong. I've been trying so hard to make sure I don't do things to upset her and what not, I just am out of ideas.
I know she's going to continue to 'test' me, but I hope it's not by refering to D as a 'she' or anything in front of me, because that just hurts both of us too much and I hate seeing the pain in his eyes and I hate feeling his body tense up when he's standing next to me. It's just really hard, especially since I've never had to do the whole "meet the parents" thing with a boyfriend before. None of my previous relationships really got to that point.


As for the questions about the sex of my boyfriend, I've just ignored them. I got them as an anonymous post on a website and I've just gone about ignoring the questions all together. I don't think the questions are far to me or D and I refuse to answer them because I find them to be degrading and hurtful. I want to lash out and say something rude to them but I know that won't help, especially since I have no idea who this person is.

I'm glad your bf has a good relationship with your friends and family though. It's very nice your dad likes his son-in-law And it's so sweet he bought you a promise ring, it really moves me and made me smile to read that

Thank you for this. Reading that you typed that really made my day and helped put a smile on my face. We are so in love that I'm pretty sure we make people sick and I'm just glad that our happiness can bring joy to those of us around us.

[sweetie87]

Hi Jessikee,

Well at the moment I don't have any good advice to say but just wanted to let you know my thoughts are with the both of you. I hope your bf's mom will change her perception of you one day, it sounds like she is just very protective of her son and trying to be the best mom she can be but it is obviously not helping you or him. Though it's great she accepts her son as being FTM and is being supportive. Maybe she learns one day that you love her son no matter what and I hope one day that might change her attitude towards you... only time will tell. Anyway don't take it too personal because it's clear it has nothing to do with you and there's little you can do to win her over. You're a caring and loving person and your bf is very happy being with you. Try to be the best daughter-in-law you can be and if she isn't going to change maybe tell her upfront you feel like being tested and such and reassure her there's really no reason to do so. Not sure if the latter is a good idea but sometimes being straightforward can be a good thing.

As for the questions about your bf's sex, just ignore them altogether. Those people aren't worth your attention I think...

In the meantime keep having fun together and enjoy being in love it's a great feeling!