Quote from: Colleen Ireland on December 19, 2010, 09:00:13 AM
@Tammy: Hey, girl! Haven't seen you in a while. How've you been keeping? Are things going any better for you? I hope so. Please update us on your situation. I've been wondering about you...
Better by a small margin but it's a temporary thing I fear.
Basically, it's like this. Besides her admitted intolerance, my wife has an issue she really has no control over. She's had clinical depression as long as I've known her (back into childhood before i met her as far as I can tell) which was compounded (aggravated? Triggered?) by some childhood sexual abuse.
During the early years of our marriage - say from year 3 or 4 through about year 12 she would have fits of illogical, unpredictable, irrational rage. They were usually brief, but while they were going on there was no reasoning. In between, she spent much of her time depressed, sometimes suicidally so. For many years she refused to seek treatment ("if I go to a nut doctor that means I'm a nut") but eventually she got on medication and at first we just got a "flat effect" (which was a great improvement but not what we hoped for) and eventually she got on Cymbalta and she was a new woman.
Why am i telling you all this?
Because I've come to realize that her reactions to me fit exactly the old pattern - a lot of sadness, which one would assume is to be expected, but largely we go day to day in a fairly "normal" humor (although you can see the occasional facial expression in reaction to something i say or do or wear that gives away that she's feeling the pain) and for the most part you wouldn't pick up too much evidence that she disapproved. Though there's also not overt signs of acceptance or even resignation - like female pronouns or a new name or whatever.
BUT
Every....couple of weeks? sometimes more often, occasionally less...she just "loses her sh**" and what ensues is a few hours of completely irrational attacks. Verbal abuse, even attempts at violence - no regard for what the kids hear or see, no regard for her own safety or anything else - just "berserker" mode. The only solution for it is time, and if possible, distance.
It's also possible that she "forgets" her meds on occasion because she tells herself that they are suppressing her true feelings (though with this sort of drug you have to miss a few days before it really allows the negative emotions to build up so).
SO
the upshot is that when she's rational, I feel encouraged that she might at length resign herself to the situation. I've spent the last couple of months reclaiming a lot of the ground i gave up in an attempt to compromise with her (things I agreed not to do when we were together) and will continue that process into the new year).
However, I can't escape the feeling that as long as she has the periods of rage, it's going to do so much damage to the relationship that we CAN'T stay together. i find even now that there are times, even when she's not angry, when I just don't feel as strongly for her as I once did
In the old days her rage wasn't about me, who i was or what i did, in a way that I felt I "owned" it - that is, she was mad "at" me but I could recognize that it was an irrational anger and i really hadn't done anything that wrong. Now, even though i recognize the same pattern of irrationality, the emotional impact is much greater because it FEELS as if she's attacking the very heart of my life. it's taking quite a toll on how i feel about her and how much i want to be with her.
The upshot of all this is i feel like we might have slipped past some tipping point in which separation (we've discussed March) might be unavoidable. There's a fairly high chance that when I do move out, she will miss me so much (she is EXTREMELY emotionally dependent on me - what some would call clingy) that she will beg me to come back. But if i do, it would only be with a blank check that she was inviting Tammy into her life, and not "him"
I don't know if she will ever admit to those terms, but I think my feelings have gone round to the point that if she won't, then I won't come back.
All that is a long winded way to say that i can go days, sometimes well over a week, with no drama - but when we have a bad day it's a really REALLY bad day.
