Not Doing So Good This New Years Eve

[myles]

I was a stay at home parent for a while and about a year after transition, T and after the name change and gender change I went back to work part time. It really helped, like you I needed other people (adults) to talk to, I needed the interaction. I went ahead and worked at Ikea part time in the morning (had to work around my kids school schedule). It was a great first step and I strongly encourage you to keep looking and applying. I now have a more full time job that is also around my kids school schedule 30 - 40 hours a week. While I am under employed the purpose of the job was/is  just to get me out into the world again, interacting with other, feeling like I was contributing and not disrupting my kids schedule too much.
Good Luck
Myles
PS took me about 4 or more months to get my first part time gig

[xAndrewx]

Dude a flat screen and $1000 in presents altogether?! Those are some lucky kids. Seriously wish you luck on the job thing. I'm in the same boat. Noone around here is hiring and even when I technically got hired they still don't have a spot for me. I hope something can open up for you soon.

Sometimes the little things can save you cash. Like I'm trying to give up my soda addiction to save money towards affording my T. I push the site a lot sorry but snagajob is a good one since you have kids their site is easy to fill out apps and do a billion things at the same time like any parent has to do As for the courts they might not waive the court fees but if you explain that you have 3 kids and such they might at least be able to lower it for you. Wish I had better info for you, I'm looking into getting them waved myself. Always worth a shot. That little ID can seem so simple but so incredible when it's changed. Ah but I'm ranting sorry.

[tekla]

I would think it's hard to spend that kind of money for Xmas and a TV and then turn around and cry poverty.

[Squirrel698]

Yes I agree that would be hard.  Good thing I didn't claim poverty at any point.  The thing is I know we could afford what I need for transition but he insists that we can't.  This happens from time to time.  He insists that we are broke and I come home one day and we have a brand new state of the art kitchen.  His thing is that I spend bit by bit while he spends it all at once.  Oh and more important what he buys benefits everyone while my needs are only for me.

I think Arch is right and this is unbalanced.  Which goes to what Kvall said about envisioning my life with or without him.  I would really like a life where I'm my own man and given credit for making my own decisions.  I really hope that is possible in this relationship now but there needs to be changes first.   You know I was the one who allowed myself to live this way for years and years.  Living in my mind because the world was to wrong the way it was.

Now I'm taking a much more active role.  Starting with learning how this whole business of budgeting and advocating the money fairly works.  Once I have that knowledge then I can meet him on equal ground.  He obviously wants this to work so hopefully he will meet me halfway.

Thanks Myles.  I think that it would help to get out and plus making my own money would be wonderful.

Andrew I appreciate the reply.  Good luck getting a waver.  I really don't need it that's the thing and I would rather save it for those who do.  Oh and thanks for the website!  I will check that out for sure.     

[Arch]

You know I was the one who allowed myself to live this way for years and years.  Living in my mind because the world was to wrong the way it was.

I did this as well, so I have an idea of what it is like. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. You did what you had to do in order to cope, but now you're transitioning and making progress. One step at a time.

[spacial]

I appreciate your advice Spacial and M.Grimm but I really need this ID.  It's more than just a piece of plastic in my pocket.  It will be my tangible, personal victory badge that I will be able to pull out and see what I've accomplished.  Knowing that I overcame all the obstacles that stood in my way.  I don't think you can really put a price on that.  This hasn't been an easy journey but I've come this far.  The surgeries are what I can't decide if they are critical or not to my well being.

The cost goes to court fees, filing fees and the fee for the newspaper ad.  There is no way I can get any of it waived I don't think.  The household income is to high.  I do have my own savings account.  Unfortunately I don't have any big budget items to sell right now. 

Thanks again everyone

I really understand Squirrel.

I was suggesting that it might benefit you both if you try to bring him round to the idea. He seems a little resistant at the moment.

Might take a bit more time, but i'm pretty sure you can do it.

He sounds really nice though.

[sneakersjay]

I would think it's hard to spend that kind of money for Xmas and a TV and then turn around and cry poverty.

My ex did this all the time.  Got all pissy about the money I spent on the kids at Walmart (diapers, formula, onesies), outlet store clothing and Goodwill - our daughter spent 2 years wearing a coat I picked up for $1, yet he would shop at Macy's and plunk down $50 for a shirt, go out and buy a new stereo with surround sound speakers, drop $6K on a tractor we didn't need, etc, all while crying poverty and we couldn't afford anything.

Read: he was the primary wage earner and he could spend what he wanted on himself, but me as primary kid caretaker and minimal income from self employment had better not spend anything.  To the point where he removed my name from the checking account (he 'forgot' to put it down when he opened a new account) and other crap like that. 

So I can relate to Paul's SO being similar to mine.

Jay

[tekla]

I was speaking strictly about getting a waiver for court fees where you have to prove need.

[Arch]

I was speaking strictly about getting a waiver for court fees where you have to prove need.

Yeah, I think most jurisdictions have a pretty low income threshold. My area considers family size, and I figure that other areas do, too. But if a family--even a family of five--has enough money to buy luxuries like that, then they probably don't qualify for a waiver in any U.S. jurisdiction.

[Nero]

But your emotional well-being is something that benefits everyone. If you're struggling and unhappy, that's going to negatively impact everybody else in your family because it'll drain you of the energy you need for your fatherly duties and strain your emotional relationship to your partner. Maybe point this out to him?

Good point there. Kids are probably more negatively affected by having a miserable parent than a few less doodads.

[sneakersjay]

I was speaking strictly about getting a waiver for court fees where you have to prove need.

I know.

I was just pointing out that there are people out there who like to control their spouses by controlling the purse strings, telling them there is no money (ie we're broke!) when reality is they have plenty when they want to spend it.

I feel broke all the time, but that is from not having much my whole life until recently.  Even now, finally actually having a savings account, and a  retirement account, I still feel like the cloud of not having enough is over my head; and consequently I don't spend much, as my brain always says I can't afford nice things...   

Money is the downfall of many relationships,  trans or  not.


Jay

[Sean]

Money is the downfall of many relationships,  trans or  not.

This.

It sounds like you've already identified how to get started here, Paul. Getting more involved in family budgeting is part of it. Also, transitioning is expensive, and it sounds like you're figuring out how much you need to prioritize within that. I think even among transitioning expenses, it's important to figure out the differences between needs and wants. For example, I *need* to spend the $ to publish my court ordered name change, because I need to be able to safely work and travel in male ID. I *want* to go to the barber once every 4 weeks to maintain my nice masculine haircut.

I also wanted to chime in that there are multiple ways to work together with your spouse, even if you have different ideas about dealing with money. For some people, it works better to budget together the whole pool of family net income - e.g., you sit down every month and go over the big (and small - it adds up!) spending. For other people, it can work better to separate money almost immediately into 'accounts' - necessities (food, rent, etc.), kids, yours, his. I know this works well for one couple I'm friends with that each considers the other's discretionary spending to be frivolous. It removes the judgment from it. But it does force you to make value decisions to begin with about what is necessity about and not (e.g., health care related to trans is health care in my book, ID so you can ultimately work as the proper gender, etc.), which makes this still require some good communication in how you set it up.

A few additional thoughts:
- Mint.com is absolutely amazing at helping you budget and see where your money goes
- Even if he is the primary income earner, make sure that you are each building up a good credit rating by making responsible use of credit and maintaining bills in each of your names
- Please make sure you are carrying proper life & disability insurance on each of you, due to the kids (most employees are insufficiently covered & most stay at home parents WOEFULLY undercovered or not even covered at all!)