Helping others

[Layn]

a long while ago i read a post on a forum that was extremely confusing and self-contradictory, but i understood from it that that person was transsexual. I sent a PM asking, and received one back which said no but again was really confusing and self-contradictory. what i basically got from it, yes she was born a boy but feels like a girl, but for some reason she felt she had to endure the pain. over a long period we exchanged more PMs with me arguing that you should pursue what makes you happy.

one day i got a PM back saying she had accepted she was transsexual and was going to pursue transition. I just thought "holy. ->-bleeped-<-." i just had changed someones life without knowing them personally and i hadn't done anything for my transition either so far, so what do i know anyway?
i couldn't and can't feel good about apparently having helped someone, because i... have i even done the right thing? is she really transsexual or is she something else in the transgender spectrum and i've misguided her? have i made her aware of everything that transitioning entails? have i made her aware of all the options?
i did tell her to participate in online communities and also ask questions there, but apparently i've become some hope-giving mentor somehow.
and she goes into some pretty dark corners where i don't know how to support her...

i think i'm just worrying too much, but it IS a bit too much weight on me when i'm just struggling myself...

does anyone have any advice on... giving others advice?

[Colleen Ireland]

I never give advice, because I'm just not qualified.  However, if I can give someone information they can use, then I do.  Someone indicates they are looking for an endo or a gender therapist, and I see they're in my area, I can give them names.  Other than that, if I see someone who is obviously in pain, I am drawn to try to provide support such as I can.  But only that person can decide for themselves (with whatever professional help is available) whether they are trans or not, and/or what to do about it.

[annette]

Hi Layn

I don't know what advice you've precisly given but when that person goes the way to transition she first have to see a therapist before making this journey.
A therapist is educated for it and will examen or that person is a tg or not because of other psycological problems.
But, it was a good lesson, take care with your words on the keyboard coz it's there black on white.
When you meet somebody in person you can say you've ment it another way but that's quite difficult on a keyboard especially in a foreingh language.
But your intention was good, you wanted to help another person with a problem.
I'll hope you're a bit reassured now.

Glückliches neues Jahr

hugs
annette

[Randi]

Just the other day someone on Susan's indicated they were going to end it. I thought it would be proper to extend a few words of support and say hang on things will get better. Some others here seem to think those kinds of words are just useless prattle and vain ideas of little or no value to the recipient. If it were me who was struggling I would want to hear those words to help me see that tomorrow will be another day and there will be another chance to get things right. To my way of thinking if you think you can help-by all means do so-and let the recipient take it or leave it. If someone is struggling I think we should try to help and be positive but not negative which might cloud the thoughts of the person struggling and lead them down dark paths to find a remedy for the problems at hand.

Giving advice is always a two sided thing-damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is an old saying that goes "No good deed goes unpunished" meaning that you will always find those who don't appreciate it when you try to do something good.
Just do the best that you can and let the cards fall where they will. Help where you can-abstain where you can't.
My 2 cents worth.
Randi

[Jillieann Rose]

I am glad others at Susan's have supported me. Gave me advice and showed me that life was still worth living.
Otherwise I'm sure I wouldn't be alive today.
So please don't worrying too much. Help a person when you can by sharing what you know and in doing so you will be telling them that your care. And we all need to have other care for us.
Jillieann

[spacial]

Layn.

I may be disagreeing with some other opinions here, but I think you did exactly the right thing.

I don't see any harm in giveing advice to people, provided it's well meant and more importantly, we can accept if they don't take it.

After all, she was clearly looking for advice. Beliveing she just has to suffer is a sad state of afairs and one which many find themselves.

To look at this another way. What would have happened to that girl if you had ignored her, as I'm sure many have done?

[Rock_chick]

There is someone on the site, who sent me a PM out of the blue back when i first joined. It was encouragement rather than advice, but it was just what i needed to hear at the time. I do the same on a fairly regular basis because at the start, all the challenges that you face seem pretty much insurmountable, but even just one tiny PM can help you see that things aren't as bad as you'd think.

[Amazon D]

Helping others makes life worth living. 

God knows i have tried 

and yes it doesn't always work out and sometimes tough love is the best so turn it over to above and keep on caring for others

[JohnR]

Déjà Vu

[tvc15]

I think you did the right thing. Some people just don't know they have options. I mean as soon as I heard the term "transgender" I knew it applied to me, but I dared not learn anything about it because I figured there was nothing I could do about it anyway.

I've been using the computer from a young age, and one time I saw a post on a forum like the one you described. The person said she was born male but felt female, and it was the first time I had ever heard of other people going through something similar to what I was dealing with. I wanted to send her a message and say, "Wow, I know how you feel, I'm the opposite of your situation," but I never did. I just kind of read through the replies of people saying, "That's weird, I couldn't imagine feeling like that." I still wonder what would have happened if I tried. But seriously, I was glad to know that at least I wasn't alone. Things like that can build up over time and finally make the person realize that, no, you don't have to be trapped in a body you aren't comfortable in. That's how it was for me, and I hope it was the same for this girl.

[Layn]

thanks for the answers!

i guess what scares me most about this is that someone trusts me when i don't even trust myself. also that she goes into some pretty dark places and i hope i can give her the support she seems to need

[Jillieann Rose]

Layn,
Maybe you can get her to join Susan's so we can help.
Jillieann