So pissed at my snarky, manipulative mother!

[Jacquelyn]

Wow, I wasn't aware you weren't allowed to vent in the PMS Zone without being attacked, my mistake!

What is this being hung up about the food? No I don't have any food here, why? I've been making my going out for food or shopping for groceries my chance to go out in girl mode, because (a) it's really the only chance I have to do it, and  (b) it's been helping building my confidence about being out in public, something I've struggled with a lot...... these are bad reasons apparently?  Can I go out in guy mode and use my own car, sure...... does that net me any progress? None whatsoever. I live in a small'ish town and have been paranoid about outing myself too soon or the chance of being seen by my boss, I would lose my job for sure, hence why I haven't wanted to use my vehicle in girl mode. Not an ideal situation, but valid enough reasons I think to ask to borrow hers.


And yes, I am 27 years old, by the way, I've supported myself and lived exclusively on my own since I was 17. This is the first time I've returned home to my mother, and the only reason that happened is because my 4 year relationship ended very abruptly and I was forced to move. I didn't ask for this and I certianly did not want to move in with my mother, she invited me her knowing full well what the deal was with my transition. I work a full time job, I pay rent here, I pay for my own food, I keep quite and clean up after myself; so I'm not just living here, not working and moocing off her like you have made it out to be.  When we first began to have a few problems, I had her come to a therapy session with me, where she said she had no problem with either my transition or me being here as long as I needed. As it turns out, this is not the case!

I don't plan on being here any longer than I have to, thankfully after some talking, I can stay here for a few more months, but it has been made clear to me that I can not dress or share any transition stuff with her while I'm living in this home as she wants no part of it..... the woman who stated in therapy last week she had no issues whatsoever with all of this.

I'm not letting this stop me, all it's done is made it clear that cutting ties with her as soon as I can is going to lead to a lot less heartache for both of us in the end. I will bide my time her, try to stay out of the house as much as possible and continue to work on saving money so this situation with her will be as temporary as possible.

That's where I stand now, would you like to pick that apart too?

~Sara

Sara,

I think that your plan is fine. You obviously know your boundries, and that is something that other people struggle with. You need to set your comfort zone, and then work to expand it. I do hope that things look up for you, and again, not knowing what part of the country (if you are in the US?) you are in it's hard to give advice insofar as how trans-friendly the area is that you are living in. I know Craigslist can be a great way to find housing and you can look for a transfriendly roommate anonymously. 

Best of luck, and keep your head up!

Hugs,

Jackie

PS. You are looking faaaabulous! 

[Miss_Anthropic]

Thanks Jackie, wish I looked as great as you!

I live in the Blue Ridge Mountians of Virginia. Not exactly the best place to find a trans friendly roomie, I haven't had great success with roomies in the past anyhow, they're always so messy! I have been scouring Craigslist, maybe I'll get lucky and something will pop up, but I'm not going to put myself in a situation that's worse than the one I'm already in.

I have no issues with moving and once I'm ready to go full-time I will, but as of right now I just don't have the funds to nail down a place of my own somewhere and be able to sustain until I find work, the job situation is pretty terrible in VA, NC (most likely place I'd go). Sorta stuck at the moment 

~Sara

[Jacquelyn]

Awww, thanks Sara, I think your gorgeous though!

What is it that you do exactly? Would it be feasible/would it be something you would actually consider/enjoy to move to a city? You're not crazy far from DC, Philadelphia, or NYC which are all a bit more transfriendly than I could see that area being.

[CaitJ]

That's where I stand now, would you like to pick that apart too?

~Sara

*Prod, poke* Nope, seems pretty unpickable 
I do have a serious question though: what if your mom didn't have a car, or her car was damaged beyond repair?

[kody2011]

Sara-

U go girl!! That's standing up for urself!

[Miss_Anthropic]

Awww, thanks Sara, I think your gorgeous though!

What is it that you do exactly? Would it be feasible/would it be something you would actually consider/enjoy to move to a city? You're not crazy far from DC, Philadelphia, or NYC which are all a bit more transfriendly than I could see that area being.

This going to sound weird, but I actually make false teeth/dentures and orthodontic appliances, been doing it for 8? years now. I actually work at the same place as my mother (I was there first, so don't start the "she got you a job too?!"), which makes this situation a little more difficult. I love DC and have spent a fair amount of time in the area, but it is soo expensive and the job market up there is so demanding, I honestly don't think it would be possible for me to find work, but you never know.... I should put some apps. in up that way. Not sure about Philly or NYC.

One area I frequent fairly often and have seriously considered is Greensboro, NC, which I like a lot and I've always heard was very trans-friendly.... how much truth is in that, I don't know. One thing that holds me back on moving, is I'd really rather move after I go full time and can start fresh, not looking foward to starting a new job and coming out shortly after I start. Who knows though, if the situation calls for it, I can deal.
 

*Prod, poke* Nope, seems pretty unpickable 
I do have a serious question though: what if your mom didn't have a car, or her car was damaged beyond repair?

Honestly, I'd just be more choosy about when I'd go out, I'd go out later and likely only do stuff in the next town over (30min away) where no one knows me. It wouldn't stop me from going out; being able to use a car that blends in merely lowers the chances of an accidental outing and makes things much more convient. My mother tried to say "Well, you're just ashamed of this, you should be" and that is not it at all, she doesn't understand the coming out process at all, and thinks all you can do is blurt it out and see what happens.

She doesn't understand how I could be passable and thinks I'm a freak, I'm sure she's trying to protect me in her own weird way, but I feel like that is secondary to her trying to look out for her own interests.... mother of a ->-bleeped-<-, gasp! This from the same woman who proudly proclaims every chance she can that we had a live-in lesbian friend/baby sitter when my sister and I were young and how her cousin was gay. Like the quietly racist "I have plenty of black friends" person...... 

She didn't come home this evening and hasn't spoken to me today other than for a few minutes to bitch me out because my sister rode by and saw the police here this morning, checking in on me (friends were sure I was going to commit suicide, good call on their part....) btw, if you have painted toe nails and present as a guy, cops spot it right away!   

~Sara

[Melody Maia]

You are so pretty Sara. Never doubt your ability to pass. Your mom is more fearful about how this will reflect on her and she is blinded by her preconception of you as a boy.

I am concerned at your intimation that you were suicidal today? Please don't go there. Talk to your friends in RL and here on Susan's or talk to your therapist, but don't give up. You have a bright future.

[Miss_Anthropic]

Thanks Melody, btw you look fantastic in your new avatar, no way the age on your profile is correct!

The night all of this went down I was very suicidal, I haven't been in quite a while..... but the feeling of everything I've been working for being ripped away and my mothers rejection was more than I could take. I tried to talk to the few friends who know me in RL and they either didn't get it, or in the case of my ex-gf.... completely ignored me. I did talk to a few friends from here and if it weren't for them, I don't think I would've came thru this, thank you to those girls.... you know who you are.

One of the only close friends I have in RL, who doesn't know about all of this was the one who actually came to check on me and when he got no answer called the cops. I had dinner with him last night and hung out with him and his wife nad he told me if I need a place to stay or anything, just let him know. He's kinda politically conservative, I really hope he will accept my transition when the time comes, because he's been a true friend.

I won't go into detals, but as I was in the process of checking out I became very angry for some reason. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, the CO2 working on my brain or something more, but I realized just how close I am to the end of this struggle. There is no way I'm going to let this haggard and bitter woman take this life away from me by projecting her own issues, frustrations and unrealized dreams onto me. She's 52 years old, renting a tiny house, driving a crappy car, working a mediocre job..... what right does she have to judge or impose her will onto me? I haven't been a model child, but I don't deserve to be her punching bag because she's angry she's nearing the end of the race in last place.

That's how I feel about things right now, how dare her?!

We were on speaking terms earlier today but we didn't talk about anything of substance, I have no idea if she's coming home tonight either. I'm not holding a grudge against her, that just isn't how I work and I don't really take much of what she said personally, just her own problems she'd like to make me believe are mine. That said, until she shows me she can add something of value to my life, I have no reason to include her in it; the door will be open, but I'm not begging her to come in.

~Sara

[CaitJ]

Do you have a therapist or counsellor?
I strongly recommend you go see one, asap.

[lilacwoman]

Two things:  Most important:  Melody looks lovely.  Unimportant: we had snow today when I was discharged from hospital so no taxis or busses to get me home so nothing fo rit but tow walk 2 miles into town to get train to get home then snow in my town so no taxis or buses again so I walked two miles up to doctors to get urgent prescription then another mile up to chemists shop to get it and then walked through the snow in my medium heels and when I get in my apartment and try to decide what my sore chin will let me eat a quick inventory shows enough food to last a month minimum including about 6 packets of long grain rice which lasts practically forever and is base of many meals.
If I and some other posters seem a little impatient about the shabby excuses some posters us its because these posters don't want to walk the miles in our shoes to get nicely transitioned.

[Miss_Anthropic]

Do you have a therapist or counsellor?
I strongly recommend you go see one, asap.

Why, do I seem cRaZy?? 


Anyway, I do have a therapist and I've spoken to him several times over the past few days. He was completely blown away by the things that have gone on with my mother because her current stance is so diametrically opposed from every word she said in the session she came to. I'm on stable footing now and he had pretty much the same views I have about her and her current state.


As for excuses, I wasn't throwing out some BS excuse about why my life is so horrible with the car/food situation, it was a minor frustration.... nothing more and last I checked, this is the proper area of the form to vent such things without having to be afraid of being attacked for saying exactly what's going thru your mind.

Ya know, I can understand the being impatient with some posters, I've been frustrated by some of those who post a new thread every day with the same endless tales of woe, and when they're given advice or options it's always "but this......but that...... I can't because...." I truly understand the frustration there. As far as I remember though.... I haven't done that here......have I? (goes back to check posts)

I dunno, I always politely say my piece once or twice and if it doesn't get thru I walk away; has worked better for me than belittling and sticking around to start a fight..... it's just not worth it to me. As someone once said, if it's not fun, it's not making you money or getting you laid.... why do it?

I don't buy into the "walk a mile in my shoes" philosophy either, I hope everyones transition goes smoothly, their parents are accepting and they get past this and blend in great. Why would you want someone else to go thru the wringer just because you had to? That seems incredibily petty to me. If transition isn't a constant struggle, have you not earned it?  Does not compute.....

~Sara

[CaitJ]

Why, do I seem cRaZy?? 

Being suicidal and trying to gas yourself is generally considered a bad sign.
You know that though, yeah? 

[Melody Maia]

Thank you for the compliments ladies.

Sara, oh yes, looking at the big 40 in just about a month, but I will take the compliment!

I am so glad you seem to have faced down a rather large demon and come out fighting on the other side. You sounded a bit defeated before, but now you sound like you are ready to take on all comers and I think that it will serve you well in your battles with your mother.

Interestingly enough, I am in not a dissimilar situation. I will be moving in with my mom in a little over a week.. I told her about the photos I posted yesterday, one of which is my avatar (you can see my other ones, including a "before" pic here https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,90021.msg653354.html#msg653354). I asked her to take a look and she gave me the "oh, my son, you are continuing with that crazy thing" (sounds different in spanish). My sister showed her the pics and she apparently didn't say a word. I don't relish presenting as female in front of her and I will be doing my best to get my ass to NYC as soon as I can get my head together and go full time. Hopefully, that won't be too long!

[Miss_Anthropic]

Being suicidal and trying to gas yourself is generally considered a bad sign.
You know that though, yeah? 

Oh yeah, I know, I've dealt with those demons before, I've been in therapy and on meds for quite some time now. I think I've got a valid excuse for stumbling this time around. Having trouble coping with rejection from the only person you thought was on your side and the only person you've ever wanted validation from is a tough pill to swallow and a tad different than crazy.

~Sara

[CaitJ]

Oh yeah, I know, I've dealt with those demons before, I've been in therapy and on meds for quite some time now. I think I've got a valid excuse for stumbling this time around. Having trouble coping with rejection from the only person you thought was on your side and the only person you've ever wanted validation from is a tough pill to swallow and a tad different than crazy.

~Sara

Sometimes it's easier when no-one is on your side. There's no rejection that way 
But everyone deals with rejection, trans or cis. Just something you gotta find coping mechanisms for.

[Miss_Anthropic]

Ain't that the truth! I'm working on it, some days are better than others!

[CaitJ]

Ain't that the truth! I'm working on it, some days are better than others!

I hope it's all better days for you from now on 

[purple sky]

It can certainly get very hard to see beyond the next day,  I too have dealt with difficult times with my parents showing all the support,  going with to sessions and being there keeping in touch, to complete strangers.  It seems the only way some people deal with it is by detaching themselves from the situation "It's your life, I m not going to support that 'so I will show you'  by abandonment " removing themselves out of the equation.  Little do they realize it causes so much unnecessary pain.  It really hurts .  I think my parents are embarrassed, and truly care what other people think more than there own flesh and blood.  It might be really difficult taking these steps but do it for yourself on your own terms and no one elses.  Stick it out until you get a plan and live your life in how you need to.  We go on and grow and get stronger!

[Miss_Anthropic]

I guess I have a little update. I spoke to my mother for a few minutes night before last, the first time we've really spoken since this all went down. She hadn't made any effort in talking to me, so I got it started; I pretty much told her how much all the things she said had hurt me and how no matter what she does or says is going to prevent this from happening.

She admited that some of it came at me out of frustration about other things going on in life (mostly bills and my drug addict sister), she doesn't really get that just because you've got other things going on in life that isn't a valid excuse to take it out on someone who did nothing. She also stated that she is weirded out by this and can't handle seeing me as Sara (the name she still doesn't know); I asked her why and she said she didn't know.

I haven't been en femme since the night everything originally happened, I haven't even wore my hair down..... trying to be respectful but it's slowly killing me. We're still not interacting much, in a few weeks I'm going to try to get her in to another therapy session with me so she can figure out why this bothers her and hopefully come up with a plan for her getting past it.

Stressful..... but not on the streets yet.

~Sara