Uh well, how to start?
I've been reading these forums for several days and kinda stood in the shadows and observed, I believe it's called lurking. Anyways... I haven't really had the guts to post here, 'cause this is the first community of people like me I will (hopefully) actually be communicating with... Call me shy
.
I guess I'm what you people call a FTM, at least I think so. I've been pondering that for 2 years now but I'm still not sure how to "categorize" myself, often comes the thought I belong nowhere
. Uhm, I live in Finland and I'm 18 years old. I study at a High School, which I can't say I really like to do. Not that the school itself sucks...
I haven't told anyone about my thoughts until now. I know it's cowardly, but this is the only place where I can open myself. I've been to a psychiatrist once due to trying to take my own life (which was quite a weak attempt). Even at her I couldn't open myself up. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible and wished she would stop staring at me and trying to burn a hole through my skull.
I know she just wanted to help I guess, but like I said I'm a jar with a jammed lid.
What else... Well my hobbies include gaming (NWN2, ArmA, Civ4, etc...), drawing, reading (I've bought nearly all the books of R.A. Salvatore's Drizzt series
), doing mods for NWN2, used to make 3d models on 3dsmax, writing stories (although I never finish them) and now I'm trying to get enough inspiration to work on a cartoon.
Music... Hmm. I like various kinds of music. I can't name one genre, but these artists are on my WMP list: ACDC, Beethoven, Breaking Benjamin, Celldweller, The Chemical Brothers, Depeche Mode, Disturbed, Eagles of Death Metal (the name is very misleading, IMO it's not death metal), Evanescence, Franz Ferdinand, Gorillaz, The Killers, Louis Armstrong, Moby, Muse (like this one alot
), NIN, Orgy, Pet Shop Boys, Rammstein, Rob Zombie, Van Halen, Wolfmother. From A to W
.
Umm.. my looks? Well... I'm not really bothered with my looks. Sure I'd like to pass as male and when I was younger people usually did mistake me for a boy. In a way it was embarassing, in a way flattering. I have long hair, round face, big bum (typical for a computer nerd
). I weigh 70kg ~ 155lbs and I'm 165cm ~ 5ft 5in tall (hope the units are right, don't want you to think I'm a midget -no offense to all the midgets here!). I've thought about getting myself in shape though since I'm interested in going to the army. I'm left handed and I wear whatever comes to my hand first from the wardrobe. I might get you a photo someday, now I'm just too shy
.
Okay, that's most of it listed.
So what are the reasons for thinking I'm a FTM.
-I've thought about being a lesbian, but I just feel it doesn't describe me. The whole word doesn't fit me. It's hard to explain... I mean I can't imagine being with someone as a girl.
-All my dreams and fantasies... I'm always a guy in them, 'cept for a few exceptions. Believe it or not I even dreamt about having a dick and (I don't want to be blunt) had a happy time with it
. ... I don't know any other way to say it nicely...
-Ok I've thought about being a girl hetero too and thought about kissing boys (I've never done that, I'm a virgin even when it comes to kissing or touching). However I can't imagine doing that, not in a girl's body nor a boy's body. Everytime I think about it.. it kinda doesn't feel right.
-At the age of 15 I started thinking that something must be "f***ed up" in my brain 'cause I'm not interested in the topics my female peers talk about. Make ups, clothes, dating guys...
-I look in the mirror and think "that body just doesn't look right...". It doesn't disgust me, I don't hate it except for the bloody part of the month. I even looked in medical sites for information about sterilization, to my disappointment they're only offered for women of age 30 or older. The body is like wearing something very uncomfortable. You get used to it, but it does bother you and you'd rather wear something which suited you more..
-On the internet, online gaming or chatting, I usually am as male. I've known an online gaming friend for 3 years, for the first year I lied to him I'm biologically male. So when I told him the truth he thought I was kidding and pulling his leg, eventually he accepted it though he thinks I'm a weirdo, figures.. should've just kept lying
. Unfortunately using voice through mic can give you away. And 'cause typing in games isn't very practical I thought I'll just tell him.
Hmm.. wow. That became quite lengthy. Well I don't mind if you can't be ar*ed reading it. I just wanted to say hello
.
