Issue with my partner

[AbbyJ]

I have an issue with my partner that deals with him "copping" some of my actions, and it has me distraught.This may take a bit of explaining, so bear with me.

I started my transition a bit over 18 months ago. When first I came out, both to myself and my partner, he wasn't too thrilled, but he quickly accepted me for who I am. I started HRT and electrolysis and everything was fine for a while. After several moths, however, on the way to the clinic where I get hair removal he tells me that he has considered getting laser done on his face. I'm told he wants to not have to worry about shaving, and to possibly look a bit younger. "Okay," I think. "That sounds reasonable." I introduce him to my technician and he gets started. (He'll now be done before me as I'm not a good candidate for laser.)

A few months later I am placed on progesterone by my doctor. As I'm talking to my partner about the new drug, and the others I take he has a question, "Are there any medications you take that would just make me less masculine, without making me look female?" It seems he has been thinking that he would look younger if he simply reduced the amount of testosterone he produces. I try to explain that living with no sex hormones, which is what he is talking about, is not at all fun or desirable. He remains undeterred and spends 4 weeks looking for different herbal supplements to block testosterone. I should add here that he describes himself as 100% cisgendered male. He has no desire (that I'm aware of) to transition. After 4 weeks he gives up.

This past fall, I was telling him about my plans at FFS for this spring. He comes up with features on his face he'd like to change for cosmetic reasons. I ask him if we can really afford the both of us getting surgery, to which he asks if I think we should both hold off. I drop the topic.

Then last night... Another conversation comes up about how I'm going to need to start hair removal "down there" in preparation for SRS in a bit ore than a year. Not surprisingly, he offers that he doesn't like some of his hair in the region, and wonders if he might be able to get that removed as well just for personal preference.

I guess my issue is that it seems every time I try to move forward on my transition he wants to mirror what I'm doing, but for reasons of curiosity or vanity. It is making the whole process feel disingenuous. I know that many would say FFS is entirely cosmetic, but for me what I'm doing is important to finding peace of mind. How do I go about telling my partner that his interest in these things is "cheapening" my transition without feeling hypocritical for not letting him do as he wishes?

[Snoeball]

Darling, I don't want to sound terribly negative about this issue you are facing, but IMO the 'cheapening' you are feeling is on you (granted he understands and listens to you about what you are going through).  What he feels he would like to do shouldn't make you feel any less special, and if it does I don't see how he should have to stop... Maybe he is just expressing that these things would make him happy because they honestly would.  If you feel that he is doing it just to 'mirror' you, it is probably just that he is being exposed to things that he has never really thought about, and he is finding that they appeal to him as well.  Remember that he is probably still growing as an individual as well, and telling him that he's 'cramping you style' or whatever seems very unfair, and even selfish.  I would not ask him to stop exploring himself because after-all he is allowing you to explore yourself and to transition, and he probably feels that he deserves the same respect.  Curiosity tends to be healthy.

Needless to say it is a unique situation!  I CAN understand the feeling of vanity however.  It makes perfect sense that you are seeking out procedures to alleviate pain, and his also wanting these procedures would definitely make it seem as if he is viewing your own as purely 'cosmetic.'  It sounds like he may not truly be aware that electro/laser, and FFS are in your case NOT cosmetic, but healthy solutions to problems in your life.  Maybe explaining to him that his wanting 'cosmetic' enhancing surgery and hair removal is making you feel that he is not understanding your situation may help.  If he is comparing yourself to himself then yes that is a problem, and it would def. make someone feel 'belittled' about transition.  Be clear that you NEED these things to be accepted as yourself, and he WANTS these things to look prettier, and make sure he understands the difference.

Best of luck to you with your partner!

[regan]

I would tell him just that...that you feel like his "copycatting" you is taking something away from your transition, and it sound like your relationship with him.  He's entitled to do what he wants, just as much as you're entitled to tell him how it makes you feel.  Maybe the two of you should talk with your therapist moderating?

[VeronikaFTH]

It kind of seems like this is a misguided attempt on his part to gain some sort of acceptance from you, or feel like he's closer to you in some way. The reasoning he gives you for it is probably to not admit that's what he's doing, or he's doing it subconsciously and that's how he rationalises his behaviour.

Honestly this kind of behaviour is seen by people who are trying to get a person to accept them, by taking part in activities that the partner likes, changing their likes/dislikes to conform to the other person's, or taking on parts of their partner's personality in some way. I've personally seen it happen a few times in relationships.

This may or may not be what he is doing, but it seems like that based on what you've described. Does he have low self esteem? Perhaps he feels he's losing you, and is trying to get closer to you in an attempt to avoid that...

[CaitJ]

I would tell him just that...that you feel like his "copycatting" you is taking something away from your transition, and it sound like your relationship with him.  He's entitled to do what he wants, just as much as you're entitled to tell him how it makes you feel.  Maybe the two of you should talk with your therapist moderating?

Yes, I've experienced this 'copycatting' from another trans woman and it's really...annoying, to say the least. It certainly does feel as though it 'cheapens' your transition, especially if you're not sure whether or not the person is trans, or just doing it to be one of the Cool Kids™.
I think the OP needs to have a very frank discussion with partner about the situation and raise these issues.

[AbbyJ]

Thank you for the advice. I plan on having a talk with him soon to see if these area ll things he really wants for himself, or if it is some type of subconscious attempt to be empathetic. I suppose as long as he understands the gravity of what I'm doing, I can't really complain that he is happy.