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Is this "life" even worth it?

Started by Britney♥Bieber, January 13, 2011, 12:51:03 AM

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Britney♥Bieber

So I talked to my mom a little bit tonight, well I tried to. Neither of my parents have any interest in talking to me about my transition or how I feel about myself, as much as I have tried to reach out to them. I'm dying to scream at them "Please support me, I need you I love you. Love me back, please!" But I'm paralyzed with fear. It took me weeks to ask my parents to go with me to therapy but they both said they didn't wanna talk about it, my dad even said he doesn't support me but that doesn't mean he doesn't support me with everything else. My mom didn't say anything hurtful but her refusal to talk to me left me hurt and feeling like ->-bleeped-<-. I'm starting to question everything and I just don't even know if this is worth what I'm giving up. Like I started this ->-bleeped-<- because I wasn't happy as a boy, I never have been and I don't think I ever will be. I'd rather be dead. But now how am I going to be happy when I'm stuck living with people who don't support me? I feel unloved, alienated, ugly, alone, stupid, selfish, hated, crazy...the list goes on. At least before I would just blab to my friends about how unhappy I was. Now thanks to hormones I feel everything 100 times more. When its just me I feel good about myself, I feel like I finally look somewhat right, and and I'm getting happier with myself. Then I leave my room and hear michael, he, him and it kills me. I don't know what to do and I just feel like nothing right now. I feel dead, I don't know if I'm being dramatic but right now I don't think I would care if I gave up everything and everyone and just died. I don't want to die though. I want to live, and feel beautiful. And get married to a great guy in a beautiful dress and have kids and a career and a home. I just want a normal happy life and I don't feel like I could ever have that, transition or not. I just feel like I'm digging myself into a bigger and bigger hole and I'm not gonna ever be able to climb out. I don't know what to do. I'm alone.

CaitJ

*Big hugs*
Oh sis, it sucks being put in that position  :(
Do you have the means to move out and live on your own? If they don't support you, then you should try and find a place to be in where you're either on your own, or with people who DO support you.
It's a shame you don't live over here.  :-\
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Britney♥Bieber

Quote from: Vexing on January 13, 2011, 12:54:48 AM
*Big hugs*
Oh sis, it sucks being put in that position  :(
Do you have the means to move out and live on your own? If they don't support you, then you should try and find a place to be in where you're either on your own, or with people who DO support you.
It's a shame you don't live over here.  :-\

I wish I did. :( I told my sister its just motivation to getting a job and getting the hell out of here but since i haven't been in school for a while, it'll take about two years. :( I'm screwed. I just want to be happy and I feel like I did something to not deserve it.

CaitJ

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 13, 2011, 12:56:07 AM
I wish I did. :( I told my sister its just motivation to getting a job and getting the hell out of here but since i haven't been in school for a while, it'll take about two years. :( I'm screwed. I just want to be happy and I feel like I did something to not deserve it.

Hey, at least you're beautiful  :D And on these forums you're surrounded by people who care about you.
I haven't yet met someone who had a flawless transition. Hang in there.
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Britney♥Bieber

Quote from: Vexing on January 13, 2011, 12:58:01 AM
Hey, at least you're beautiful  :D And on these forums you're surrounded by people who care about you.
I haven't yet met someone who had a flawless transition. Hang in there.

I will. Thank you Cait. I don't feel so alone anymore.  :-\

MyKa

Alone is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I feel for you and know exactly what your going through. I've been single know for three years and there are numerous times where i lay there in bed crying myself to sleep. I wish i could say that things will get better but at this point there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you
Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today.....J.Dean
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Britney♥Bieber

Quote from: MyKa on January 13, 2011, 01:00:01 AM
Alone is the absolute worst feeling in the world. I feel for you and know exactly what your going through. I've been single know for three years and there are numerous times where i lay there in bed crying myself to sleep. I wish i could say that things will get better but at this point there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you

I've been single my whole life.

xAndrewx

Sweetheart your not alone. And I know for a fact many people on here care about you so much! Having grown up on female hormones *cringe* I know that sometimes they can make you feel emotions more than you should have to. Sometimes I would randomly cry for no reason. So try to figure that in when things become really hard. When I first started out my mom and my family refused to use correct pronouns. They shut me out when I tried to talk to them about it. A year later it's gotten better. Maybe the same will happen for you. Just think, is it worth living a life as someone you aren't to make them happy? You are inspiring and amazing. You have so much to give to the world. Just try to give it some more time maybe?  :-\

Melody Maia

As Cait said, you are young and beautiful. You deserve as much happiness as anyone. Do not let anyone make you feel unworthy or less of a person. Your time will come.
and i know that i'm never alone
and i know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody



O
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Britney♥Bieber

Quote from: Andrew Scott on January 13, 2011, 01:03:50 AM
Sweetheart your not alone. And I know for a fact many people on here care about you so much! Having grown up on female hormones *cringe* I know that sometimes they can make you feel emotions more than you should have to. Sometimes I would randomly cry for no reason. So try to figure that in when things become really hard. When I first started out my mom and my family refused to use correct pronouns. They shut me out when I tried to talk to them about it. A year later it's gotten better. Maybe the same will happen for you. Just think, is it worth living a life as someone you aren't to make them happy? You are inspiring and amazing. You have so much to give to the world. Just try to give it some more time maybe?  :-\

Thanks so much Andrew. I've been trying to give them time, they've known for maybe 5 months, and I've been on hormones almost 4, and nothing has changed. I just want to get out of here so bad. I love you guys. Life savers.

Quote from: Melody on January 13, 2011, 01:06:07 AM
As Cait said, you are young and beautiful. You deserve as much happiness as anyone. Do not let anyone make you feel unworthy or less of a person. Your time will come.

Thanks Melody. :)

MyKa

I applaud you for even coming out to your parents! That's one hurdle i'm going to try to cross tomorrow.
Dream as if you'll live forever, Live as if you'll die today.....J.Dean
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Britney♥Bieber

Quote from: MyKa on January 13, 2011, 01:24:07 AM
I applaud you for even coming out to your parents! That's one hurdle i'm going to try to cross tomorrow.

Thanks. Honestly if I wasn't living with them, I probably would have not said anything and just saved myself the drama and cut them out at the start.

wannalivethetruth

 i know exactly how you feel, if not..very close. When i get in moods like this im say to myself...im human first, before anything. I have a mind and emotions just like any human being on this earth. i cry i get upset at times. just like a human being. I am. I deserve to be happy...and one day everything will...ill have my husband and my kids and they will be proud i didnt give up...because if i would have..there would be no them. Hugsss***
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Britney♥Bieber

Quote from: RoseBlossom on January 13, 2011, 02:00:46 AM
i know exactly how you feel, if not..very close. When i get in moods like this im say to myself...im human first, before anything. I have a mind and emotions just like any human being on this earth. i cry i get upset at times. just like a human being. I am. I deserve to be happy...and one day everything will...ill have my husband and my kids and they will be proud i didnt give up...because if i would have..there would be no them. Hugsss***

I'll never give up. Thank you <3



Seriously everyone, thank you so much for the support. I feel a little better, and I hope I can go back to feeling normal tomorrow. I wish I hadn't talked to my mom cuz I'd been having a great week so far. =/ OF COURSE. Thanks boys and girls. Much much much love.

Suzy Johnson

Some very wonderful comments have been made here, and I would like to add by saying,

Yes, life is so very worth it!! And you being around is really making the whole world a better place, even if others are causing you to feel self doubt and have started the wheels to turning to make you feel that you don't count for anything.

You have so much to give to this world and don't even realize it. Give yourself a break, your only human and your not alone either, you have many sisters here in your corner. Ok, lets see, lets start by making a list of all the things that make you that special girl that you really are.

your very beautiful, really pretty.
your young, you have your whole life ahead of you.
your very tender hearted and sincere about what you feel and care of others feelings too.
your very smart, and you already know what you want from life and have goals, many people don't even know what they really want until its to late.
all things point to, that your a classy lady.

Start making plans now for what you want to do and where you want to be 5, 10 and 20 years from now, write it all down and make your plans, look at them everyday, short and long term plans. Educate yourself so you can make a good income, because let me tell you girl , living well is the best revenge and a good education will give you the tools you need to survive and make your plans come to be. 

Involve yourself in charity's and become a volunteer, you will be amazed how rewarding it is to be able to help others.

Remember that you are just a valuable as anyone, and that this situation with your parents is only temporary. Respect them and be kind to them, tell them how much you love them too, help them when they need it, but also remind them that you where born this way, there are many like you, and since you respect them, could they give your feelings the same respect, is that to much to ask.

I hope this helps, cheer up, your really awesome !!

Suzy


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insideontheoutside

Quote from: Britney♥Bieber on January 13, 2011, 01:25:45 AM
Thanks. Honestly if I wasn't living with them, I probably would have not said anything and just saved myself the drama and cut them out at the start.

It's a hard decision to make to actually transition and it's equally hard for your parents. Even the most liberal and open-minded parents feel something when their little girl or little boy they raised tells them that they're the wrong sex. Parents can think it's maybe something they did or didn't do .... or worse - they could be the types that think being transsexual goes against their religion or any number of things. A parent could have long held prejudices against these types of things that even a love for their own flesh and blood can't overcome sometimes - sometimes they can with time. Some parents have spent decades dealing with their offspring one way and overnight are expected to just accept and be okay and use the proper pronouns, etc.

I'm certainly not "sticking up" for the behavior of a parent because I do believe in unconditional love when it comes to your own kids but it doesn't work that way unfortunately for everyone. The important point I want to make is it's no fault of yours. If you are doing what you feel is correct and comfortable for your own self, you are better off than doing nothing and wanting to die.

And yes, female hormones can make you totally "emo"! So that's another factor that's not really your fault. All you can do is stay on the path that feels right and use your support network here or if you have close friends that are supporting you. Cling to the things that make you feel better in general and about yourself. You are really beautiful on the outside and I'm sure you are in the inside as well. Just hang in there :)
"Let's conspire to ignite all the souls that would die just to feel alive."
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VeryGnawty

QuoteIs this "life" even worth it?

Worth what?

There's not much of anything worth much in this world.  Relatively, life comes off as something fairly decent.  I guess the answer to the question depends on what measure you are using.
"The cake is a lie."
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Cruelladeville

Hey Britney....

Yer not alone as such in the ethereal sense.... as many of us (here) have been in the exact same spot you be.... or think yourself to be right now.

(And we all have black moments in the darkside still, no matter how outwardly successful we might seem)

And when yer a youngster and reliant on family for shelter/survival.... then it's an uber-bummer if they be the type of parents that simply can't deal with your dysphoria..... again this is a very common deal.

My relationship with my Ma (still living) is appalling as she's an avid religious nut.... and has always blamed my now long dead Pa for my condition...

Fortunately I've never, ever had to rely on her for anything emotional, financial or otherwise.... and she's not the kind of person you'd want turning up at your hospital bedside bible clutching either.....lol

Saying prayers for someone (nice idea) but for me hands on practical help wins hands-down every time.... which is why my surgery buddy will be with me in two weeks time.

So do get out more physically Britney, and build a real-life not (online) buddy network....

You have many things going for you (yer good-looking lol) and being on HRT now is more likely to see you getting emotional for sure... but try to keep focused on what is working for you rather than what is not.

And stick with improving things in little ways for yourself that you do have full-control over, and slowly you will get to where you need to be.

Its taken me twenty years to reach a time/place where I can concentrate on some second stage makeovers.... and tis been a v.hard slog to get here....

But one thing about many TG folk I've come to realise is our unswerving spirit to make it through against all the odds....and to overcome the many difficulties.

(Sisters do keep doing it for themselves for sure)

So hold that thought, grit yer teeth girlie..... and make sure you get a good nights sleep as oft you can.... and look to tomorrow to be a brighter better day....

Take care....
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rejennyrated

Brit

Look you have it tough now, there is no doubting that! I really feel for you, but when you are in a dark tunnle the only thing to do is walk towards the light! (and hope that it isn't an oncoming train ;D)

The tunnel might be a long one. It may take you some time to reach the end, but one day you will look back, the transition will be done, the HRT will be done, the SRS will be done and hopefully you won't be living with mum and dad.

Then things will be better. In the meantime as others have said what you need to know is that you are not alone, because there are thousands of others who have walked the same road. All of them do eventually make it out, as long as they don't give up, and so will you!
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Angela

Britney, I know it is tough right now, but at least both your parents are still supportive of you. They may not support your transitioning, but give it time. It could change in a few years. I dont think you should dwell on this, this should be a fun time in your life. Just concentrate on your transition for now, and things will work themselves out. Love you Brit !! :-*
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