Shouldn't I be more excited?

[Jamie-o]

It's looking more likely that I may actually be able to go for top surgery in March.  I think I've figured out how to pay for it, and with a little luck I will have inexpensive accommodations in FL taken care of.  But there are still more hurdles to jump before it is definite.  I still have to figure out what my options are as far as getting time off goes, and everything still has to be finalized.  Still, I should be excited that I may be mere weeks from finally getting rid of the fat bags.

And yet, I find myself feeling a bit conflicted.  I'm not sure if it's nerves about the surgery, and/or the finality of it.  Or if it's a feeling of being overwhelmed by everything that still needs to be done.  Or maybe it's fear of becoming too invested when it might not pan out?  Has anyone else had this experience?  How did you deal with it?

[envie]

I'd say its combination of all what you mention as the possible reasons to feel rather conflicted than just excited.
You are so close to fulfilling what sounds like your long term goal/need and yet it might not work out. And even if it does your mind is spinning trying to line up everything in order to succeed with your plan. However there is a sort of jump into the new and unknown part of your life that does involve a surgery and the recovery from it.

Good luck to you!

[Debra]

I agree. It's probably a combination of all of those. And it's perfectly normal. Sometimes it helps to talk them through with somebody.

Hope it all goes well!

[Ender]

I recall not feeling particularly giddy about top surgery and I did wonder about that.  Just from others' posts about pending top surgeries... well, they sound ecstatic.  I was not looking forward to top surgery so much as looking forward to being fully healed.  But a lot had to happen to get to that point: first safely driving 10+ hours in the middle of winter, getting to the appointments on time in a strange city, the surgery itself, then healing up a little bit, driving the 10 hours back, and healing for the next several months (while keeping fingers crossed that the final result will look OK and that there won't be complications).  I felt... more a quiet mental preparation for all of that, instead of sheer happiness about finally having my chest fixed.

I got to feel the giddyness when I realized that I was healed enough to go swimming shirtless and that my new apartment complex had a pool.

Also: if something is going to happen that means a lot to me, I have a hard time getting excited about it.  I'll be happy when it has actually happened, when I actually see it--until then, it's almost too good to be true.  Geez, that sounds pessimistic, but it's true.

[sneakersjay]

Top surgery didn't excite me all that much.  True, I hated the lumps, but not to the degree I hated other things.  I do remember thinking when I was sitting in the apartment in SF, are you really gonna lop your boobs off??  It seemed kind of surreal.  I don't miss them and like my new chest, but the whole process was more another thing I had to do to get transition over with, but not terribly exciting.  OTOH getting my new weiner.... LOL


Jay

[kyril]

I have a hard time imagining not being giddy about not having to bind/wear a bra. All I want is to be able to just wear a shirt! I don't even care if I look deformed with it off...sigh. I guess I do, but it's a low priority.

That said, it's expensive and a big step and you don't get to see all the results you want immediately (yeah, the lumps are gone, but they're replaced by bandages and then postsurgical binding and then scars and scar treatments...it's a months-long process and I expect it's hard to get that "kid-on-Christmas" feeling about it.

[Radar]

And yet, I find myself feeling a bit conflicted. I'm not sure if it's nerves about the surgery, and/or the finality of it. Or if it's a feeling of being overwhelmed by everything that still needs to be done. Or maybe it's fear of becoming too invested when it might not pan out? Has anyone else had this experience? How did you deal with it?

I had those feelings. There is alot of work and planning with top surgery. I also had to prepare for my Mom's visit plus you have to plan for after surgery. There's alot of things you can't do for 4-6 weeks after surgery so things have to be finished beforehand and solutions planned. I also feared that something would happen that would postpone or cancel my top surgery.

I was elated about top surgery but also stressed. Work had been very stressful and there were the holidays too so I didn't get to obsessively think about my top surgery (which might have been a good thing). I actually didn't get really excited about the top surgery until a week before. So, I'd say your feelings aren't abnormal.

I agree with Ender on the final result. I'm relieved the surgery's done but what I'm really looking forward to is the months ahead when I can see the final results. However, the thought of never wearing a binder again is pure win.

[wendy]

Hey surgery is not fun! 

I got the name of a doctor from my endo that removes 2 smaller items.  I finally got the nerve to call the person and he told me that he no longer did that procedure.  Wow.  I was a teacher at the time and my summer was over.  I had to wait until the next summer and I had a woman urologist do it. 

If the doctor were to tell you, "We no longer do that surgery."  How would you feel?  If you feel a sense of anger then this means you probably want it done.  If you feel a sense of relief than just delay your surgery.  It is some leap of faith to act on how you feel when your family tells you that you are wrong.

I have found each step difficult but it turned out to be the right decision for me.  Does your heart tell you it is the correct decision rather than are you excited about a surgery.