With Zythrya and Leslie's permission I would like to explain fully and in more detail why I think of myself as girl and not a woman. I have given some of my reasons for thinking this above, but I have come up with more reasons and I will be offering examples in support of these reasons.
However, before doing so, I think that it is important to make it clear that when I say that I am a girl, I am not saying that I think of myself as a child. What I am saying is that I have recognised that while I am female I am not qualified to call myself a woman due to a general lack of adult female experience. This presented a problem, if I am female but not yet able to consider myself a woman what could I consider myself? Calling myself female but not a woman, or calling myself a woman but secretly knowing that I still had a great deal to learn seemed wrong and deceitful. Thinking of myself as female but not a woman,or a girl was embarrassing and silly,and it didn't solve my problem. I was searching for an identity that recognised my femaleness but would also explain any perceived naivety, and my natural playfulness/silliness. I also wanted to be entirely open and honest with myself and with others. So that ruled out downplaying what I have come to see as my girlishness and not trying to talk about things that I didn't properly understand, or didn't have full knowledge or experience of.
So what category would allow me to express myself fully without deceiving myself or others? The terms 'trainee-woman' and 'apprentice woman' popped into my head, but I dismissed them as utterly ridiculous. It was then that I realised that a category already existed that fitted me like a glove and it was the category: Girl. Saying to myself 'Stephanie you are a girl' didn't seem strange at all. Thinking about this over the next few hours it became clearer and clearer that everything about me said 'Girl'. I had found what I was seeking, by accepting unconditionally that I was a girl, my femaleness was acknowledged, and I was being entirely open and honest with myself and others. I am still delighted by finally understanding myself.
I wished that I had come to terms with being a girl several years ago. It would have saved me a lot of time, trouble, and wasted energy. I was that adamant that I was a woman that I caused a lot anger to others and brought a lot of stress and strain upon myself.
Many people here know that I was a long-term member of a womans' website, and that I had quite a few problems with some of the women. I also felt that they were sending me mixed signals. I was allowed to stay a member of that website for several years, and I was even able to post in the 'Women Only' Board without too much fuss. A few members didn't like me doing this, so to please them I generally stopped posting in that forum, even though most of the women said nothing about me posting in there. This shows quite a considerable acceptance of me. However, things went down hill over a long period of time and I can see now that it was almost entirely my fault.
When I first went there I expressed myself honestly. I talked about things that interested me, what I was doing and how I saw the world. I didn't hide my femininity from them at all. I was playful and affectionate and so were they to me. As a consequence I was very popular. No one was offended by my feminine attitude and behaviour. In fact it was actively encouraged. I would tell them funny things my dog had done, what my favourite nail polish and perfume were and many similar things. I even suggested that we start a forum Fashion Club where interested members could post pictures of clothes that they liked and we would critique them together! Even though this was a serious forum debating serious issues some members did post pictures asking me what I thought of this dress or those shoes.
However, as I said above, this was a serious forum and I soon felt that I was distracting the other members from forum business, and I also felt that I had to 'earn my keep' at the forum, which meant offering a sympathetic ear to women and giving them advice. Conscious of my lack of adult female experience I decided that I could best contribute in the short term by cutting back on my threads/posts and letting the other members get on with helping other women. Soon I felt the call to contribute to a more serious thread, after all wasn't I doing a 4 year BA(Hons) degree course in History? I felt that I could contribute to a serious discussion. I posted my opinion in a thread about politics – giving the background to the discussion because I just happened to be studying that period at that time. I was however dismayed to see my contribution ignored. The next time I gave advice trying to help a woman with two small children decide whether to leave her abusive husband. I wrote that she should take her children and leave. I was told that this was too simplistic advice. The woman had children, one boy was settled at school and the other was just getting ready to start at school. The mother was thinking of the disruption and emotional damage leaving home would do to her small sons. I was told women always put their children before themselves, so more mature advice would have been to stay with her husband for the time being but seek help from the police and from guidance counsellors. This was of course much better advice but I didn't realise then that I was a girl pretending to be a woman, so I was offended by the general attitude of 'sweetie it was nice that you tried to help but this was perhaps too difficult a case for you to start with'. I though that they were trying to insult my intelligence and I was really angry. I was 18 and a woman so I thought how dare they talk to me as if I were empty-headed little girl.
Time went by I became more angry and resentful(moody and petulant are more accurate descriptions) of what I continued to believe was their condescension towards me and my advice. The truth was I was giving advice that was more suited to a young teenage girl rather than the woman I was pretending to be. I posted some angry threads and some women said to me 'ok you say that you are a woman? Right the gloves are off. You want to be a woman? Then we'll treat you like a woman, we'll give you no more quarter'. Other women coped with my petulance by being passive and ignoring me. Once the gloves came off my advice was carefully and thoroughly critiqued. Did I have a boyfriend or any experience with men? Answer : No. Had I every been in an abusive relationship? Answer: No. Had I ever been pregnant? Answer: No. I could go on but you get the point. They were showing me that I had zero experience of being an adult female. I heartily wish that I had realised then that I was a girl in mind, attitude, and in general behaviour. This was when some women decided that as I wasn't behaving like a woman I must be a man and that is when the 'he', 'his' and 'him' started. I was extremely hurt and angry that these genetic women whose acceptance I craved like a drowning man craves air were rejecting me and telling me I wasn't a woman!
I should point out that not everyone thought like this. Some of the woman with teenage daughters or granddaughters probably recognised my behaviour as being far more like a girl than a woman, and they would come to my defence occasionally.
Looking back at my time there, I realise that they knew what I was right from the start. They were perfectly willing to accept me as a girl, but no I had to give advice about things I didn't know anything about because I was a woman wasn't I? Had I realised the truth about myself then. I would have come out and admitted – as I am doing now – that I am a girl rather than a woman. I would have been able to sit at their feet so-to-speak and I would have learnt a great deal, and been further down the road to genuine womanhood.
As I said at the beginning I am delighted to finally call myself something that feels good, accurate, and doesn't deceive anyone. I am also aware that I have had a wonderful insight into my situation and character. By embracing the fact that I am girl rather than a woman I feel so much better, lighter, and much more relaxed and honest. I also realised that pretending to be a woman was insulting to both my mother and sister. My sister is 18 and has a good deal more experience in womanhood than I do. Yet I just loftily announced that I was a woman. I had gone from being a young man(at least to everyone but me) to a woman with a click of my fingers and with the utmost ease. I said that I was a woman therefore I must be a woman, which was what I thought. What arrogance! My sister who is a first year/Freshman at university told me after I explained to her that I felt much more like a girl than a woman, told me that she felt sometimes like a woman and sometimes like a girl.
They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, a saying that is particularly relevant for the transsexual community. However, before starting out on that journey it is vital to know not just your destination but from where you start. I am starting that journey as a girl who sincerely hopes to be able to say to herself and to others in five or six years time that I am woman without mental reservation or have others doubting this.
