2010 was a year long struggle. I began the year with the resolution to fix my gender problem and a year later I have made progress but it is by no means resolved.
My story is much the same as that of others but I'm telling this part of it because I seem to have hard a very hard time accepting that I am female. I am not overjoyed about the idea of becoming a girl, at all.
I have been lurking here for so long I feel grandfathered in. I have been hesitant to make an introduction partly because it would mean some sort of acceptance to my condition. My post count is low because I want to impart positive thoughts but most of the time someone else has beaten me to it. But the real reason is I often mirror BritBrit's post about whether this 'life' is worth it.
BritBrit (I think it is cute, too) you had 3 pages of support about how great life is but I want to say, I agree with you. The hand of cards we have been dealt is full of Jokers. The laugh is on us and I see a life of constant struggle in front of me. I'm surprised that I am even here writing this! As terrible as everything has been I still wake every morning and go through my routine and get to work. I do love life :-) (In spite of my objections)
I have not posted because I want my post to bring tears of joy. I want to inspire others with the compassion I feel deep inside of me. Roxy and Patty, the two of you are my inspiration to help others!
While I feel like BritBrit and wish to inspire like Roxy and Patty there is one very quiet person here on this site that I truly owe the success of 2010 to. Without this person's helping hand to get my recovery started I honestly do not know if I could have made it this far. I really do not think that words alone can express my gratitude to this person. She has been so wonderful to me that I adopted her as my Big Sister. She is shy so I will not publicly state who she is but I think it would be ok to say she is bigendered. I have to reveal that as it is pivotal to my story. You never know when the last piece of the puzzle will fall into your lap and it might be the silliest thing that does it. My Big Sister gave me my last puzzle piece and she doesn't even know it. Most of my year with her I've related to her female side, only a few times did I meet her male side. The puzzle piece came when I found myself in a sticky situation and my 'Big Brother' came to my rescue. Her male side is so strong, confident, and NATURAL! OMG, my entire life has been spent faking what she did so naturally! At that moment I knew female was natural to me and male is something I can fake but it would never be as convincing as my beautiful bigendered Big Sister!
As I look back that is the moment I really started to accept that my gender and my sex are not a match. Her and I don't write as much these days but she will always be in my heart. She was there when I needed a teacher and now I feel like I've passed the class!
While I can still feel the bitterness of 'is it worth it' I find myself standing on the hopeful side of the line. I'm hopeful because of all of you and my Big Sister!!
Hugs,
Rylee
