Stuck in a hard place

[Hoshi]

I'm not quite sure how to start off; frankly I feel a little out of place here as I am no girlfriend, wife, sister or parent- just a best friend trying to support her friend as best as possible. Right now tho I just need some advice because I'm  a little confused and said best friend suggested that should I ever get stuck to ask the lovely people here for advice ^_^. I apolegise in advance for any wrong terminology or any other mistakes ^_^;

Long story short is, I was the first person that my  best friend , Aeron, came out as a ftm to. I have been there from the beginning, supporting through coming out to his fiancee and family and even going with him to his first therapy session. Now I havent really struggled with helping him till now and funnily enough its not really due to his transition  in itself. Its  the fact that I'm very good friends with both Aeron and his other half- and his other half just hasnt come to grips with Aeron's transition. His fiancee tries bless him, and is accepting of  my friends cross dressing but at this moment in time believe this to be a phase( he having said those words to me in a conversation we once had).Often my best friend is  restricted to how much he can be himself around his fiancee(don't get me wrong they both love each other very much) and the only place he can pack, bind and just be himself is  at my home. Now my concern is whilst I am very supportive of my friend who wants to transition I am also concerned that I may be getting almost too involved and that I may cause tension between Aeron and his significant other. Since even Aeron tell me I'm the one you usually keeps him motivated on his journey, I worry if I'm motivating him at the expense of his other halfs feelings. So this is where I'm stuck.

I want to support my friend as best I can especially since I'm the one he will turn to first with anything to do with his transition ( god knows how many tearful conversations we have had at 3 in the morning XD), but I  don't want to  make his other half awkward and cause tension in their relationship which is so very important to Aeron.

So please any guidance or help would be appreciated, cos right now I'm lost.

[spacial]

Hi Hoshi

Firstly, I'm as sure as I can be that you will be more than welcome here as a significant other. There are few more significant than a good friend.

To your problem.

Think you've got yourself in a bit of a fix, to be honest. On the one hand you are, rightly, supporting your friend. That's what friends do.

But on the other, you feel you may be coming between your friend and her fiancee.

Do you think your friend is aware of the fiancee's feelings?

[Hoshi]

Thank you for the warm welcome,^_^.

I was a bit unsure about posting. I mean Aeron has asked me to  come on here before but I liked to think of this site as the place he can go to and talk about these things if he doesnt want anyone  from day to day life being involved. But I just didnt know what to do at this stage.


Yes he is aware, and it puts a high amount of stress on him cos on one side he could remain and has  to mainly still present as female( especially round  the fiancees  very traditional family) or risk loosing  his fiancee. It stresses me out because   either way will leave Aeron depressed and sad. I mean his fiancee has made some adjustments so there is hope. I mean the reason that I know how the fiancee feels about Aerons feelings being a phase is through to me sitting down with him and trying to explain how upset  presenting as female makes Aeron and he is civil and listens, I just think he struggles to get his head round it.

[Sean]

It sounds like you are in the middle, and you are right to be worried about what your place is as a friend.

Aeron and his fiancee need to have a lot of direct communication. It sounds like they are not talking to each other, and that each of them is talking to you instead. If they are not on the same page as each other, this relationship will not work out. You say they have lots of love for each other, but it doesn't sound like they have a lot of trust or honest communication. And you are right to worry, because it is common for people to blame the friend that they put in the middle!

Also, you say you are getting stressed out. While it is very cool for you to care about your friends so much, I think you need to take a step back and see what your role is as a friend. It sounds like you are supporting Aeron in his transition, and it is nice for you to give him a safe space to present as male. I don't know what you mean by motivation, though. I don't like how it sounds like Aeron is saying you are his motivation to keep transitioning, because it puts a major responsibility on you that doesn't belong on a friend. You can be encouraging and supportive and a good listener and provide a safe place for presentation and use the right names/pronouns that Aeron wishes. But at a certain point, his journey must be his own, and he must be self-motivated to do it. Furthermore, I think it's important that you tell the fiancee that you recognize Aeron as the gender he asks to be identified as, and refer to him as such - without sugarcoating it.

In a nutshell, it's not your job to keep Aeron on the path to transitioning and it's not your job to block him from it either, and it's not your job to figure out what Aeron's gender is and it's not your job to tell his fiancee how to act either. So please do your best to be supportive, to encourage the couple to work things out together directly, and don't feel stressed or guilty about not fixing everyone else's problems. You sound like a very good friend, and I think it is cool that you wanted to come here to get Aeron help. At a certain point, though, you will be a better friend by having Aeron deal with his own stuff by himself, rather than through you.

[Hoshi]

Thanks Sean,

I guess I used motivation in the wrong context, since I usually type before I tthink, ^_^; I simply meant that as he puts it I usually give him a slight push of encouragement when needed . but I agree  with your points and I agree that they need to talk more between them

[spacial]

Hoshi.

I can't add anything to that which Sean has posted.

Your're in the middle between two lovers. Never a safe place to be really.

[Hoshi]

Spacial : I appreciate the feedback from both you and sean. Its helped and I have spoken to Aeron about this, this evening and he has agreed that he need to have a good sit down with his other half.