confused mtf

[iamchristina]

Hi, I am 35 and I live as a man right now. All of my life I have felt like a woman. I have dressed whenever possible to satisfy myself. Over the past 2 years I have went out in public fully dressed as a woman, and i have seen a doctor about it. I am an attractive guy,and obviously living in denial. Seems like the very next day after I dress up, I feel like it was bad and choose to suppress it. But I will say if my life turned good, and I had a good girlfriend, i think i would be okay living as a man and it would be easier for me too. Transitioning involves losing all my family and my 2 kids almost for sure in my case. I just wonder why I should bother transitioning into a woman. Here is a new dilema, I think you might find interesting. I am thinking that alot of men question their gender at some point. However, if their life is real good, these questions just go away like the wind. But, when I see many transgendered who appear like they couldn't obtain many dates in their "born with gender", it leaves them alone and lonely, which further questions their identity. And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor. Every attractive mature woman, may pretend, they are after love and "the person", however they are after more. Being Success and money. So after being isolated and alone, almost like a guy in prison, but free in society living poor. This makes one question him , herself. In the end they continue down the road of a new life living as the opposite sex. One might dissagree, and say"the feelings are just so strong. this is me, I am transgendered".  But what I propose is, what is you can stay in your "born with mode" and focus on learning how to impress and obtain those dates, and success. Will the transgender feeling slide away ? Many who are free in society, are they really free ? Or are they just a person in a cell, in prison with no options. In turn we manipulate our mind to change the only way we can, gender. Becasue making money and impressing the opposite sex is too hard.  I am not by any means proposing to encourage tg from going with their feelings. I am more trying myself to understand this world we live in, to make decision for myself. Very interesting question ?

[spacial]

Good questions.

[AmySmiles]

But I will say if my life turned good, and I had a good girlfriend, i think i would be okay living as a man and it would be easier for me too. Transitioning involves losing all my family and my 2 kids almost for sure in my case. I just wonder why I should bother transitioning into a woman.

You should never feel forced to transition, you should only transition if you want to and/or know that it is what you need to do.  The last sentence to me sounds like you do not really want to transition, and almost that you feel like you are being pressured into it.  If you are happy living as a man in between your dressing, then by all means do NOT transition.  You may just be a crossdresser, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Here is a new dilema, I think you might find interesting. I am thinking that alot of men question their gender at some point. However, if their life is real good, these questions just go away like the wind. But, when I see many transgendered who appear like they couldn't obtain many dates in their "born with gender", it leaves them alone and lonely, which further questions their identity. And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor. Every attractive mature woman, may pretend, they are after love and "the person", however they are after more. Being Success and money. So after being isolated and alone, almost like a guy in prison, but free in society living poor. This makes one question him , herself. In the end they continue down the road of a new life living as the opposite sex.

That may hold true for some people, but it absolutely does not for me.  For one, my life is about as good as it can be right now.  I am reasonably well-off financially.  I'm 27 with no debt and with enough money saved off to pay for anything I might need.  I was still depressed and the dysphoria was tearing me apart.  Before I started transitioning, I looked like an attractive male.  I could have dated many women if I wanted to, but my personality was not one to attract women romantically.  I have had many female friends throughout my life, but have never been interested in dating them.  My one and only ex-girlfriend was very forward, still wanting to try even after I told her my feelings about transitioning.  We lasted about 1 year, but are still good friends (she wants me to be a bridesmaid when she eventually gets married).

The reason I am telling you all this is because most transsexuals will transition regardless of how well-off they are, regardless of how good they supposedly have it.  MeghanAndrews on this site is a fantastic example of this.  We are unhappy because of an innate sense of wrongness that has been with us for much of our lives, not because of our current social circumstances.

One might dissagree, and say"the feelings are just so strong. this is me, I am transgendered".  But what I propose is, what is you can stay in your "born with mode" and focus on learning how to impress and obtain those dates, and success. Will the transgender feeling slide away ? Many who are free in society, are they really free ? Or are they just a person in a cell, in prison with no options. In turn we manipulate our mind to change the only way we can, gender. Becasue making money and impressing the opposite sex is too hard.  I am not by any means proposing to encourage tg from going with their feelings. I am more trying myself to understand this world we live in, to make decision for myself. Very interesting question ?

Please do some soul searching.  I do not often say this on this site, especially since I am not very outspoken, but to me it does not sound like you are transsexual.  Take this as you will, but I am very worried that you may end up like Charles Kane (See link) if you choose to transition based on perceived advantages of the other sex or perceived disadvantages of your own.

[VeryGnawty]

But what I propose is, what is you can stay in your "born with mode" and focus on learning how to impress and obtain those dates, and success. Will the transgender feeling slide away?

No.  My desire to be female has nothing to do with inability to achieve success.  I'm so smart, I could do anything I want.  Rocket science?  Just a bit of study.  Physicist?  I'd probably discover something nobody had ever thought of.  That is, of course, assuming that I could spend all of that time doing that without being in complete rage over being male.

Dates?  That won't ever go anywhere.  I don't think I could ever see a woman naked without wanting to be her.  And forget sexual intercourse.  That is not happening.

In turn we manipulate our mind to change the only way we can, gender. Becasue making money and impressing the opposite sex is too hard.

I knew I wanted to be female before I even knew about impressing the opposite sex.  I wanted to be female before I was even old enough to legally hold a position of employment.  It is impossible for me to have fabricated my ->-bleeped-<- based on those events, because my ->-bleeped-<- predates those events.

If you feel like an inadequate and pathetic male, then that does not make you a transsexual.  That just makes you an inadequate and pathetic male.  Everyone questions their gender or sexuality at some point in their lives.  The only question is:  is their answer accurate, or are they only fooling themselves?  So do you really feel like a woman, or do you feel like a man who is pretending to be a woman because you can't cut the pie as a man?

[japple]

I am thinking that alot of men question their gender at some point. However, if their life is real good, these questions just go away like the wind.

I doubt this is true but I see what you are getting at.  Like anything, the intensity of gender identity is very broad.  When you said that you felt bad after was this usually after sex or masturbation?   See if you relate at all to what people call " ->-bleeped-<-."  Do a little research and see if you can find your story.  Do you only want to be a beautiful woman of a certain type, would you be Precious from that movie Precious if it meant being female?

There do seem to be links to how and when you transition to intelligence and sexual orientation seems to play a role.  Like any move in your life, family, societal pressure, and background is going to affect how you make decisions.  There are plenty of gay men who married a woman and had children before coming out and lesbians who married men and had children.  There are stories of people who don't have gender issues until late in life, really strange stories....like a person who says they just dreamed it and then got obsessed.  If it's related to sexual identity it can change.  For many it's not related to sexual identity and can not change.  For some it's related to a misogynistic sense of the fairer sex or self expression.  Some people are addicted to shame and a disruptive life.

I'd recommend seeing a therapist and being very honest and really exploring the issue.  It's not black and white.  There are plenty of men who are very attractive and successful who transition. There are people who seem like they have nothing left to lose who don't.  Some people find comfort in a more androgynous/genderless existence.   If you look at it as black and white or become overly concerned with treatment you might find yourself being very dishonest and living someone else's script.  Like anything there are politics to this and some will misguide you because they want society to be a certain way.

Start your transition today but don't think of it as "becoming a woman," think of it as a journey to self-acceptance and congruity.  With a good therapist you will end up in a really good place.

[Karla]

But, when I see many transgendered who appear like they couldn't obtain many dates in their "born with gender", it leaves them alone and lonely, which further questions their identity. And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor.

I can't answer your questions for you, you really have to know your own path. Regarding the point quoted above :

For me it really has nothing to do with getting dates in the typical 'born with' way and it isn't about sex. If  I had all the dates (assuming you mean women) in the world it won't mean a thing as I will be most likely jealous of all of them and will end up feeling even lonelier despite being surrounded (not to mention the possible huge conflict of interest that will arise...)

[CaitJ]

But, when I see many transgendered who appear like they couldn't obtain many dates in their "born with gender", it leaves them alone and lonely, which further questions their identity. And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor.

Sorry, but this is bull->-bleeped-<-.
I was an eminently hot guy, who earned a lot of money. I had zero problems attracting women and had several long term relationships, as well as scores of casual flings/encounters that didn't go any further because I didn't want them to. To this day, I still have female friends lamenting what a loss it was for me to transition.
Throughout my relationships, through all the casual sex, I still questioned my gender identity.
I tried to force it to one side for the sake of my relationships and I was partially successful.
Ultimately, it was erroding the foundations of my relationships and was always amplifying the reasons not to continue seeing these women.
So, in short:
You're dead wrong.

What I'm hearing from your post is a young male who is struggling to attract a female, so he's considering what life would be like as female, because he perceives it would be easier to find a date as a member of the opposite sex. He thinks being male is 'too hard' and that being female is obviously the easier route.
Well, I have news for you my friend; being female is very, very difficult.
Comparatively, the male life is easymode.
Transitioning to female will not make your life easier. it will make your life much, much HARDER.
And try finding a date as a trans woman; talk about needle in a haystack.

[VeryGnawty]

If  I had all the dates (assuming you mean women) in the world it won't mean a thing as I will be most likely jealous of all of them and will end up feeling even lonelier despite being surrounded

This is me entirely.  I would be so jealous of them that it would cause me to want to withdraw from society even more.  Not that I could withdraw from society much more than I already have.

[MarinaM]

Coming out and being honest with yourself is a very, very hard thing to do. Being raised male, accepting certain male societal roles, acting male, being masculine and very attractive to women, pursuing environmental science, having a position of power in a de facto male field (tire warehousing), fathering a child, joining a pentecostal church to get saved and then leave it, and being the best "male" role model that there is in all of my circles has changed nothing. I'm still a woman. I've known this for certain since I was about fourteen and it is impossible to lie to myself. It's like reverse gravity. I've been clinging to everything else while knowing transition was an inevitability. I do not fear where I'm headed, but It was scary as hell to let go, at least I feel like I'm not lying to anyone anymore. I've been discriminated against for being weird, not acting like a normal person, and being a "pretty guy" all my life.

I call it a non-existent dichotomy. I've learned that gender roles are a societal fabrication, the concepts of male / female / sexuality are all on a continuum, and doing this for any reason other than to make your mind and body match is a terrible, terrible mistake.

May I ask, when you look in the mirror do you feel revulsion at how manly you are? Do you search for a compromise every time you pass one? Do you hate when women who would be great friends only look at you like a piece of meat? Do you fear acting too macho will out you as all male? Even in male mode? Not that these are litmus questions, I just want you to understand some of my personal transsexual anxieties.

If you're a crossdresser, you're a crossdresser. Part man, part woman. It's fine. I fluctuated and went through compromise phases as well, and I understand confusion. Some would say there is a "cure" for any sort of gender confusion, I say be damn sure before you seek one out, the damage to your psyche will be extensive. Do some soul searching, embrace who your are and allow the chips to fall where they may.

As far as autogynephelia goes- I don't have it. I don't get off on shame. Sex has always been a struggle, and I've been told that I act very feminine in that regard. I have felt shame about sexual experiences while in girl mode, but not every time, and I certainly don't want to. I believe it's a remnant from teen years and being told that trans people are perverted. (I am not!)

[melissa42013]

Coming out and being honest with yourself is a very, very hard thing to do.

It seems like many of us are living the same lives. MarinaM and others have retold the story of my life through theirs.

I'm 37, Married to a beautiful woman with a wonderful fun personality, I have two beautiful kids, a large house, cars, boats, two businesses, etc. etc. All the things that make for a "great" life. My wife and I are centered people, not greedy, not jealous, etc. All in all a live to be lived without regrets. I held positions of power, am well known, etc. etc. etc. (not bragging just saying "it's" not cuz of my life or upbringing.)

For me.... it comes down to this....... Female Brain... Male body.
You can't change the brain - but you can deny it, layer it, build excuses, find other reasons, etc.
You can fix the body  - but this comes at a tremendous price.
The one thing you can do is accept it, despite what you do, just accept it.

We all get screwed in life, for me it was TS, for others it's MS, Parkinson's, road side bombs, fire burns/scars, and on and on. We from this short list I'll gladly take back my TS and go home....

For years I couldn't label my self a transsexual. Even now it feels like a label, a name tag, that won't stick, that should fall of, that I don't want to apply to myself. But I think you have to be honest with yourself.

I can't speak for the different layers of gender issues, and I'm working through things with a therapist. I started hormones and that has made a HUGE difference in the gender dysphoria.

I would love to transition, but I don't know if ultimately I will or can. I figure I'll hang out on hormones for a while and see where it leads me.

I made my first post here not too long ago, and this site has helped me feel like I'm not along. It took me a long long time to even get the guts to make that post but it has been such a relief. I daily think back to some of the replies that were made to my first post and smile. I hope to share my thoughts and feelings so anyone who may read this, and feel the same, will know they too are not alone.

Just my thoughts.
-M

[ToriJo]

As a man, I thought I should respond to a couple of things:

And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor. Every attractive mature woman, may pretend, they are after love and "the person", however they are after more. Being Success and money.

I can't answer your questions about transgender people.  But I can speak a bit about relationships...albeit as one that hasn't had many either.

I lived a rather long time with no girlfriend, and, recently, some with a girlfriend and then wife.  I'm going to guess - but could be wrong - that I'm likely old enough to be your parent, yet have only spent 3-4 years in a relationship.  I will say that I wouldn't say either state (single or in a relationship) is "easier".  The challenges change, but they are still there - some are even more significant (a sick spouse is a lot of stress, for instance, and VERY difficult).  Anyone who thinks being married will make their life easier is probably in for a shock (and I'd say that's a bad reason to get married, as when the rough times come - and they will - and the foundation of the marriage is having an easier life, it's over when that doesn't happen, at a huge cost emotionally and fiscally).

I also know plenty of people in relationships who are poor, even in our materialistic society.  There are women who are fine with that (and there are shallow women, too, but the presence of shallow women doesn't make all women shallow; just as the presence of guys that are jerks doesn't make all guys jerks).

I'd also say that the reason I didn't have a date for most of my life had at least as much to deal with who I am as it did who women are - when I matured (which took me longer than most, and I'm sure I'm not there yet), someone came into my life.  I don't know your situation - maybe you've just been very unlucky in your life with the women around you.  But I would be careful about blaming all women, as I don't think you can universally say that no "attractive" and "mature" woman would be interested in someone who is not successful.  I'd also say that seeking "attractive" is just as shallow as seeking "successful" (but I won't say that this is necessarily wrong or right - just that it isn't valuing who someone is above external traits - after all, a non-attractive woman or an unsuccessful man might both be wonderful people).

Of course it's easier to find someone (of any sex) if you're beautiful/handsome, successful, popular, have lots of money, etc - because it doesn't rule out the people (of any sex) who *are* shallow.  But there are plenty of non-shallow men and women - but I'd recommend making sure to not pick people based on shallow characteristics if you don't want them to do the same.

I think others can speak way better about the reasons people don't live as their perceived birth gender.

[Double_Rainbow]

Heh...try to get more dates is the solution to GID?  I'm far from living comfortably, but I get many compliments from females about my good looks and females are the ones who continually ask ME out.  Where am I going with this you say?  I've already tried all the methods to "live comfortably" as a guy....ITS NOT WORKING PAL!!!

[cynthialee]

GID never goes away. It might go into remision, but it always comes back. Stronger and more brutal each year.

The only sure cure is transition.

I told myself all those things you are thinking.
I thought true love would wash away the pain of GID.
Not true. Even true love, success, power, love and admiration are powerless against GID.

[Jillieann Rose]

I'm 60 years young, almost ready to retire have 3 children and 4 wonderful grandchildren.
I love my wife and she is still with me.
I believe I have had a very productive life.
But I am transsexual and I am transitioning.
So maybe your stereo type transsexual is a little off base.

Sorry but if you really do have GID no relationship or success in life will cure it and
it get worst over time if you don't deal with it..
You really do not know for sure that all of your friends and family will leave you.
My wife is still with me even thought she said she was not attracted to female.
As others have suggested you need to find a gender therapist and work with them.

Jillieann

[Nicky]

Hi Christina,

It sounds like you are struggling to deal with your stuff right now, trying to find answers, trying to find a way out. I hear you have some internalized transphobia as most of us do, and this leads you to feeling bad after your dressing experiences.

You fear to lose your family, and chilldren. This is a real fear, but as a parent you have as much right to your kids as their other parent does. But to transition is to risk it. that is something you need to come to terms with, will you accept that risk? If not then you will need to find a way to live as a 'male' as comfortable as possible. It might me occasional cross living, there is no one way of doing it.

I would recommend that you find yourself a good counselor or therapist with experience in gender issues. You don't need to make any decisions any time soon.

I had a beautiful wife, i loved her, domestic bliss, a house, garden which I loved, two lovely kids, and if I had ever been inclined to cheat there were women a plenty hanging off me at gigs with no real effort at all, some of them so Beautiful it made you hurt all over. I had friends, and love, and steady job, education, I was a successful 'guy'. None of that made being a transexual easier. In fact it made it worse. I had all these great things but I was not me, I was miserable and all the gold and lovely flesh in the world could not make me happy.

[Suzy]

However, if their life is real good, these questions just go away like the wind. But, when I see many transgendered who appear like they couldn't obtain many dates in their "born with gender", it leaves them alone and lonely, which further questions their identity. And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor. Every attractive mature woman, may pretend, they are after love and "the person", however they are after more. Being Success and money.

You must be kidding.

if a person is transgender the questions never just go away.  And I do not think physical attractiveness has anything to do with it.  I have seen some rather unattractive guys turn into some rather ugly but happy women.  Sorry to be blunt, but we all know it is true.

There just is not any reason to what we go through.  I am a bit older than you, have a wife and 2 kids and will also lose everything in transition.  I have had people tell me that it was all some kind of fantasy.  The truth is, I have a fantasy, but this is not it.  My fantasy would be to be happy as a man.  It ain't happening and never will.  This in spite of being fairly successful.  Everything is reasonably against transition.  It does not make sense.  Yet. some of us are just pushed along that pathway.  Why?  Because that is who we are!  Simple as that.

While I have never claimed to be Miss America, I am not really tremendously ugly, in either gender fwiw.  Does it have anything to do with anything?  Nope! Did it make all my questions go away.  Nope!

The truth is that we TG folks have the same set of issues regarding dating and relationships as anyone else does.  But we also have extra stuff thrown into it that just makes it hard.  Really hard.  It is a combination of your TG status, your own personality, your willingness/ability to earn a living, pure chance, and more.

I wish you the very best in your journey.  And I hope you come to understandings that help you to resolve your several issues that it appears you have, from what you have said.

Kristi

[MeghanAndrews]

Hi Christina,
I'm sure as a part of your self-discovery and journey you will get answers to your questions. As for the not-being-able-to-get-girls part, I never had that problem. I didn't take many up on the advances, but don't think for a minute that most transpeople had trouble getting mates previously, guys or girls. Also, with having like success and stuff, I pretty much had everything I was convinced a "guy" could want prior to transition. Porsche turbo, house by the beach, more money than I knew what to do with, Vegas, Tahiti, blahblahblahblah.

In the end, what happens is that if you truly have an identity that doesn't match what you are portraying to society, you may end up doing something about it. May. It typically doesn't matter whether you have nothing or everything. I know people who transitioned with so much material stuff and people were like "are you insane???" and others who had the clothes on their back.

I think the key questions are things like: what will make me happy? am I setting myself up to have potential to be happier person? if I lose x,y,z (all the things you have) how will I deal with that? Can I lose some things and be ok with that and are there others I CAN'T lose? What are my goals? What's my plan to make those goals happen?

I also think the biggest disappointment people face in transition is not losing the things they had. It's pretty much when their reality does not match their expectations. "I'm going to give my house, car, and friends up but I'm going to be Megan Fox and have a new job and everyone will accept me." If you keep focused on being grounded with what's within your grasp and constantly re-evaluate where you are and where you want to be, you will probably do pretty well Don't get too complacent and don't send yourself on a 25 year wild goose chase searching for a family, money, career, friends, etc. thinking all that will go away. Once you have everything and it isn't enough, what do you do then? What's it take to be happen when you have everything you told yourself you needed? Good luck, Christina Meghan

PS, this is a pic of me then and now:

[Amazon D]

Hi, I am 35 and I live as a man right now. All of my life I have felt like a woman. I have dressed whenever possible to satisfy myself. Over the past 2 years I have went out in public fully dressed as a woman, and i have seen a doctor about it. I am an attractive guy,and obviously living in denial. Seems like the very next day after I dress up, I feel like it was bad and choose to suppress it. But I will say if my life turned good, and I had a good girlfriend, i think i would be okay living as a man and it would be easier for me too. Transitioning involves losing all my family and my 2 kids almost for sure in my case. I just wonder why I should bother transitioning into a woman. Here is a new dilema, I think you might find interesting. I am thinking that alot of men question their gender at some point. However, if their life is real good, these questions just go away like the wind. But, when I see many transgendered who appear like they couldn't obtain many dates in their "born with gender", it leaves them alone and lonely, which further questions their identity. And with a materialistic society, even a guy very good looking like myself, can't get a date with a woman because I am poor. Every attractive mature woman, may pretend, they are after love and "the person", however they are after more. Being Success and money. So after being isolated and alone, almost like a guy in prison, but free in society living poor. This makes one question him , herself. In the end they continue down the road of a new life living as the opposite sex. One might dissagree, and say"the feelings are just so strong. this is me, I am transgendered".  But what I propose is, what is you can stay in your "born with mode" and focus on learning how to impress and obtain those dates, and success. Will the transgender feeling slide away ? Many who are free in society, are they really free ? Or are they just a person in a cell, in prison with no options. In turn we manipulate our mind to change the only way we can, gender. Becasue making money and impressing the opposite sex is too hard.  I am not by any means proposing to encourage tg from going with their feelings. I am more trying myself to understand this world we live in, to make decision for myself. Very interesting question ?

It sounds like your not questioning yourself but your questioning others here who have done what they have!

Some may do what you say and transition thinking they will find love but that is not going to change for most. If they are not lovable no matter how much money they have they won't find it aftewards. You also seem to say that changing gender is just a way to do something because they can't find love but they can change gender. That may be true again for some.The question is what is right for you? I never found love but in many ways i didn't want what i saw as sex to be called love and that was and is the same both before and after transitioning. i stayed celibate and so i stayed single and well that is fine by me. I may have deluded myself in some ways in my transition but i am happier that i transitioned even though i didn't find love. Ironically i am now living as a male in my appearence yet not in my legal identity which may be confusing for you and others but it works for me. So i am just one example of someone who changed after transitioning but only partial and well if you can't find a relationship before transitioning don't think you'll find one after or don't think transitioning will give you power to distract yourself from not finding love. if it is love you seek greater than transitioning i think you need to talk to someone about that and maybe lower your standards of what women you date. I hope this gives you a round about perspective due to my different status here. then of course there are many here who live an andro lifestyle and well i am doing that in my own way. i am glad i do not have that strong male sex drive which i use to have but i am also glad i do not have a penis too. Could my life be better well thats relative to the person. I use to think i needed someone to complete me but today i am happy with me being me. I found there are many people who live single celibate lives and well their lives are no less valued. is that a new idea for me yea... but some of us will never be in a relationship and some of us have to be in relationships, so its all relative to the person and their lifes experience. Your no less for being single or no more for being coupled. Be who you are and if transitioning will help you to be that so be it. It did help me a whole lot. I am much happier with me than i ever was pretransitioning. However, if your concerned about being poor and finding true love with a woman which is what may be your major concern you may want to relocate to a place where your worth more so you can find that love that you seem to wish to find. There are also many people who live simple poor lives but live them just as well. Don't go after these rich girls who want you for your success because thats not real love anyway. Also if you are poor transitioning cost a lot and so don't even start with that because that can cost 20 yrs of savings scrimping to be able to do that and i know because that is how long it took me.

i hope i have given you some insight and i know i have also confused you because you may wonder why i did what i did but to me i am on the surfboard of life and going for the ride and not steering it but letting the waves of life direct my fate. I accept that fate and i never know where i am going next but thats living life to me. I have no regrets and i make sure when i do something i know all the negative results as i always expect the worst and if anything better comes its always a plus :-)

PS: I lost my two kids but in all actuality i never really had them anyway. I was lost and so the one who was 7 when i stopped seeing him had only wanted me to visit to buy him things and the other was in another womans belly when i started transitioning and finished 9 months later.  That son i can see while the other is now 20 i only email him but he finally knows. The younger one is 13 and he knows too but both moms have asked me to stay away as best as possible and well i had issues i didn't want my kids to get from me. I just support and pray that God takes care of them emotionally, physically and spiritually.

[Melody Maia]

Yeah, uh, no. My wife and I had a brand new 4100 sq. ft house in a beautiful neighborhood with three resort pools, ballfields, stables, terrific schools and basically zero crime. We had two cars, over 200K US per year in income, a beautiful son and just generally the good life. I filled my life with new toys all the time. Computers, iPods, iPhones, televisions (oh boy, I wish I still had my home theater with 100" screen and surround sound). I collected all this stuff to dull the pain. I ate too much food to dull the pain. Guess what, it still kept coming back and coming back and coming back. I was miserable anyway because I wasn't dealing with the elephant in the room.

I moved out last week to my mom's house. My personal space is about 120sq. ft filled with my new clothes, plus one car, laptop and 32" tv being the only things I took with me. I don't miss anything except my son. This last week has actually been some of the best times in my life mixed with grief over not seeing my son. However, I would not go back for anything. This is what I was meant to be and you cannot put a price on that.

[japple]

I've come to the conclusion that EVERYONE MUST TRANSITION.

It seems loaded but what I mean is that everyone must take patient steps to explore and discover what's going to work for them.  The first step is therapy by a good therapist that you trust.  Three months later you may start HRT or you may put thoughts of becoming a different gender behind you.  You must transition from where you are...to being better off that where you are.  You have to work at it, have to make an effort to find congruity.   You can't bury it, whatever it is, you have to shine a light on it and really get to know yourself.  Everyone should start some sort of transition immediately.  Being comfortable in your own skin and bones might mean a ton of surgery or it might mean a slight change in perspective but you'll never get an answer until you start.