When I was a child up to the age of about 12. I can recall events that may have helped confuse me about my gender.
I want to relate some of these events and than of course ask the community; whether or not others experienced situations that seemed to confuse us when we were young.
Let's see;
where do I start?
My Grandmother, Lilly until she died when I was about 11, allways told me I should have been a girl. She taught me needlepoint and gave me a needlepoint sewing kit, I was pretty good at it.
Mom, also told me I was supposed to have been a girl. The chores that I had was to watch over my younger brothers, change diapers, cook and clean, and do the laundry. It was my job to bring Mom her lingerie from the clothes dryer when she showered or to bring her a fresh towel. When Mom would dress it was my task to zip up the back of her dress. I also was asked at times to help undo her bra for her because she could not reach the closure for one reason or another.
I loved being the girl. In Kindergarten and 1st grade the teachers would talk to me to make sure I played with the boys because I was a physical boy. My preference was to play house or have tea party's with the girls. In Kindergarden there was a cute girl named Pamela who wore a Tu Tu one day for show and tell. Oh, how much I wanted a Tu Tu of my own and to learn to dance the ballet. I asked Mom if I could have a Tu Tu and learn ballet. Her reply was of course No, that I needed to learn to play with boys and my Grandma would tell me "You dont want to be a sissy do you?"
Throughout my childhood I was told to stay away from the girls and to play with the boys.
I must have been some what femme because their was a Christmas play in the 4th grade when they needed a princess, I was dolled up by my Mom and the neighbor lady into a purple silk dress with black leotards. It was wonderful and my part in the play went well. I was one of the lesser princess's in the back ground who brought some gifts for a King. Sang, pranced around and just loved it. I did not know that many of the comments that were made were in some sense sarcastic.
Again there was an increase of concern about me staying away from girls and playing dolls or dress up. It was okay when they needed to be entertained but I had no control about when I could be femme.
Well,... when I was 11 and my Grandma had cancer. Something happened or lead to a moment when Grandma and Mom decided to belittle me. Mom took me into a bedroom and had me strip naked and to lay on the bed. She left the door open to the bedroom and of course my younger brothers and the neighbor girl and her Mom came to the door to see what was going on. The neighbor girl "Sandy" and her Mom "Charlotte" were constant visitors to our home, kind of part of the family. My Mom proceeded to diaper me and powder me in front of evryone and she found a pair of rubber pants and put me in a T-shirt. Grandma was filling a bottle in the Kitchen and brought it to my Mom. I was given the bottle and told I had to spend the day like that. So I did, and I cried in the process. They made me crawl and I was not allowed to talk because sissy babies cant talk. I sobbed for some time and they made fun of me and gave me dolls to play with. I had to crawl in the Living Room and in the Kitchen, I sat under the kitchen table sucking my bottle while Mom and Grandma made sure I did what I was told. I spent the day in diapers, being changed of course and playing with dolls and having a bottle. Later that night I was given a bath and Mom put me in a diaper for bed. In the morning I was allowed to wear boy clothes. It was a humiliating experience and yet to some extent it was also enjoyable. The acknowledgement of my being a girl yet it was used against me to humiliate me.
When my sister was born, I was required less and less of and as I grew older, I drifted away and became an adult.
That's it for now. I am being very brave here and I do see a therapist. Is my gender confusion as much a part of what I feel my soul to be as much as it is how I was treated as a child.?
Your Turn
Gosh I wish we had more girlie smiley's here
Hugs, Allison
