When I was a child up to the age of about 12. I can recall events that may have helped confuse me about my gender.

I want to relate some of these events and than of course ask the community; whether or not others experienced situations that seemed to confuse us when we were young.

Let's see; where do I start?

My Grandmother, Lilly until she died when I was about 11, allways told me I should have been a girl. She taught me needlepoint and gave me a needlepoint sewing kit, I was pretty good at it.

Mom, also told me I was supposed to have been a girl. The chores that I had was to watch over my younger brothers, change diapers, cook and clean, and do the laundry. It was my job to bring Mom her lingerie from the clothes dryer when she showered or to bring her a fresh towel. When Mom would dress it was my task to zip up the back of her dress. I also was asked at times to help undo her bra for her because she could not reach the closure for one reason or another.

I loved being the girl. In Kindergarten and 1st grade the teachers would talk to me to make sure I played with the boys because I was a physical boy. My preference was to play house or have tea party's with the girls. In Kindergarden there was a cute girl named Pamela who wore a Tu Tu one day for show and tell.  Oh, how much I wanted a Tu Tu of my own and to learn to dance the ballet. I asked Mom if I could have a Tu Tu and learn ballet. Her reply was of course No, that I needed to learn to play with boys and my Grandma would tell me "You dont want to be a sissy do you?"

Throughout my childhood I was told to stay away from the girls and to play with the boys.

I must have been some what femme because their was a Christmas play in the 4th grade when they needed a princess, I was dolled up by my Mom and the neighbor lady into a purple silk dress with black leotards. It was wonderful and my part in the play went well. I was one of the lesser princess's in the back ground who brought some gifts for a King. Sang, pranced around and just loved it. I did not know that many of the comments that were made were in some sense sarcastic.

Again there was an increase of concern about me staying away from girls and playing dolls or dress up. It was okay when they needed to be entertained but I had no control about when I could be femme.

Well,... when I was 11 and my Grandma had cancer. Something happened or lead to a moment when Grandma and Mom decided to belittle me. Mom took me into a bedroom and had me strip naked and to lay on the bed. She left the door open to the bedroom and of course my younger brothers and the neighbor girl and her Mom came to the door to see what was going on. The neighbor girl "Sandy" and her Mom "Charlotte" were constant visitors to our home, kind of part of the family. My Mom proceeded to diaper me and powder me in front of evryone and she found a pair of rubber pants and put me in a T-shirt. Grandma was filling a bottle in the Kitchen and brought it to my Mom. I was given the bottle and told I had to spend the day like that. So I did, and I cried in the process. They made me crawl and I was not allowed to talk because sissy babies cant talk. I sobbed for some time and they made fun of me and gave me dolls to play with. I had to crawl in the Living Room and in the Kitchen, I sat under the kitchen table sucking my bottle while Mom and Grandma made sure I did what I was told. I spent the day in diapers, being changed of course and playing with dolls and having a bottle. Later that night I was given a bath and Mom put me in a diaper for bed. In the morning I was allowed to wear boy clothes. It was a humiliating experience and yet to some extent it was also enjoyable. The acknowledgement of my being a girl yet it was used against me to humiliate me.

When my sister was born, I was required less and less of and as I grew older, I drifted away and became an adult.

That's it for now. I am being very brave here and I do see a therapist. Is my gender confusion as much a part of what I feel my soul to be as much as it is how I was treated as a child.?

Your Turn     

Gosh I wish we had more girlie smiley's here

Hugs, Allison
       

Allison,

This will have to be short but I may have more to say
later.  First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your terribly
humiliating experience.  But it seems to me from what
you have said that long before that, you were aware of
feeling like a girl.  The fact that your grandmother and
your mother indicated early on that you should have
been a girl impresses me as their reaction to what they
saw in your personality.  And as you said, you always
loved being the girl.  The "girl tasks" that you had as a
child seemed to be things that you enjoyed, and I take
it they were assigned to you more than what one would
call "forced."

So I vote for the "girl within"!

Best wishes,

Sandra

Hi Tinkerbell.

Thanks for the reply and upon reading your writing I felt the acknowledgement that yes, the boys back then did not like having me around. Allways the last to be picked for a ball game.

In a way it is a comfort to know that girls like me had similar journey's, the road was different but the hills and valleys the same..

What a gift your Aunt was to you.

I had an Aunt named Sharon who was educated and she would take me to mass with her and I do miss her. She had the special way of saying she loved me for who I am. She passed on when I was 20.

I think my purpose is not to dwell on what may be sad, but to explore and see what similar events we have in our lives. There can be a transcending peace in   
sharing.

We are sisters in the spirit and soul..

Cheers, Allison


 

Hi Sandra,

Please do come back and write more when you can.

The girl within was there from the start.

I saw my chores as no big deal other than things I had to do to live. I was the sissy and in many ways encouraged by my Mom and Grandmother. In retrospect I wish they had supported the girl more and let the girl grow..

I have forgiven them for the humiliation excercise. After that event they tended to leave me alone, I guess it was important for them (the family) to get it out of their system. At least they came to understand (in their own way) that big brother was a sister at heart. My Aunt Sharon and I used to have wonderful talks.

I loved being the girl and I remmember being so excited at puberty when I experienced soreness in my breast and prayed and prayed they would grow. The nipples became very sensitive and kind of puffy but after a few years it stopped.

See you around the Forum, Allison

Hi allison,
Not me i mean i wanted a lot of those things, the attention, treated as a girl, but at a young age my mom discovered the issues and point blankly told me it was not acceptable and would not be tolerated....
what was i to do, like many i hid my feelings, my true gender, everything really?
I think back as an adult and try to explain to my mom what a LIE my life was and how everyone perceives me is A LIe...
Sad.....
that was nice of you to put that to paper and share,
Thanks
Ricki
what the heck i'll use Tink's smiley face too! 
Listen i need a chef hat smiley face for my posts please......

I never let it show.  I always played with the toys suitable for boys.. sort of.  I loved coloring books and painting. Most of my toys were things concerning art, puzzles, or things that challenged my creative nature.  My secrets were totally stealth until adulthood.  I wanted to play house with my neighbor friend, but she wouldn't let boys in her play house.  But we spent lots of other time together.  That was my outlet... to spend time with my childhood girlfriend. We'd spend nearly every other day or so playing games or pretend. That helped me a lot.

When we became teenagers, her interests floated to boys and she left me.  Our friendship was over.  It was crushing.

Cindi

when i was young.... ah (at that crossover now im 20)
I never felt right, and i never fitted in... i got bullied constantly, phyiscial, mental,anything they hadi ended up being sent to a private school that was boys only, and it was like visiting an alien world... but i stuck it out, and made it to uni, now im finally free.
But by no means was my childhood sad, i feel enriched in a way, i know how guys think quite well, its fairly funny to watch the thought process in action (Like rusty cogs). and im certainly glad for the education. Id never been tough, i still havent thrown a punch ever... was always described as 'senstive and kind' my first actual memories of knowing things werent right, were dreams of being a girl, and changeing to a girl, which grew to shocking realisation, but the fear to talk... i bottled it up till i was 19:( now its time to make up lost time...

Hey Ricki,

Thanks for adding to the responses.

Sorry about your Mom not accepting ....

I dont want to look at things as being sad.. Just want to look at things the way they were. Accepting it and moving on...

Kind of like ... Well, isnt that interesting .. that was then and this is now.

Now is a lot better.

Got girl friends to share with 

Allison

Hi Cindianna ,

Losing friends was a crushing thing for me too.

I had a girl friend I would play with across the street and when my parents found out we were playing house.. well, never got to go there again.

The culture is changing and maybe the next girls coming along wont have to put up with what we did..

We can hope and dream and keep faith with who we are..

Thank You,
Allison

Hi Rachael,

You go girl.

Strive on and live your life while you are young .

It is a comfort to me to see people like you on the edge of adult hood being who you are.

Us older ladies like me had to keep it pent up for such a long time.

I feel so proud for you and wish you the very best of experience.

--Allison

Allison, so much of what you describe rings similar to me.  Like Cindi I never did play with girl toys or let it show.  But it did come out and I was punished for it.  Can't believe you were diapered.  I was too, but slightly younger.  Nevertheless, that kind of thing always stays with you as part of who you are.  My counselor has helped me to see that a lot of my problems came from having to stuff my feelings inside for so long.  That I describe in another thread which I hope you'll read .  Now later in life, so much that was repressed is coming back.  It's great that you are being honest about your true self at your age.

Thanks for sharing!



Kristi

Oh I had a Barbi stashed with my secret things.. .but no one ever found out about her.  She took a trip on a garbage truck one day with all my other things in my first purge.  That was a very sad day for me.

Cindi

Everybody in this thread is MtF and seem to have experienced similar things. However I am FtM and have experienced much the same except that I was called a "tomboy". I never really had trouble with my parents until I hit my late teens and it became obvious that while I had a huge many men friends, that was all they really were. Friends with whom I went out to the bar or club - in other words the friends accepted me as "one of the boys".

It was really only when I came out officially to my parents that the trouble started. My mother refused to accept it and me, but I had seen photo's of when I was a toddler, and always dressed in corduroys and check shirt (looked cute, too I must say).

I since discovered that a lot of my mothers feelings about what she termed as "the life I had chosen" was really her own guilt. For some reason she felt that she must have failed somehow as a mother and as a woman if I did not want to be either. In a way, I think she still feels that way and often gives in to the guilt by buying me gifts or calling me up often or going out of her way to be "extra nice" to me.  I wish I could make her understand that nothing she could have said or done while I was growing up was ever going to make me see things any differently. I was a man as soon as I was conceived, and not after I was born. 

Thanks Allison...
time heals some wounds and burries others with enough crapola that they fade too... everything moves forward always.............
I know how to forgive and be at ease i have just not completely let go of some of those skeletons- yet.........
hugs
Ricki

I can relate to your story quite well.