but i feel messed up. most of the time. i should have wrote it down first maybe because i suck at this. i don't even like being all "this and that sucks, and it makes me feel" blah blah blah ya know? because guys usually aren't emotional or sensitive in the least. at least not that I've seen. I've had bad examples in manhood anyway so i probably shouldn't think of these certain guys i knew or saw growing up. i usually never tell anyone when i feel like crap anyway because i don't feel safe doing that, confiding in anyone. i wonder why that is....yeah I've been burned (not literally burned, let down) a lot by a lot of people but it's not like I've been verbally or physically abused. hhhhmmm i wonder how many people will read this anyway.
so it's basically, someone calls me girl, she, my female name which is most of the day every single day. that bothers me at varying levels. or if I'm tired or bumped my chest accidentally something just feels very unsettling like something is very very wrong throughout my whole body, head to toe. as if i were shaking but I'm not. i want to scream at people and tell them off, smash things. if someone were to ask me why i wouldn't be able to give them a real answer. i ask myself and i don't know.
maybe just because i haven't started transitioning yet and i need to.
and living at home with a parent who has the worst attitude ruins any good mood.
not being able to go anywhere whenever
no friends that call, come over or take me out anywhere ever (that reminds me of the song from RENT "take me out tonight")
though there is this one guy, we text and fb message
but i really really hate that unsettling sensation. i don't even know if it's depression or anger. it washes over instantly and can stay for a few minutes or a whole evening and I'll want to just go crazy and explode. i think of punching a wall but that would destroy my hands and i need those. I'm here too late and that might seem weird.
i don't know what response to get from this. just complaining. I'm trying to reach people who doctors office secretaries give me numbers to but can't get them to be there in they're office or to call me back. outlooks don't look good for anyone needing to transition. the costs, lack of money, lack of jobs good enough to be able to save for all these things. the way society is. we're not liked, we get discriminated against, shunned, stared at, sometimes recorded in public, some are still getting assaulted. gaaah i shouldn't think of that stupid negative crap. makes me think "am i really going to be able to pull this off?" and that i definitely want to avoid at all costs. meh, sorry folks this was pointless rambling
