Battle of Heart vs Mind

[Dan-ization]

Hey I just thought I'd bring up a discussion.

As some of you may know, I came out to my family as a FTM transsexual.

In my heart I know I am not a girl, my brain does not match my body and my life has been a lie.

However, I am in a really serious relationship with a straight guy (i am bisexual), meaning that our relationship would not work out if I made the transition. It has been 3 years and I would never do anything to break it. I also have a maternal instinct (probably the only part of me which is actually female!) and parenting children is one of my dreams. If I transition, I cannot parent children (I know I could adopt etc, but I mean parent as in have children that are genetically mine.)

I have been in between the two options, and it now it has become a battle of my heart (saying I need to transition) and my mind (saying that even if I fullfil some of my dreams, others will become impossible to achieve).

Due to this I have decided to wait and fullfil my dream of parenting children before I undergo transition and wait and see what happens with the relationship with my boyfriend. I feel like this way, I may be able to do everything I have ever wanted to do.

Aside from this, I'd like to bring up a discussion about which is most important. I know instinct is, but I have 2 instincts, to be a mother and to be a man.

These are both as strong as each other, which leads to a dilema. I just wanted to know what other people feel is the strongest instinct and whether they would follow their heart, their mind or a mixture of both.

Happy discussing 

[GinaDouglas]

My advice to you is to talk this over with your boyfriend.  Harry Chapin said, "We talked 'cause talking tells you things, like what you really are thinking about.  Sometimes you don't know how you feel, 'till all the words run out.

Everybody is conflicted.  That's part of being human.  There are healthy ways to deal with it, and unhealthy ways.  Living a lie is one of the unhealthy ways.

[Nero]

Hi Bexico,

Well as I'm sure you know, it doesn't have to be an either or thing. Look at Thomas Beattie! 
You obviously want bio kids enough to go through with birthing them. And there's no reason you can't transition afterward. But as Gina pointed out, your partner's feelings are critical to this. If he's not happy with the idea of your transitioning and if you see transitioning as inevitable - may not be so good an idea to get bonded for life through children. Probably should see if he can get on board with this first.

[Miniar]

If you can live a while without transition, then you can take care of one thing before the other.

[Sean]

In my heart I know I am not a girl, my brain does not match my body and my life has been a lie.

However, I am in a really serious relationship with a straight guy (i am bisexual), meaning that our relationship would not work out if I made the transition. It has been 3 years and I would never do anything to break it. Due to this I have decided to wait and fullfil my dream of parenting children before I undergo transition and wait and see what happens with the relationship with my boyfriend. I feel like this way, I may be able to do everything I have ever wanted to do.

Does your boyfriend know that you are trans? You don't mention this. If he doesn't know the truth about you (and that your whole life has been a lie, as you put it), then you are being incredibly selfish.

You want to have children and you want to be a man. So you figure: first, have the kids. Then deal with transitioning later on. Well, what about your boyfriend??? Isn't he entitled to know that the mother of his children is not a woman and may later need to live life as a man to function? Some people are able to push off transitioning for some long term plan. Many people try to bury being trans by getting married, having kids, etc. and they are WRONG, and it makes things extremely difficult for them, their partners, and the kids involved.

If your relationship won't work once transitioning may come into the picture, what will happen to the kids? Are you then planning on having custody of the kids, because of your mothering instinct, and telling your boyfriend that it is too bad if he can't love you as a man, he'll have to be happy with visitation? What about the hurdles that this will present for your children, who are starting from a framework of a broken home? You are starting from a premise of a lie, as you've noted. I have no idea why you think this could go well.

Being a mother isn't about fulfilling a personal need. It's about doing what is right for the kids. I do hope you will communicate with your boyfriend about how you feel before you bring children into this world. And if your boyfriend is not on board with everything, knowing that you may or may not need to transition to be the man you feel you are, there are other ways that you can have your own biological children and still transition, without making a mess of someone else's life.