How do you get over the anxiety that you don't pass?

[Ribbons]

I think I passed yesterday.

This man my mom was talking to gave me this weird look when my mom called me by my name, sorta a "You're a girl?" sorta look.   

I've been told there's nothing feminine about my appearance and I look like a boy, but I never really believed that.

[Pinkfluff]

It isn't about passing as anything. It's about claiming your place in the world. Standing up and saying this is who I am.

This is the way I look at it. I always pass -- people either get my gender correct or they don't. Most of the time they don't give any indication one way or the other.

[Mr.Rainey]

I am a man and I don't need anyone to validate this fact.

Sometimes bioguys get mistaken for women. (Dude looks like a lady if your a van halen fan) I'm just a skinny, short dude that looks like a girl sometimes. People can call me she, or her all they like its their mistake.

[BigDEvs]

I honestly don't know how you get over it. Everybody says I look masculine and deems me masculine until they've heard me speak. Then it becomes a question of am I or aren't I? I feel really great when people call me sir or say hey man or something like that...BUT...where I go to school, I use our elevators a lot. So, if I ask someone to help me with the elevator, it really is a mixed bag and I feel crushed anytime they insinuate I am a girl. I have talked to the GLBT org and student govt on campus about gender neutral language, especially amongst school employees. I hope they will do something to make it clear gender neutral language is important.

I had a teacher out me to a class of 500. It was a 200 level class, and usually I tell my teacher, but the class was so big, I figured it would not be an issue. Boy was I wrong. After I asked a question about our exam, he said to our entire class, "Did you hear what she said?" I was mortified. Some in the class know me from other classes know as Dom, the guy. I am pretty much out to many people, but I do not feel every person I meet needs to know, so some don't. He had no right, looking at me passing very well physically and then calling me she. I felt like he did it just to be a jerk.

I had another professor call me sweetie and baby when I asked for help with the elevator. I told him thanks and my name was Dominick. The look on his face, as he turned bright red, was priceless.

Still, this anxiety lingers. Do I correct everyone? Do I make a big deal about it? I don't know the answer or whether we can really ever get over that. I feel it too though and it sucks. 

[jacob.ayden.averi]

No idea. Went out with one of my gfs the other day, got called ladies by all the people in the stores, even got hit on (my first time ever lol) but the whole time I felt like people knew, and were just humoring me =/

...this is probably inappropriate, but I actually think you're really pretty.
Onto the topic at hand.
If you think you pass, act on it. What I mean is...I would never go out in a dress-okay, period, I'd never EVER do that-so...another example. I'd never go out without a binder and expect people to call me he and him and everything. It's not their fault I have breasts, and if I look like a girl, how can I get angry with them for a simple mistake? But. If I look like a boy, and I feel confident, yeah, I'll tell them what's up. Just as any other cisguy would do. You're no different from any bio person, you know? But. I wouldn't go out looking like a full on girl and get offended when people assumed that's what I was.

[Beyond]

Ribbons.

May I suggest you are looking at this from the wrong perspective.

It isn't about passing as anything. It's about claiming your place in the world. Standing up and saying this is who I am.

I understand the need to pass, I really do. From the outsiders perspective, it seems like deception. But having been there myself, I know it's more than that. It's about fufilling your potential.

But stand on a street corner for a while and look at all the men you see walking past. How many of them do you think are wondering if everyone believes them to be men?

What I'm saying to you is, you don't need permission to be here. Just dress in whatever manner makes you comfortable and walk down the street, your head held high.

"Passing" is a flawed concept as the word infers deception.  None of us are looking to deceive, to the contrary by transitioning we are being authentic.  Part of transition is breaking the cycle of living for others.  When you obsess about "passing" you are living for others.  That's continuing a cycle many of us carried over from our old lives.  Break that cycle!  Transition is about being who YOU want to be, not what others want.

[Nygeel]

@Beyond, some of the things I want/need are a part of passing. I want to be less afraid of using the men's room. I want to not be called "miss and ma'am" on a daily basis (this actually makes me feel like s--t). I don't want people to see me as "trans" as if I'm not male. I don't want to be abused or stared at when I go to a hospital because the transgender patient is so interesting to doctors and nurses. I don't want to be read as butch because I'm not.

All of this is related to passing. Sure, those things have a likeliness to happen while being read as male BUT it's less likely if I'm read as the gender I identify as. Passing is a form of social privilege that I want.

[Pinkfluff]

"Passing" is a flawed concept as the word infers deception.

This is exactly why I don't like or use the term. I always "pass" because I'm always me. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. Sometimes other people don't identify me correctly but that's their mistake. I already do plenty to please the rest of the world in daily life, I'm not going to pander to their whim any further!

I must agree that social privilege does become involved, but I don't think that it's the same thing as the concept of passing for the very reason quoted above. Yes there is privilege based on physical appearance (I suppose even for cis people this is true to a much lesser degree) but I am not defined by this physical body. I know some people wouldn't agree, but since I'm me and they're not only I get a legitimate say in the definition as it applies to me.

[iris1469]

 I really wish that I had passing privilege. But I dont, so i have pretty much just accepted that fact. I mean I get sir'd like every day at some point in my day... (when I say passing privilege I refer to being received as a biological woman by those that I encounter....in other words for people to not even question that i am a woman)   so i just  like to think of myself as a sexy tgurl, period....im ookay with that

[insideontheoutside]

Ribbons.

May I suggest you are looking at this from the wrong perspective.

It isn't about passing as anything. It's about claiming your place in the world. Standing up and saying this is who I am.

I understand the need to pass, I really do. From the outsiders perspective, it seems like deception. But having been there myself, I know it's more than that. It's about fufilling your potential.

But stand on a street corner for a while and look at all the men you see walking past. How many of them do you think are wondering if everyone believes them to be men?

What I'm saying to you is, you don't need permission to be here. Just dress in whatever manner makes you comfortable and walk down the street, your head held high.

^^^^ THIS

[insideontheoutside]

This is exactly why I don't like or use the term. I always "pass" because I'm always me. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. Sometimes other people don't identify me correctly but that's their mistake. I already do plenty to please the rest of the world in daily life, I'm not going to pander to their whim any further!

^^^^THIS TOO