The so common greek trans-tragedy

[babykittenful]

Here, I'm going to post about a subject I'm pretty sure many of you have experienced in their transgendered life. Right now, I am in a relationship with a girl I love. We've been together for 2 years and a half, and I have to say, I love he so much that it hurts. Love in itself can be quite an emotional turmoil, but if you incorporate transsexuality in the mix, you are up for an intense maelstrom of pain, tears and sorrows.

I genuinely love my girlfriend and she genuinely love me. If it wasn't for my GID, I'd already have asked her for wedding. However, even if I wouldn't want to accept it, GID Is here. I decided to come out to her in order to be honest with her about what I was feeling like. She'd often see me, lost in deepest parts of my mind as if a huge wall was separating us. I opened a window, but the wall is still there. I basically told her I wanted to be a girl. At first, she must have thought I was joking and simply told me: "Well, then I am gonna start calling you my bitch!". At first I didn't say much about this, but when we spoke later about it, and she wanted to call me he "bitch", I told her I didn't want to be called that, because it felt disrespectful. I told her that I had real serious questions about my gender identity and that I felt like I wanted to be a girl.

When she realized I was serious, the first thing she said was: "I want a man. I want a father for my children. I don't want my children to grow without a father like I did." As much as I had prepared for this kind of answer, it was still very hard. Given that the desire to be female is very strong within me, it's a hard hit to know that the woman I love doesn't follow me with it. In my fantasy, I'd see her tell me that it didn't matter, that she doesn't love me for my body but for myself and for who I am within. But things aren't always like in your fantasies. I've came out to her a couple months ago and even after discussion numerous time with her, she is sure about it. She wishes to be with a man, no matter how much she loves me, if I am to become a woman, she won't be able to stay with me.

I have felt so much pain about this, and so did she. We love each other so much, yet there seems to be this horrible turn of fate that she can't love me unless I am someone that really isn't me. I remember dreaming about what my life could have been had I been born female. In my dream, I was looking for my girlfriend, but she was nowhere to be found. I had the fantasy that the reason why I might have been born male was maybe so I could meet her... so that she could fall in love with me before got the body that was right for me. But this is nothing else then a heartbreaking fantasy.

It would be hypocrite to ask of her not to respect herself for the sake of our love and for the sake of my own self respect. She'd often say to me that she felt egoist and mean with me when she tells me that she cannot love me as a woman. But she isn't mean... she is just... heterosexual. I guess this is something that is rarely seen : A heterosexual feeling bad about her sexual orientation. I thought about leaving her, so that she would not suffer when I change. Then I realized the true reason for my thoughts of leaving her were because I was afraid that by staying with her and knowing how she feels, I'd fall back into denial.

You should believe me, I have thought about it quite a lot. After one particular night when I cried all the tears I had, I felt like I had to save my love. I felt like getting my hair cut, starting to work out and lat my beard grow. But after a single day, I realized that it didn't make sense. Even the love of my life wasn't worth not being me. Right now, I have an approach of "Let's cross that bridge once we are there" with her. While this make for some awkward situations with her, I still love her so much. We regularly talk about it and she is very supportive and understanding. It's just that if I chose transition, our couple won't survive.

I thought that "impossible loves" were just the stuff of fictions. And there I am, living a classic Greek tragedy, stuck with the terrible dilemma of choosing love... or self respect.

[Colleen Ireland]

I know exactly how you feel.  I chose the path of attempted denial, and here I am, almost 32 years and 3 kids later, and my wife and I are splitting up.  I can honestly say that raising those kids has been the single greatest adventure of my life, but in the end, neither love nor kids has made any difference to the outcome.  I think you have to be honest with yourself and with your love, and let the chips fall where they may.  It is a LOT easier ending a relationship from where YOU are, than from where I am.  But I think you're clear that there really isn't much of a future for you and your love.  But you're young, and you need to think about your OWN future.  If you transition now, you have your whole life ahead of you.  If you look at those of us transitioning later in life, you should realize you really can't escape it.

[melissa42013]

I know exactly where you are coming from. I too met the love of my life, told her about my gender dysphoria, we got married, had two kids, etc. Now at 37 I am finding that I can't stand suppressing it any longer. Started hormones and looking optimistically at the future not knowing what it holds for me.

It would have been much cleaner to have had the courage to tame my demons fifteen years ago. But I did not have the courage to go against the grain. I did not have the courage to tell anyone and to really admit to myself what I was. I thought I could suppress it but, like so many others on this forum..... Could not.

I do applaud you for your honesty with her and yourself. I know from your post that you are anguished with the decisions you need to make. But I also think from your post that you know which decision you need to make. No one can tell you want to do but you.

-M

[Alyssa M.]

I was in almost exactly the same place when I was your age, though I was in more denial than you and my girlfriend was not as supportive. That said, let me tell you what she told me: You need to figure out who you are.

One thing that was especially difficult for me was the extent to which I conflated my gender and my sexuality. Discovering that I liked girls really confused me, and led me to think that maybe all those people who thought I was a boy were right; maybe I had some weird lingering resentment of my sisters, and I would get over it when I went to college. Well, just before that theory lost all credibility, along comes the love of my life, and I think, "yeah, maybe this is what I needed all along." In fact, all it did was to give me false hope that I could function as an adult male. It took me several more years to get over that. I finally started HRT at age 30.

And now, a couple years on, I'm happy, truly happy, in a way I never believed existed, for the first time in my life.

The pain of your gender dysphoria is not likely to ever go away, but only to grow. If you were to stay with your girlfriend, I would expect that you would grow to resent her for preventing you from transitioning. That is not the basis of a healthy marriage, and certainly not of a healthy relationship between parents raising children.

I really doubt you will take this advice, because I know how hard it is to take, but leave while you can. Explore your gender identity seriously, and without another hand on the scale, and decide what you want to do. Again, as my ex-girlfriend said, figure out who you are. Then you can return to Ithaca.

[ClaireA]

I was in almost exactly the same place when I was your age, though I was in more denial than you and my girlfriend was not as supportive. That said, let me tell you what she told me: You need to figure out who you are.

One thing that was especially difficult for me was the extent to which I conflated my gender and my sexuality. Discovering that I liked girls really confused me, and led me to think that maybe all those people who thought I was a boy were right; maybe I had some weird lingering resentment of my sisters, and I would get over it when I went to college. Well, just before that theory lost all credibility, along comes the love of my life, and I think, "yeah, maybe this is what I needed all along." In fact, all it did was to give me false hope that I could function as an adult male. It took me several more years to get over that. I finally started HRT at age 30.

And now, a couple years on, I'm happy, truly happy, in a way I never believed existed, for the first time in my life.

The pain of your gender dysphoria is not likely to ever go away, but only to grow. If you were to stay with your girlfriend, I would expect that you would grow to resent her for preventing you from transitioning. That is not the basis of a healthy marriage, and certainly not of a healthy relationship between parents raising children.

I really doubt you will take this advice, because I know how hard it is to take, but leave while you can. Explore your gender identity seriously, and without another hand on the scale, and decide what you want to do. Again, as my ex-girlfriend said, figure out who you are. Then you can return to Ithaca.

It may be hard to think about, but Alyssa has a really good point - really take into consideration breaking it off sooner than later. You've ascertained that continuing in this relationship and figuring out your gender identity are mutually opposed. Continuing on in the relationship, sadly, will most likely end in both of you unhappy.

I experienced the same thing but with one exception - I did not come out to my girlfriend (something which I regret). I went into the relationship with the thought that this is one of my last tries at "curing" my GID - maybe, if I just take a relationship seriously for once, I might come out on the other end, free from my GID.

Instead of a cure, all I did was screw up one life and almost take my own. She truly loved me and wanted us to get married, our mutual friends thought we were meant for each other, and to her, life looked great. And then, I was an idiot and chose the wrong way to go about things. Rather than tell her why it wouldn't work and end it, I didn't tell her and just thought I'd drag things out and try to end it as slowly as I could. Terrible idea.

When all was said and done, she was in shambles, her education was kind of ruined (she dropped her important minor so we wouldn't have to have classes together), all of our friends (pretty much a whole department at our college) were divided, and I went through about 5 months of the worst depression I had ever been through, having ruined a young girl's life, something she never deserved. Only later did I find out that a lot of people around me thought I'd kill myself, and all this stemmed from letting a relationship go on by not acknowledging my GID.

I guess my point in all of this is, the longer you let it go on, the worse it will be when you break it off. You've let her know about your GID, something that MAY make it less difficult to break off because she could understand why, but letting this go on is only a bad idea. If you choose to try "make it work" and put aside the GID, you'll just end up right back here, except you'll both have more invested, and you'll be left with regrets and a worse situation on your hands. (Sorry if this isn't very positive.)

[MarinaM]

I love my wife as well, and she's heterosexual. I hid myself from her for the first seven years of our relationship. I tried compromise for the next two. GID fluctuates, but always, always comes back stronger.

My wife wonders how it is that she could love a woman. She asked whether my condition made her homosexual. She even had a stage where she felt as though I was cheating on her with myself. I am currently not allowed to be me around the house to keep from confusing the baby further (so I venture out into the public fire when I have to). We will be splitting up, I want to give her the best chance to explore her feelings without my hand tipping the scales. Perhaps she can start anew before she feels unlikely to attract another man. I love her, what else can I do?

[Sadie]

Same thing here. Wanted to transition in my twenties,  tried denying it, got married, had kids. Can't ignore it anymore. I can regret not starting earlier but my kids help put that in perspective, I wouldn't have them if I did and that would be horrible.

It's amazing how much the same story repeats itself among us.  I think this tragedy is a product of our society. Once transgender becomes more accepted, we will see more and more young transitioners. We already see many more today and I think in time, the average age of transition will drop.

[caitlin_adams]

Similar situation for me too.

Fell in love at 21, moved in at 22. Told her. She was unaccepting. She thought I'd change and that I was just bring self indulgent, I thought she was just being selfish and that she'd eventually show compassion. 5 years later, neither of us changed and broke each others' hearts. We REALLY loved each other (and still do) and it was because of that love that we both wasted 5 years of each others' lives.

Take what she says at face value. The situation may well be irreconcilable, and if that's the case, act on it now.

[Northern Jane]

It really sucks being "different"!

When I was 13 I changed schools. Puberty had started and I had just begun to change my opinion of boys (from yucky to 'interesting' LOL!) ... and I met this boy ... we sat together in the same class .... he was funny, goofy, and a lot of fun ... we became friends, then close friends, then fell in love .... "first love". But it was the 1950's, he was straight and I wasn't exactly 'factory issue female' so that was a BIG problem. The attraction was SO STRONG, both ways, but "the problem" was always there, in the way, and it drove both of us nuts. He gave me my first passionate kiss (which knocked my socks off LOL!) and so many times things almost happened between us but never did. I would have lost my virginity to him if it had been possible.

We continued to be REALLY close for  a number of years, always fighting temptation, but about age 17 he told me (asked my permission) to date other girls, that he really wanted to have sex. How could I deny him that which I could not give him? I couldn't. Still we remained extraordinarily close, always fighting temptation, often breaking off a conversation or leaving because one or the other of us was on the verge of loosing it.

I went off to college at 19 and in my second year I heard that he was getting married. I was completely and totally gutted. My world fell apart. I dropped out of college, took a job back home, and drifted deeper and deeper into depression. I saw him a few times and the magnetism was still there. We never trusted ourselves to be alone together and to look into each other's eyes was dangerous! His new wife had crushed his spirit, turned him into a different person, and that made me SO sad. And in his face I could see that he still felt the same about me and felt ashamed of what he had done and who he was becoming.

By 23 I was very suicidal before SRS became possible, and then I was gone! Gone from my little home town and off into a new life. After all these years, I still feel the connection. I know where he is, I know his life's situation, and he is still the broken shell of that wonderful young man I fell in love with 48 years ago. So sad.....

(I think that would make a he!! of a powerful screen play with the right writer and cast! LOL!)

[Cruelladeville]

I fear that its a fairly common story.... for people like us?   

For a wee while in my late teens and early twenties... i believed if i found the perfect woman, the love of my life.... that i could subjugate my TG feelings totally... and proceed with a normal life...

And then I found her, around 23 years of age, a brilliant, high IQ, beautiful sassy natural vibrant blonde.... then for almost a year I managed a good bout of cold-turkey...

(who was I kidding)

Then it struck, powerfully, compellingly and quietly and alone (inside) I had a sorta mental-breakdown...

The façade was finally over.... i had to openly face myself..... and get on with being whom i really was (female in all sense).... rather than the sham male i'd tried to be...

The rest they say is history...

Good luck....you'll need it!

[Maddie Secutura]

You're right, with the right screen writer it would make an excellent film.

[n00bsWithBoobs]

Maybe I'm a bit unique? I sort-of came to terms with my ->-bleeped-<- in my early twenties. As a result, I've told every girlfriend I've had about it. The situation is usually that they're accepting at first. These women find it kinda neat about them. Then, after they've been with me for awhile, they reveal that they didn't think I was truly serious about it. One girl told me this after two years of being together despite the fact that when I met her, I was wearing a skirt and lacy camisole!

My romantic relationships with women have never worked out and I blame my ->-bleeped-<-. Until I finally decided to transition, it had been the ugly beast that couldn't be sated. I started transition as soon as my wife and I separated (unrelated to gender issues). Despite how incredibly sad I am about my marriage dissolving, I actually feel the happiest and most at peace I've ever felt.

[jennajane]

This is an all too common story here.  My experience was a bit like this.  I was married at 26 to the first girl I told about my trans feelings, expressed then more as a cross-dresser.  The marriage lasted a short 5 months, as I felt like I couldn't go on with that life.  I had a couple of other relationships with women, coming out to all of them and then met a super gentile nice girl who I loved very much.  She helped me come out and accept myself for who I was.  We were together for four years and after we became engaged I decided I needed to transition and I knew that that would end the relationship.  I thought I would never meet anybody like her, especially now being trans.  About a year later, a few months before I went full-time, I met my current girl friend who totally accepts and supports me.  For her she identifies as bi, and I this is her first serious relationship with another women. 

In the end it was hard at the time, but it is a world of difference being with someone who is supportive or loved the "old you" and one who enters the relationship post-transition or at least knowing what he/she are getting into.

Jenna

[japple]

Maybe I'm a bit unique? I sort-of came to terms with my ->-bleeped-<- in my early twenties. As a result, I've told every girlfriend I've had about it.

I'm the same. I had to "vet" potential relationships rather than jumping right in but had the foresight to know that any relationship could end badly if I didn't tell them right away.   I had a lot of first-only dates but some great LTRs.

[GinaDouglas]

I am currently not allowed to be me around the house to keep from confusing the baby further (so I venture out into the public fire when I have to). We will be splitting up, I want to give her the best chance to explore her feelings without my hand tipping the scales. Perhaps she can start anew before she feels unlikely to attract another man. I love her, what else can I do?

You can't love or be loved unless you love yourself.  That means your self, your true self.  Does she love you, or her fake idea of you that's not really you.  To use her language, she's cheating on the real you with her fake version of you.

Confuse the baby?  How young is the baby?  Kids can't understand gender until they are at least three.  Until then, there are two beings in the universe.  Them and everybody else, the self and the non-self.  They differentiate between people like they differentiate the finger and the thumb, almost identical parts of the same hand.  They might understand that one is Mommy and one is Daddy, but they don't really understand that Mommy and Daddy are distinct beings with substantial difference.

[GinaDouglas]

I fear that its a fairly common story.... for people like us? 

I wish it was only once, for me.  Meet girl, get laid, purge, repress, tension builds, break down, feel shame and guilt.  Repeat at regular intervals.

[Karla]

When she realized I was serious, the first thing she said was: "I want a man. I want a father for my children.

So do I, more than anything.

I know how she felt entirely because no matter how strong the emotional relationship is it may not be enough. I haven't been in your situation before and I will do everything in my power to avoid finding myself there but I wish you all the courage to ascertain and do what's right in your situation which in my case (it's not!) would be to let me and you both go free and prevent any more hurt.

In order to grow further as people sometimes we have to sacrifice and let go.

[Sarah_aus]

Sweetie, I can honestly say that having been where you are now and still working throught things, that you really need to take some time to think about yourself and your partner, I was with my partner for nearly 7 years before I brought up the subject of being TG, and whilst she has been very accepting and tried to be there for me, she, like your partner is heterosexual, I can no more ask her to be in a relationship with me, than she can ask me to be a man.

As much as it hurts, as its has been pointed out by others, your GID and partner are mutually opposed, this is not to say that a relationship cannot work, becuase it can, but it is very rare, and many "straight" relationships will not survive transition.

Its a hard road we are faced with, and not something anyone would choose to deal with, but you need to stop and consider her feelings, and your own and communicate with her, remain open with eachother, that is the key, it doesn't mean that things will work but at least you will both know where you stand.

I wish I could offer you more advice, but to be honest, I am still quite bitter in the eyes of love, I felt as you do about my partner, and still do, and to know that without intending to I have caused her pain, pain which I can never take away, never make better, never heal, kills me inside, but so does being a man, or at least being seen as a man, for me if I tried to continue to live the lie, I wouldn't live long, so I made the choice to continue living, and paid the price, I don't know if I will ever find someone that I feel the same way about, but all I can say is this is an individual decision, something you need to work out.

I wish you and your partner all the best and hope that things can work for you,

Sarah

[blair]

Stories like this are all too common in the transgender community, but it doesn't make them any less heartbreaking. The choice is difficult for many, and you see a lot of people that denied who they were and went forward. Many times years and years passed before they came to the realization that they just have to be who they are. I've never met another TS that's said they wish they would've waited to transition. Hopefully as you move forward in your own transition the love between the two of you will be enough to keep you together. I wish you all the best.

[babykittenful]

I'm surprised to see how many people answered my post. From what I read, it seems like most of you think I should leave my girlfriend in order to avoid future problem. While I'm sure you can understand why such a possibility really breaks my hearth, I believe I have other reasons to stay with her, at least for a while.

First, right now, I'm not sure of anything. I know I experience GID, but for all I know, this could be a temporary situation, or at least be something that I could change without having to go trough the whole process of transition. While I know that being in a relationship where I know that transition is sure to break my hearth makes it very tempting to fall back into denial, I believe that the chances for this to happen right now are minimal. I am actively consulting therapist in order to discuss about and I manage to feel like I am progressing, even if I stay with my girlfriend. Lately, I have "tried" falling back in denial and found that it was impossible. The wall I had constructed to protect myself is broken and the torrent is to strong for me to attempt any reconstruction. Right now, my only option is to confront my fear and go with the flow, wherever that leads me.

Therefore, I believe that even with the added pressure of knowing that where I go might lead to the end of my relationship, I prefer to cling to it for as long as I can. I love her and she loves me. Any moment shared with her will be precious, and I look forward for this period of my exploration to be one where I fully take advantage of what could possibly be the last moments spent with the love of my life.