Hiya guys, my name's Elizabeth.
It's really refreshing to find a forum dedicated to the sensitive subject of transgender and transsexuality.
For a very long time I've wanted to be able to communicate with people in a similar situation to myself. However, very few people find the subject easy to understand and are unable to give advice to someone like me. People can also be very cruel and mocking.
I am going to tell you my story and perhaps you could give me some advice.
Since a very early age (about 3) I have always wanted to be a girl. The first memory I have is asking my mum to buy me a nurses outfit. I loved dressing up as a girl, wearing my sisters and mothers clothes. I found this both highly good fun and relaxing. I loved wearing makeup, dresses and high heels. This would often result in me pretending to be school teacher (female) a mum or witch.
I think I felt something was wrong with me at that age. I didn't really feel comfortable as a boy and always wanted to be the same as my sister.
However, I had a fairly decent pre school childhood and my family have always been fantastic.
When I started to school, things went down hill rapidly. I became very shy (I had always been extroverted) and found it very hard to get on with my peers. I just didn't seem to fit it and became over emotional. I am a very emotional person anyway but I just felt like a failure. Something was wrong and I didn't know what.
Both primary and junior school were terrible experiences for me. As I got older things got worse. At the same time I continued to feel confused about my gender. At this point I had not grown out of dressing up as a girl.
When I was about 8, I can remember the day very clearly when I heard about a man who had undergone a sex change operation. This was the first time I realised that these procedures do exist. I was both confused, excited and jealous of the person who'd undergone treatment. This helped to put things in perspective and I decided that I wanted one.
I continued to have a very rough time at school. Being referred to an educational psychologist for attention seeking and bad behaviour. This was very confusing for a young child as I knew that I wasn't a bad person. I was picked on for being different and tried to skip school as frequently as possible.
At the age of 10, I entered a school fancy dress competition dressed as a girl and won first prize. This actually earnt me a lot of respect from class mates as they thought I was ultra brave (I knew that wasn't the case).
I was still dressing up as much as possible at this point, questioning my gender and wishing to change things. I wanted to be a girl so much as I felt I was one.
When I started secondary school, the nightmares began.
This was the worst period of my life to date. The school was an all boys school. I felt confused as soon as I walked in and developed panic attacks and anxiety disorder. It was a 'very' stressful time for me.
My classmates picked up on this and I was bullied. I felt very depressed when they spoke about girls as I knew I didn't belong with them.
Pubery was a very depressing and uncomfortable time for me.
I continued to dress up as a woman, but by this time due to my age it became more secretive. I questioned my sexuality and was convinced I was gay. This is because I was more interested in boys than girls. Lots of my classmates thought I was gay.
I was referred to a clinical psychologist at 11, who didn't really do a lot for me. I spoke about lots of things accept the routed problem. It was more about combating anxiety problems, obsessive behaviour and fears. It was a waste of time and I never felt the therapist could offer help (I was beyond that). I was a nervous wreck.
Eventually I switched schools which was a little better. However, I still felt isolated and failed to make friends. Always the loner.
Depression grew and I started to suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder due to my insecurities. Went to see a hypnotherapist who did not solve anything.
Started to lose touch of reality when I was 16. I had always been very honest with my emotions up until that point. Although I had been a wreck and over emotional, deep down I always felt sincerity and honesty. However, at 16 I lost this and I developed obsessions to escape from my insecurities. Things like worrying about religion, germs, existence. I regret this as I was only hiding from the real proble.
This continued after school through college wih depression worsening. Just really bad.
Still feeling like a woman inside and dressing as one whenever I could.
I'm 21 now and fed up with the confusion and pain I have been suffering for many years.
I feel like I'm starting to rediscover myself after a very long time. Regaining my sense of honesty and sincerity. Bored with all the avoiding of the true me.
I want to be me for once. Do what I really want to do. I feel so comfortable when dressed up as a woman both physically and spiritually. I feel myself.
I realise that I have been hiding away beneath anxiety and fear for years. Thing is, I never really connected my gender confusion with my depression. But it makes sense now.
I want to start living as a woman full time. It's my belief that if I'm not able to correspond to how I feel inside things will never improve for me.
