When, How & What to Say?

[Nilisa]

I know it's a personal thing, but I'd like some advice.

I've been - over the past few months - experimenting with some clothing here and there, and it's reinforced my 'belief' that I'm transgendered. I won't go into all the details as that might be best suited to a blog or something similar, but my feelings have been on/off & kinda strong/weak for about 5 years now. I feel like I'm almost about to hit a brick wall in terms of what I can do to experiment as I still live with my mum (I'm 21, you see), and as such it feels like coming out is the only next step available to me. I've spoken to my GP about it, and he's aware I have these issues, and I'm also due for my first counselling/psych appointment in August (Ugh, don't get me started on that) - So any gender clinics or specialists are at least six/seven months away at this point. My mum doesn't even know I have this appointment, or that I've spoken to the GP about these issues, and this is where things start to - for me - get complex.

My mum, for those who care of such things, is a Daily MailFail (Famed for its poor handling of trans stories) reader, and she's made comments from time to time that make me question how accepting she can be. Over the past months I've freed myself a little and been a bit careless with how I walk/body language, and she's made no comment which is good, and I often say I'm the more feminine of me and my sister (Which I am :p ).

I think it's only fair I come out to her before I have my appointment, but I don't know when else I should or how. I've pretty much decided on writing her a letter (Something I should really do soon), but I don't know how to give it to her. I start a near full-time job on Monday (5 days a week, 11-5 ) and one option I have is to write this letter and leave it by the kettle when I leave for work (As I'll leave after her), so when she gets back it'll be there. The problem is that I would likely - knowing my luck - come home when she's halfway through it, and I would rather she had some time to digest what's in it. Another option I have would be to write it, hand it to her at night (When she's in bed) and let her read it and specifically ask she doesn't talk to me about it until the next day, with a third being leaving it by the kettle when I go to bed one night (She's up hours before me, so she'll get it then) so she can read it in the morning before work.

Finally, I'm not sure what to say. I know I need to get across that I think this is who I am and that I need her support, but what else? Should I leave most of the details - How far I want to go, what name I'd like etc - until a later point?

I... I'm not sure if I should come out at this stage, though. I'm pretty sure I am trans one moment, and the next I'm less sure, but the feelings never cease nor do they ever go away for any length of time. It's a constant droning in my head.

[spacial]

May I suggest you wait till after your first appointment before telling her?

[ClaireA]

May I suggest you wait till after your first appointment before telling her?

That sounds like a good suggestion, but it is understandable that you might not want to wait that long. If you think she'll react badly, it might be a good idea to get to a point where you are able to support yourself - you don't want to find yourself kicked out with nowhere to go.

Either way, I wish you the best!

[Nilisa]

It's quite a long time away, though, and I'm not sure I can hide it for another 7-ish months. I've slipped up once or twice in regards to leaving the odd bit of clothing around, and how long is it until I say something that gives me away?

Maybe a few times a week, she'll say something and I'll have to bite back what I was going to say because it'll give me away.

[spacial]

Understand.

But I'm just a little concerned that you don't have the confidence to tell her face to face.

That's fine, in itself. Few of us have that much confidence. But it does suggest that you do fear a negative reaction.

If you wait till after your first appointment, you can chat about this important step with the therapist. Equally important, once you've had the first appointment it becomes, in your mum's eyes, something that has an official rationale, rather than just another passing fancy. (Which is natural for most parents).

[Nilisa]

Fear isn't the word I don't really talk to my mum about things, and it's probably not a good thing. We've never really sat down and had a proper talk about... Well, anything bar my exam results.

As for why I should wait - that's true, and I agree with what you're saying. I'm not really one for passing fancies, however, at least not any more. I'm not so much worried about her not accepting it, I'm more worried about how she'd react.

[Sarah B]

Hi Nilisa

I just came across your thread where you have mentioned that you have a new job (oh by the way congratulations), which made me read your posts.  In this post you mentioned:

I've spoken to my GP about it, and he's aware I have these issues, and I'm also due for my first counselling/psych appointment in August (Ugh, don't get me started on that) - So any gender clinics or specialists are at least six/seven months away at this point.

Sounds like you want to have an appointment a lot sooner.  There is the private route versus the NHC one.  This was discussed in another thread just recently, however I do not have the link at the moment and when I find it I will add it to this post.

So you could go the private and get seen a lot sooner, because you have a job and could pay for the private therapy.

As others have said, do not tell your mum just yet.  Find out as much as you can in regards to your feelings about your gender identity, in the mean time.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Nilisa]

Oh, very much so. I went to my GP last year (Think late summer/early Autumn, could be wrong), and it's about a year between the initial contact and the actual appointment.

I agree about the private care, and it was something I completely forgot to ask him (My GP, that is), but I will look into it now that money is within my grasp.  Is it that expensive? I, for some reason, have the figure of £40 per session in my head but I would guess that's a bit low.

Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate them. I'll try not to let things slip for now

[Sarah B]

Hi Nilisa

The thread I mentioned above is called the "The NHS route UK"

I hope this helps you.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Nilisa]

Thanks, Sarah! I appreciate it

It's possible to have private psych and go NHS for the actual slicing and dicing, isn't it? I think that might work best for me as so far the NHS has been nothing but a shambles with this. I'm pretty sure I've not been referred to a gender specialist, too, just the standard brain pokers.