Money or Love?

[Ryno]

This isn't the typical "Which would you choose" question. I seriously need advice. I do't like my city, my living situation is tense and stressful, I can't find a second job and the one I'm working isn't giving me enough shifts. I just got an offer to move in with a good friend of mine (I know I know don't live with your friends, I've learned that already). The factory he works at is hiring, I love factory work (I built parts for Dodge and Ford in the summer, best work I've ever done. Greasy, hard, intense and rugged). I need good money to pay off my credit bills, and the job offers reeaally good money.

But I believe I've found the love of my life, who is going to university for her masters degree in this city. She has a great, stable job she's kept for over five years. She has a great relationship with her parents who live here in this city. I love her. I really do. But if I move, I'd have to move two hours away from her and that would mean breaking up.

There are two big opportunities I need to choose between: paying off my debts and living debt-free, as well as setting aside some money for my future; or allowing my first healthy, happy relationship grow, whether we're meant to be or not.

Which would you guys choose?? I'm having trouble. I know I have time to think it over but still. Baaahhh.

[Mrs Erocse]

I don't understand why a 2 hr drive means breaking up? On weekends you can still see her and apply for a job in the city near her, but in the mean time you work and live where you have to. We used to drive 2 hrs to work everyday and back again. It is not ideal but workable as I see it anyway.

Hugs.
Wishing you the best.
Patty

[Epigania]

I had to make this choice once.  I chose money and in retrospect I made a poor choice.

I ignored love in my quest for a successful career and now live a lonely life.

I suggest finding a happy medium.  how long until your girlfriend graduates?  is she willing to move after she does?  I'm going to bet she will want to apply her degree somewhere and that might involve moving.

[Britney♥Bieber]

I agree with Patty Do both!

[Ryno]

It's true, I thought of commuting by bus once a month to see her and my potential roomie has a sister who drives him home to our home city quite often, free of charge. I'd be able to see my babe, it doesn't necessarily mean breaking up. But it means missing her, and I miss her when she goes to school or work for a few hours hahaha.

She and I have talked about moving to the Big City (Toronto) when she graduates. She'll be in her program for two and a half years because she's part-time. She wants to move to a new city as well, we've both been here too long, the conservative atmosphere of this city is getting old, fast.

I will talk to her about it. I need a job, and one that pays. I'm not in school, I do ->-bleeped-<- all with my life, I'm spending my days waiting for phone calls from potential employers and getting nothing. I need to make something of my life, take a chance, change.

But I'm already putting a lot on my girlfriend's shoulders with my transition. She's handling it really well, but this is her first relationship, period. I don't want to put a lot of stress on her, I want her to be happy and I want her to feel secure. I've been through 9 attempts at love. I have 8 exes. I don't want to do that to her, it sucks. And I don't want another ex.

I'm just worried about her needs as well.
D: I'll figure this one out, I just wanted some outside thoughts. You know how it is.

[Britney♥Bieber]

My advice to you is ask if she can handle the long distance struggle, get the job and be away from her, but whenever you can, look for good jobs near you. From what I'm getting you need this factory job to pay off debt? Well then you NEED to take care of your debt first I think. Because you can call or skype her. My sister won't see her fiance for a year, he's in Afghanistan for a year, and she's due to have his baby in April. Not making you feel bad or anything, just saying long distance IS doable and if you need to pay off debt, I suggest paying it off first would be in great advantage to both of you in the future. Keep us updated and of course we're all here to talk anytime. Good luck!

[Sean]

This isn't really a long distance move. It means weekend visits, but as you pointed out, it is doable. Masters degree programs aren't forever. This job need not be forever. This relationship may not be forever. As you point out, you both are thinking your current city may not be forever.

If your relationship is a good one, if you have good communication skills, if you make each other a priority, then your relationship will easily survive this distance until life gets more sorted out for both of you.

It sounds like it boils down to "I can make more money and do a job I like but I'll miss my girlfriend."Which...ok. That makes sense. If it were me, I'd deal with missing my girlfriend instead of continuing a dead end path that I'm not happy with because it lets me see someone I love more often. And if my girlfriend had a hard time with my choice, I'd be suspicious that she isn't the right person for me.

[Ryno]

Wow.
Thanks guys and girls.

Letting me see this in a better light... I get panicky, a wonderful trait I got from my dad. He gets flustered, and so do I. So the advice is very much appreciated.

I think I might do this. Factory work is what my dad does, he has his castle, he had his nuclear family (two kids and a wife, in a middle-class cookie-cutter home, until my mom passed away and everything blew up and his one daughter turned out gay and is now a son . . . little does he know mwahahaha)

But anyway, my dad has made a career of factory work, he has a respectable life, he works hard. I've done factory work before and I loved it. This job would be in a similar sector; I made car parts, now I'd be making chainsaw parts. As opposed to boxes, or cereal, or dolls or something. This factory pays much higher than most others in the entire southern ontario area, they cover medical and dental, they have contracts that lead to full-time salary...

And if my girl and I stick it out and we move into Toronto together, I can commute to work very easily from Toronto. The public transit system connecting sister cities is amazing.

Sorry for the rambling. You guys are helping me think this all through. Next step is talking it through with my girlfriend, I know she will be willing to try. And I only expect her to try. I can't force her through something she can't do, right?

ps. Mrs. Erocse: I love your new display picture. Looks gorgeous I noticed you must have just changed it since I started this thread so I thought I'd at least mention it.

[Da Monkey]

Welllll since it is me you are thinking of moving in with, I think you should do it.

Hahah it will be so much fun.

[Mrs Erocse]

Thank you Ryan D.. I did just change my avatar. My daughter did my hair for me here. She has cut it again since but I don't have a pic yet. Or one I want up.

Jay and Ryan. I see fun times ahead for you two.

Good Luck and many hugs.
Patty

[lisagurl]

Which would you guys choose??

If you have to think about it you already made a choice.

[Jacquelyn]

As usual Patty is pretty spot on. 2 hours is nothing. I have two friends who spent the last 5 years living 8 hours away from each other, and they made it work.

Will it take more than the average amount of communication to keep things steady? Probably. Is it worth it? That is entirely up to you two. If she is the love of your life a mere two hours between the two of you should be easy peasy. It sounds to me like you are doubting whether you two can make it (and odds are if you absolutely MUST be around each other 24/7 then it probably won't work).

I hope that you two can figure something out that works for you both.




Hugs,
Jackie

[Cindy]

I know a couple who live in Darwin and Adelaide, a six hour air flight. Two hours? Love?  You have Skype, Facebook etc etc.

If you worry about two hours let her find another guy (sorry). Sounded harsher than I meant.

Cindy

[Sarah B]

There is a guy where I work and he went home to wife and the kids every second weekend, this year it will be every weekend, I of course said. that sucks, I suggested flying to his loved one, compared to driving.  Anyway distance he has to travel by car? 6 hours plus. (500km or about 800 miles310.6 miles).

Go to the new job and do whatever it takes to win the heart of your girlfriend.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Kind regards
Sarah B
Edit: Corrected the distance. I multiplied when I should have divided.  Sheesshh, I of all people should know better than that.

[Ryno]

I talked to my girlfriend about it. She wants me to go I'm scared ->-bleeped-<-less, It's my first big move since I was 2 months old. Hahaha. But I'll also be two hours away from my father and a two-hour bus ride to the rest of my insane Catholic family. So, maybe I can come out to him as trans as well and the space will ease tension. If not, we're two hours apart xD

I'm doing it.

Like I said, I get panic-stricken pretty easily. Apparently I have anxiety, meds have helped but certain things do overwhelm me....

Thanks for the advice. I just lack confidence (and experience) in my ability to maintain a long distance relationship. I guess it probably goes with my anxiety, the thought of being so far from my familiar surroundings, my safety net, my loved ones. And the thought of change terrifies me. But I feel stagnant. My whole life. It's just at a stand-still, sitting, wasting away. I need something new!!

And I will be saving up for a future with my girlfriend. For both of us. Maybe save for a truck for me, a house for us, set some money aside for a ring and a big day. I think she's worth it. I'm used to dating selfish, immature *explicits* so I was scared she'd leave me, or not understand how important this opportunity is for both of us. Of course, she's a lot older and wiser than my previous significant others. So naturally, despite a few small tears, she got through it very well. And she said she's proud of me.

This is awesome!!

Thanks for the great advice guys. I love this forum. <3

[Amazon D]

Your not giving her up your showing her you want a future for the both of you so you are willing to get that job and help save for your future together.

[Ryno]

I did the math. In a 6-month contract with this job, I'll make over 9000, with rent, groceries/etc (500/month)., and my debts deducted. 9000 to put away from just one contract. Plus, if I'm signed onto another 6-month or given permanent employment, I'll have no more debts to pay off so that means an even higher income = more savings. I'll have a downpayment on a house in a year, OR a new or lightly used car in a year, OR a vacation for my girl and I in a year, OR a savings fund for my girl and I in a year (for a possible wedding in a couple of years, and possible children someday who will need a good education and lots of fun things to grow up with).

I think this is my life-changing opportunity. The road to the rest of my life so to speak. Yaay opportunities!!

You're right M2FtM2..gdfg... sorry lol. every time I look back I forget the order.
I kind of feel like a man now. You know. Setting the foundation of my future and my future family. Building my Kingdom... Ryan, the Irish King! Mwahaha. I'm  not getting full of myself, I'm jsut proud of myself.

now I just have to apply lol.

[Sarah B]

Hi Ryan D

You said:

I did the math. In a 6-month contract with this job, I'll make over 9000, with rent, groceries/etc (500/month)., and my debts deducted. 9000 to put away from just one contract. Plus, if I'm signed onto another 6-month or given permanent employment, I'll have no more debts to pay off so that means an even higher income = more savings. I'll have a downpayment on a house in a year, OR a new or lightly used car in a year, OR a vacation for my girl and I in a year, OR a savings fund for my girl and I in a year (for a possible wedding in a couple of years, and possible children someday who will need a good education and lots of fun things to grow up with).

I think this is my life-changing opportunity. The road to the rest of my life so to speak. Yaay opportunities!!

You're right M2FtM2..gdfg... sorry lol. every time I look back I forget the order.
I kind of feel like a man now. You know. Setting the foundation of my future and my future family. Building my Kingdom... Ryan, the Irish King! Mwahaha. I'm  not getting full of myself, I'm jsut proud of myself.

now I just have to apply lol.

Now you are talking the talk. Excellent choice!!  So what are you waiting for?  Run, don't walk down to the chainsaw factory and sign up now!!!

Kind regards
Sarah B

[lisagurl]

Anyway distance he has to travel by car? 6 hours plus. (500km or about 800 miles)

310.6 miles, A mile is longer than a kilometer.

[Sarah B]

Hi Lisagurl

Thank you for letting me know.  I have corrected the post above.

Kind regards
Sarah B