socializing with guys

[jmaxley]

First off, I have really bad social anxiety, so socializing is awkward for me anyway, but it's even more so when I'm talking with guys.  Most of my life, most of my socializing has been with women.  I worry that I won't be able to fit in with the guys, that they'll be able to pick up that I'm different.  I have almost no confidence whatsoever when it comes to socializing with them.  And I still feel almost like I'm an imposter.  Being around guys makes me even more aware of my female anatomy, and I hate that feeling too.

[Nikolai_S]

I understand the feeling. I've had crappy social skills my whole life anyway, and the only people who generally approached me for conversation were women. I've had some conversations with guys that I feel fine with, but if I was ever in an entirely male setting I'd probably feel very awkward. On the other hand... even though I wouldn't know how to fit into a group of guys, I don't know how to fit into a group of humans either. They'll know I'm "different," just like most people I talk to know I'm "different." But it'll probably be less about gender and more about the fact that I'm awkward and geeky.

Feeling like an impostor... I feel that way in any solely male or solely female place. Sleepovers were a nightmare because I had the fear that one of them was going to somehow figure out I wasn't a girl. Completely irrational. Now I have the only slightly more rational fear that the same will happen in reverse. Now my anatomy isn't backing me up. And I don't know quite how to get around that. T has definitely made me less self conscious and less aware of my anatomy. Hopefully it will end up making those situations less uncomfortable.

[Cindy]

Socialization among men and woman is totally different. And is also culture, economic and ethnic influenced.

As I suggestion I would join a club. Sounds daft but try joining an amateur theatrical club. There are heaps of jobs to do besides acting, they need the people to do props etc etc etc. They are also tend to attract people who are gender accepting (in my experience) and with people who want to make friends. They also run regular parties and stuff because they as a group joined to socialize.  If you are Gay you could try Gay clubs but in my experience Gay venues are safe for TG but not very accepting. The other that springs to mind are motor (automobiles to you guys) clubs. Again they are non-confrontational, but tend to be specialized.

Again I suggest thinking where guys like you would want to be. Like you wasn't meant in any sexual sense just as in your interests. Lots of young guys are into heavy drinking and T driven violent behaviour, I would suggest not being part of that for all sorts of reasons. There are heaps of guys who are not into that part of life who are just nice men. If you find one wrap him up and post him to me

Cindy

[ForWantOf]

There are heaps of guys who are not into that part of life who are just nice men. If you find one wrap him up and post him to me

Cindy

lol That was cute and definitely made me smile 



But to jmaxley, I'm also in the same situation. I feel really insignificant around guys and I hate the feeling, and I also have almost no confidence when it comes to them.
I'm very nervous of socializing with guys once I transition, and I refuse to at this point because they're after more than friendship and see me as a female, but I'm a straight male so it doesn't work out quite so well.
But all I can really say is that you should have a bit more confidence, some guys you talk to aren't going to like you and others will love you and that's how it goes with all people in general.
If someone picks up on you being different and they have a problem with it you shouldn't associate with them anyway.

I think things will go so much more smoothly for you than you could ever imagine, and like Cindy said, try to find guys like you, as you would with any other friends regardless of your gender. Don't try to fit in with people you don't even like just to feel more confident in your identity, but do it for the pure reward of good friendship.

[gilligan]

Even though I've associated with females my whole life, I feel I fit in better with guys despite some of them knowing I'm trans. I've got the same cheesy sense of humor and have some of the same interests.

[Devin87]

I've had a lot of male friends in my life.  I grew up in a neighborhood where all the kids around my age were male and I was their leader-- so I've been "one of the guys" for a long time.  It's a lot harder now that I'm older, though.  Once I got beyond high school I didn't have as many guy friends (one of the disadvantages of going to a woman's college) and so I don't have the interaction with more adult males.  And where I'm living right now the only people around to socialize with are fellow teachers at our school and we've only got one male teacher this year and he's pretty anti-social.  I think I talk to him the best out of all the others, though and he seems to like talking to me the best, but it's hard now to not interact with men as a girl.  I tend to still get those flirty smiles and start teasing him, but then again I've found I do that same thing when I talk to a lot of women.  So idk...  I guess it's hard to tell when I'm not around many guys.

[jmaxley]

Thanks for the replies.  This is one of my biggest fears about transitioning. 

What Cindy said about joining a club is a good idea.  There's nothing really where I'm at now but I'm hoping to end up moving near somewhere where there's more opportunities to socialize.  I have joined an lgbt group but have to drive pretty far to get there and they only meet once a month.  I have gotten to socialize a little with some of the guys there.  The theatrical club sounds cool, I did some work in a theater club in college and it was pretty fun.

There are heaps of guys who are not into that part of life who are just nice men. If you find one wrap him up and post him to me

If I find one, I may have to keep him for myself.  What with the cost of shipping, ya know? :p

I'm very nervous of socializing with guys once I transition, and I refuse to at this point because they're after more than friendship and see me as a female, but I'm a straight male so it doesn't work out quite so well.

I've had this problem.  I thought I was doing pretty good with this guy that I was trying to be friends with.  Then one day he started feeling on my arm and I looked at him like WTH?  And he was like "What?  You don't like that?"  He definitely didn't see me as a dude. 

But all I can really say is that you should have a bit more confidence, some guys you talk to aren't going to like you and others will love you and that's how it goes with all people in general.
If someone picks up on you being different and they have a problem with it you shouldn't associate with them anyway.

I think things will go so much more smoothly for you than you could ever imagine, and like Cindy said, try to find guys like you, as you would with any other friends regardless of your gender. Don't try to fit in with people you don't even like just to feel more confident in your identity, but do it for the pure reward of good friendship.

Good advice.

[Brent123]

I know how you feel. It's hard fro me to talk to guys, mostly because I get envious of what they have and I don't. I feel like they'd pick me out as different right away. I mean, I grew up around guys and there are a few I'm comfortable with because they know me. It's harder to get to know other guys.

[Tad]

meh they are just another human, not all that hard to socialize with at all. Both genders have topics that miff me... makeup, cars, hair.. blahblah blah... both genders have topics or whatever that i can socialize on.. I'm good to go.

Apparenlty I'm easy to get along with.. so maybe that's why I don't have issues socializing with males or females.

[Lukas-H]

I find it difficult because some (not all) of them tend to flirt with me quite openly and I'm always met with a conundrum of what to do. I may accidently flirt a little back, but I'm in a serious relationship right now so I'm not interested in anything more than friendship from other people so there is always the problem of getting that message across to someone.

The other problem is that while it surprises me more than shocks me that they will flirt with me even when I'm in 'guy mode' but they of course still know me as the female that they went to high school with or know from their old job etc, so they've just always known me as a tomboy. I'm not going to be coming out right in public and telling them 'Do you know you're flirting with someone who identifies as a man?'

In other settings where I'm not being flirted with I'm usually pretty comfortable but will naturally bristle whenever I can tell they are treating me different or treading lightly. Is there a more tactful way to tell people you don't like this or do you think they just prefer if you don't beat around the bush and say it outright?

[GnomeKid]

I've always been equally uncomfortable talking to both genders.
I've never felt like I don't belong specifically amongst guys, or girls for that matter, but I have felt like I don't belong in certain conversations.  Its more subject matter, and shared interests [or lack there of] than gender that allows for a good conversation/friend.

[Afakasii]

Totally understand what you mean, like gnome ive always felt equally uncomfortable socializing with both males and females.
So much so that the thought of it sets off my dysphoria. 

[Shang]

First off, I have really bad social anxiety, so socializing is awkward for me anyway, but it's even more so when I'm talking with guys.  Most of my life, most of my socializing has been with women.  I worry that I won't be able to fit in with the guys, that they'll be able to pick up that I'm different.  I have almost no confidence whatsoever when it comes to socializing with them.  And I still feel almost like I'm an imposter.  Being around guys makes me even more aware of my female anatomy, and I hate that feeling too.

I've generally socialized with guys better, but now I socialize better with girls.  I really have no idea why, either.  Though it's possible the guys I've met here just seem "crude" and it makes me not want to hang out with them.  And I'm aware that all they see is a girl that they might want to bang, and I'm not at all comfortable with that.

Girls, on the other hand, I've been able to strike up friendships with and two of whom know my status and they call me by all of the right pronouns even given how I look.  Plus, they're just cool regardless of their gender or sex.