Transgender Grieving Help

[japple]

My last two therapy sessions have been terrible.  I have been depressed for the first time in years.

I cry easy and always have.  I cry during just about every movie and TV show, I cry when people are hurt in the news.  I LIKED my ability to cry and thought it helped validate my femininity.

However, in a recent therapy session my therapist asked  me if I was avoiding being sad and that we needed to confront it.  To "shine a light on it."  Just the mention of the word "sad" had me in tears.  I realized after that session that I don't cry because I am extra sensitive.  I cry because there is a this wall of sadness pressing on me constantly.

My therapist said that I was obviously grieving...but for what?  Other than my GID I can't put my fingers on any issues.  Furthermore my therapist has me confused.   I don't know what is cause and what is effect.  I've always been a sad, and had a terrible childhood.  I've always had GID but I DO function pretty well in society as a male.

Does anyway know what I'm talking about? Does anyone feel like they're grieving.  My next appointment is Tuesday and I feel a little better after a talk with my wife and a hot bath...but while I feel this sadness is caused by GID and I need to tackle it..she wants to tackle the sadness separately.   I'm willing to do it, just because my childhood wasn't great and maybe something is there. (Although I think I've moved past it)  I trust this therapist, she's been very helpful to me but is making me doubt my GID or making me feel like GID is something I hung on to to cope. 

[Janet_Girl]

I know what you mean.  I have, for the longest time, had a very angry streak.  The least little thing will set me off.  I thought that if I transitioned it would lessen, which it has.  But I have been shown some things, thru dreams, that the real reason I get so hateful and angry, is that I feel cheated.

Cheated by not having a normal girl's childhood.  I did not get to be that little girl rounding around, being a tomboy.  Growing into a young tween learning how to be a teenager.  Growing up as a young lady, chasing boys.  Even that first love as a woman.

I was forced into something that others thought I was.  Now I have to play catch up.  And trying to survive without a job, does not really leave much to discover that young girl.  The gods know I try.  She alone is now in charge and that scares her too.

Maybe your grieving is directly tied to you losing out on the girl childhood.

[Cindy]

Crying and feeling sad continually is one of the classic signs of depression. I strongly suggest you see your family Dr for a talk. I was in a complete mess until my Dr recognised the signs - I hadn't- and I was back to normal quickly on medication. And the meds are quite mild, I'm on Serotonin producers.

If you Google depression there are several sites that have little quizzes that help you understand if you may have depression or not.

Hugs
Cindy

[japple]

Crying and feeling sad continually is one of the classic signs of depression.

I'm definitely depressed.  I feel like she kicked it off but I'm trying to understand the source.

[Cindy]

Then get HELP. ASAP.

Cindy

[VeryGnawty]

I have, for the longest time, had a very angry streak.  The least little thing will set me off.  I thought that if I transitioned it would lessen, which it has.  But I have been shown some things, thru dreams, that the real reason I get so hateful and angry, is that I feel cheated.

I agree entirely.  It seems that many trans people have serious emotional issues.  I also get angry easily and have serious antisocial problems.  I probably would not have any of this if I were born female, seeing as how most of this stuff developed specifically from trying to deal with dysphoria for so many years.

[Kelli]

I went through a period like that myself. It was during the very early stages of my transition.

The good news, is that it WILL pass. Just dont be afraid to walk through it! And remember, you never have to walk through it alone!

It sounds like you're on the right path and have professionals in your life providing assistance.

Keep talking about it! It DOES get better!

[japple]

Then get HELP. ASAP.

It's not that, it's not dangerous and I'm already in therapy twice a week.. I guess I just felt very blue.  I still need to figure out why she used the word grief. If that sadness is a common thing.

[japple]

I went through a period like that myself. It was during the very early stages of my transition.

Do you know why?  I've been thinking today that it might be about coming out.  I came out to my Dr. that morning and talked to him about hormones.  I had come out to a lot of friends and to anyone who I felt like I needed to.  I feel like I'm being very brave but also potentially really foolish.  I've never ever doubted that I was trans before, but my therapist's wanted to work on other things has me paranoid that maybe she knows something about me that I don't....that she's going to figure out something and I'm going to be OCD or Bipolar or something that I've never heard of.

It's odd, that right as I really kind of accept that I'm trans and feel brave enough to maybe start really doing something about it...I start falling apart.

[japple]

the real reason I get so hateful and angry, is that I feel cheated.
....

Maybe your grieving is directly tied to you losing out on the girl childhood.

I've thought a lot about what you said.  It makes some sense but I don't consciously think it's the same for me.  I've found a lot of happiness around all the negative stuff and have very few regrets. 

[japple]

seeing as how most of this stuff developed specifically from trying to deal with dysphoria for so many years.

There is a chicken or the egg to it.  There are personality disorders that manifest as GID.  I obviously have personality issues, and I'm worried that she's going to see a symptom as the disease and we waste time....or worse...I have some other messed up thing that manifested itself as GID.    If I hadn't had a bad childhood I wouldn't even consider it could be something else.  I guess I'm being very open to possibilities which is throwing me for a loop.

The other thing I realized is that I feel really attached to my trans identity.  I hated it for so long but when considering that she might be thinking about something else...I had a negative reaction to her and cried over thinking about losing it.

Without my trans identity I feel like I have very little identity at all.  I have good personality traits, but nothing for them to stick to.

[Cruelladeville]

Wise words once more from Cindy....

Though I think it also true that for some that have a fairly successful male personae, that can include family and friends...work et al... When this gets trashed... a period of grieving the loss of past self is natural...

Also the TG journey is fraught with stress, I remember the relief of waking-up post original SRS back in the early 1990s – I had a weepy few days...after for sure.

Because the enormity of what i'd been through, how hard i'd pushed/worked to get there caught up with me... and broke through.

This is a tough trip, make no mistake – and the many low points you will encounter – can trigger deep sadness and loss feelings that you harbour for a whole host of reasons...

My dad died in 2002, but still now I can have bad days where the 'lack' of him pushes me still into deep morose for an hour or two...

But I look at the sad times as the counter-balances to the good... and oft great.

And a normal life will always include sadness for sure. So embrace it for what it is....but if you're stuck in an ever downward spiral, wallowing – then for that you'll outside help for sure.

[Debra]

I used to cry at anything when it came to talking about my biological mom in any way. This was BEFORE transition. I never knew why. I speculate that it has to do with how much I love her and tried to please her and yet how much was missing from our relationship....I think I really wanted that mother-daughter relationship and never could have it.

Now I cry about it because both of my parents disowned me so yeah.

Sometimes there are deeper things in effect subconsciously

[rar]

I still need to figure out why she used the word grief.

Do you think the word grief is the right word for what you feel?

It's odd, that right as I really kind of accept that I'm trans and feel brave enough to maybe start really doing something about it...I start falling apart.

This happened to me too. It was like my denial about being trans was a plug, and when it went, all my other issues came pouring out.

(Disclaimer: The following unsolicited advice is from what I've learned that helps me. You are the only one who can know what works for you, and all inapplicable advice should be ignored.) When you cry, do you let yourself cry or do you try to stop it? I tend to find insight into emotions I don't understand by embracing them. Cry and cry and cry and don't worry, for now, about why you're doing it. Hours, days, whatever – let out as much as you can (and drink lots of water).  Sooner or later, at least for me, the reason will just pop out. But don't embrace depression. It can be hard to separate depression-crying from healthy-emotion-crying, but you have your therapist to help you with that.

[japple]

Do you think the word grief is the right word for what you feel?

No.  That's why I was so confused.  I have a therapy appt tomorrow and wasn't sure what I was going to talk about.  I guess I'll ask her why she used that word.

It can be hard to separate depression-crying from healthy-emotion-crying, but you have your therapist to help you with that.

I cry and let myself cry all the time.  I am not depressed..just got depressed for about half a day.

I do bottle up my gender stuff.

[japple]

you cannot make progress in therapy without trusting your therapist to some extent. in my opinion, it sounds like she is doing well
in trying to help you identify what makes you sad, which is integral in the therapeutic process.

She's a great therapist.  I do get frustrated though because I know what make me sad..my GID.  Other than that my life is great.  It seems like she's always pushing around for other things like my childhood and relationship with my parents and stuff but none of that stuff causes me concern.  I don't dwell on or am haunted by anything but GID.

I feel like I'm just "doing the time" and letting her poke around at nothing at a genuinely happy person who wouldn't even consider therapy except for my one big problem...and the problems it causes.