Are Transsexuals More Successful?

[melissa42013]

So I noticed recently, that my story seems to be repeated over and over on posts I've seen recently on Susan's. It seems to me that there are a lot of really successful TS on this site. Many have given up "their success"  and started over to transition. (and I'm at that crossroad now) I'm interested to hear your thoughts on this. So here it goes.............

In a nutshell – I'm 37, always knew I was Trans. (Thought I could push it down beneath the surface.... didn't work) Got married to a beautiful woman. Had two great kids. By 32 I was a Director in a >$175 million company, left to start my own company, etc, etc. I've worked on Capitol Hill, been on TV a dozen times, spoke to large crowds, etc. etc. In other words I've been "successful" in life but a miserable failure (until recently) in dealing with my TG issues.

So through accepting this I have found myself wondering if I would have been so successful had I not been a transsexual. Here's my logic. By being TS I knew I was different (even though I hid it well), By knowing I was different I felt "the path most traveled" was not mine. I blazed my own course in everything. Because of this I stood out. I got promoted over my peers. I took risks that others would not.

I also found that it impacted my managerial style. I didn't relate to the masculine managerial method (do this or else). I found that I could see things in the way women and men worked together and used that to my advantage. In meetings I saw the women take submissive roles (and loose) or if they tried to compensate they got labeled "bitches". Guys also got similar labels. I took and indirect route.... Challenging to a point, backing down, and addressing the issue off line – and most of the time I ended up winning. I watched the guys in the same position challenge the boss and flat out loose. The women would assume it was because they were women and give up. But I took a different tact and I feel it was directly related to my gender issues.

I don't know how my views would have changed had I transitioned in my 20's but I can tell you one thing. If you have strong goals, and don't push aggressively, regardless of pre-or post transition you won't achieve them.

I guarantee you that there are a number millionaires reading this post right now, wishing they could respond, but feeling they will loose it all they get caught. Successfull but scared. (email me if you cant post and want to talk. melissa42013 at gmail.com) And if you're just starting out. Think about the things I posted above – look for the gaps that exist at your workplace and fill them in. Smooth the joints between gender tension, and you will help others and win at the same time.  (always think Win Win – never win at another's expense)

I've got a bunch of other thoughts on how it's impacted me in a POSITIVE way but rather than "long-posting" I'd like to hear your thoughts.

-M

[Janet_Girl]

I have read that many girls are successful pre-transition and even post-transition, but I really think that there are more girls who barely made it week to week.

You never hear about them until they are attacked, killed or commit the big checkout.  Those are the girls that have been working the hardest.

[Cindy]

Sadly I think Janet has it in a nutshell. Yes there are successful girls here, but possibly we were successful enough, to survive long enough to be ourselves. In general people with GID issues tend to have poor education standards, poor job recruitments, poor economics. This seems to be driven by an inability to adjust to 'normal' life from an early age, to not be able to socialise with people of our own gender, and to have poor health due to depressive issues that seem to be common among GID people. Also when we transition employment can be a very serious problem. There are a disproportionate of MtF people who have to use prostitution  for basic income than any other group, bar drug addicts. Having GID issues in many countries is a death sentence, you may survive as a Gay male (but not in many countries), but being MtF, you are lower than life and sadly we have had girls on this site going through these problems.

What is impressive is to see so many GID people now going onto to higher education etc, and this, in my opinion, is one of the strengths that the internet in general and Susan's in particular has given to young people with GID. For many of us oldies we never knew we were not alone. We never knew we were normal. For all of my pre-teen and most of my teens I thought I was the only freak like me. My motivation to succeed in life was after being so seriously sexually abused and continuously taunted about it by the abusers, that my only way to survive was to get enough money to get away from where I lived. I did. Yes I'm successful, but most of my sisters aren't, just the opposite;  most of my close friends are fighting a battle to keep going, paying the rent is a battle. Forget clothes and make up. But they keep going; because they are wonderful people who have had to walk a path that no person wants to walk. They are strong because they have been forged in the Hell of GID.  If you haven't suicided before you are in the early twenties you have probably at least tried. OK less thank Goddess in the youngsters, because we can give support.

I respect your post and hope that we can support you here with the problems you are going to face. I'm certainly willing to and I know the love people have on this site. But I suspect you make an hour what most of the girls make in a week.
BTW I'm not ignoring the Guys, just you posted as MtF.

Have a safe journey
Hugs

Cindy  James

[japple]

I'm 36 and have a similar story.  Beautiful, successful, and accepting wife (told her on first date 13 years ago), two kids, my own company,  Been on TV, magazines, news.  Speaker at conferences, colleges,  etc.

I am successful but think the average for trans people would have to be low.  There are plenty of sex workers in our tribe. 

I usually think I'm successful despite my GID.  Since GID has caused countless hours of distraction that haven't contributed to my success.  Then again I see a lot of positives too:

TECH - Anne Lawrence talked about how trans-women often focus on "things" rather than people. I was good with computers early on.

HUMOR - Comedy as defense mechanism came into play. My sense of humor has been pretty key in my success.

ENTREPRENEURSHIP - I also didn't see the straight course as an options and kind of made my own road. I knew I wanted control of my job. I have no problems taking risk.  The book "How We Decide" talks about the emotional reactions being as important as logical ones.  I make gut decisions very quickly.

CREATIVITY - I have a creative job and wasn't tied down to a masculine or feminine creative culture or the expectations that has on a person's work.  I have a very emotional reaction to good design and art.

MANAGERIAL - Same as you... got tuned into gender differences.  As a manager I'm compassionate and generally well liked. 

EMPATHY / INSIGHT - I think I became very sensitive early on to people's reactions toward me and was always a bit suspicious of people.  I would always look for signs that people were trans (and honed a good gaydar) or different in any way.  I can read people fairly well and don't have to be read.  I can play a lot of roles in a situation. 

I think in a couple of the things outlined above GID made me sort of a nihilist.  I can do anything because everything is so wacky and weird and doesn't matter anyway.  All the world's a stage. 

[heatherrose]

I had a business that grossed in excess of $240,000 a year, was married, had four step children,
eight grand-babies and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of things.

Here at five years and two days after I started transition, eight months ago I was living in a women's emergency shelter,
with absolutely nothing. The thought had crossed my mind to join the fish swiming in the freezing river,
a few hundred feet below the steel grate I was standing on, but I never considered revisiting "manhood".

[Northern Jane]

I suppose my story is a bit the opposite of most.

I fought to survive childhood and my teens by finding help for my physical problem, an experience that taught me how to learn (to understand what was wrong with me), to educate (convince people to help), and to never take "No." for an answer. It was the 1950's and 1960's so it was a tough fight! I learned diplomacy, tact, negotiating skills, and most of all persistence!

At 24, when I achieved SRS, I had minimal education, no significant work experience, no money, and no support. I went from down and out on the street, getting food from a food bank, to a leading and respected professional 20 years later, all attributable  to the skills I learned trying to survive.

Are there easier ways to learn those things? OH YEA! Are there more effective ways? I doubt it LOL!

[Asfsd4214]

I dropped out of high school, and am about to drop out of university, at least for now. About 3 weeks ago I tried to commit suicide an am now a resident of a mental hospital. I'm unemployed and get money from my mother, who is likely about to cut me off as she suspects I'm using the money to buy drugs.

Sooooo, I'm definitely not a booming success.

[SarahM777]

Sadly i think Janet and Cindy are far closer to the mark. And after reading a number of others life stories i am beginning to realize that what i went through is far more common then i ever imagined.
I too am a bit older,was abused by an uncle,the harassment in school started in 1st grade and was with the same class for 8 years,started high and was outed within days,(not very good at all being able to hide it) at age 20 was abused by a boss whom i ended living with for 3 years (He was a predator and tried to kill me 3 separate times,threatened to blow up my family and brought home some his friends and used me as a play toy) Thankfully at the end of this time he threw me out and did not have to worry about my family. Ended up working at a number of low paying dead end jobs because any other place refused to even give me a chance. Usually got the good old line you are not quite what we are looking for. Ended up being married twice both of which did not last for more then 6 years. The first lasted all of 2 years,the second being the hardest of the 2,we had met and were married within 3 months,very bad move,she was a recovering alcoholic and i am dealing with my GID,but we did not spend any where near enough time before hand talking about these things,very bad combo,within 2 years both issues were coming coming to the surface. In the end the alcohol took her life and i am still to this day having to deal with the guilt that once the issues came back up if my GID was the breaking point for her. It's been almost 11 years since she passed on. For me it is one of the 2 things i have to be able to let go and it has not been easy.
  Does this mean that it has all been bad? Of course not. On the other hand i have had some very good friends that when i was working at the dry cleaners,we could talk about anything,they accepted me as i was,one of the gals pierced my ears for me,even to the point of looking at clothes and commenting on how they would look cute on me. My mom has been awesome as she has no problem with it and does realize that its real and goes clothes shopping with me and is helping me with picking out clothes and is not freaked out with my laundry. Even my father who went ballistic on me never left me stranded out on the street. And at this time i do work for myself from home and that is finally starting to get to a point that i can support myself. Not great yet but slowly getting there.
  The one thing that i am learning is even though i did go through all those things i can be thankful that in a lot of ways that things were not worse and in some ways i have had some breaks that others have not.
 

[Pinkfluff]

look for the gaps that exist at your workplace and fill them in.

Yeah I did alot of that where I used to work, for the campus IT dept. The only reason I'm not still there is because it was a student job and so now that I'm no longer a student I can't work there anymore. I can't imagine that the supervisor would have anything but good things to say about me if called for a reference, but I fear that it's not enough against a name change on my record and poor physical appearance.

[melissa42013]

Perhaps I missed my mark a bit with the title of this topic. I blame the marketing/sales side of me for trying to catch people's attention. What I am really getting at is this:
"Does the unique perspective that comes with being a transsexual allow us a unique perspective on our interpersonal relationships? Further, can use that understanding to our benefit in ways that others can not?" I know the devastating results transitioning can have. I'm on the edge of it myself.

Perhaps I'm just an eternal optimist, looking for the bright side of an incredible difficult situation. But I can't help but feel that I can "see things" others cannot because of this. I've felt the deep dark side of being this way. I'm just really really tired of it and I have finally come to terms and acceptance and want to make the most of a tragic dilemma.

Keep in mind that I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone who has been in the closet with this all my life. And that social stereotypes and perceptions have not been a part of my public life, until now. I did not have to fight my way up the ladder in high heels, so to speak.

I've come to believe that the real reason for our pain and angst is not our gender feelings, it the feeling we feel from society. If our condition was Parkinson's, Cancer, or something similar our friends and loved ones would rally to our support. They would hug us, and pray for us, and support us. But people don't understand this, there has not been enough in the public to educate people.

Trying to be optimistic, I just wonder what benefits we can draw out of this. I've interviewed and hired a lot of people. Most people aren't worth the time, there is nothing special that they bring to the table. From the employment perspective I can see the dilemma, the special accommodations and employee sensitivity trainings that may be required. Other fears of lawsuits, customer reactions, etc. I get it. But if that same person were to look me in the eye, acknowledge this, and lay out their special skills as I and "japple" listed in this post, wouldn't that present a more compelling case? Perhaps not a slam dunk case. But really, think about it? If you're going to stand out, really stand out. Really make them take a notice.

Gender issues or not this is a tough time to try and find a job. There are a thousand applicants for every job. Employers have a lot of room for selection. So everyone has to stand out .But what if, just what if you could turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength?

Like I said, I'm an eternal optimist. I'm nominating myself official cheerleader ironic) because I there has got to be a bright side to our story. Not the Greek tragedy that seems to befall those stricken. I can't accept the reality of this situation, and I doubt you can either, so why not change it?

-M

[japple]

When the disability is overcome by financial and emotional support GID people tend to be overachievers. There is a lot of us who are the top of our professions/careers/trade/business/arts. However there is also the sad true that many of us are left out "DRY" and with not support in our teens and early twenty's and thus to no fault of our own fail to thrive. 

I kind of fit both camps I suppose. I was homeless in my late teens, then worked at a shelter, lived at the Y in my early 20s for a while, lied and told charity groups that "I needed a bus ticket back home" to get Greyhound tickets to travel and try to make my way. (I've been to 48 states and 18 countries)  I led perverted guys on for clothes, travel, and money.  A girl I met on the Internet and I stole a car and drove across country to another Internet friend's house.  I couch surfed with friends an relatives.  I was really lost and alone and felt unknowable.

I eventually fell into a creative community and started building a life and definitely tried to overachieve. I met an inspiring woman I married.  It took about nine years of job hopping, usually two and three jobs at a time, to kind of find my groove and then I started succeeding pretty quickly. 

I've recently been tackling gender again and trying to be brave but success is making it difficult.  I don't want to lose what I have.  Even the ones who say they aren't loosing a lot slip out that they're declaring bankruptcy or something. 

I also am an optimist..,but under it I am very very afraid.   Sometimes I wonder if my success is just there for a bigger fall.  To show me what life would have been like if I could have been normal.  I've had nothing, it's not great.

[CaitJ]

The woefully unsuccessful trans women aren't going to have internet access, so any conclusions drawn from sites like this are horribly skewed.

[tatiana]

"Does the unique perspective that comes with being a transsexual allow us a unique perspective on our interpersonal relationships? Further, can use that understanding to our benefit in ways that others can not?" I know the devastating results transitioning can have. I'm on the edge of it myself.

You have been able to cope with your GID very well to be that successful. Thinking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the thought process your thinking about seems to be of a higher level than most of us would ever achieve due to the lack of opportunity. To be able to take advantage of the benefits of being TS and applying it to social settings of examples you mention, wow you'd need some kind of high level of acceptance of yourself with some kind of stable gender identity. Your ability to cope has allowed you to go beyond & be successful. Think many of us here are saying is that we haven't had the opportunity to use our "comparative advantages" of being TS because most of us have difficulty coping.

When the disability is overcome by financial and emotional support GID people tend to be overachievers. There is a lot of us who are the top of our professions/careers/trade/business/arts. However there is also the sad true that many of us are left out "DRY" and with not support in our teens and early twenty's and thus to no fault of our own fail to thrive.  And then there is the case pointed out above, those who undeservedly loose much when transitioning.

I'd have to concur with perlita that disabilities can be overcome by financial and emotional support. I've always been racing forward to succeed out of fear stemming from GID. Fear is a huge motivator, but at the same time it can be exhausting. In terms of taking advantage of being TS in social situations, it's rather been the opposite since I haven't had much emotional support and I've missed the social development stages personally. It's hard to catch up. So, my coping abilities aren't at the same level as yours is on. Everyone's life is different and no one is dealt the same cards in comparison to everyone else.

Then again, my strong areas would be in equity & promotion of policy in society because of my GID. Not only that, as a result of GID I know a heck of a lot more about health issues even though I come from a social sciences background. Everyone's strengths are different resulting from GID.

In a nutshell, GID has the potential to strengthen certain areas to give different perspectives but at the same time comes with the risk of catastrophic mental breakdowns.

If you're looking for successful TS people to relate to, they're out there. They're hard to find because they look human and smell human. As for yourself, you deserve a pat on your back. One thing that would be cool is to have a TS Scholarship Trust set up by successful business people.

[japple]

You have been able to cope with your GID very well to be that successful.

My therapist told me that I'm great at compartmentalizing and disassociation.  It seems to drive her nuts and I didn't really get it until thinking about his thread in the shower.

I think that I am brave and willing to take risks but the reality is I easily put things out of my mind...including past failures.  I am not nostalgic.  I don't watch the same films, television shows, or read the same books.  I keep move forward. I'm ten steps ahead of my body.  I can be very engaged with people and be having an amazing time and then just walk away from them.  It doesn't occur to me to call or reach out to anyone, even people I know I love.  People I know joke about how I never say goodbye, I just walk away.  I never noticed it until they started joking about it.   I remember facts, processes, and experiences but forget emotions until I have them again.   I can get really angry, for real or to get a point across, and then move on like nothing happened then am surprised that people don't know what to make of it.    Until I wrote it up there I completely FORGET that I was homeless or had difficulties.   I think I'm an optimist, but I purposely forget to be a pessimist.

The ability to cope and be successful is it's own kind of crazy.  I think I can cope with my GID forever but I don't want to because the method of coping is so fragmented.  There are two steps to my transition, breaking down walls of all the different compartments to make myself whole. Then I can see what that whole person looks like.

This is actually kind of a breakthrough for me.  I didn't understand why my therapist wanted to work on my disassociation issues before moving too fast on hormones and physical changes, now I think I do. 

[melissa42013]

Great posts! So now this thing is rolling in the direction I was thinking of. The idea started when my wife was researching GID and found a sentence or two that basically said, "a lot of TS are small business owners". I couldn't find the article again but it gnawed at me for a while. I can't accept the idea that we all just have to face a negative outcome.

What I want to do is try and share my thoughts, which may help others out there in the same place or (especially) just starting out in their lives with GID.

@Japple - This forum has done far more for me than therapy. I find myself going in and basically explaining to her the things I've untangled. I'm glad you were able to find a breakthrough with this topic. I feel reenergized and renewed to take on the world. The last three years in business have just sucked for everyone as we try to just keep people employed. Now I feel renewed to rebuild and push forward with my GID at my side.

Attitude – I spent years worrying about what other thought of me. Did they know about my GID? Could they see it? It was the one area of my life I did not actively seek to strengthen, until now. The key attitude that I adopted in life is to be "Independent of the good judgments of others." Think about this. People always tell you what to do and if you let it weight you down, you are not living your life. This is important.

@Tatiana – Emotional Support – I didn't get any, not really. The most support I have ever gotten is from this forum and you all. My wife supports be but I feel it is out of reluctance and years of wearing her down. It's just the way it is. I just translate support for "me" as a person into support for my GID.

Perception – Keep in mind that I have lived my entire life with GID and it felt like a parasite inside my body eating me alive like something on the Discovery channel. I started with a buck in my wallet and a ton of optimism. My entrepreneurial spirit was nearly as strong as my GID.  I found that once I satisfied one, the other refused to be quieted. So here I am. But moving through the last 15 years of active life with this "condition" I finally paid it the attention it needed and I feel more in control. Perception is reality – This is very significant. Give this some serious though.

Success – I can tell from the quality of the post here that this is a group of highly intelligent people. The GID is a huge weight, but it does not define who you are or where you are going to go in life. If you approach people with an attitude of rejection you will get rejection.... GID or not. So think about this. If you discovered the cure for cancer, and were halfway through transition... would people dismiss you? If you were the one person who could perform surgery to save their life, get their loved one out of jail, or protect their live from criminals – would their attitudes be different?

Please don't get the perception from my posts that "I'm perfect" (like Oprah <grin>) I'm far from it. I just feel that I have some insight into this condition that I can share and that can help others out there.

I look forward to your thoughts.

-M

[SarahM777]

One of the things i did find in some of the healthier relationships that i did have was that the few times the women or men would confide in me about things they did not want to talk to someone else, the one thing they all said was that they felt safer talking to me than anyone else. So it is possible they may have (I don't know for sure) that they were also getting some insight they weren't getting elsewhere.

[JessicaH]

This is a very interesting thread. I do think the TS condition can provide beneficial insites if you have the ability to recognize them. I have only met 4 or 5 m2f in person and they all seem to be dealing with so many other issues besides the TS issue that they aren't even close to being able to take advantage of that one beneficial insight.

Maybe I have just coped well all this time but I don't think I have any other issues beyond the TS issue. As far as being successful, I guess that would depend on how you measured it. Maybe others are suffering much more with it than I am but I can remember praying every night to wake up in the right body, when I was a child.

[Nigella]

An interesting thread and I have to agree that on the whole TS people (at least the one's I've known) have no reasonable outcome as far as success is concerned and are unemployed. They have more often than not, lost everything. They too have to cope with depression even after GRS and exhibit a large amount of paranoia about passing in public. This too is contributed by receiving abuse, threats and physical abuse by people in the street and neighbours. There seems to be only a small amount of successful TS woman but they are there.

This was a huge concern for me in my transition too and to get back to the thread I believe that TS people are the most resilient, strong and intelligent people that one can meet. It therefore comes down to opportunities given which are often lacking because of peoples lack of understanding of our condition. Given the opportunities or creating them ourselves results in very successful individuals with character and resolve.

I too lost everything, however I have made a new life, I am successful, I have a senior position, I have been to university twice. I am respected by my employers and Church. I have worked hard but also opportunities have been given to me which I have taken. I was however determined to make my life a success. In contrast to my life now, my life before was a struggle and not that successful. Not many opportunities were given to me. So I can only guess that people see something in me now that was not there before or perhaps without the distraction of gender dysphoria I am free to use my energy for something more positive.

In saying all this however we have to ask the question of how we measure success, its not just about the balance in our bank accounts or how big the house is or how many vacations we are able to take each year. Its about being free from the crap of gender dysphoria and being free to live our lives. I know all the other stuff helps but just to live as me is everything.

Stardust

[babykittenful]

There is one thing that I have read from Julia Serano that I think is very true. Someone who lives in the margin has the chance to see the world from at least two perspective. Since normality is enforced and omnipresent, the marginal has no choice but to understand it and know it well. In addition to the "normality" point of view, the marginal also have his own view from the margin, which allows that person to, at least on this issue, have a view of the bigger picture.

Personally, I think any minority, specifically because they are marginalized, get the chance of learning invaluable stuff that couldn't be learned otherwise. Of course they have to cope with the fact that they are different and with most people's ignorance and judgement, which effects cannot be underestimated. However, I think it is possible to look at our difference as an advantage when trying to see the world for what it really is, without letting our personal experience cloud our thinking.

Now, what we really need to do it to teach the majorities of "normal" people that being out of norm isn't a disease, but can actually a great source of wisdom and development. Want it or not, as a member of a minority group, you are condemned to ether play the role of an educator to people around you or to accept and live the ignorance that the normal majority actively spread to other people.

[Cruelladeville]

*Are Transsexuals More Successful*

I think during our 'starter' selves we can be very, very driven...

And having been once a female brained person with a masculine outer shell i would agree that it does bring unforeseen insights...

But in my case running fast was to mask dealing with the 'inner' angst that at all costs I had to keep buried, secret and contained...

A sort of emotional OCDism.... while maintaining the outer facadé

In the end if you be a primary TG type – you crack - and then the genie's finally out the bottle... and things just can't go back to business as usual...

Much like in Egypt currently - a groundshift moment occurs and thats it - a new order has to be found.... worked at to continue.

But yes this same drive still lives in my fully female self – which is why for the last two decades I've had a very successful girlie life and great career, albeit I'm on time-out now while I micro-manage my next stage two decades fast-forward tweaks...

I'm no 8 days post op FFS and just getting my eyesight back....gawd its been tough this....!! 

However, being financially savvy and solvent in my book doesn't equate with personal success though defo it helps.

Some of the richest people I've met, NetJet/Yacht/supercar set have been anything but beautiful on the inside - the US news obssesion with Charlie Sheen shows that earning $1.25 per week doesn't= true relationship joy....

And the correlation between deviousness, machiavellian, addictive profile types and success at any cost is a well understood principle...

But an intersting topic though Melissa so thanks for that!