contemplating coming out

[Devin87]

I came out to a few of my friends like six years ago when I first started thinking of myself as trans but then I got scared and went through another girly phase and then mellowed out and stayed in the closet for a few years.  Well I've been accepting myself again for the past year and am starting to think it's almost time to start transitioning.  It really depends on what my job situation will be next year if I can start transitioning soon or not (I'm working at a Catholic school right now and obviously can't transition here) but I've felt this way for a year straight now without many doubts and so I feel like it's time to stop hiding it.

I'm a little scared about telling people, though, mostly because I'm worried about "what if I tell them and then change my mind and get scared again and then they never take me seriously again".  I can't see it happening, but I'm still a little scared about it.  I'm already out to one of my friends from college who lives across the country and knows no one I interact with now, so I felt very safe telling her.  I also told my best friend growing up, who's a very loud and proud lesbian and who has been pretty supportive.  I'm thinking of coming out to my aunt, who's also a lesbian, but I'm not sure.

When I do come out to my family, I'm considering an e-mail, but I don't know if that's too impersonal or not.  I'm not going to see them in person again until June, so I was thinking it might give them some time to digest it.  I have to decide, though, if I want to write my dad a letter or tell him on the phone because he doesn't get e-mail.

Any advice?

[rianyu]

hey Devin!

I was actually in the same situation as you. I told my best friend in highschool who is 100% straight and she was so supportive. I go through some 'feminine' phases too. But i think it's mostly because of my hobbies? I love baking and drawing etc ... because I'm an artist haha. Sometimes I doubt myself whether or not I should go through with it or just live as a female.

But I think especially since a lot of my thoughts and fantasies about myself are based on the fact that I feel male (aka: I always dream of myself as a guy, I always get pride out of when I'm assumed to be a guy/or joked to me etc etc) and the hardships I have with relationships because of this (since I feel I am straight...I want a male/female relationship) it's evident enough that despite any feminine interests, I am still a man.

Also remember that a lot of the things deemed 'girly' or 'feminine' are social stigmas. I'm sure you'd fine straight guys that may do the same things? That's what I found at least - and girls seem to find it cute haha. In fact, my brother has been told to be more girly by his girlfriend because he always acts to manly and tough =3=

I don't know if that gives you any confidence or reassurance, but I hope so.

[Serra]

Also remember that a lot of the things deemed 'girly' or 'feminine' are social stigmas. I'm sure you'd fine straight guys that may do the same things? That's what I found at least - and girls seem to find it cute haha.

This.  I do plenty of things generally considered "male," I play video and tabletop games, I like action movies over romantic ones.  But there's no doubt in my mind that I'm female.  Personality and gender do not need to be linked.

[Devin87]

I know that guys can have some girly interests.  In fact, I don't even really have that many.  My main "girly" interest is bath and beauty products-- soaps, lotions, face masks, etc.  Other than that I mostly went into my "girly" phase because people were thinking I was a butch lesbian, which I'm not, and I didn't like them seeing me that way.  I got afraid of how I was being percieved and so I decided that, at the time, I'd rather have been seen as a girl than as a butch.  I know I'm going to have to go through a phase of people seeing me as a butch lesbian since I doubt I'll be able to pass right off the bat, but I think I've mentally prepared myself for that now.

I'm thinking of going to grad school next year and transitioning while I'm in grad school (it's a lot easier to transition in school than while working a career) but in order to afford that I'l have to live with my mother and I don't know if it's too much to ask for me to transition in her house.  Especially since I'm still afraid to tell her that's the plan.  I don't know...

[rianyu]

Really? ...if it makes you feel any better, my brother who is probably the manliest boy in his school is really into face masks and keeping his skin super smooth and clean. I think he has like 5 different lotions too - one of which we ended up buying at a specialty store all the way in China. I wouldn't worry, being a guy doesn't mean you have to start disregarding the way you look.
I know what you mean...I went through some fake girliness and fake boy-crushes because of a lot of pressure from family and friends. When I decided to stop acting like that, I actually ended up getting a whole new set of friends because the ones I had before sucked and didn't care for 'butch'.

I think we take the idea of being butch too harsh. Most people probably wouldn't even care, it's just a way to label us like they do everyone else.

Ahh, good luck! Well you will have to tell her eventually, right? It's best to have a plan already set for yourself...and maybe a backup plan if she doesn't like the idea.