Having children as ftm?

[Dan-ization]

Hi I just wanted to know what options a ftm has in terms of having children, genetic or adopted. This is one reason why I am hesitant about transitioning, because I have always dreamt of having children of my own. I do not particularly want to become infertile.

[Nygeel]

Adoption is pretty straight forward. There's finding a woman who is pregnant and wants to give her child to a couple and finding children already born that need homes.

There's surrogates who will carry your egg plus the sperm of either a donor or your partner. In any sort of situation where eggs are harvested you'd be put on fertility hormones which have been known to cause all sorts of problems. You could also freeze eggs to be used later. You have to pay for their storage.

Another option would be to just give birth the ol' fashioned way.

[Lord of the Dance]

Just adding to what Nygeel said, I've also heard things about creating psuedo-sperm from bone marrow... but I don't know much more about it, or how far into the research they are. Still, it's exciting news for us, isn't it?

[Make_It_Good]

Yeah, I remeber reading about that bone marrow- sperm thing on the BBC website.  It is very weird what people can do nowadays in science, as if playing God, but in this case, I do hope for great progression! Imagine if they develop this further, what hope it could possibly give us.

As for having children, I have always wanted to, but I had to make that very painful sacrifice when transitioning. There is no way I was going to do a Thomas Beattie! (That ftm who went all public about having a child like a woman.) To me, this is taking a giant step back from living my life as a guy, I dont see how he could feel happy doing this if he does identify fully as a man, but thats just me!
Me and my girlfriend have spoken abit about this (but children are way in the future! :p) There is always adoption, or a sperm donor for her, on the table.

You admit to not wanting to become infertile (I guess we can all admit to this!) but as Im sure you know,  T will eventually halt your body's ability to have children. Having eggs frozen is an option (that way you can have kids genetically yours) but I think this is pricey...

[wheat thins are delicious]

As for having children, I have always wanted to, but I had to make that very painful sacrifice when transitioning. There is no way I was going to do a Thomas Beattie! (That ftm who went all public about having a child like a woman.) To me, this is taking a giant step back from living my life as a guy, I dont see how he could feel happy doing this if he does identify fully as a man, but thats just me!

There are many cis men who would carry children if given the opportunity.  Thomas Beattie was not the first man to give birth to a child.  Being pregnant and having a child doesn't mean you have to be all public about it.  Many trans men have been pregnant and given birth without anyone the wiser. 

[BigDEvs]

I have a son. My girlfriend gave birth to him before we got together. We plan to adopt more. You can also consider having your partner have your child (if you date girls) with a sperm donor.

I truly believe blood does not make a family. Love and caring for one another are what are most important. I would not love a child any less just because I did not help to physically create them. So many people are obsessed with having a child come from their loins. They forget there are many children unwanted, in foster care who desperately desire a family.

[Mr.Rainey]

I'm not a fan of kids so this is one of the things I like about being trans 

I guess if one day when I am older I do decide I want kids I'd adopt em simce there are so many that need homes.

[Make_It_Good]

I have a son. My girlfriend gave birth to him before we got together. We plan to adopt more. You can also consider having your partner have your child (if you date girls) with a sperm donor.

I truly believe blood does not make a family. Love and caring for one another are what are most important. I would not love a child any less just because I did not help to physically create them. So many people are obsessed with having a child come from their loins. They forget there are many children unwanted, in foster care who desperately desire a family.

Very nicely put!!

[BigDEvs]

Thanks. I know a woman who has been trying to have a baby for years. She keeps trying and trying. Her siblings have kids and she feels crushed. She's been through so many kinds of fertility treatments and nothing. I believe some people just cannot have kids, and those are the ones who could make great adoptive parents. BUT she wants to keep trying. She wants to keep going through the heartbreak because she believes the best way to have a kid is by having it herself. This makes me very sad. She has a lot of love to give a child and so many children are in need of love, who are already in this world.

[Sean]

I have nothing but sympathy for people who desperately want children and don't have any.

Before I knew people who adopted, I used to think it was a waste to try so many IVF cycles just to you have own biological children. However, the adoption process is nowhere near as easy as it often looks from afar or in the media.

Adopting a healthy infant - no matter the race or nationality - is extremely expensive (estimates in the US run between $10,000 and $40,000) and often takes a lot of time. Crackdowns in international adoptions have made it even harder to adopt, and often with good reason - Adoption shouldn't be about black markets in kidnapping in other countries!

Older children who are available often have special needs or attachment disorders. Of course, they are deserving of a home, and it is great when people can adopt them, but many people are not up for the challenges that it presents. Without even getting into how complex the foster to adopt route can be, and focusing only on adoption-ready children, life can be very hard. It is normal for propsective parents to be given incomplete medical records and information in order to cover up the severity of the needs of a child or to be told that if they don't adopt one particular child, they won't be allowed to adopt another. Post-adoption support is weak to non-existent. The system is quite broken. Many will say that you could always have a biological child with special needs anyway, so what's the difference. And while that is true, you can also do things like preventing fetal alcohol syndrome and otherwise minimize the risks of particular disorders. More important, parents should be told what the situation REALLY is so they can choose whether they are prepared to adopt a child. Fraud and lying to force people into making adoptions deters other good-hearted people from going the same route.

I find the "So many kids need a home and love" argument to be often misleading about the reality of actual adoption. It is NOT cheap, it is NOT easy, and it is very hard getting kids who need a home and love into one that is right for them.

[Marcelo Caetano]

I wanna have six kids, 3 boys and 3 girls.(I've chosen the names already!! XD)
And I'm planning to adopt them all!

There are a lot of adopted kids in my family, so I always saw it as completely normal.
But I sure would like to go to the whole nine-months-process!

[BigDEvs]

Sean,

I honestly do not think that I want a parent who is "not up for parenting a child" to have one (using that as the basis for not adopting a special needs child). The reason for this is simple. You do not know what kind of child you will have biologically, adoption wise, etc. Special needs can manifest at any point in a person's life. For example, I was "perfect" at birth. My symptoms of muscle disease did not manifest until I was two. I walked until I was 16, and so forth. I think a lot of people have this mindset that it is okay to have a kid with special needs if it comes from their bodies (and even then some will reject their child), but not to adopt a child with special needs.

You cannot minimize the risks of genetic disorders (i.e. Muscular Dystrophy, Cystic fibrosis, SMA). You cannot predict Autism, Bi Polar, Schizophrenia, Cancer, etc. Yeah, you can find out if your child has Downs Syndrome while in the uterus, and many choose to abort the baby due to the Down's (which makes me extremely sad), but most disorders do not work this way. Nobody in my family had the genetic disorder I have. No one. There was absolutely no sign I would have it, even though it is autosomal recessive and I received it thanks to a faulty gene both my parents had. A lot of kids who have SMA have families who do not know because both parents have to have the faulty gene to pass the disorder on and even then it is a 1 in 4 chance it will be passed.

If you have a child - adoption, biologically, etc. you need to realize things might not go according to plan. Your child could be autistic, have physical or learning disabilities, develop a mental disorder upon their impending teen years when most manifest. Saying you could never handle a kid "like that" is an indicator someone isn't ready to have kids, at all.

Yes, adoption is expensive, but I also look at the growing population. We're already pillaging the planet's resources endlessly. Why bring more kids into a world like this when there are so many already?

[Sean]

Sean,

I honestly do not think that I want a parent who is "not up for parenting a child" to have one (using that as the basis for not adopting a special needs child). The reason for this is simple. You do not know what kind of child you will have biologically, adoption wise, etc. Special needs can manifest at any point in a person's life. For example, I was "perfect" at birth. My symptoms of muscle disease did not manifest until I was two. I walked until I was 16, and so forth. I think a lot of people have this mindset that it is okay to have a kid with special needs if it comes from their bodies (and even then some will reject their child), but not to adopt a child with special needs.

If you have a child - adoption, biologically, etc. you need to realize things might not go according to plan. Your child could be autistic, have physical or learning disabilities, develop a mental disorder upon their impending teen years when most manifest. Saying you could never handle a kid "like that" is an indicator someone isn't ready to have kids, at all.

Yes, adoption is expensive, but I also look at the growing population. We're already pillaging the planet's resources endlessly. Why bring more kids into a world like this when there are so many already?

I strongly disagree. You have to be prepared to have a child with autism, disabilities, mental disorders, etc.

I don't think that's the same thing as having to be prepared for a child with reactive attachment disorder, for example. RAD kids can be extremely violent and dangerous to themselves, pets, and others around them. Parents of children with RAD often suffer from PTSD while people tell them they must be doing something "wrong" and berate them for not being happy with the child they adopted, rather than approaching the situation with the sad and tragic knowledge that some children have already had such a lousy lot in life that they may not EVER be able to be rehabilitated and not be sociopathic.

Look, there are mental disorders that can produce the same outcome, no matter how perfect the parenting is. But they are extremely rare in the general population. RAD is extremely COMMON in the pool of children available for adoption who are over the age of 2. I think your standard of "you aren't ready to be a parent if you aren't ready to take on ANY child, no matter the situation," come from a place that is more like your own personal situation (an unknown disability at the time of birth) rather than one that explores the data and expeirences of people who have been victimized because of how badly they want to have a child.

Please note: I am extremely pro-adoption. I wish more people would consider it instead of having risky pregnancies via IVF or spending more and more money chasing a parenting dream that will not happen. But I am also a realist, and I think sugar-coating the situation only hurts the ability of the ultimate goal of properly matching homes with needy children. I also think that holding adopting parents to the standard of "You should be willing to take care of ANY child, no matter WHAT the circumstance," only drives MORE people to risky IVF and to ignore the opportunities for adoption that do exist, and I think it leads to the overall lack of support for parents who do take on children with special needs via adoption, as opposed to those who have had those children biologically in the first place.

[Tj.wright07]

I strongly disagree. You have to be prepared to have a child with autism, disabilities, mental disorders, etc.

I don't think that's the same thing as having to be prepared for a child with reactive attachment disorder, for example. RAD kids can be extremely violent and dangerous to themselves, pets, and others around them. Parents of children with RAD often suffer from PTSD while people tell them they must be doing something "wrong" and berate them for not being happy with the child they adopted, rather than approaching the situation with the sad and tragic knowledge that some children have already had such a lousy lot in life that they may not EVER be able to be rehabilitated and not be sociopathic.

Look, there are mental disorders that can produce the same outcome, no matter how perfect the parenting is. But they are extremely rare in the general population. RAD is extremely COMMON in the pool of children available for adoption who are over the age of 2. I think your standard of "you aren't ready to be a parent if you aren't ready to take on ANY child, no matter the situation," come from a place that is more like your own personal situation (an unknown disability at the time of birth) rather than one that explores the data and expeirences of people who have been victimized because of how badly they want to have a child.

Please note: I am extremely pro-adoption. I wish more people would consider it instead of having risky pregnancies via IVF or spending more and more money chasing a parenting dream that will not happen. But I am also a realist, and I think sugar-coating the situation only hurts the ability of the ultimate goal of properly matching homes with needy children. I also think that holding adopting parents to the standard of "You should be willing to take care of ANY child, no matter WHAT the circumstance," only drives MORE people to risky IVF and to ignore the opportunities for adoption that do exist, and I think it leads to the overall lack of support for parents who do take on children with special needs via adoption, as opposed to those who have had those children biologically in the first place.

Be prepared? Idk about that I was born with autism and actually mine isnt that bad all i have problem with is social. idk how to make friends but other then that im perfectly normal

[xAndrewx]

To the OP I think adoption is a great idea if you can do so. My ex gf was pregnant when she got back with me and I feared that I wouldn't be able to love the kid in the way that a bio parent can but when I heard her heartbeat for the first time I knew I was wrong and when she was born.... I would've given up anything for that kid blood meant nothing.

Some people can't handle that and there is no shame in that. The previous posters pretty much said all I know. That storing eggs is expensive. I wish I could help with a better answer

[Darth_Taco]

I plan to give birth to at least one kid :'P. I'm gay, so I can't exactly ask who I'm with at the time to get knocked up for me xD. My boyfriend and I have an inside joke going that he was assaulted by a facehugger and is now pregnant with twin alien babies, but that doesn't mean he can carry a human child :'P. I also get a shot at something most gay couples can't, a biological child with the man I love. So not going on any show like Oprah to announce it @_@. I'll just telling people that I don't care about that I'm getting fat and I'll explain the kid later. If I feel I can't handle pregnancy, I'll just adopt the rest of my kids. I always wanted to adopt and be a foster parent, but I also always wanted to try to have at least one biological kid :'P. My boyfriend feels the same regarding kids, so it's all good.

I really can't recommend anything, I'm just telling you my own plan. It is not well thought out, and quite possibly a terrible idea XP. I'm only 20, no need to fully think it though yet :'P.

[Jeatyn]

If you want to have kids that are genetically yours I would recommend doing it BEFORE you start to transition. Not just for the fact that T could make you infertile or possibly harm the growing baby if you did get pregnant on T.....but socially it is such a pain in the arse to be a "pregnant man"

I have a 6 week old daughter and I had already been full time for two years when I got pregnant, I had only socially transitioned, I wasn't on T yet, but it still through up a boatload of problems and awkward situations

[BigDEvs]

Sean -- I was speaking more about preparing for inevitably having something come up that affects your child and not something like RAD. I think that this is a problem with orphanages. There needs to be better care for children overall. I agree that parents should not be lied to about the care of their child and it is BS when they aren't told what is going on.

A relative once told me how "strong" my abusive parents were for keeping me, because she could never handle having a "kid like me" aka a kid with a disability. She adopted two boys who turned out fine, but I'd hate to know what would have happened had they ended up having problems. It kind of made me question the kind of parent she was - willing to have kids but only if they were "normal".

TJ - I didn't mean literally be prepared for autism. I meant people should not have kids if they do not think they could handle a disability that came up. If you have the attitude I can only handle a "normal" kid, I do not think being a parent is the right thing for you, because ultimately, anything CAN occur. So, you need to go into it not having expectations you place on your child in terms of disability/ability, gender, etc.

The woman who gave birth to me is a great example. She had so many "hopes and dreams" for me as her "daughter" and when I was a baby I failed to meet those expectations (I was independent not cuddly, for example), so she was disappointed in me.  The same is true for a parent who expects their new baby to be the next sports star and then they discover he has a debilitating muscle disease, so they decide to give him up for adoption (or to another family member to raise) because he did not live up to his expectations for the parents.

I actually had a friend in a wheelchair whose Aunt and Uncle raised her because her mom didn't want her after she discovered she had a muscle disease and would be in a wheelchair. Her mom never should have had kids. Her dad also did not want her, and they let her know that when she was old enough. Her Aunt and Uncle gave her a loving, caring home but imagine growing up knowing you weren't wanted because your parent was dumb enough to give birth and then be pissed off you did not turn out the way they thought you should.

[emil]

i honestly don't think you are to judge whether or not your friend's parents "deserved" to have kids from what she has been told by her aunt and uncle. i and you have no idea what was going on in the parents' heart and mind. it's the most horrible thing that can happen to you as a parent to watch your own child suffer without being able to help them.
my grandma has been taking care of my uncle for pretty much all his life (he's 50) and all she got in return was tiredness. she's his nurse, she's his cook, she's his servant, she's his everything, and she's 81 years old. he's grumpy, he yells at her, and though his brain wasn't affected by his accident he behaves like a stubborn child so much that people have stopped visiting her because he insulted them, so now she's also quite isolated.

nowhere does it say that one must throw out their lives to raise a child, adopted or not, if they don't have the strength to do it - even though raising a healthy child comes close enough to that already. raising a healthy child is already an altruistic decision and many people are not ready for it.

we tend to raise our standards of what makes someone an acceptable parent to a level where no parents remain. you must not be gay, you must be married, to adopt. you must be under the age of 35 and you must have a large house and a big salary. you must be willing to pay $20000 of adoption fees. now you tell me how many of the people who are under 35 and have a hundred grand in the bank also stay at home all day so they can take care of a special needs child. it's the point where no parents remain, and that's the trouble. that's why special needs children are given to pretty much anyone willing to adopt them. does that make them good parents? i sure don't know.

and to add to what has been said before...a friend of mine took on a foster child (she already had two children of her own) - a six year old boy who had been sexually abused - which they did not know about when they became his foster parents. they only found out when her own children started behaving differently because they had been molested by the little boy :/ it is truly horrible what has happened to this boy and he sure needs a home, but how far can you go to provide him with that home?

And adopting an older child IS different from adopting a baby or raising your own baby. pretty much everything in child development depends on attachment. a child who grows into an intact family will never have the same issues as a child who has been handed around for years on end, most likely neglected, possibly abused/molested

[onep1ece7]

I am still pre T and pre coming out to my family, my boyfriend does know and before I came out to him we had planned to have kids.  I hope to begin transition in the next year or so but not having kids for another few.  I had done a lot of research on pregnant ftm and there are some out there.   I have read that many ftm will stop hormones for the birth then start up after...Im debating wehther to wait to have kids to start hormones or take a break...thomas beattie is probably a good reference..that seems to be what he did.