Old self dying ?

[Sarah B]

You can't kill something that was never really alive in the first place

Honestly though, my past has always been hazy and half remembered for me, like it happened to someone else. I have no idea if that is a product of the dysphoria or just how I am. In truth I have transitioned many times in my life, from an awkward and introverted child into a young adult who at least wore the mask of happiness (I forget how many times in the past I've told friends that I could "think myself happy" a lie so comprehensive even i believed it). Each time I have grown as a person the old me, feels like it is shed like the skin of a snake and becomes hollow and lifeless, little more than a whispering ghost, rattling in the wind. I am transitioning now and already my life prior to this feel hazy and unreal, like a dream half remembered upon wakening. Yet still I know in my soul that the young woman who is emerging from the shell of my previous life and drying her wings in the sun in preparation to fly is still the person I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago and 20 years ago. It just seems like someone else's story now.

So elegantly put, that the above passage describes how my previous life was to a certain degree.  Thanks Helena.

Kind regards
Sarah B

[Adabelle]

I completely understand the desire, even the need, or natural tendency for pieces from the past to fade away and feel like a different person. I look back at my early years in college, when I was very religious, and very conservative and I shudder at some of the things I said and did - it really does feel like a totally different person compared to who I am today.

When it comes to transition I can definitely see how this also would be the case. There is a lifetime of "acting the boy part" because it's what I knew I was supposed to do. So I completely identify with the likelihood of certain aspects of my behaviors and attitudes from the past fading away - like many of my old behaviors and attitudes from my early church life have. I've gone through a couple of paradigm shifts in my life that have radically changed the way I think and relate to the world (non trans related) - so I can see how details from the old chapter can form a sort of dead aspect as if from another life.

By the same token though there are things that are consistent about me that I've brought forward, even from childhood to today. My sense of humor, the personal satisfaction I get in being a "helper", and my interest in philosophy to name just a few.

Actually, the idea that my future self might be so radically different from my past that it feels like a dead person makes me worry a little about myself. Maybe I'm reading more into these comments than I should, or taking this the wrong way. Like, is it normal for a trans person like me to feel like I'll be the same spirit/soul after transition? Certainly I can easily say I look forward to having as much of the "male" baggage that I've had to carry my whole life be lessened or removed, but I also realize that tied up in my past as a "boy" is a bunch of wonderful memories with beautiful people.

It's not easy for me to think of transition as death when I think of all the people who have helped sustain me through life. I have so much gratitude for those and the memories we share. I don't hate my life (I've learned to even accept some of the pain as part of my journey.) I really only would change one thing if I could from my past - my gender. But just because I wasn't the right gender doesn't make me resent my past for some reason. Is this normal?

I like what Helena said, I can identify with that. And I think others have said they experience many positive memories from the past, but sort of remember themselves as the "correct" gender? Maybe I'm taking this all the wrong way and everything is fine

[Jillieann Rose]

I have a beautiful wife 3 great kids and 4 wonderful grandchildren that mean the world to me.
I still have my parents and they are good people.
Like you Madelyn I would not change the pass, but that's because of them.
And yes I am the sum of all that has happen to me in my life and more.
But we never stay the same unless we are died.
We continually evolving changing.
But the changes of mind and body are accelerated and I do notice those changes now.
I do like Helena's shell analogy. It is a good way of explaining are ever changing selfs.
Jillieann

[CaitJ]

I don't actually have a sense of any of my 'old self' dying; the biggest difference is a reduction in anger and hatred. I was such an angry, hatey, depressing curmudgeon - and people noticed the huge shift in demeanor after I transitioned.
Otherwise though, I'm pretty much the same person.

[JennX]

By the same token though there are things that are consistent about me that I've brought forward, even from childhood to today. My sense of humor, the personal satisfaction I get in being a "helper", and my interest in philosophy to name just a few.

Actually, the idea that my future self might be so radically different from my past that it feels like a dead person makes me worry a little about myself. Maybe I'm reading more into these comments than I should, or taking this the wrong way. Like, is it normal for a trans person like me to feel like I'll be the same spirit/soul after transition? Certainly I can easily say I look forward to having as much of the "male" baggage that I've had to carry my whole life be lessened or removed, but I also realize that tied up in my past as a "boy" is a bunch of wonderful memories with beautiful people.

It's not easy for me to think of transition as death when I think of all the people who have helped sustain me through life. I have so much gratitude for those and the memories we share. I don't hate my life (I've learned to even accept some of the pain as part of my journey.) I really only would change one thing if I could from my past - my gender. But just because I wasn't the right gender doesn't make me resent my past for some reason. Is this normal?

I agree 100% and feel the same way. Totally normal in my book.

I don't actually have a sense of any of my 'old self' dying; the biggest difference is a reduction in anger and hatred. I was such an angry, hatey, depressing curmudgeon - and people noticed the huge shift in demeanor after I transitioned.
Otherwise though, I'm pretty much the same person.

+100000

I definitely can relate to the reduction in general anger, the degree to which I get angry is much lower, it takes a whole bunch more to get me to that point, greatly increased tolerance, and the depression is gone as well. However, I'm pretty much the same person as well. I hated chocolate before, I still do today. I like to make people laugh, and still do today. Anytime I hear the words "dying, kill off, do away with" etc in response to the male persona prior to transitioning, it makes me think there are some other issues at play here like self-hatred, low self-esteem, and or some other deeper bigger issues going on, that if not addressed, will still indeed be present post transition. HRT, FFS, and or GRS don't cure all the problems in the world... just one or two really specific ones.

[ALX]

BTW I wasn't trying to say anyone here doesn't have the right to feel differently I was just giving my own point of view.. (please don't make me catch Pebbles.. it's not nice to throw cute girls at idiot boys.. wait.. umm.. nm... *g*)

[JessicaR]

 "it makes me think there are some other issues at play here like self-hatred, low self-esteem, and or some other deeper bigger issues going on, that if not addressed, will still indeed be present post transition."

  I'm going to stop following this thread because statements like this are making me angry and I'm going to say something I'll regret.

[CaitJ]

"it makes me think there are some other issues at play here like self-hatred, low self-esteem, and or some other deeper bigger issues going on, that if not addressed, will still indeed be present post transition."

  I'm going to stop following this thread because statements like this are making me angry and I'm going to say something I'll regret.

I think there is some validity in that statement.
I'm concerned about this talk of the 'old self' as a different person, as though they had two personalities inside them (the male and the female) and the male personality let the female one become dominant. If true, that's a form of dissociative identity disorder and should be treated before someone transitions, as it's not GID and is potentially curable with psychotherapy or drugs.
IMO, it would be dangerous to let someone with DID transition, as the 'host' identity may not wish to transition, undergo irreversible surgeries and may become dominant again some time in the future.
That's why I think people should be clear that they haven't turned into another person entirely, as that suggests some form of psychological issue and not GID.
But most of the time I think the whole 'dying' and 'killing off' is people being a little overly dramatic with regards to leaving their old life behind and trying to bury any residual vestiges of their previous gender and it's not DID 
I think for many it's a symbolic, almost ritualistic act of destroying who they used to be in order to be who they want to be, which is fine and not unhealthy at all (unless it becomes and obsession to erase absolutely everything).

[Ruben]

The fem side of me died when I had a part of my physically die inside [strangulated intestines xD fun stuff] but essentially, after that, that was when I thought 'you know what, I'm not going to ignore who I really am anymore', and so 'Cheryl' died on the operating table. Aeron was born out of that. And here I am now. I look at old photos and see a ghost. I may be pre-t/op, but she still doesn't look anything like me anymore. Its like my body also decided to change itself since then. I will stress though, that this was not really like 2 different people as such, just the character I used to have to play in society. Only in recent years has the REAL me come out to be himself.