Am I a Bad Person?

[Omika]

I really think I am.  I'm arrogant, vain, and incredibly concerned with physical appearances.  I've never been able to express myself as a woman publicly, only privately and around close friends.  Everyone tells me that I pass very well.  I have no adam's apple, no real body hair, full eyelashes, full lips and wavy blonde hair that women have envied my entire life.  I am in love with myself and it's sick.  At the same time, though, I'm super self-concious about my slightly strong jawline that's unfortunately unavoidable if you go through puberty as a man.

Essentially, people think there's something wrong with me because I'm so unwilling to crossdress publicly until I feel comfortable with my physical appearance (namely, after six months or so of hormones, or maybe even after my nosejob and jawline shaving.)  Is that so bloody wrong?  Everyone I know keeps prodding me and telling me it's so very, very important to express myself the way I want to right now.  Why?  Why the Hell?  These are the same people who lump me into a category right next to homosexuality.  Yes, I'm alternative to the norm, but I'm not gay.  I'm a woman misplaced.  Is that so hard for people to comprehend?  I have no burning desire to wear a big sign around my neck that says, "Hi.  I'm a man in a dress."

I'm perfectly willing to charade as a man for as long as it takes to gather the money and resources to go through with a doctor monitored hormone regimen and facial feminization surgery before I start really opening up to the world.  Why do so many people want to interpret that as unhealthy?  It's not.  I just don't have any urge to socially ostracize myself.  I'd much rather suck it up, use the handsome man persona to make quick money and then get what I need to feel comfortable in my own skin.  Is this uheard of?

Maybe I am a bad person.  Maybe I'm too concerned with looks.  Maybe it's bad that I have supportive friends and family.  Maybe it's bad that I'm passable and potentially very attractive.  I let it all get to my head.  I swear, I have main character syndrome.  My biggest problem is my ego, and since I've come out about my gender dysphoria, the ego has been getting larger every day.  My dad says he's worried I have this unrealistic view of what I'm going to be at the end of the tunnel.  He said, "Well, you're going to be an okay looking woman, but you're not going to fool most people."  This right after he suggests the possibility of being happy without going through with SRS and all the "accessories" as he called him.

What is that?!  How can he say that?  He's accepting, yes, but I don't know.  I wanted to scream at him.  Is he right? 

The fact is, I have no intention to identify myself as a transgendered person.  I want to be a woman, and I'm willing to spend any amount of money to ensure that I will at least appear the way I should have been physically born.  I don't care if I'm making payments for decades, it's that important to me.  So what?  it's not unrealistic.  The only people that are going to need to know are my long-term partners and my friends and family.

I feel like a spoiled brat saying all this here, because I'm aware there's a lot of transgendered girls out there  that are way less fortunate than I am, both in physical appearance and socially.  But it's just how I feel.  Maybe I really am just a bad person.  Maybe I secretly loathe myself.

God, I'm such a drama queen.

[Nero]

Well, I admit I'm a bit confused. If you're passable, why not go out now as female? If you are passable, you won't be seen as a 'man in a dress'.

[Omika]

Well, I admit I'm a bit confused. If you're passable, why not go out now as female? If you are passable, you won't be seen as a 'man in a dress'.

Because I'm worried I'm not really passable, that my friends are just being nice, that it's all just in my head and that my nose is too big and my jaw is too strong and I'll be completely obvious and ugly and awful.

[Nero]

Well, I admit I'm a bit confused. If you're passable, why not go out now as female? If you are passable, you won't be seen as a 'man in a dress'.

Because I'm worried I'm not really passable, that my friends are just being nice, that it's all just in my head and that my nose is too big and my jaw is too strong and I'll be completely obvious and ugly and awful.

Awww. I understand, I'm FtM, and I don't feel comfortable changing my name or anything yet, because I don't pass at all.
And no, you are not a bad person, being TS means looks are important to us, cause that's the nature of being TS - we're treated as the wrong gender based on how our bodies look.

[Kate]

Essentially, people think there's something wrong with me because I'm so unwilling to crossdress publicly until I feel comfortable with my physical appearance...

I once felt that way, terrified of being seen as, yes, the proverbial "man in a dress."

And yet... here I sit at work in my women's pants, top and sweater, and no one even blinks an eye at it. And no, I'm not "out." At least not in a formal sense. I'll admit that having lost the beard, and five months of HRT make me feel more at home this way, more... congruent overall.

STILL. There's a lot of grey area we can explore and express ourselves within without provoking the masses. It seems to be a contrast thing - if you go out in a miniskirt and heels with a week of beard growth, people are going to snicker. But if you tone things down, keep them semi-ambiguous, and groom yourself properly... people will just categorize you as they will.

Seems to be working for now for me anyway

Kate

[Omika]

Thanks, Kate.  This is all new to me, relatively.  The personal honesty has been going on only for about four months now.  I'm just in this huge hurry to get started with HRT and hair removal and all that.  I feel like I just figured myself out, and I want to get moving with life already.  There is plenty of grey area I explore on a daily basis.  I let my hair down more than I used to, I carry a bag, I skip a bit, I flourish my movements and just have fun.  It's how I am, really, typical bubbly blonde from Cali.  Although I'd contend I've a bit more depth to me than most.

It's nice to know someone's been there, really.  I just want to feel right.  As of now, my mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts.  I'm dark and depressed one minute, then jovial and upbeat the next.  I'm not even on hormones yet, it's ridiculous.  I think I just need to find a support group or a therapist...  though being a broke college student helps little in regards to the therapy I want.

[cindianna_jones]

Are you bad?  Shoot I don't know.  Self centered?  Yes.  That happens.  I can't tell you what is right for you.  I really can't. 

But I can share with you my experience.  I couldn't hold myself from presenting in public.  I had some horrible experiences to be sure.  But each venture out presented opportunities for me to get better at acting and appearing female.  Unlike you, I wanted to pass above all else.  RIGHT NOW.  I didn't care about anything else.  I didn't know about HRT and all that other stuff in the beginning.  I only knew that I wanted to be recognized as a woman in public.  Eventually, I did. I went out every single chance I could get.

And then, I found out about hormone therapy and electrolosys.  Those I persued with a vengance.  Once I had my face cleared (still getting electro, but not shaving any more), I went full time.  I couldn't stand being male for one more second than I had to.

I was strapped to the front of a freight train.  I could not hold back for any reason.  That's how powerful those feelings were to be female.

Are you like me?  Nope.  You have some restraint.  I had none.  Is that bad?  I don't know.  It only tells me that you are different.  If we were all the same, it would be a boring world wouldn't it?

But tell me, what would it hurt to start doing it?  You are going to have to get used to snide comments or wondering what people think someday.  You may as well start now.  You will get it. I don't care when you start.  You can't prevent it.  Before hormones, electrolosys is the best bang for your buck if you are trying to appear feminine.  Nothing says "man" more than a five o'clock shadow even if you do have boobs.  You can change the jawline thing with effective use of makeup.  Consult a makeup artist who does stage work for ideas.  You won't find those tricks in Cosmopolitan.

Also, check out how many women wear a dress and heels to go shopping these days.  If you want to be a woman, dress and act like one.  Crossdressers enjoy the most feminine aspects of dressing up.  That's the first reason they get noticed... they are dressed too nice.  Then they get clocked.

Chin up!

Cindi

[LynnER]

I used to think on the same lines... HRT and FFS before I could ever manage to pass....  I've sence gotten over that and gone full time...  yeah, I have a strong jaw, but so what... I dont have an overpowering browline and I dont have much if any of an addams apple    Thorugh time and patence Ive learned to se the proper mannorisms and gotten my voice down....

I do get clocked from time to time... Its totaly unavoidable, especialy if you dont want to change your lifestyle or move to a new place entirely...  People who know you may recognise you  *Shrugs*  luckly most of them are younger people like myself and seem to be somewhat more accepting 

Anyways, if your passable,  go for it... though I do recomend getting rid of as much facial fuzz before hand... it helps.

[Fyrstar]

FINALLY!!! Something I can contribute to.

I am doing hormones for three months now.  I have neither changed my name yet, nor dress femininely.  I don't have the money to do hormones AND makeup;  I'm growing my hair til it hits the floor (or I reach the hair length necessary for my destined hairstyle), and I still dress slovenly like a guy. 

  My wife hates me for doing this, and I just dont care. You ever hear that saying about "Lesbian trapped in a man's body?"  That's how I started out, but now I'm just a woman trapped in a man's body.  I don't care about dating anymore, just about becoming.  I want to get it over with!

Are you bad?  No.  It takes all types to float a boat.  Just don't treat people disrespectfully, and you'll be never be bad.  Just dont make the same mistake I made.... the effects of hormonal treatment are more profound the younger you are.  Do it now, if you can.

I still wont change my dress/mannerisms until I see some large pillows (if you catch my drift ) on my chest, but once I do, watch out, because I'm going full bore into the world of passable female, regardless of the expense/bankruptcy/mortgage/car repossession/eviction/end of the world/demonic possession/tribulation/etc that I run into!

[cindianna_jones]

Fryster.... you know a lot of women wear push up bras, pasties, and padded bras.  Why in the world would you wait until you have a c cup?  No one is going to ask you to strip.  I find this very curious.

Cindi

[Dennis]

Blair, I didn't go full time until I was sure that I passed full time. That was after 9 months of testosterone and having chest surgery.

I used my profession as a reason that I didn't do it. Said I was afraid of losing professional credibility. Really, I had the same fears that you have but wasn't as brave as you and didn't admit it. When I did go full time I was disturbed to discover that, although I looked like a 20-something year old male in casual clothes (I'm 44), I looked 15 in a suit. And I have to wear a suit to work. Male, but 15. Not exactly what you'd want to enhance your professional credentials. Nonetheless I bulled my way through and it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be.

You can't plan for all contingencies, but you can get through them.

Dennis

[Fyrstar]

Well, Cindi, that is definitely a good question=)

I have a mental picture of what I SHOULD look like if I were born totally female, and I WILL match it.  I have everything picked out, from my hairstyle to what I want my wardrobe to consist of.

I have no idea what my physical attributes will be, but I know what I expect.  Anything above my expectations will be fine, but one more surgery to achieve those goals if the reality is below what I expect is not that large of a difference.

What some women choose to do (i.e. push up bras, padded bras, pasties, etc) is their choice, and has little to do with me;)  I never have been a follower, choosing to follow my own path, and when it comes to those (as of my current opinion now, it may change as I start trying new clothing), I'm planning on going au naturale.

As I've said earlier, this is an experience that I've not had anyone to talk to, or express my viewpoints to, so I've been bearing the burden (and joy) alone, except for the blank stares that the wife gives me.

[cindianna_jones]

As I've said earlier, this is an experience that I've not had anyone to talk to, or express my viewpoints to, so I've been bearing the burden (and joy) alone, except for the blank stares that the wife gives me.

And for that reason, it is a good thing to ask these questions.  This is the place to get answers.  You know, we have a secret vault for all of the world's unanswered questions here.  And I have a key.

So ask away, my dear. We all deserve answers.  There's just too much you want to know that's not in the books.

Chin up!

Cindi

[Suzy]

I would say that you are arrogant, vain, and incredibly concerned with physical appearances.  Oh, wait, you already said that.  Sister, you are who you are.  It's not up to anyone else to tell you how to express yourself or when or where.  I would take what they say as a friendly compliment.  Are they too close to have an unbiased opinion?  Probably.  But that means you have good friends.  Never been a crime in my book.  I never want to be the butt ugly dude in a dress either.  Have your goals of what it would take to pass, get some good help, and go when the time is right for you. 

Best of luck!
Kristi

[Brianna]

Are you a bad person? I'm not certian, but I am certian that America has a fifth amendment.

I help many a person through transition on the #chat side of things, spacekat. I'd describe ther collective experience as both soul-wrenching yet ultimately a triumph. And this superficialiality you are describing ain't it.

It's up to you to look in the mirror and decide if you are living up to the standards you hold yourself to. That's not my job.

We all want to pass - I myself take it deadly seriously. But this post seems to wander into narcasism, I worry.

Bri

[Omika]

Are you a bad person? I'm not certian, but I am certian that America has a fifth amendment.

I help many a person through transition on the #chat side of things, spacekat. I'd describe ther collective experience as both soul-wrenching yet ultimately a triumph. And this superficialiality you are describing ain't it.

It's up to you to look in the mirror and decide if you are living up to the standards you hold yourself to. That's not my job.

We all want to pass - I myself take it deadly seriously. But this post seems to wander into narcasism, I worry.

Bri

Yes, it's what happens when I get anxious and depressed.  I'm better now, I think.  I just keep worrying so much about how I think I should be feeling instead of worrying about what I'm actually feeling.  So I just end up getting confused and frustrated consistently, it's really terrible.

Looking back, now that I'm not quite as upset as I was when I wrote this, I'm not entirely sure as to why I wrote it.

[Melissa]

Ok, so let me get this straight.  You have not started HRT or hair removal and your friends say you pass well, but you doubt their sincerity?  That sounds a lot like me exactly a year ago.  People would tell me I passed and it seemed like I did but then I would see photographs and cry.  Well, I started HRT and 5 months later I went fulltime without much problem with passing.  I worked hard on my voice and at this point, I feel that's my best feature.  My rationalization was that if I could pass with voice and people had suspicions just from looking at me, it might be enough to tip the scales and it does work.  I don't know how much value me telling you all of this is, but maybe you can take comfort in the fact that somebody else has been there or there are things you can do like voicework.

Melissa

[Omika]

Ok, so let me get this straight.  You have not started HRT or hair removal and your friends say you pass well, but you doubt their sincerity?  That sounds a lot like me exactly a year ago.  People would tell me I passed and it seemed like I did but then I would see photographs and cry.  Well, I started HRT and 5 months later I went fulltime without much problem with passing.  I worked hard on my voice and at this point, I feel that's my best feature.  My rationalization was that if I could pass with voice and people had suspicions just from looking at me, it might be enough to tip the scales and it does work.  I don't know how much value me telling you all of this is, but maybe you can take comfort in the fact that somebody else has been there or there are things you can do like voicework.

Melissa

I do appreciate that, Melissa.  Thank you!  I've been trying with my voice...  it's very malleable, but I just can't seem to be able to raise it high enough to my liking.  Is it really just a matter of vocal exercise?  If that's the case, then I suppose I'd better start practicing now.

[Melissa]

Yeah it takes lots of vocal exercise and practice.  Here's a thread with a bunch of tips: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,5929.0.html

Melissa