It's odd, because before transitioning I had such a difficult time picturing myself as a girl. A lot of the time I had to force myself to daydream in a female form, because I hoped by doing that I would finally accept that I was stuck that way. And now that I'm actually on testosterone, I expected things to start lining up perfectly, and seeing the same person inside and outside. I'm definitely happier, definitely more in synch with myself... but sometimes when I close my eyes and imagine doing things, I see this ghost of who I used to be instead. I'll hear my old voice in my head, and see the softer features, and be acting in a more feminine way. And all of a sudden I'll snap out of it and feel sick to my stomach, because that's not who I am anymore, and it was really never who I was.
It's frustrating. It's painful, too. I don't want to remember what it was like then, and I certainly don't want that to be how I'm represented in my mind. It even makes me wonder how I can be truly trans when my self image is sometimes female. Then I realise that's ridiculous, my social anxiety, depression, and OCD have all eased since transition, and I'm actually happy for once - obviously I'm doing something right.
It's more than that, though. I spent so long trying to make sure I was always true to myself inside, even if I couldn't reflect it outside... my old self was a mask, but I always felt intact to some extent. And then I discarded it, and instead of just going ahead and dying she comes back and rubs it in my face that she's still a part of me, even if I don't want her to be. So, to some extent, it's like I've been kicked in my invisible balls. By a pseudonym. If that all makes any bloody sense whatsoever.
Then I'll catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, in the mirror, catch one of the old mannerisms or vocal inflections. It feels like it will never leave, and I just want it to be gone. I was never alive then, I was so miserable and suicidal and homicidal and I always knew it was wrong to be her. I can't even look at an old photograph and see myself there, I couldn't do that even when the photos were first taken. So why can I see myself as her in my mind? I know I need to accept that nothing will change my history, the fact that I was raised a girl and lived as one for most of my life... but I want to acknowledge it as something distant. I don't want it ambushing me whenever I have a "what if" scenario in my head. I wanted her to die even back then, damn soul-leeching bitch can't expect me to be okay with her now. When I think about her when I'm in public, I feel like just by thinking such things I'm exposed and people can see through me.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Being happy with looking more masculine/feminine, but still having your old self haunting you? Having the right gendered self image, but having the opposite intruding in your thoughts? How do you get past it?
