It's odd, because before transitioning I had such a difficult time picturing myself as a girl. A lot of the time I had to force myself to daydream in a female form, because I hoped by doing that I would finally accept that I was stuck that way. And now that I'm actually on testosterone, I expected things to start lining up perfectly, and seeing the same person inside and outside. I'm definitely happier, definitely more in synch with myself... but sometimes when I close my eyes and imagine doing things, I see this ghost of who I used to be instead. I'll hear my old voice in my head, and see the softer features, and be acting in a more feminine way. And all of a sudden I'll snap out of it and feel sick to my stomach, because that's not who I am anymore, and it was really never who I was.

It's frustrating. It's painful, too. I don't want to remember what it was like then, and I certainly don't want that to be how I'm represented in my mind. It even makes me wonder how I can be truly trans when my self image is sometimes female. Then I realise that's ridiculous, my social anxiety, depression, and OCD have all eased since transition, and I'm actually happy for once - obviously I'm doing something right.

It's more than that, though. I spent so long trying to make sure I was always true to myself inside, even if I couldn't reflect it outside... my old self was a mask, but I always felt intact to some extent. And then I discarded it, and instead of just going ahead and dying she comes back and rubs it in my face that she's still a part of me, even if I don't want her to be. So, to some extent, it's like I've been kicked in my invisible balls. By a pseudonym. If that all makes any bloody sense whatsoever.

Then I'll catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, in the mirror, catch one of the old mannerisms or vocal inflections. It feels like it will never leave, and I just want it to be gone. I was never alive then, I was so miserable and suicidal and homicidal and I always knew it was wrong to be her. I can't even look at an old photograph and see myself there, I couldn't do that even when the photos were first taken. So why can I see myself as her in my mind? I know I need to accept that nothing will change my history, the fact that I was raised a girl and lived as one for most of my life... but I want to acknowledge it as something distant. I don't want it ambushing me whenever I have a "what if" scenario in my head. I wanted her to die even back then, damn soul-leeching bitch can't expect me to be okay with her now. When I think about her when I'm in public, I feel like just by thinking such things I'm exposed and people can see through me.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Being happy with looking more masculine/feminine, but still having your old self haunting you? Having the right gendered self image, but having the opposite intruding in your thoughts? How do you get past it?

Quote from: Nikolai_S on February 08, 2011, 10:50:05 PM
It's odd, because before transitioning I had such a difficult time picturing myself as a girl. A lot of the time I had to force myself to daydream in a female form, because I hoped by doing that I would finally accept that I was stuck that way. And now that I'm actually on testosterone, I expected things to start lining up perfectly, and seeing the same person inside and outside. I'm definitely happier, definitely more in synch with myself... but sometimes when I close my eyes and imagine doing things, I see this ghost of who I used to be instead. I'll hear my old voice in my head, and see the softer features, and be acting in a more feminine way. And all of a sudden I'll snap out of it and feel sick to my stomach, because that's not who I am anymore, and it was really never who I was.

It's frustrating. It's painful, too. I don't want to remember what it was like then, and I certainly don't want that to be how I'm represented in my mind. It even makes me wonder how I can be truly trans when my self image is sometimes female. Then I realise that's ridiculous, my social anxiety, depression, and OCD have all eased since transition, and I'm actually happy for once - obviously I'm doing something right.

It's more than that, though. I spent so long trying to make sure I was always true to myself inside, even if I couldn't reflect it outside... my old self was a mask, but I always felt intact to some extent. And then I discarded it, and instead of just going ahead and dying she comes back and rubs it in my face that she's still a part of me, even if I don't want her to be. So, to some extent, it's like I've been kicked in my invisible balls. By a pseudonym. If that all makes any bloody sense whatsoever.

Then I'll catch a glimpse of her out of the corner of my eye, in the mirror, catch one of the old mannerisms or vocal inflections. It feels like it will never leave, and I just want it to be gone. I was never alive then, I was so miserable and suicidal and homicidal and I always knew it was wrong to be her. I can't even look at an old photograph and see myself there, I couldn't do that even when the photos were first taken. So why can I see myself as her in my mind? I know I need to accept that nothing will change my history, the fact that I was raised a girl and lived as one for most of my life... but I want to acknowledge it as something distant. I don't want it ambushing me whenever I have a "what if" scenario in my head. I wanted her to die even back then, damn soul-leeching bitch can't expect me to be okay with her now. When I think about her when I'm in public, I feel like just by thinking such things I'm exposed and people can see through me.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Being happy with looking more masculine/feminine, but still having your old self haunting you? Having the right gendered self image, but having the opposite intruding in your thoughts? How do you get past it?

Wow! So well said! Your post grabbed me because I too, see and same things about myself. Except i am MTF..... your post title .....very very well done! I played the male role for 30 years, didnt start hormones until I was 36. Like you I am over all happy, but I too find myself at times getting all masculine, but, like you said, that was NOT me and still isnt....acting like someone that I wasnt vor so long really really really hurt me.....but there is hope. At least for some of the mannerisms we find ourselves reverting to at times,,,,habits can be broken and changed! I just havent figured out how....but my old self haunts me in my looks, especially my face, small little things  that will always be there to remind me of a very traumatic period of my life......i wish to you the very best!

Nicole Mercedes

Yes, I have. Some of it will fade with time, as you get more and more used to being yourself. And some... I don't know how anyone else might look at it, but for me, just as I learned to accept my real self, I can also, now that I'm free to be myself, learn to accept my false self. Not in a "yeah, yeah, I can't change my past, leave me the f--- alone now" way. That mask I wore kept me alive (I use the word loosely; it kept my body functioning) long enough for me to find myself and come out and finally live as myself. I look back on my teenage years and I'm shocked I didn't kill myself by 14. I know I wouldn't be able to endure it now. So as much as I hated that mask, those certain features that to me scream Manly McDudeGuy, those mannerisms I tried so hard to get rid of that still sometimes pop up — now I can start to feel a sense of gratitude for all that. A little. It's a work in progress. I know this won't be very helpful for you right now 'cause it's six years since I came out and I'm still working on it, but... it does get easier. You just have to work through it like you worked through your denial.

Quote from: Nikolai_S on February 08, 2011, 10:50:05 PM
Has anyone had a similar experience? Being happy with looking more masculine/feminine, but still having your old self haunting you?

This has been a constant phenomenon for me during my transition so far.  After I make some progress, the dysphoria often pops up.  I'll have an increasing desire to be female, which seems to provoke the old masculine behaviors.  I just push through it and remind myself that it's not really me.  It was never me.  It was just a show that I put on because I didn't know what else to do.

I don't care whether or not "he" fights back.  It doesn't change anything.  I know that the resistance to change is only habit.  I got too comfortable pretending.  It makes it harder to change.  But I never wanted to be male.  I'm not going to let fear or habit stop me from changing.  If I ever feel like I'm losing my femininity, I simply remind myself why I'm fighting for it.

For me, I just see it as a process of change.  Change is hard.  I can barely tolerate a change to customer lists at my workplace.  And that's just a few names and addresses.  If I have to work at remembering changes to a list, imagine how much more difficult it is to change my entire life by transitioning.  It's not easy.  There's no reason to think it will be easy.  Some internal resistance is entirely expected.  The more comfortable you get with something, the more routine it becomes, the harder it is to change.

If "she" isn't really what you want, you have to let her go regardless of how much she intrudes.  It's not easy giving up something you built your entire life around.

Right...I totally get what you're saying dude, I just think that you're coping with this in the wrong way. The simple and plain truth is that "she" will always be a part of you, just as Jamie will always be a part of me...I can't escape it and in fact I don't want to becase the simple fact is that without Jamie I wouldn't be here today. Ignoring transition totally for a moment, as humans were are constantly evolving and changing...the simple truth is the transition I'm going through now isn't the first one I have experienced...who I was at university was not who I was at school, but lessons learned during that time shaped who I was in a positive manner.

I think a good excercise for you is to look back at your previous life and think about all the positives stuff that is now a part of you because of her. I think if you can reconcile your past life with positive things, rather than focusing on the negatives, then you might find, like me, that part of your life starts looking hazy and faded and begins to read like someone elses story. I think that as long as you focus on the negatives, that she will continue to haunt and torment you.

Thanks for the replies... reassuring to hear your stories. Gnawty, the aspect of change is definitely a problem for me, I have the same problems with even minimal changes to my environment. So big changes... definitely a challenge.

I'll need to work a bit to find the positives, but I'll certainly try it. I want the past to be distant enough that I can be at peace with it, even if I can't like it. Probably meditation time.