My boyfriend

[Alex37]

is hopeless.

Last night we were sitting next to a group of gay guys who were being catty with each other.  I remarked on how they were worse than most girls I know- no offense meant, I just dislike cattiness.  Anyway, he said that effeminate gay men overdo some stereotypical feminine traits because they want to be women.  I'm not out to him really,  so I just asked if that wouldn't be transgender and not gay.  He kind of glossed over the transgender part and just said that transgender individuals are just trying to be something they're not.  Then went on to say that butch lesbians wished they had penises and that's why, according to him, they try to act tougher than they are to compensate.     I tried to get him to realize that being an effeminate man or a masculine women does not mean that one identifies as transgender, and that being transgender isn't crazy, but he just doesn't seem to be able to comprehend it.  It's embarrassing because he's normally open minded, and he even has close gay friends.  I wish I knew why he has such a mental block about transgender people, and I guess butch women and effeminate men.   

[cynthialee]

Walk away!

[Alex37]

Walk away!

it crossed my mind. and yeah he'll probably leave me soon.  it's weird though cuz that's like the opposite of him for the most part.  he's usually real open minded, rational, and a very liberal artist.  he evens hangs out with cross dressers and doesn't care at all.  i just don't get it.   

[Pinkfluff]

Walk away!

The above is worth repeating.

[Alex37]

The above is worth repeating.

yeah it's probably going to happen soon anyway.  it's getting increasingly obvious that i'm trans to both of us... i just don't know exactly when it's going to happen. 

losing my best friend sucks bad 

[rar]

yeah it's probably going to happen soon anyway.  it's getting increasingly obvious that i'm trans to both of us... i just don't know exactly when it's going to happen.

If you know it's going to happen, don't let him control the when and where.

[cynthialee]

If you know it's going to happen, don't let him control the when and where.

THIS
x100

[Alex37]

If you know it's going to happen, don't let him control the when and where.

good advice.  now i just need to convince myself to go through with it.  i keep deluding myself to think that maybe he'll change his mind and he'll understand and be OK with everything.  I guess it's not going to happen.  It just sucks because when i try to imagine life without him it's like a black hole consumes my thoughts.  i know i'd get over him eventually, but it's torture right now. 

[xAndrewx]

Sorry man all I got for you is a *hug* and the sad truth I've learned from experience which is the sooner the better for both of you

[xAndrewx]

Wait okay I guess I read that wrong. Have you already come out to him? My mom also said things that changed when I told her about me.

[Alex37]

I'm not really out to him.  It's kind of complicated, and I'm not sure exactly how much he suspects.  We've talked about my gender some, and I've mentioned being transgender as a possibility, and I've told him that I've looked into it.  Unfortunately, I also once told him that I felt like a girl (at the time I was so upset about losing him that I think I really convinced myself that I was what he wanted)  He does know that I really don't want to be a mother and that I don't like being a girl at least at times, and I've cut my hair and I'm only wearing sports bras and stuff now.  Basically, I know he suspects something, but I don't really know what he suspects.  I keep telling him that I'm not a lesbian, which is what he's afraid of, and I've been trying to start up conversations about gender roles in order to hopefully casually educate him.  However, that was my intent when I started the conversation about the gay guys and that didn't work out... I think he thinks I'm just going to grow out of it- or he wants to believe that.  I kept hoping that he'd turn around and figure out that he's bi or gay because he's acts so stereotypically gay sometimes, so I guess we're both hoping for something that just isn't the case.  On the other hand,  he has said he loves my soul, and he's never met any girl as special as me, and that love is blind, so who knows?  I'm definitely going to give him a chance.  Hopefully something will come of it.  If nothing else it'd be nice if he understood that I didn't choose this and I'm not crazy, and possibly remain a friend. 

sorry about the length- i'll shut up now 

[Nero]

but i do wonder if he deserves a chance? i had a friend who said a buttload of stuff about transguys (she was a lesbian) and when i came out it hit her and she apologized profusely for all she had ever said, lol. and now she's just a great friend to have, good support.

This. Most cisfolk simply do not understand trans issues. When people see something they don't understand, they try to make sense of it. A lot of people also just parrot the mainstream view of something. Before I came out as trans, I was probably guilty of a lot of the same ignorant remarks. Or he could just be a jerk.

[rar]

I'm definitely going to give him a chance.  Hopefully something will come of it.  If nothing else it'd be nice if he understood that I didn't choose this and I'm not crazy, and possibly remain a friend.

Wanting and choosing to give him a chance are all well and good, but don't for a moment think that you owe him a chance. Keep in mind that you're also telling him he's attracted to and in a relationship with a guy. If he gets abusive, you aren't obligated to tough it out just in case he might grow up eventually.

[milktea]

hate to say but i actually think he's kind of right...in a way...

i mean...some effeminate gay men and transgendered women overdo stereotypical feminine traits...as a matter of fact. i'm not sure what the motive is but the phenomenal is there.

just contributing my 2cents worth...pls don't flame me...

[Alex37]

Thanks for the replies!

Most cisfolk simply do not understand trans issues. When people see something they don't understand, they try to make sense of it. A lot of people also just parrot the mainstream view of something. Before I came out as trans, I was probably guilty of a lot of the same ignorant remarks. Or he could just be a jerk.

I'm guilty of exactly the same thing.  Before I figured out that I might be trans, I only had a vague idea of what being transgendered meant, and it somehow involved kinky sex and prostitutes getting murdered in a back alley somewhere.  I only came around when I realized that it might apply to me. 

My bf is generally a real good guy honestly.  I know the story about the gay guys doesn't make it seem like that, but he genuinely cares about and likes people, and he typically tries to do the right thing, and most people like him because of that.  He's never been abusive.  So, he'll keep getting chances.  In the end though, I'm afraid all the chances in the world won't matter.  I think he really is straight. 

I just wish he would at least accept that transgender people are real.  It sucks so bad when I feel dysphoric about something, and he just thinks I should love my body more or embrace being a girl or something.  It makes me want to scream.   

hate to say but i actually think he's kind of right...in a way...

i mean...some effeminate gay men and transgendered women overdo stereotypical feminine traits...as a matter of fact. i'm not sure what the motive is but the phenomenal is there.

just contributing my 2cents worth...pls don't flame me...

I guess I never have asked an effeminate bio male why they act so stereotypically feminine sometimes, and when my bf was talking about those gay guys, it did occur to me to ask an effeminate guy sometime what their motivation for that is.  I'd assume thought that they just feel comfortable interacting in that way and that's the end of it.  I have no idea though, and I'm tired and not thinking straight anyway.  Basically, I'm not flaming you; I wondered about it too. 

[Sly]

This. Most cisfolk simply do not understand trans issues. When people see something they don't understand, they try to make sense of it. A lot of people also just parrot the mainstream view of something. Before I came out as trans, I was probably guilty of a lot of the same ignorant remarks. Or he could just be a jerk.

This might be it.  If you're concerned about him not being able to understand you being trans, have him read True Selves.  It's possible that he's just never really thought about how trans people feel and needs it explained to him.