I can't deal with this anymore

[Dominick_81]

I was supposed to get my shot Monday, but I chickened out. I wanna try to get it tomorrow if I don't chicken out again and I'm not going to tell my mom. But in time she will know and I really hope she doesn't cry, but my guess is she probably will. If she would just talk to me before I make this decision it would be better, but ever time we talk about it I just feel more depressed b/c she's not supportive. I ended up cutting up my arm b/c I just can't deal no more. It's get my shot or cut up my arm every day until I get my shot and turn myself into a boy. I'm not a social person. I don't go out much, don't have many friends at all. But if I don't get this shot, I'm not going out at all anymore. I'm sick and tired of being seen as a girl to everyone and being treated like a girl, especially to my friends. I want to be seen as the boy I am. I'm so frustrated. I can't sleep at night. I'm up all night crying and torturing myself with this decision to get the shot or not to. I think about all the reasons to get the shot and all the reasons not to get the shot and I'm just torturing myself with this day after day after day and I still can't make a decision. I'm so scared that maybe the effects will be too much for me to handle and think that my mom was right with hormones. But I won't know until I try. I'm letting the fear take over. I wanna be a boy so bad that I just have to get the shot and hope I made the right decision. 

Just had to get this out.

[Dominick_81]

Your right, I should wait and work through my issues first. It's just so hard. There are no gender therapist in my area though. But there might be another counselor I can talk too.

[insideontheoutside]

While I think it's normal to have concerns and of course questions about HRT since it is a life-altering decision it really does seem like your reservations outweigh everything else. You've got a lot of posts on here about this topic and the fact that you "chicken out" as you say does count for something as well.

I know I've seen others on here say this and I'll reiterate - it's not a race to a finish line. I've seen pics you've posted in the "do I pass thread" and you have a really male face already. Why not try to live as male a little before taking the plunge because I totally think you could pull that off. If you're in a situation where you live with your parents or something you might have to wait until you can get out on your own to really do that - or even just do it half time/part time.

If you've already got a diagnosis and prescription, it will probably still be there in the future if you just hold off until you're really confident you're making the right decision for yourself and your future.

[Dominick_81]

that blows, a therapist without training in GID might make the problem worse.

i had several main fears when first considering starting T...i'll post them and how i reconciled them? maybe something will hit home and offer some comfort, hope so, otherwise i'm just babbling, lol.

family: worried that they would disapprove. and well, they did. can't go to xmas dinners anymore, and can't see my kid cousins once i start T. but that's their own problem. hormones don't make any of us men, they don't change us inside...if i am not acceptable to be around family on hormones, i am not acceptable to be around them off. hormones don't make me trans, trans is always there no matter how you slice it.

regret: was never worried about wanting to be female. mostly just about being ugly *vain* and not liking my genitals since all that is not reversible. i've grown fond of the idea, not on T yet but in all my sex dreams i have the larger clit now, not a bioguy cock, and i really get into it. more than i did when i had a cock in my dreams because it's easier to relate to. cock required too much imagination, this is a nice inbetween for me.

faces changes from what i see in other guys are both dramatic and not at the same time...the tiniest variations differentiate between male and female, but largely, their face remains the same and they look like the same person. just a different biological sex.

social pressures: society puts SO much pressure on us to pass. i feel like (and have been told outright) that no one will ever take me seriously as a man without T. so this makes me want it SO much more, torments me. it was bad enough wanting it just for me but for others to even take me seriously, man, it eats at me. working on that, and trying to find more supportive environments. do you have places where people validate who you are? like uni, work, whatever.

and just the idea that it is so...irreversible. and it is, it's not a decision to be taken lately. but you have had the strength to get this far to come out as a male. if you choose to go back, for whatever reason, if that is who you are, you have the strength to do that too. or if T doesn't agree with you at all (this usually shows early on from what i can tell) you can always stop. then you know, for certain, if it was or was not right for you.

again, i hope this offers some comfort or insight. i know these thoughts were helpful to me.

Thanks, that helped a lot.

I'm sorry your family disapproves.  It makes it so much harder in transitioning. I hope someday your family comes around. I know how  hard it is and it totally sucks.

do you have places where people validate who you are? like uni, work, whatever.

Nope. Some people at work will go by my nickname, but that's all. It's frustrating.

While I think it's normal to have concerns and of course questions about HRT since it is a life-altering decision it really does seem like your reservations outweigh everything else. You've got a lot of posts on here about this topic and the fact that you "chicken out" as you say does count for something as well.

I know I've seen others on here say this and I'll reiterate - it's not a race to a finish line. I've seen pics you've posted in the "do I pass thread" and you have a really male face already. Why not try to live as male a little before taking the plunge because I totally think you could pull that off. If you're in a situation where you live with your parents or something you might have to wait until you can get out on your own to really do that - or even just do it half time/part time.

If you've already got a diagnosis and prescription, it will probably still be there in the future if you just hold off until you're really confident you're making the right decision for yourself and your future.

I don't pass to other people though. Whenever I go out, I always get she'd and I hate that so much. I have to fix my hair just right to get a passing look. In the pics, I had to fix my hair so I could pass in the pics, and once I talk, that's it, it's a dead give away. I want a deeper voice.  I wanna girlfriend so bad, but I can't get a straight girl in this body, and that's so frustrating to me. I see post on here with guys who have girlfriends and wives and I'm so jealous. I feel like I'll never get a girlfriend and that's frustrating.

I don't have an official diagnosis, but I do have the T bottle. I just have to bring it down the the endo for the nurse to give me my shot. I'm just sick of waiting, cause I feel eventually I will be on this, why wait? Ya know?

[xAndrewx]

I agree with the sounds like you need to talk to someone first. Please don't take that the wrong way. You're being smart by waiting until you're sure. I didn't start T until 4 years after coming out for various reasons so it's not a rush like they said.

This is just what it sounds like to me from your posts: It really sounds like you need to get your side of opinion out to your mom without her input until you've said what you have to say. Maybe write a letter or an email and leave it on her bed/chair wherever she will sit down and read it. You've got that bottle so you know that as soon as those problems are worked out you wont have to wait. But remember that whatever happens, you've gotta live life for you Dominick. Cutting up your arm won't help in the long run You're only hurting yourself. One day the world is gonna see that guy inside of you even if it takes some time for them to see it they will see it.

[Dominick_81]

Thanks Andrew .

I thought about writing my mom a letter but I've told her how I feel, I even showed her my cut up arm, maybe showing her my arm was a mistake, I dunno. I just didn't know what else to do to get through to her to let her know how much this is killing me. She keeps telling me I love you just the way you are and I don't want you to change, and I keep telling her the same things over and over again. It's frustrating. I know I've said this before but my life is on hold until I get on T. I know that's childish to say, but I just don't want to do anything. Being seen as a girl depresses me so bad, I just don't want the public to see me as something I'm not and as long as I'm not on T people are going to see me as a girl.

I'm at the end of my rope. I just can't live like this anymore. I just wanna die to escape the pain I'm going through, and it's more than just being trans and getting on T. Being trans just made my life more worse.

[Mr.Hyde]

I can absolutely relate to you here. Back in my pre-T days, self injury became so usual for me I ended doing pretty bad things to my body. Let alone suicide attempts (four as I remember, all of them failed because my body is too resistent)
And, being a Neet, after being 4 years without leaving my room at all, I ran out home that day to get my shot done. And I said to the nurse "good morning " and "thank you" I fainted in the hospital twice lol but that didn't stop me from getting it.
Things just got better from there. I'm still sociophobic but I can endure to go shopping in a mall and walking in a street full of people for a while without panicking, even if I know I'm not passing 100% and I get she'd sometimes.

Just think of it this way. You're stuck in the dark hallway. You got up from bed because you were so thirsty you couldn't sleep. So you went to the kitchen for water but stopped in the hallway because it's so darn dark you're afraid to continue. Well, at this point, you can't go back, because you know you're not gonna be able to sleep being so thirsty, and you can't stay standing there forever. You surely had an experience like this when you were pretty young, right? What is the best to do when you're chickened out in front of a dark straight way?
Just close your fist, tight your teeth, and RUN STRAIGHT FOWARD!!!! You will have arrived before you notice!

[Dominick_81]

Thanks Hyde.

I'm sorry about your suicide attempts and I'm glad you weren't successful in them or else you wouldn't be here. God has a plan for you and everyone. We may not see it now, but he has a plan for all of us.

As for getting the shot, I feel like I have to just do it, and my mom will not talk to me about getting my shot or me wanting to be a boy b/c it upsets her. So I'm gunna try to see if  I can talk to this counselor that might be a gender therapist I'm not really sure. What I read is that they deal or with transgender people, so hopefully they will call me back tomorrow or I'll have to maybe talk to my endo doctor and tell her my concerns and hopefully work out my issues and hopefully get on T soon.