People inside me

[Melissa]

Now over the past while, I have been putting some thought into this.  I had spoken about there being 2 sides to me (dominant and passive), but I think it might be much more than that.  It has alos led to a certain amount of confusion, because they seem to have different sexual orientations.  I think I have finally sorted it out:

Person 1
------------
Androgynous
Attracted strictly to women
Introverted
Typical Cancer birth sign in personality
More quiet and reserved/passive

Person 2
------------
Female
Bisexual
Extroverted
Some other birth sign (not sure which)
Much more outspoken/dominant

Now that I have defined the 2 people, let me explain some.  I still consider myself to be 1 person for all intents and purposes, but this is more like a car with 2 people in it.  They take turns driving the car, but it is still the same car.  Both are consciously aware of what is happening.  Many times, both make decisions together.

Now, for almost all of my life, person 1 was in control.  It served me and being androgynous and attracted to females in a male body, I hardly ever got teased.  One night, I allowed the female to actually take hold and it was nothing short of an epiphany.  At that point, it was not possible to NOT let person 2 only observe.  I started doing some reseach and I discovered transition was a possibility.  So I took many things into consideration to decide if transition was the right course of action for me.  I honestly wasn't 100% sure I was TS at first, because I was confused with the 2 people inside.  I questioned whether it was TS or genderqueer (term at that time).  However, the female had to come out and the andro side was just as comfortable in a female body.  I have described a "male act" before, but that's not exactly correct.  It was more like working within a construct of limitations that was set by other people's expectations of me.  Transitioning gave me the opportunity to break out of that construct.

The female person is the more dominant one--to a degree--and absolutely abhors living in a male body.  The androgyne is ambivalent about it.  This is what has mostly fueled me to transition physically.  I haven't figured out who was responsible for the crossdressing in private (either the female side for obvious reasons or the andro side for sexual reasons--perhaps both--but I'm thinking the andro side).  I would say the female side is in control *most* of the time, but I can't deny the other side to me too.  It has caused a lot of confusion in terms of my sexual orientation, because it seemed to flip-flop so much--thanks umop for helping clarify that one.  Early on in my transition (before fulltime) sometimes I would feel panicked in hurrying up my transitioning and sometimes I would feel ok with where I was, but usually the former.  I suppose it's more or less like that now.

So, I hope this explains a lot, as it certainly does for me.  I don't have multiple personalities, but more like different facets to myself that can be personified as a means to define them.  I still consider myself transsexual, since I am physicaly transitioning to female, but this is my current understanding of myself.

Melissa

[Laurry]

That makes sense to me, Melissa.

While I consider myself "intergendered" (as opposed to bi-gendered) there still are gender shifts that can occur quickly...and seem to be becoming more fluid as I allow myself more freedom to explore.  As an example, last night I was looking in the mirror and saw a girl looking back (happens frequently).  I looked down at the countertop for a brush, and when I looked up again, a guy was looking at me in the mirror.  I thought, "Wow, that was a quick shift".

It makes me wonder if, because the female side of me was repressed for so long, that when I am feeling more feminine, I also allow other things that have been repressed to awaken.  This makes me wonder about what you said...the Female part of you is extroverted, outspoken and dominant...have you considered that maybe these are just personality traits that were suppressed as you tried to fit into the male role you were forced into?  As the bounds are loosened to let the female within express herself, some of the other traits may slip out too?

Amazingly enough, your Person 1 sounds a lot like I was until I began to allow myself the freedom to express more...all the way down to birth sign (July 2nd - Cancer - Represent!)  When I feel free to express all of myself, the more outgoing (and outspoken) I am.

for all intents and purposes,

Bless you, honey, for using this term properly...one of those terms frequently used or spelled incorrectly.  My son is right, I am too anal about stuff like that...drives me crazy. 

......Laurie

[Melissa]

While I consider myself "intergendered" (as opposed to bi-gendered) there still are gender shifts that can occur quickly...and seem to be becoming more fluid as I allow myself more freedom to explore.  As an example, last night I was looking in the mirror and saw a girl looking back (happens frequently).  I looked down at the countertop for a brush, and when I looked up again, a guy was looking at me in the mirror.  I thought, "Wow, that was a quick shift".

Interesting.  I pretty much see female in the mirror all the time now.

It makes me wonder if, because the female side of me was repressed for so long, that when I am feeling more feminine, I also allow other things that have been repressed to awaken.  This makes me wonder about what you said...the Female part of you is extroverted, outspoken and dominant...have you considered that maybe these are just personality traits that were suppressed as you tried to fit into the male role you were forced into?  As the bounds are loosened to let the female within express herself, some of the other traits may slip out too?

Could be.  I am just trying to make sense of things.

Amazingly enough, your Person 1 sounds a lot like I was until I began to allow myself the freedom to express more...all the way down to birth sign (July 2nd - Cancer - Represent!)  When I feel free to express all of myself, the more outgoing (and outspoken) I am.

Yeah, July 1st for me.  The thing is, that was how I was while represeed.  I actually don't quite relate to transsexuals who say "I knew I was a girl since I was 2 years old and so I invented a male personality because I got picked on for being a sissy" because I didn't really get picked on and I didn't try to invent anything.  However, I did suppress part of myself and I honestly don't remember why.

for all intents and purposes,

Bless you, honey, for using this term properly...one of those terms frequently used or spelled incorrectly.  My son is right, I am too anal about stuff like that...drives me crazy. 

Hehe, me too.  It bugs me when people say "intensive purposes".  That doesn't even make sense.  

Melissa

[Kendall]

I have described a "male act" before, but that's not exactly correct.  It was more like working within a construct of limitations that was set by other people's expectations of me.  Transitioning gave me the opportunity to break out of that construct.

So that part of you (person 1)was sort of an innocent bystander caught in major chains because of the external expectations? Being introvert, passive,  reserved, androgynous, and quiet would seem to almost give you no chance of living such a life, especially if within you were such a dominant voice of person 2, before any sort of transition. Then transitioning came and person 2 dominated both in mind and body.[not trying to feed words to you melissa, just sorta trying to tell the story, so correct me if I get it wrong.]

I don't have multiple personalities, but more like different facets to myself that can be personified as a means to define them.  I still consider myself transsexual, since I am physicaly transitioning to female, but this is my current understanding of myself.

Transitioning into a women like you say, would satisfy your dominant side, as well as half or more of person 1.

While I consider myself "intergendered" (as opposed to bi-gendered) there still are gender shifts that can occur quickly...and seem to be becoming more fluid as I allow myself more freedom to explore.  As an example, last night I was looking in the mirror and saw a girl looking back (happens frequently).  I looked down at the countertop for a brush, and when I looked up again, a guy was looking at me in the mirror.  I thought, "Wow, that was a quick shift".

I gender slide sometimes based on situations, emotions, and internal desires. Recently after a year of more intense feminine focus of myself, my male and neutral side have been on the increase. There is no pressure to be either feminine or masculine from any source, considering my whole family knows, my work knows, and I have progressed as far as I can in counselling. I only change quickly if I repress one or the either side of me too long, that it sort of bursts.

It makes me wonder if, because the female side of me was repressed for so long, that when I am feeling more feminine, I also allow other things that have been repressed to awaken.  This makes me wonder about what you said...the Female part of you is extroverted, outspoken and dominant...have you considered that maybe these are just personality traits that were suppressed as you tried to fit into the male role you were forced into?  As the bounds are loosened to let the female within express herself, some of the other traits may slip out too?

When my bounds broke, honestly I didnt know where I was going. It took 8 years to figure out the correct direction. I just knew small clues and hints about me. I could have started many different routes from there. Newly released at first it was like some drug where I fishtailed wildly everywhere. After all, leading up to that eventful situation I had confronted such questions like; was I gay, had I been abused, did I hold grudges against my parents or other family members, why did I have the desire to be both male and female in body, was I transsexual.

I actually don't quite relate to transsexuals who say "I knew I was a girl since I was 2 years old and so I invented a male personality because I got picked on for being a sissy" because I didn't really get picked on and I didn't try to invent anything.

I didnt know I was androgyne at 2 years old, or male or female for that matter. I was oblivious to gender till much later. It didnt even enter my mind. I did things from both gender up till 8 without any "boys" or "girls" or don't or "do this or that".

Interesting.  I pretty much see female in the mirror all the time now.

Sounds like Person 2 is in full control.

Gramatically I know mine can be horrendous. So I do apologize for this or any post that may be inept.

[Melissa]

So that part of you (person 1)was sort of an innocent bystander caught in major chains because of the external expectations? Being introvert, passive,  reserved, androgynous, and quiet would seem to almost give you no chance of living such a life, especially if within you were such a dominant voice of person 2, before any sort of transition. Then transitioning came and person 2 dominated both in mind and body.[not trying to feed words to you melissa, just sorta trying to tell the story, so correct me if I get it wrong.]

Sort of, but not quite.  It's not like they fight for control and perhaps the car analogy wasn't quite right.  It's more like how 2 pilots in an airplane work together, since each has a set of controls.  However, the dominant/passive thing is more how I come across to other people.  Also, it's not one or the other, it can be different degrees of both, since they are working together.

So, person 1 was pretty much doing all the work beforehand and then person 2 was doing all the work (between starting HRT and going fulltime) and eventually I was able to get them to work together.

Transitioning into a women like you say, would satisfy your dominant side, as well as half or more of person 1.

Yes.

I actually don't quite relate to transsexuals who say "I knew I was a girl since I was 2 years old and so I invented a male personality because I got picked on for being a sissy" because I didn't really get picked on and I didn't try to invent anything.

I didnt know I was androgyne at 2 years old, or male or female for that matter. I was oblivious to gender till much later. It didnt even enter my mind. I did things from both gender up till 8 without any "boys" or "girls" or don't or "do this or that".

Well, I was exaggerating with 2.  The point was, I knew I had a female brain before I was a teenager, but I didn't feel like a "female trapped in a male body".

Interesting.  I pretty much see female in the mirror all the time now.

Sounds like Person 2 is in full control.

Don't confuse identity with personality.  My identity is female through and through.  However the 2 aspects are more aspects of my personality.

Melissa