I've given up on my immediate family.

[flux_capacitor]

There is barely any contact between us, and I haven't seen them other than once in passing when I went to my grandparents' house on Thanksgiving.  There was generally constant email contact over Winter Break (one email every few days), but that was generally either chastising me for not coming home for Christmas or talking about my Papaw's heart attack - which I got basically blamed for at one point. 

At the conclusion of Winter Break, I agreed to go to some family counseling with my dad, but that ended up getting cancelled on account of snow.  After that, there was a complete lack of contact from my parents for two or three weeks.  At that point, I thought my parents had decided to stop talking to me, and I was kind of relieved.  I don't really want to fix things between my parents and I at this point.  Looking back, I don't feel like a relationship between my parents and I really has any point.  I don't feel like there is much chance of any positive emotional output from it, for me.  My mom has emailed me a couple times in the last ten days or so.  She generally avoids the actual issues and just tells me some "surface" things about what's going on at home: "We've all had a great day today and your sister has a play this Friday!  Your brother's doing great in school!"  and she'd generally reply with that sort of thing from an email that would ask her about where she and dad are at with me, whether they want to reschedule counseling.  It's almost as though she literally is reading something different from what I write.  My last email contained only information about where I am in school, my activity in the LGBT community here, my wish to do something in the future that involves gender/prejudice issues, and the fact that I've recently started shopping for girl clothes.  She hasn't yet replied to that, and I'm getting that same maybe-they're-not-talking-to-me-anymore feeling.  It's annoying, the uncertainty.  I need to talk to them at some point because I need their info for the FAFSA, but honestly I hope all contact between us completely stops soon.

Has anyone else felt this way about their family?

[Jacquelyn]

There is barely any contact between us, and I haven't seen them other than once in passing when I went to my grandparents' house on Thanksgiving.  There was generally constant email contact over Winter Break (one email every few days), but that was generally either chastising me for not coming home for Christmas or talking about my Papaw's heart attack - which I got basically blamed for at one point. 

At the conclusion of Winter Break, I agreed to go to some family counseling with my dad, but that ended up getting cancelled on account of snow.  After that, there was a complete lack of contact from my parents for two or three weeks.  At that point, I thought my parents had decided to stop talking to me, and I was kind of relieved.  I don't really want to fix things between my parents and I at this point.  Looking back, I don't feel like a relationship between my parents and I really has any point.  I don't feel like there is much chance of any positive emotional output from it, for me.  My mom has emailed me a couple times in the last ten days or so.  She generally avoids the actual issues and just tells me some "surface" things about what's going on at home: "We've all had a great day today and your sister has a play this Friday!  Your brother's doing great in school!"  and she'd generally reply with that sort of thing from an email that would ask her about where she and dad are at with me, whether they want to reschedule counseling.  It's almost as though she literally is reading something different from what I write.  My last email contained only information about where I am in school, my activity in the LGBT community here, my wish to do something in the future that involves gender/prejudice issues, and the fact that I've recently started shopping for girl clothes.  She hasn't yet replied to that, and I'm getting that same maybe-they're-not-talking-to-me-anymore feeling.  It's annoying, the uncertainty.  I need to talk to them at some point because I need their info for the FAFSA, but honestly I hope all contact between us completely stops soon.

With the exception of the trans issues, since I am an SO and my SO isn't out to anyone, I can relate to those family issues. It's hard, but for me it's typically easier not to talk to or deal with most of them. The FAFSA thing has been a huge issue for me because I haven't lived with or been supported by either of my parents since I was 17 (I'm now 21) but for federal aide they still require them. Even if I wanted to get the information from my parents I have no idea where my dad is or how to contact him, and my mother would die before handing her tax information over to me. Have you talked to your school about a dependency override? I was able to get one from my college my freshman year, but unfortunately they wouldn't grant it the second year because of budget changes.

I wish you the best of luck, be strong, and focus as much effort on making things better for you as you can muster.

Hugs,
Jacquelyn

[Nigella]

hi there,

for what its worth I think you should always leave the door of communication open. I left my family and over the last three years tried my hardest to keep the channels open. My son still doesn't want to see me but my daughter has met with me and we email, msn and phone each other now. She's coming to see me in the summer too. I thought I'd lost them both. People usually come round in the end but its hard work and it often seemed easier to let go. I'm not determined to let that happen. As for my Ex as well, well we have also seen one another and we are friends.

So in my convoluted way, keep on talking even if its about what happened to so and so, lol.

Stardust

[spacial]

I can completely identify with your position.

My gradual detachment with my own family came in bits. But the essential reason was the same, we just didn't like each other. To be honest, they don't like each other either, but they play silly games.

It isn't easy. In the early stages, thre is always that temptation to run back to them, hoping that, somehow, it might not have been as bad as you imagined.

I did run back, repeatedly, in my 20s. The result was that I was continually ground down. I could play their silly games. But since I won't, it left me open.

If they arrived at my door now, I really don't know what I would do. I suppose I'd have to show some hospitality. My wife would insist upon that. But I wouldn't encourage them and the first sign of nonsense they would be out.

You know something? I think it's a mistake to assume that, as family, they owe us anything. They owe us nothing and neither do we.

I sometimes think of my little sister, who I last saw when she was about 9 or 10. But she's an adult, in her 30s now. And she will be the same as thay are,

Let them go. For their sakes.

Adition.

Just read Stardust's comments. Mine are just my own perspective and not intended to be confrontational in any way

[Caith]

You know something? I think it's a mistake to assume that, as family, they owe us anything. They owe us nothing and neither do we.

I sometimes think of my little sister, who I last saw when she was about 9 or 10. But she's an adult, in her 30s now. And she will be the same as they are,

Let them go. For their sakes.

Addition.

Just read Stardust's comments. Mine are just my own perspective and not intended to be confrontational in any way.

I don't feel your comments are confrontational, but then I feel the same way about my family.  I moved a thousand miles away some 30 years ago, and haven't really missed them, at all.   No, I'm not psychotic.   But sometimes, I think they really are. 

[Debra]

Yes contact with my parents has been very limited since they banned me from their house (simply for wearing nail polish, very early on in transition).

I experience the same as your mom with my dad....texting once in a while talking about tv shows but avoiding any other subject.

My mom's only contact with me are emails or actual letters where she cusses me out for being me and "doing this to them", etc.

So um yeah. Oh and I do get birthday and christmas presents...with my old name and the word "son" plastered all over of course.

I simply reply with a thank you note "Love always your daughter, Jerica". All I can do is try to love them while they keep their space and work through their feelings, I guess.

It's been over a year now. It's hard.

[Nigella]

Yes contact with my parents has been very limited since they banned me from their house (simply for wearing nail polish, very early on in transition).

I experience the same as your mom with my dad....texting once in a while talking about tv shows but avoiding any other subject.

My mom's only contact with me are emails or actual letters where she cusses me out for being me and "doing this to them", etc.

So um yeah. Oh and I do get birthday and christmas presents...with my old name and the word "son" plastered all over of course.

I simply reply with a thank you note "Love always your daughter, Jerica". All I can do is try to love them while they keep their space and work through their feelings, I guess.

It's been over a year now. It's hard.

That is hard Jerica, I can understand how hard that is, big hug and a big hug to each of us.

Stardust

[Troy]

@ Jacquelyn - As far as FAFSA goes if your parents aren't supporting you and claiming you on their taxes or insurance you should be able to be considered an independent student. Then you don't fill out anything about your parents. I would talk to your school's financial aid office and just explain that you have been living on your own since you were 17.

Hope that helped.

Troy

[Cindy]

Yes contact with my parents has been very limited since they banned me from their house (simply for wearing nail polish, very early on in transition).

I experience the same as your mom with my dad....texting once in a while talking about tv shows but avoiding any other subject.

My mom's only contact with me are emails or actual letters where she cusses me out for being me and "doing this to them", etc.

So um yeah. Oh and I do get birthday and christmas presents...with my old name and the word "son" plastered all over of course.

I simply reply with a thank you note "Love always your daughter, Jerica". All I can do is try to love them while they keep their space and work through their feelings, I guess.

It's been over a year now. It's hard.

My M&D are dead but they couldn't accept Cindy, I left the UK where we lived and built my life in Australia. In the end I had very little contact. I think I respect their feelings, now after a lot of thinking and analysis. They so wanted a boy child and they got me. It must have been very difficult, Dad was more accepting but I think Mum took it as a failure in her life to produce the male heir. And when it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to reproduce, then that compounded the problem. 

I don't know if your folks have seen a recent picture of you Jerica, but it's a damn difficult call to say "you are a guy"

Dear son, we notice that you need a new bra, love M&D.

Sorry not been insensitive

Hugs Jerica

Cindy

[SarahM777]

Once in a great while family members can change but it is not easy. If you had asked me 25 years ago if i would end up being my mom's caregiver i would have said there was a snowballs chance in Cuba of doing so. At that point in time i no longer had much to do with anyone in my family. Both my parents were verbally abusive and i was not the "boy" that i was suppose to be.
But something happened with her and she kind of ended up feeling very isolated. My brothers and sisters wanted nothing to do with her. She ended up turning to me and we slowly started working things out. We had finally gotten to the point where she is mostly accepting and we do still have a few things to work out yet. It took a lot of work and effort to get here. Was it worth it?
Yes but it was not easy.
As for the rest of my family, my youngest brother is the best one of the bunch. No problem what so ever and he also will make sure that no matter what happens he will make sure i do not end up on the street alone. My father never did accept Sarah.
My other living brother and 2 sisters. They said they accept me but he only time we have talked in the last 5 years was at my fathers memorial service. One of my sisters is only one of 2 people i hope to never ever see in this life again.
There are going to be family members you will have to let them go. The reality is that some or all will never change.
Hopefully some time the people around us would get a clue as to what they are throwing away because they end up missing seeing a person blossom into what they should have been in the first place.

[Debra]

I don't know if your folks have seen a recent picture of you Jerica, but it's a damn difficult call to say "you are a guy"

Dear son, we notice that you need a new bra, love M&D.

lol thanks hahaha