Doubts about being a strong enough person for this, bummed out

[Jenna_Nicole105]

No way could I have said it better than Jerica did just above.  Rock this house, hon!  Great comment.

Yeah Jerica strikes me as insanely self confident, was reading some of the various member's older posts awhile back and the one where she decided on a whim to go to the grocery store in girl mode, I was like hell yeah! I don't see myself doing it anytime soon.. but awesome. She's come a long ways since then also. Wish I was that self confident, something to work toward.

Thanks again to everyone, continuing to get back to the nice happy place I was, pre near breakdown.

Glad to hear that things are mostly a non issue with people Cindy, that makes me feel a lot better about things.

Honestly I feel one of the things I need to work with my therapist on, is the fact that I think to a certain extent I'm using my hometown of Joplin, Mo and my very public occupation of grocery store night supervisor as crutches and 'reasons' why I can't do this. (doesn't help that I recently read a story about a trans girl working for Kroger in Colorado who did not have the support of the store management, or the company and had to take things through the courts system.. not overly encouraging.)

I have some not so open minded coworkers also, there was an trans lady that would come into work years ago.. she didn't come close to passing, but she was happy and that was the most important thing.

Anyway some of the employees were just brutal to her, talked behind her back.. made snide comments toward her... one checker would even go on break right then and there because he didn't want to serve the 'heshe' It was awful, couldn't do a lot about it though as I wasn't in management at the time.

I would simply defend her and tell people that if she's happy, that should be all that matters and that she's not any less of a person than what they are... little did they know how closely her situation related to mind, but I wasn't able to get through to most of them anyway.

Got sidetracked, I'm very good at that... but all in all get over my occupational and hometown issues and I feel things will come along a lot more smoothly.

I plan on eventually relocating to a bigger and more accepting area Portland, Oregon being the most likely place, although considering others.. and will gladly take suggestions if any of you consider your location to be fairly trans friendly. 

I don't want to wait to get things started though and won't.. eventually the real me is coming out, whether Joplin likes it or not!

[Lacey Lynne]

Yeah Jerica strikes me as insanely self confident, was reading some of the various member's older posts awhile back and the one where she decided on a whim to go to the grocery store in girl mode, I was like hell yeah!

I plan on eventually relocating to a bigger and more accepting area Portland, Oregon being the most likely place, although considering others.. and will gladly take suggestions if any of you consider your location to be fairly trans friendly. 

I don't want to wait to get things started though and won't.. eventually the real me is coming out, whether Joplin likes it or not!

Tiffany Marie:

Yes, hon, Jerica's got soul!  However, so many of us did when we were 29.  She's awesome and her life will go very well, we have no doubt of that.

Just be you, and Joplin will have to deal with it.  You can do it!  By the way, Janis JOPLIN was my favorite female singer ... still is!  Just a coincidence.

By the way, the Great Pacific Northwest (Oregon, Washington, etcetera) is a very good place for LGBT people.  I am within the Portland city limits.  Downtown is just 4 miles north of me.   Back in May 2010, I moved from Tampa, Florida to Portland, Oregon specifically to transition and live my life.  So far, so good. 

Plenty of us here on this board are from the Great Pacific Northwest.  Janet Lynn is in Portland as are some others on here.  Cynthialee and Sevan are outside Seattle, I believe.  Jerica is somewhat nearby Seattle.  Susan's Place's beloved Erocse & Mrs. Erocse are on the California-Oregon line.  This would be a very good place for you if you decide to actually make the move.  

Rock on!  Good luck!

   Lacey

[Adabelle]

I'm in Seattle! We'd love to have you here

[Jenna_Nicole105]

Wow had no idea so many of you girls lived in that area, makes it all the more likely to be my eventual destination.

Not surprised so many do, had always heard it was one of the more LGBT friendly parts of The US.. just didn't know for sure.

Would be awesome to move there and meet some of you girls!

[LordKAT]

If I remember right, jobs are hard to come by there. You may want to prepare for that too.

[Lacey Lynne]

If I remember right, jobs are hard to come by there. You may want to prepare for that too.

That is very true.  Fortunately, I work at home over the internet.  My employer is about 2,000+ miles away.  The Information Age ... what a hoot! 

Dude!  Your avatar?  Is that Leonard Nimony in his younger days?  Dang!  God, I so admire him!  To me, Mr.  Spock is arguably the greatest fictitious character in television history.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, could have played him except for Leonard Nimoy!

"Live long and prosper!"

   Lacey

[Jenna_Nicole105]

If I remember right, jobs are hard to come by there. You may want to prepare for that too.

Yeah had heard the job market is really bad in Portland, granted it's bad in most places right now.. but worse than the National Average.

It's the only things scaring me about the place.. it sounds like a utopia of sorts in most other ways.. trans friendly... vegan friendly.... progressive... lots of good beer bars 

I have a buddy who lives in Portland and has said I have a place to stay as long as I need to, of course he's also one of my friends who doesn't know about Tiffany yet and although I really like the guy.. he's a bit of the macho type and one of my friends more likely than the others to not accept the real me.

Still debating on letting him know about this side of me, weighing the pros and cons.

For any of you Pacific North westerners, specifically Seattle... how's the job market there? Is it the entire Pacific Northwest that's so tough to get jobs, or just Portland?

Keep in mind I'm a non college graduate, which obviously makes things even harder.. perhaps one day I'll get the motivation to go back to school.. of course ideally I'll open an online business and make enough money doing that to support myself, maybe do a little writing on the side.

Idealistic yes, very likely no.... a whole lot of competition online.  Have been thinking about it for years though, just need to come up with a product that's in demand.. but not already over saturated, easier said than done.

[Tamaki]

lots of good beer bars

Total understatement.    At times it seems like you can't walk out of odor range of a brewery when your downtown. Works for me, I love the smell of brewing beer. 


You work for Krogers, right? Krogers owns Fred Meyer here in Portland, do they do any sort of transfers? Might there be a way to live a job up with them ahead of a move? I'm willing to bet you can find a more accepting store here. Plus there is legal protection for trans people in Oregon.

[Jenna_Nicole105]

You know I've not thought about the transfer, partially because I'm burnt out on this line of work (been doing it for 11 years) and partially because while I'm going through transition, at least in the earlier stages while I'm starting to get comfortable.. would prefer to work in a less public environment.

Of course this is my coming from a less open minded and accepting area side of me talking, I suppose working in such a public occupation would be a lot easier in a place like Portland.. and it would solve the job issue.

Honestly that's not a bad idea at all!

[Cindy]

Funny thing about this site. It creates ideas.

Why suffer in plaville when you can move?
Cindy

[Jenna_Nicole105]

Funny thing about this site. It creates ideas.

Why suffer in plaville when you can move?
Cindy

I've noticed the ideas coming from this site!

Good way of looking at an upcoming move, can't wait to get away from here... will miss my family and friends.. but hey that's what Holidays and periodic visits are for!

[Cindy]

Your life is the important one.

The rest is family and luxury (children aside)

Cindy

[Jenna_Nicole105]

I just wanted to say that I love you all, even though we've never actually met.

I am feeling great and positive once again.

As my man Jimmy Cliff puts it.... there's many Rivers to cross for not only myself, but for all of us.. but we can get there.

Lovely lovely tune by the way and some of the lyrics hit home.. at least for me, Cliff is one of the all time greats. I'm in the minority but actually prefer him to Marley (although I do like Bob as well)

[tekla]

The job market up and down the Left Coast is lousy, has been for years now.  Added to that so many people want the Left Coast lifestyle of outdoors living, no snowy winter, and a liberal culture.  That puts you in competition with a lot of other people in the job deal.  It's also the most highly educated section of the county and not having a college degree is going to make it very rough to say the least.  Not trying to discourage you, but it is the reality.

[Jenna_Nicole105]

Yeah was afraid the lack of a degree would be a major issue.

I've always been a bit of an oddball, when compared to most of what I've read about other mtf trans people. It seems that quite a few are what could be classified as over achievers and accomplish a whole hell of a lot... partially to compensate for their inner turmoil.

Don't want to sound like I'm being too hard on myself again, but I've been the exact opposite and a classic example of an underachiever. I could have accomplished so much by now, but I haven't really accomplished much of anything. Hey it's the truth and the truth hurts sometimes.

A lot of it was because of just how deep my depression went, I was literally suicidal nearly every day for a good 15 or 16 years straight and had no desire or motivation to do anything with myself.

Motivation and college would have sure come in handy right now...

Oh well no sense looking back, going to look into a transfer to a Fred Meyer store as suggested by Hannah. That would at least give me a start if there are any openings and might look into starting some online courses as well.

If there aren't any openings in that area, then I will simply forget about The Pacific Northwest for now and just find a random big city somewhere.. as practically any big city is going to be better than where I'm at now and the job market may not be quite as bad in some others.

I can't change the past, though I often wish I could... can only make for a better future.

[tekla]

It seems that quite a few are what could be classified as over achievers and accomplish a whole hell of a lot... partially to compensate for their inner turmoil.

It seems to be the opposite of a classic bell curve.  Either it's total overachievement - and not as compensation as much as it is about a) finding something to lose yourself in, and b) sweet revenge - or its no achievement.

[Tamaki]

Yes things are tough here more than other areas. I know first hand That's why I suggested a transfer. Don't quit your job and move here blindly. If you move here you won't hard to look hard to find all sort of resources and people that don't care who you are. Well, they care if you a duck or beaver, go Vikings. 

[Lacey Lynne]

I'm in Seattle! We'd love to have you here

Madelyn:

Seattle rocks, girl!

Amazingly, I've got two online friends on the other transsexual forum I belong to who both live in Seattle.  Interestingly, both are crossdressers.  One is happy to remain a crossdresser and will remain as a genetic guy because he's got too much to lose by transitioning.  The other is "on the fence" and waffling on the issue of transitioning. 

Anyway, they both are going to visit me in the warmer months, and I'm invited to check out Seattle with them both sometime.  Think I might do that!  Dang, like, let's go on a trek to Redmond and try and do "A Bill Gates sighting" sometime?  Just joking!  When Bill Gates was a freshman at Harvard, he took the legendary "Math 55" there.  Well, I took it's equivalent as a freshman at the U. of Chicago at exactly the same time!  So, how come I'm not rich like he is?  DON'T ANSWER THAT!  Yeeha!  Anyway, all I know is that I'd love to check out Seattle sometime ... Bill Gates sightings notwithstanding. 

Is it "Portland's hip and Seattle is cool" or the other way around?  Darned if I know.  All I know is that Seattle is awesome from all I've heard.  Great place!

   Lacey

[Lacey Lynne]

Yeah was afraid the lack of a degree would be a major issue.

I've always been a bit of an oddball, when compared to most of what I've read about other mtf trans people. It seems that quite a few are what could be classified as over achievers and accomplish a whole hell of a lot... partially to compensate for their inner turmoil.

Don't want to sound like I'm being too hard on myself again, but I've been the exact opposite and a classic example of an underachiever. I could have accomplished so much by now, but I haven't really accomplished much of anything. Hey it's the truth and the truth hurts sometimes.

A lot of it was because of just how deep my depression went, I was literally suicidal nearly every day for a good 15 or 16 years straight and had no desire or motivation to do anything with myself.

Motivation and college would have sure come in handy right now...

Tiffany:

By no means are you the only one, hon.  Your story is my story too.  Heck, I don't have a degree either.  Best part is I was one of those top-of-the-class, nerdo-geeko-dorko types.  Mind you, in my youth, I got offers by recruiters to go to all kinds of colleges, the three military academies, all kinds of crap like that.  Finally, I got a scholarship to what was at that time the top undergraduate college in the country.  Doggone if I didn't drop out ... for all the same reasons as you mention here.  Like, I just didn't give a darn.  The only career I REALLY wanted was just a tad beyond my grasp ... just a tad ... sigh.  So, I turned on, tuned in, dropped out.  I blew it ... sigh.

All these years later, I'm just like you ... working lowly jobs ... just getting by.  It's my own doggone fault too.  Nobody else's.  My gender counselor said my GID torment prevented me from making good.  At first, I didn't believe her.  Now, I believe she may have been right.  Either way, it doesn't matter now. 

See if you can do that transfer, hon.  We'd be glad to have you here in "The People's Republic of Portland."

Good luck!

   Lacey

[Jenna_Nicole105]

Always nice to hear I'm not alone in my underachieving ways.

Where to a certain extent anyway, on one hand as mentioned it's nice to know I'm not alone.

On the other hand, it's not as nice to know that others have failed to live up to their true potential.

While my therapist hasn't come out and actually said as much, I think my gender issues were ultimately my crutch as well Lacey.

Always had the potential to do something special with my life and still hope to whether it be via writing (good with words, my Achilles Heel is punctuation.. know I would miss a comma here.. or a period there, wish I had paid more attention in communication arts class) I suppose that's what editors are for though...

Also as previously mentioned, have long thought about starting an online business.

I know in my heart I can make it work, it's just insanely difficult to find a product that's in demand.. but not already over saturated .

Will of course gladly take a transfer as well, if nothing's happened by then.